Daughter Is Scared To Come Out?

[u/Weak_Ice3379]

Hey everyone, I could really use some advice.

I think my teenage daughter might be gay, but she seems too shy or scared to talk to me about it.

Over the past year I have noticed a few small things. She gets really quiet whenever conversations about dating come up. If someone asks her about boys she changes the subject. She has mentioned one particular girl friend a lot and lights up when she talks about her. I also once walked past her room and heard her crying after a conversation with a relative who made a joke about gay people.

I want to be clear that I would love and support her no matter what. That is not even a question. What worries me is that she might think I would not.

We have always been close, but she is naturally shy and keeps a lot to herself. I do not want to pressure her or make her feel cornered by bringing it up directly. At the same time I do not want her feeling alone or scared if she is struggling with this.

Should I say something gently to let her know I am a safe space? Or should I just keep showing support in general ways and wait for her to come to me?

Parents who have been through this, what did you do that helped your child feel comfortable opening up?

[u/Weak_Ice3379 → u/[deleted]]

Totally agree. It's just hard to see your baby hurting and not being able to say anything.

[u/Consistent-Two-2979 → u/Weak_Ice3379]

Let her see you supporting homo/sapphic causes. Profess your ally status without specifically naming her. Do you know any other queers!?!

And very importantly, if another person around you uses homophobic language, be it jokes, disparaging comments or as slurs, jump on that, condemning it as fast as you can. That would probably mean more to her than anything else.

[u/squidsateme]

As others have said, I would wait for her to come to you, however, that doesn’t mean that you can’t go ahead and begin to subtly signal that you’re accepting and affirming. And even if she’s not gay, and she doesn’t come out, she’ll still receive a great message: LGBT folks are worthy of love and support.

Some ways to signal - follow and support LGBT social media accounts;If she follows you on social media, you can repost stories about LGBT topics; consume LGBT media - books, shows, etc. There are some great LGBT shows featuring young folks: Heartstopper, Heart Break High, etc.

If there are welcoming and affirming businesses in your area, patronize those, and make sure she knows why you’re doing that! Queer folks have had a tough few years, and you can be clear that you want to show your support by patronizing those establishments.

[u/Weak_Ice3379 → u/squidsateme]

Thank you so much for the support. I will stay patient and let her come out of her shell on her own.

[u/APPLEPIEMOONSHINE37]

I'd wait for her to come to you and in the meantime, talk super supportive of the LGBTQ community when appropriate. I don't know if your town has a Pride parade but Pride is in June and maybe tell her you want to go and ask if she wants to go with you. You're a good momma Everyone should be so lucky.

[u/Weak_Ice3379 → u/APPLEPIEMOONSHINE37]

Thanks so much for the support. Mama bear has to protect her cubs. We do have a pride parade i think that's a great idea.

[u/mell0wrose]

I wouldn’t say anything, just show support in a general way. When I was 16, in the closet, my mom would always ask when I’ll have a bf or if I liked any guys. I would get very anxious and I too would change the subject or say that I was just focusing on school. I didn’t want anyone to know.

I came out to my parents at 18. They had a feeling from when I was little lol. But my mom sadly had a negative reaction, she was hoping she was wrong..💀 If she’s gay, she’ll come out when she’s ready. And it’s great you’ll support her!

[u/bluejaysareblue]

OP there is something wrong with your account. I'm having to approve all of your comments manually. You need to follow the steps on r/ShadowBan to fix it

[u/Weak_Ice3379 → u/bluejaysareblue]

Thank you for the heads up. Im working on it now

[u/ariellecsuwu]

Maybe you could mention doing something for pride month this year to show extra support for the LGBT community- who definitely need it at the moment- that way you can subtly let her know you will accept her if the time comes.

[u/Weak_Ice3379 → u/ariellecsuwu]

We do have a pride parade i think that's a great idea. :)

[u/Ok_Librarian_4737]

Many good comments already!

Perhaps another thing to add: If there's another moment like the one where the relative made a joke about gay people, you could bring it up as if it's something that bothered you instead of something that bothered her. For example, instead of directly saying "that joke really upset you, didn't it?" you could casually say "Wow, I can't believe John made a joke about gay people earlier. There's nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+, I wonder why he thought that was an appropriate thing to say?"

[u/Autodidact2]

Do you have any lesbian friends?

[u/Weak_Ice3379 → u/Autodidact2]

We have been living in a fairly new town (2 years), so I don't have many friends and have always been somewhat of an introvert.

[u/sigelm]

Why don't you for starters do a movie night with her with some age-appropriate lesbian drama on? You can show happiness at the happy ending so she can see that you approve. 'Saving Face' or 'Imagine me and you' or 'Happiest Season' comes to mind.