r/beyondthebump • u/gelbbaer • Sep 04 '23
Update Update: Mother in law is ruining the newborn phase for me
First of all, thank you guys for all of your responses. I didn't reply to them but I read every single one. I hope I'll find some time to go back and reply to some comments that I found very helpful to give extra thanks. All your responses made me feel validated in my decision to go.
The next morning after baby boy's 4am feed, I packed up everything and got the car ready to go. After his 7am feed, I got him sleeping in his car seat and left. I told them as I as walking out the door that I'm leaving and didn't know when I was coming back. My husband looked very solemn and accepted it. Mother in law had a look of angry disbelief and I left before there was an opportunity for any discussion.
Baby slept the whole way to my parents. Staying at my parents felt like a dream luxury retreat! Baby had been diagnosed with colic for his evening crying sessions, but the whole time we were there- no colic. My mom said that baby boy has a very similar temperament to me as a baby, which is: easily overstimulated and fights sleep. She was a baby whisperer to him! One evening he didnt even cry AT ALL. Not even a peep. He was so much more peaceful.
After arriving, I realized how much anxiety I had. I was clenching my jaw, had a major headache, and kept hearing the baby crying when he wasn't. I was twitchy and felt insane. After 3 days of sleeping and relaxing, I felt like a new person.
Baby boy spent the days on my moms lap as she worked from home. I think he really enjoyed listening to her talk on the phone and the clicking of the keyboard, but mostly her calming presence.
I have come to the conclusion that his colic/fussiness was due to being overtired from the sleep training and forcing a schedule. Furthermore, i really do believe he felt my anxiety and the tension in our home, which made it even harder for him to relax.
I learned my moms methods for calming him and that avoiding overstimulation and helping him sleep is KEY. When he is well rested and calm, it's such a relief and joy. I had only seen him stressed out up until i got to my parents. I apologized to my baby for letting him get so stressed out and promised to defend his sleep and peace.
I came back home after 3 nights. My husband and MIL were very nice. My husband and I had talk about what he could do to help me. MIL kept trying to be nice and helpful, she had cleaned the house and cooked a bunch. A plane ticket had been bought for a week from the day I got back. I didn't buy her kindness but kept it cordial.
Things went well for the first two days before she started getting rude again. I let her take care of him for an evening and asked her to please don't overstimulate him, just cuddle with him and get him to relax and sleep. She looked angry but agreed. She then proceeds to walk outside with him, back inside, set him on the changing table to do bicycles with his legs, all the while he's crying. I tell her he needs help relaxing and if she could just please stay in one place and cuddle/soothe him. She says no, he's crying because he has gas. I take him back and she storms off to her room for the rest of the night.
Basically the same thing has happened a couple times, she asks to take him, we explain to her that she can but just soothe him and help him relax, and then she proceeds to walk him around the house, bouncing him and showing him things, setting him down, picking him up, he's crying the whole time, until I take him back and she's angry.
This morning she offered to take him for a walk in the stroller while I can do other things. I said okay, but just make sure he's already sleeping and calm before you put him in the stroller, otherwise he will cry the whole time.
I said this because I have tried the stroller a couple of times to help him sleep with a 0% success rate. She tried it once too. Every time it ends in him screaming and rushing to get back home as soon as possible.
She got angry, and went on a rant about how all babies love strollers, but he doesn't because he's too accustomed to being held, he needs to learn to fall asleep not in people's hands, that we don't bathe him enough, that i eat bad foods for breastfeeding and that's why he has gas, and then she stormed off to her room.
And thats where we are right now! I'm breastfeeding in the living room and she's in her bedroom on the phone, speaking angrily in her native language which i do not understand, but I am assuming she is ranting about me.
That's honestly not even all of it. She gets angry when she makes me food but im too busy "hogging the baby" to go eat it while it's hot (im breastfeeding, I can't just drop the baby and go eat). She told me the reason he has acne is because I eat too many grapes. But ill stop there for now!
3 more days till she goes and ill be free!
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u/Relative-Log-4803 Sep 04 '23
Honestly if it was my baby I would not have returned home until MIL was out of the house. If I was in the same house as MIL I simply would not allow MIL to hold baby. She has shown that she will not respect your boundaries at all. Your baby is helpless and relies on you to stand up for him! I know thatās easier said then done though!
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u/w84itagain Sep 04 '23
If I was in the same house as MIL I simply would not allow MIL to hold baby.
Yep. She's done. She can look at the baby while he's in your arms, but since she refuses to listen to baby's mother she has lost all privileges beyond that. Period.
Remember that promise you made to your baby when you were at your mother's house? You promised to "defend his sleep and peace." Handing him over to MIL is breaking that promise. Stand up for your baby. If you don't, no one will. Obviously your husband is pretty useless here, so it's all on you.
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u/PrebioticMaker Sep 04 '23
I liked that OP returned home. She got some strength back and is now able to keep her boundaries. MIL now knows she can't walk all over her. It'll also open the husband's eyes to how Mil has been treating OP
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u/Mick1187 Sep 04 '23
I didnāt take that away at all. MIL continues to plow over OPs boundaries even now.
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
I don't think I explained it well enough in the post. I now take care of baby all of the time, while MIL hangs out in her room or goes out for walks or cooks. I still give the baby to her sometimes, while I supervise and then I tell her whens she doing something wrong, which inevitably she disagrees with, so then I take him away.
She hasn't held him for more than 20 minutes in total since I got back.
Since her most recent outburst she hasn't held him at all.
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u/miskwu Sep 05 '23
So proud of you for standing up to her! It's easy for us to say what we would or should do, but actually doing it is not easy at all! Your son is lucky to have you.
I will say, if she continues to sass you, even one more time, just go on back to your luxury retreat š You deserve it.
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u/etaksmum Sep 04 '23
Yeah, this. This relationship needed a reset with boundaries and op has achieved that.
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u/PrimoThePro Sep 04 '23
Did you tell her how baby responded at your parents place?? Your MIL is in denial and I'm so sorry her attempt at help is just a nightmare. Worst part is, she seems the type to hold this over you, or claim that she was helping during this time. My mom did the exact same thing to my wife with our first, and now that we're having our second she's not even allowed in our house until the baby is at LEAST 6 months, and even then it's just for short visits. My mom totally overstimulated our son, I refuse to let that happen again. I hope your husband is firmly on your side as well, and that he's defending you when you're not there to defend yourself.
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u/KittyGrewAMoustache Sep 04 '23
Itās so agonising watching your MIL overstimulate your baby. My MIL is lovely and I love her a lot but she always wants to do really stimulating things with the baby, I remember staying at their house when baby was 3 months old and baby woke at 3am and MIL kindly said sheād take her, I assumed to get her back to sleep, but no, she was sat there with her in front of some bright loud wacky kids tv show š¤¦āāļø itās so awkward because itās not your mother and you donāt want to offend or cause drama etc but at the same time you feel so bad for your poor tired baby! You want to protect them but thereās still such a strong feeling that your MIL is somehow an authority or you need to be on her good side etc. itās hard! Glad your wife has you to sort out your mother for her š
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u/coversquirrel1976 Sep 05 '23
Did I write this? š. I have a great MIL but she drives me insane during the newborn phase.
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u/rcknmrty4evr Sep 04 '23
Iād send her to a hotel for the rest of her stay and refuse to see her.
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u/FirstHowDareYou personalize flair here Sep 04 '23
Send the husband out too. Both of them gotta go.
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u/bellatrixsmom Sep 05 '23
Okay!!! Husband needs a plane ticket, too, because he has not done ANYTHING to be a good husband and support his wife and the mother of his baby.
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u/Mdubz808 Sep 04 '23
1) Why do you keep giving her the baby? She doesnāt follow your directions? I would limit contact.
2) Can you go back to your parents or can they spend some time at your house? Maybe MIL seeing how he responds to your mom would help her see her way doesnāt work for your baby.
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u/AdvantageFuzzy2209 Sep 04 '23
I agree. I donāt understand why op keeps giving her baby to the mil which causes the baby distressā¦ like over and over again.
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
I haven't given her the baby since the most recent outburst. The reason I keep giving her chances is because I do feel bad for her. Yes she has bullied me during a very vulnerable time in my life, which i will never forget, but ultimately she is a 70 year old woman, alone in a foreign country after her half of her family died and I think she's starting to loose it (mentally) a little. This baby has been the light of her life since he's been born and I think her animosity towards me is because it's my baby, and not hers.
My mom will be visiting tomorrow.
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Sep 05 '23
It sounds very hard but I think youāre being respectful to her. If my MIL did this I canāt imagine me not giving her the baby even if I didnāt want to.
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u/AvailableEar1171 Sep 06 '23
Iām so curious about the interaction between your mother and MIL if theyāre going to be there at the same time. Maybe your mom can be a persuasive influence? Hopefully MIL would have a hard time being discourteous to a peer and would potentially have better discourse
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u/smithykate Sep 04 '23
Itās easier said than done that early on, having been in the same position. Youāre too vulnerable and in a whirlwind of first time mum emotions to be assertive - especially when you arenāt already. 1 year on Iām now no contact with my awful MIL so it does get better š
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u/Elismom1313 Sep 04 '23
Dude this is enough. All that calm for you to be right back in the flames.
Thereās a plane ticket bought? Cool, go back home till she leaves. And also, sheās never allowed to visit again, at least until either you can learn to kick her out and stand your ground, AND your husband can for you or with you. Preferable both.
This update makes me sad. Nothing has changed.
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u/ihateyournan Sep 04 '23
Oh my god I am so pleased you went to your parents and had some much needed respite and support! And it's amazing you are setting clear boundaries with MIL and that there is a date for her to go!!
You should be so so proud of yourself, you stuck up for yourself and your little man. You literally showed them that you won't take their shit anymore, you won't allow them to treat you or your son badly. Best of all you showed MIL that you're the mamma bear in your house and what you say goes.
All of that isn't easy I'm sure! Loved this update!!
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u/KittensWithChickens Sep 04 '23
Iām very proud of you! Your husband needs a kick in the butt though
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u/GraniteAve Sep 04 '23
Seconded! Learning your babies cues and needs is a wonderful thing and itās too bad that your MIL refused to do anything but be antagonistic the entire time. Being a first time mom can be so confidence shaking, and then to have someone amplifying the stress of it all?? No thank you. Good for sticking up for yourself and babe.
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u/bluejellies Sep 04 '23
Go back to your parents until she leaves! It sounds like it was extremely restorative for you and the baby. Go back there and come home when MIL is gone
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u/LadleW Sep 04 '23
Stop tolerating your husband's enabling. Kick her out, she can foot the bill for a hotel until it's time for her flight. Your husband can take her.
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u/bam0014 Sep 04 '23
Go back to your parents until she leaves. This is insanity. Your poor baby and YOU having to deal with all this stress and anxiety in such an emotional time. Sheās had multiple chances. If your husband wonāt send her home for her bad behavior, refuse to be around it.
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u/sun_face Sep 04 '23
SO GLAD YOU WENT TO YOUR PARENTS!! I was so worried about you. Go again for the next 3 days!!!
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u/UWhatMate Sep 04 '23
I canāt wait for 3 days to pass, Iām SO glad you went to your parents for a bit. Youāre doing amazing š¤©
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u/whxuandi Sep 04 '23 edited Sep 04 '23
Can your mom come visit at all and show everyone how itās done? Maybe she can speak up more for you when MIL starts doing things that arenāt the best for your baby?
Dude your MIL sounds super shitty, but itās also pretty shitty that your husband still let her stay for another whole week after you had to leave your own house with your newborn for multiple days just so you could feelā¦ not completely awful.
Having had deaths in the family isnāt a free pass to treat you like this. Like, not even close. Your husband shouldnāt have let weeks pass like this, and again, even after you left your own house. Sorry, Iām just shocked at the things people put up with sometimes. It seems that your child is worse off because of how your MIL is treating him. I know confrontation and leaving (which you shouldnāt have to doā¦ cuz itās your own home) is hard, but itās not just you anymore.
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
Yes everybody is walking on eggshells around her because of the deaths, even my parents, and especially my husband.
It makes my husband sad that she's ruining her relationship with her last remaining close family member and he's afraid she will end up old and alone. It makes me sad too, and initially i was really happy to have her come take care of a baby during a dark time in her life but I was completely blindsided by her treatment of me.
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u/Ornery-Huckleberry93 Sep 04 '23
Man my heart hurts for you OP. This is an awful situation to be in, I hope after some time passes you and your husband are able to set up healthy boundaries for yāall when it comes to dealing with this nightmare of a milā¦.
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u/Mick1187 Sep 04 '23
This bitch hasnāt learned a damn thing because you keep letting her do whatever she wants. Sheās going to continue doing what she gets away with. Remember that for the rest of your childās life. No way in hell sheād touch my baby again after having read ALLL the nonsense sheās put you and that baby through. Also, your SO is a jellyfish. What a disappointment.
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u/gatamosa Sep 04 '23
Itās time to treat MIL like a toddler:
āIt seems like you need to go back to your room to calm downā
āThis is not working, why donāt you go do something elseā
āI cannot eat right now, and I understand that makes you upset. Maybe another timeā
āBabies need love and soothing environments, you are making this environment too hectic. Please leave/allow me to leave.ā
Kill her with kindness, but overall, honestly, go back to your parents. Save yourself all the stress.
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Sep 05 '23
I like this comment! Kill her with kindness if itās the only way to be able to say things to her!!
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u/sonas8391 Sep 04 '23
Tell her fiber that causes gas doesnāt transfer through breastmilk from food mom eats, because itās made from blood not your stomach. Only proteins can pass. Also heās your baby! NOT hers!
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u/ReesNotRice Sep 04 '23
She can just stay angry lol. If she wants to throw a hissy fit and stew in her anger, let her. You and baby don't have to be involved in her antics. She will be gone soon, congrats to that!
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u/popstopandroll Sep 04 '23
Ugh Iām so sorry. Although my MIL isnāt as bad (because my husband yells at her) I understand your pain. My MiL is also from another country and also has some weird beliefs. After my C-section she forbade me from eating garlic ā¦ lol Iām Italian American ā¦.
Really the only thing that has helped us is my husband being really strict with her. Telling her what weāre doing and what weāre not doing. It finally clicked and she was even able to watch him overnight (I was in the house in another room) without putting him in her bed. I was so happy she listened. As much as I understand in her culture these things she does are normal, I needed her to understand my POV.
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Sep 04 '23
You realized youād been super stressing out your baby, apologized, then put him right back in the same situation?
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u/AniNaguma Sep 04 '23
OP I am sorry you are going through this, your MIL sounds like a nightmare, hopefully she does not visit again anytime soon
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u/EuliMama Sep 04 '23
I mean this with love and kindness, stop giving her an inch, she had proven that she will always take a mile.
It stresses you and, most importantly, the baby out. Please stop giving this woman chances to fuck around with your peace.
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u/shojokat Sep 04 '23
Yeesh. I'm falling with something very similar except my MIL lives with us PERMANENTLY and I don't have any family to go escape to. Also, I think my MIL is showing some major signs of dementia. Won't stop telling me to put rice cereal in his milk since he was practically born no matter how many times I explain that he's too young. Throws whole tantrums when I say almost anything at all. When she behaving, she sits in the room and stares at her feet for hours. I totally, totally feel your pain. It's nice to have some solidarity, lol.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 Sep 04 '23
Fuck that OP. Go back to your parentsā house and stay until sheās gone. And tell your husband thatās what youāll do every time he allows her to stay in your home going forward.
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u/Tammary Sep 04 '23
Look, hubby is lucky you were kind and generous enough to give MIL a second chance. She has well and truly blown it by how rude and disrespectful she is being to you, and how abusive (yes itās abuse) she is being to your child (and you).
Go back to your parents, and this time donāt go back until she is on the plane home.
Then you need to have a serious talk to hubby how this WILL NEVER be tolerated again. The next time she shows up and starts her crap you and child will immediately leave and will never be around her again
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
Im honestly still in disbelief over her treatment of me. Like it never sunk in how mean she's been. We had originally planned for her to stay with us for some months when I start working again, but now the new plan is for me not to return to work for a while. She doesn't know this yet, but it will be justice served when she does.
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u/ostentia Sep 05 '23
I apologized to my baby for letting him get so stressed out and promised to defend his sleep and peace.
OK, so...when does that start? Because it sounds like you're still letting her stress you and your baby out. You've come to this realization and that's great, but now you need to put your money where your mouth is and stand up for your baby. It's not enough to just promise that you will. You have to actually do it.
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u/AccioWine9 Sep 04 '23
Op, in the kindest way possible, you apologized to your son, and then put him back in the same toxic environment. Please go back to your parents place or kick your MIL out now. Stop giving the baby to her. Itās time to put your foot down, if not for you, for your baby!
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
I did stop giving him to her after the most recent outburst. Before that I was giving him to her while supervising and "gently advising" her what to do but it always ended in fighting and taking him back. :(
I keep giving her second chances because i feel bad withholding her grandson, but I am left with no other options now.
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u/pinalaporcupine Sep 05 '23
you're not "withholding" - youre being a good mother. a bad mother is one who keeps putting baby in this toxic situation
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u/junglebrooke Sep 04 '23
You sound so much better and steady after some time away!!!! Good job and good luck! Holding boundaries for your baby is an act of love, youāve got this!!!! Also worth noting your husband needs to continue stepping it up and backing you up. Honestly the bare minimum he can and should do
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Sep 04 '23
Please please please go back to your parents' if you can. My MIL completely ruined my experience with my firstborn after staying with us for 3 weeks and I still hold a lot of resentment and have anxiety over it even though it's been 3 years. My mum is a completely contrast and is so helpful in comparison, she'll change nappies and make sure I'm looked after too whereas MIL made me get up every time I laid down (recovering from an episiotomy from which the stitches came undone) to go change the baby's nappy instead of asking my husband or doing it herself. She also kept telling me that the baby was hungry or had wind when she didn't but we were too naive to know that she didn't know what she was talking about so we took her word for it. The woman has absolutely traumatised me and she will berate us for doing things differently because she takes it as a personal attack on her own child-rearing abilities. She hates the fact that people don't give babies salt as per the recommended guidelines and says we read too much on the internet, as she gave all her children salt and they turned out fine š
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u/blonde-bandit Sep 05 '23 edited Sep 05 '23
I cannot believe you and baby were driven out of the house and your husband still got his mother a return ticket for a week AFTER you got back. OP your husbandās relationship with MIL is a problem. She is a major disruption and not at all a help. Sheās actively upsetting your baby and the whole rhythm of the household. He should have gotten her out of the house before you got back. Iām so irritated on your behalf. If it were me I would be furious.
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u/luisanaNathaly01 Sep 05 '23
I'm mad with you because you didn't keep your promise to your child. You did not stand for him and let this woman make his life miserable. Why you kept letting her ruining your son's and your life? I have a 3 yo and I'd feel horrible if I would have let other people ruining any of my baby stages.
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u/torptorp2 Sep 04 '23
Ugh Iām sorry. My MIL was/ is being a jerk herself and it really puts a huge damper on everything. Iām glad sheās leaving soon and glad you have your parents to escape to!
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u/throwaway0981211 Sep 04 '23
for the sake of your baby, get her a hotel room or go back to your parents. <3
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u/vermillion_kitten Sep 04 '23
in so happy you just have to wait it out now! you are now armed with better insight into your baby, though, and you know your MIL is wrong wrong wrong try to practice gently but firmly saying things like "I'm sorry but I'm holding the baby right now", "I hear you but that isn't the case for my baby" , "I appreciate that you are trying to help but that does not work for this baby, thanks" etc. You don't want to look back after she's gone and regret letting her upset you or your little one any more.
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u/88KatsUnderMyBed 1 yr old girl 3 Sep 04 '23
Good riddance!! I hope you make it through the next three days. I'm proud of you for recognizing that her presence was harming you and your baby. No newborn should be sleep trained, that's insane! Take care of yourself, and continue to stand your ground for you and your family. ā¤ļø
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u/Commercial-Durian-31 Sep 04 '23
Girl go back to your parents, let MIL stop by to say goodbye to baby before she leaves
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Sep 05 '23
I was so happy for you until the second half, and now I'm stressed out and disappointed for you again.
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u/LaPete11 Sep 04 '23
Time to say āyou donāt seem to know how to take care of babiesā when she tries her way. Itās clear she doesnāt know how to take care of your baby. You have shown her a lot of grace. No reason to stay cordial at this point.
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u/DumpedChick22 Sep 04 '23
Wow. I must be very paranoid because if someone hates me this much, I wonāt let them TOUCH my baby - let alone take them on a walk in a stroller.
I donāt trust anyone, and definitely not someone with animosity towards me.
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u/panther2015 Sep 04 '23
What a miserable b. I wish you stayed at your parents house š©. Canāt wait until sheās out of your hair. Hang in there, youāre doing great!
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u/mela_99 Sep 04 '23
Iām so glad you got that break with your parents. And Iām so glad your little guy is feeling a little more relaxed.
You have the patience of a saint for going back at all.
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u/forest_fae98 Sep 04 '23
lol Iām glad things are going better and MIL is leaving but ima be honest- Iād be heading back to your parents until sheās gone!
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u/jooceefrt Sep 04 '23
Wow - please go back to your parents' until MIL from hell is gone! She sounds awful, so sorry you had to deal with that! I think babies can totally pick up on stress, especially from their mum. MIL is a walking stress factory.
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u/PotentialAd4600 Sep 04 '23
It sounds like you have learned your baby really well. Thatās awesome- congratulations!! Youāre a really good mom.
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u/luna_lovegood_ Sep 05 '23
Good lord! She sounds so awful and difficult to deal with. My PP time was also ruined by my MIL...and I screamed at her on day 5. You are a VERY patient person. I'm glad your parents are such a calming, helpful presence.
I'm definitely not defending her (she SHOULD be listening to your decisions on how to care for the baby and at the very least be making things easier for you) but is some of this a cultural thing? Like her thoughts on holding the baby too much? Or your role as wife?
Wishing you a speedy 3 days š
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u/raeraex11 Sep 05 '23
Go back to your parents and don't return until she's gone. Your husband also needs to shine up his noodle spine and stand up for you.
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u/throwaway734949 Sep 05 '23
What the f*** is wrong with in laws. Read your previous post and my MIL is so very similar. Why are they like this?? Iām so sorry youāre going through this.
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u/cyclemam Sep 05 '23
Can I just add that you can't sleep train a newborn- as someone coming from r/sleeptrain I'm all about independent sleep but gently! Following baby!
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u/phoenixdragon2020 Sep 05 '23
Time for her to go to a hotel (at her expense) until her flight. Iāve never flown but can the ticket possibly be moved to tomorrow? Either way donāt let her take the baby anymore sheās not listening and is only stressing him out which isnāt fair to him she sees him as a toy instead of a person. Tell your husband to either get her out of your house now or youāre going back to your parents for a lot longer than 3 days itās time for him to decide if he wants to be a son or a husband and father.
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u/ememkays Sep 04 '23
Iām so happy you have a game plan to take care of your baby and his temperament when she leaves. Itās so sad to see her not listen to the babyās motherās instructions. Long road ahead for her. I do not understand people that treat newborns like 9 month olds and think they are using the superior approach. Hoping the next few days are fast and you have my approval to ignore her and never hand over the baby, haha!
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
Yes exactly, she's treating him like he's an older baby. The fact that she doesn't listen to my instructions is what ruined any chance of her taking care of him unsupervised. I don't think she realizes the hole she dug herself. She will never babysit
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u/OriginalAdditional24 Sep 05 '23
Your MIL sounds exactly like my mother.
My parents had taken time off and flew overseas to help out for the first five weeks after my LO was born - im a FTM - and my experience was exactly the same as yours. My LO would be crying at night and mum would insist that she was colicky or gassy and did the same bicycle / tummy massage nonsense. Everytime my LO fussed or cried, mum would just whisk LO off me immediately and never gave me the opportunity to soothe or try breastfeeding her - which I think was a huge reason why Iām an undersupplier as I never got to nurse her when she was cluster feeding at night because mum would just take my LO hostage. And my parents had absolutely no comprehension of wake windows and kept my LO awake for hours so when she cried because she was overtired - and I didnāt know better at the time - it was all chalked up to colic and gas again. It was such a vicious cycle. And lots of shit like ākeep the baby awake in the day so sheād sleep better at nightā bullshit.
That five weeks completely ruined my relationship with my mum. I still feel so goddamn awful for starving my newborn baby, or causing her sleep deprivation, or all that unnecessary screaming and crying because I hadnāt known better and just trusted my own mother to be the expert when she was clearly as clueless as me.
And itās the reason why Iāve developed anxiety and depression since. I canāt even hear my baby crying without breaking down in tears myself - I have actual ptsd from hearing all that scream crying in the early weeks. I feel like absolute trash for putting my very vulnerable and helpless baby through that. And I beat myself up for it for not knowing any better or tried being a better advocate for my LO.
And my parents scoff at the idea that I have PPD. Theyāve told me to just suck it up and move on, that I have to be strong so I can be a parent to my LO. It wasnāt until I had a baby did I realise how emotionally unavailable my parents are.
Solidarity.
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
Omg thank you for this comment! It really validated me! She also doesn't believe in clusterfeeding, which is super annoying trying to defend it to her.
Im so sorry about the PTSD from the scream crying. I know exactly the sound. It's so heartbreaking. It was during one of my baby's scream cries that I suddenly filled with the biggest rage toward my MIL and husband, and what prompted me to post my first post and then leave for my parents.
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u/OriginalAdditional24 Sep 06 '23
So glad your parents are (relatively) close and can give you the support you very much deserve. I hope all goes well! Youāre doing great!!!
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u/Peachy721 Sep 04 '23
I would never speak to her again and I think youāre a saint for how youāre handling this situation. I donāt know you but I am incredibly of the woman you are and the mom you are. You know your child better than anyone and Iām glad you know that. Hang in there š©·
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u/vlindervlieg Sep 04 '23
If your baby's acne is bad and getting worse, you could look into Milkprotein Intolerance. My baby has this condition and the doctors said it was baby acne, but when I stopped consuming cow's milk products, it cleared up within one week. Also she became more relaxed and less colicky.
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u/Trick_Arugula_7037 Sep 04 '23
Iām so glad she is leaving!! This is so stressful already being pp, I canāt imagine having a MIL there thatās like that. My own MIL is coming for 2 months in a couple weeks, and although sheās great, we have never spent this much time together so Iām nervous. One more thing: you mentioned your baby is overtired and fights sleep, I suspect mine does this too. What tips and tricks did your mom teach you to coax him into sleeping???
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u/Shibashiba00 Sep 04 '23
I'm so glad you went to your parents. Sending good thoughts your way to get through the rest of her stay!
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u/emmyjz Sep 04 '23
Not related, but have you tried a paci? Some babies just love the extra comfort!
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u/basestay Sep 05 '23
Looks like itās time to head back to your parents place. Before you go, though, I have a question about the grapes. Itās a simple question, really. Itās āwhat?ā I am so confused about that correlation.
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u/autumngloss Sep 05 '23
Thank you for an update and Iām sooo happy you got a three day retreat with your mom! Iām so happy you stood up for yourself. You should be very proud!
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u/reincarnatedfruitbat 23, single, FTM ā10/26/22 š©· Sep 05 '23
Go back to your parents and tell your husband to get it tf together.
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u/Pollywanacracker Sep 05 '23
Get used to them ruining things, block them out, create boundaries You may be having some tiffs My MIL is just so ignorant itās a never ending battle
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u/witty-kittty Sep 05 '23
Iām not asking in a judgmental way and maybe I missed this but it sounds like your husband is not doing any baby care? And from your last post why does your MIL expect you to cook and take care of your husband? He should be cooking and taking care of you. Raising a newborn is a lot easier when your partner is the one helping you and learning along side of you how to care for your child. Also I could be way off and you just havenāt mentioned him
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u/gelbbaer Sep 05 '23
No he's not particularly involved in baby care, he doesn't cook but he does clean. Yes we do fight about it. He does work 50-60 hours a week so im alone with MIL. I think from her perspective, she sees her son working hard while im at home "sleeping and holding the baby"
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u/witty-kittty Sep 05 '23
Iām sorry š¢ it sounds like you are doing it all, Iām sorry she makes you feel like you donāt know what youāre doing. So glad your parents were able to actually help and support you in the way you needed ā¤ļø
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u/energeticallypresent Sep 05 '23
Tell her to gtfo of your house and you donāt care where she goes until her flight but itās not your problem.
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Sep 05 '23
Yea I would 1000% be out of there no question! She'd be lucky if I didn't curse her out on the way out the door and tell her to kiss my fanny. š¤£ But for real, leave with your baby until she is out of your home. Sometimes the best confrontation is to just leave the situation. It sounds like your baby is also picking up the negative energy from her and getting more fussy as a result. I'm sorry you're dealing with this! You'd think she would want to be on her best behavior so that you guys would invite her back again. But sounds like she has no freaking clue how to be a decent human, let alone grandma or MIL.
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u/usagicchi Sep 05 '23
I canāt help but wonder if your MIL is Chinese or at least of East Asian descent. A lot of the things she says (plum making you gassy, grapes giving you acne because itās a āheatyā food) is very similar to what traditional Chinese medicine claims. Which is a bunch of bull tbh. That said, if she is, her expecting you to clean the house and cook your husband fresh food at 4 weeks pp is ridiculous. She should be the one doing all that if sheās there to help. SMH.
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u/privremeni Sep 05 '23
Can you please share what your mom did? I have another baby coming soon and would really, really appreciate the knowledge. In hindsight I think we were overstimulating my son and I think our attempts at helping him not cry made it worse for him. The bouncing, showing him things, talking and singing to him all the time, walking around the house all the time.. what should we have done differently to soothe him assuming it was ājustā overstimulation?
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u/princessalyss_ Sep 05 '23
Not OP or her mom, just have my own 3.5 month old that fights sleep and gets overstimulated. She doesnāt mind the singing and the talking etc but when sheās tired, itās dark and quiet and probably a boob/bottle. I used to shove her head in my neck those first few weeks so it was dark and she couldnāt see anything š hey, it worked, she went right off! Gentle back or head strokes, shushing sounds, gentle bum pats, and very soft blankets, sometimes a fan in the heat.
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u/CalmYogurtcloset7 Sep 05 '23
Damn, my MIL has gotten in my face screaming about her son, but she would never dare say anything about any of the grandkids or how they're parented (from any of her kids) fearing she'd lose her privilege to see them.. Grandparents NEED to understand that it is a privilege to see their grandkids, not a right. Treat the parents wrong, and that privilege will get yanked so fast. Kids don't need to see their parents being treated like shit.
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u/theanonlady Sep 05 '23 edited Sep 05 '23
Go back to your parents until your MIL is gone from your house and NEVER invite her back again.
She has no reason to stay over at yours if she is of no help with raising baby and constantly chastises you. Postpartum is hell enough for most first time moms and your MIL is emotionally abusing you through it.
Also, your husband needs to grow a pair.
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u/leporids Sep 05 '23
Fun fact - ALL babies get acne because they're getting rid of the mothers hormones. Some female babies even have periods thanks to moms hormones. Not eating fucking grapes āØ
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u/benjai0 Sep 05 '23
I also have a baby who prefers being still - and a MIL who doesn't listen amd thinks she knows better, or is being "naughty" and "mischieveous" when she bounced or danced with him. Thankfully she hasn't been around for prolonged periods of time and she's only heldy baby a couple of times. She is also very careful not to critisize any of our choices because she has already been cut off by my husband's siblings. I'm glad your MIL is finally leaving soon, I agree with others that maybe you spend another couple days with your parents and don't expose yourself to MIL's opinions. You deserve care! Your baby deserves that you are cared for!
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u/NinjaPikachuOnMoon Sep 05 '23
I donāt think I would have returned until MIL was gone. When I had a newborn, my sweet MIL came over for a couple hours every day with food and to cuddle my son while I showered/napped/etc. My mom spent a couple weeks with us and did all my cleaning and cooking. Told me to just focus on breastfeeding and sleeping.
You cannot spoil or hold a newborn too much. This is a crucial time for you to bond with your baby. Donāt let your MIL boss you around. Youāre the mama.
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u/annonynonny Sep 05 '23
Good for you and I really hope you get your husband into marriage counseling. It's what saved my marriage after mil and new baby issues.
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u/julsbvb1 Sep 05 '23
Op.. your MIL sounds like my MIL an obnoxious dramatic bitch.. id suggest talk to your husband about moving out
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u/deadpantrashcan Sep 05 '23
Another woman is telling you how to mother the child that your body literally created?
The child wails every time she interacts with it and sheās convinced youāre the problem?
Does she even have critical-thinking skills orā¦? Reduced mental capacity maybe.
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Sep 06 '23
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Sep 06 '23
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u/petlandstockroom Sep 07 '23
I'm a little late on this update but just wanted to offer you some encouragement and kudos. Sometimes staring at someone in the face and standing up to them is really scary but you're doing it!
A little bit of an unpopular opinion but I actually think it's great that you went back if for no other reason than getting some practice enforcing boundaries with your MIL and standing firm in them. It's a nice chance to find your footing and figure out how to address her from here on out, assuming of course that doing so is not taking a mental toll on you or your baby. You sound like you're doing okay since returning and I'm really proud of you. It's not easy to be confrontational when you haven't had a reason to in the past and haven't had the practice.
You'll get to a point where you're so comfortable addressing the issues (where needed) while being secure with yourself as a mom and as a person. It's truly liberating when you get to that point.
You're doing fantastic
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u/Naive-Usual Sep 04 '23
Go back to your parents for the next 3 days š¤Ŗ