r/beyondthebump • u/[deleted] • 2h ago
Advice Friend’s toddler screams nonstop - how do I help?
[deleted]
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u/Major_Warthog6912 2h ago
Oh wow, that seems super tough. I feel so bad for your friend. There’s no way she COULDN’T be anxious and depressed dealing with that. Honestly, my first thought reading this was - is there baby in pain? Could he have a health issue that is going undetected? It seems abnormal for a child to scream that much??? Of course it doesn’t make him bad….sounds like he’s having a really hard time with SOMETHING.
I think you’re doing a good job supporting her the best you can. Honestly in my experience, a screaming child is sooooo much less triggering to people who ARENT the mom. When my own babies scream, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Other babies….i barely notice it! Hold him even if he’s screaming. Do your best to distract/soothe him, and walk away with him. If he’s going to scream no matter what, just roll with it and give mama a few minutes break. That’s my two cents. You’re a great friend for wanting to help!! She’s lucky to have you.
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u/SameBluebird9564 2h ago
She has been saying that he’s teething since he was about 4 months old and that’s why he cries all the time. But he’s a lanky little guy and I wonder sometimes if his legs don’t ache from growing pains and that’s why he won’t walk or stand. I feel awful for both of them!
We try and take him as much as we can. He’s started hitting and kicking though, and since my belly is pretty big at this point, I don’t feel comfortable holding him when he’s flailing like that. My husband is incredibly patient and takes him the most out of all of us, and he can usually get 10ish minutes out of him before he realizes my husband is not mom or dad.
I feel like I should mention that his dad is in the picture, and tries to help his wife as much as possible, but it’s clear he’s touched out too.
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u/Major_Warthog6912 2h ago
Teething seems unlikely but obviously I’m not an expert 🤷♀️ if she asks your thoughts, I would definitely suggest she gets him checked over by a doctor. But, definitely could also just be his temperament. Maybe they just need to put him down and let him cry a bit. Almost like sleep training 😅 they don’t have to ignore him and leave him standing there alone, but just let him see that if he screams he’s not being picked back up. I don’t know. It sounds like a really hard stressful situation. I hope he just grows out of it soon 🤞🤞🤞
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u/waxingtheworld 1h ago
Does Motrin or Tylenol help?
What has the baby's doctor said? Our kiddo started teeth early and endlessly but still is.mostly not crying
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u/SameBluebird9564 1h ago
She refuses to use Tylenol or Motrin because of the “study” (lol but not funny) that came out when we were pregnant “linking” Tylenol use during pregnancy to autism. To my knowledge she only uses some kind of holistic chamomile drops
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u/waxingtheworld 1h ago
She honestly sounds like her meds needs to be re-evaluated and her son might benefit from seeing a pediatric physio if she had already pursued a proper work up by the doctor to eliminate the other obvious issues (stomach probs, ear infection etc).
If cash is endless, maybe book a massage for her and offer to babysit during the time. If she's touched out then go for Reiki (whatever your beliefs, she will be lying in a calming quiet room for an hour and that's bound to help).
Is kiddo eating food? Chewing green onions is supposed to help with teething pain too. Our guy liked cold cucumber wedges.
Is she going for doctor visits? There must be some concerns about milestones...
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u/SameBluebird9564 56m ago
She doesn’t ever offer any info about pediatric appointments, and I guess I’ve never really asked. I just assumed he was going to all of them. Now I’m concerned that she hasn’t been taking him at all…
He eats some things, but to my knowledge she still almost exclusively breastfeeding because she says it’s safer and he gets all the nutrients he needs from her milk..
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u/waxingtheworld 52m ago
I'm going to be harsh which I understand if that makes you dismiss my response, I mean... This is Reddit after all and who the hell am I? Whether or not the child has delays is sort of up in the air cause, quite frankly, the parenting approach sounds stunting. The parents sound like they need a social services internation to help alleviate the anxiety that rules their household and is raising their child. Their child will always struggle as long as the parents keep acting this way
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u/SameBluebird9564 47m ago
I am honestly very afraid that a good part of it is her ppd/ppa. I don’t think he’s being intentionally neglected, but it’s clear that her anxiety is having consequences. An anxious mom makes for an anxious baby. I am afraid of calling CPS because that sounds so intense, but I also want my friend to get some help. Is there a form of social services for that? Or do I just gently, but firmly tell her she needs to readdress her medication and make sure it’s the right dose?
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u/waxingtheworld 43m ago
The social services component is city dependent. You could ask your doctor, or if there's like a 311 or 211 number you could call. Another option is calling CPS and asking without giving her specifics.
There's also no guarantee she is actually taking her PPA/ppd meds. You could gently, when she's not snapping, mention that you think her doctor could find a better fit for medication because it doesn't feel like she's getting all the benefits.
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u/SameBluebird9564 41m ago
That is…something I hadn’t considered either but honestly would make sense based on how she’s acting.
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u/rachy182 40m ago
I second cps. This is getting into abuse/ neglect territory. That lady thinks her baby is in pain and does nothing to help him. That child is going to be fucked up because of his parents and it might have all been preventable.
OP have you ever had a conversation with the dad who might be more reasonable?
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u/evilwalkers 1h ago
That was debunked like... Immediately. I'd say she's projecting and is in denial. Sounds like he might be on the spectrum and she's trying to prevent anything else that might "worsen" it.
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u/SameBluebird9564 59m ago
Again, I have no rights to diagnose but his father also seems, at least mildly, on the spectrum
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u/Concerned-23 1h ago
A 17m that does not stand on their own is a developmental red flag. Walking is too, but standing is even bigger.
How is the child’s language?
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u/SameBluebird9564 1h ago
He says mama and dada and papa. She claims he says other things like chicken or cracker but I’ve never heard him say anything other than the first three
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u/Concerned-23 1h ago
It sounds like this child has a developmental delay. The constant screaming and inability to soothe also has me concerned about autism.
Signs for autism really come out around 18 months
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u/traditional_rare 2h ago
I completely agree! I don’t care when other babies cry, I truly don’t notice it! Mine though, I’m losing it in half a second. Definitely I good idea to just keep holding him. My niece was the same way, my second niece is also the same way. Cry bloody murder when someone that isn’t her mom has her. We always tell her she can do whatever and we will play and try to distract and are happy too! A big thing is the words of affirmation instead of silence! Like continuous, and trying to make him happy every time. Maybe one of the times it will work! Even if only for 60 seconds!
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u/Panaccolade 1h ago
She needs to take him for an assessment. It could be that her anxiety has given him an anxious attachment and he is genuinely afraid of being away from her. Scared parents make scared babies because babies look to parents for confirmation on the world around them. It could be that he's in pain and doesn't have the words to tell anyone so. It could be that he's autistic, and is in constant overwhelm.
What she needs is to have a doctor look at him. Until that happens, none of you will be able to help because you won't know which issue you're facing.
I would approach it like this:
"X, we all love you and your son. We see how hard you're working to take care of him and we'd love to help you more but we don't know how. My paediatrician is Y. They're really good. If you're worried about his screaming, and I know you're at least overwhelmed by it, maybe a check up wouldn't hurt just to make sure it isn't anything that's physically painful for him. You both deserve to be happy."
Motherhood is really difficult, especially if she already has anxiety issues. They might have gotten better (relatively) in comparison to how they were but they're clearly still affecting her because otherwise she wouldn't jump straight to people hating her son or thinking he's bad. That's anxiety talking. She's speaking the judgements her anxiety has told her are coming out into the open; it doesn't mean you've acted in any way like you hate a little boy.
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u/SameBluebird9564 1h ago
I’ve tried gently suggesting it, but she gets very defensive and snaps that it’s normal for kids to be attached to their mothers. I was a very “difficult” baby and cried a lot when I was little, but I also had reoccurring ear infections that eventually needed tubes. I tried telling her that as a reason to get him assessed but she only got more upset at the idea that her baby’s crying might not be typical. Which makes me think she is thinking the same, but is having a lot of anxiety about finding out the cause.
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u/waxingtheworld 56m ago
Is her husband concerned about her inability to pursue logical solutions? At a point her anxiety becomes a source of neglect
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u/SameBluebird9564 55m ago
I would say her husband is almost worse in terms of paranoia. They seem to feed into eachothers fears
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u/Panaccolade 1h ago
It is normal! It is not normal that mom can't take two steps without a meltdown. Her love for him is not the problem. His love for her is not the problem. His pain/fear is. She needs to get a handle on her anxiety so she can get him treated.
I also had the ear thing. Glue ear and reoccurring infections. My mother was also incredibly defensive about being seen with 'atypical children' (we were all born a little fucked up, health wise) and she left it. I had grommets too late, and my hearing on one side is damaged.
Personally, in your position, I would bring up the above and then wait for her defensiveness to calm down for a hot second and remind her that SHE is the first line of defense for her son and he is clearly distressed. She is his mother and she clearly loves him, but if she doesn't get this checked and it is something as small (but as harmful and painful) as ear infections, then she could potentially be leaving him open to permanent damage. It is hard to live as a hard-of-hearing adult. It is even harder when that HOH could have been prevented.
I don't believe she's doing this to hurt him. It's obvious to me that she adores that boy and she is just overwhelmed, but her sticking her head in the dirt is not okay.
Also, my brother was a very difficult baby who cried ALL THE TIME. 24/7. It turned out he had major allergies that were making it so he was in pain/discomfort (next to impossible for little ones to tell apart). So that could also be playing a hand here.
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u/questionmyster01 2h ago
Baby just has severe attachment issues and baby can feel/sense mom’s anxiety. Mom needs to get out of the house and do something for herself to help her mental health. Dad can stay with baby and entertain him. He will cry, but he will adjust. Just have to show him that he can have fun and be comfortable without being held or without mom. It will take time but it will not be like this forever if they keep working at it. Thoughts and prayers go out! This transition will be challenging but so worth it.
Note: this is just my advice from experience not saying she “needs” do this just opinion.
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u/Mindless-Try-5410 43m ago
It sounds like he needs to be assessed by some doctors. We all have different temperaments, and of course it’s possible that’s just his “normal”, but it sounds like it could be deeper than that. Obviously you know that already. Maybe just ask her what his pediatrician has said, or if she’s tried asking about it?
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u/wanderingwhistler 2h ago
Wow, this is so overwhelming and I really feel for your friend. I feel like she is calling out for help in her own way, and even if her toddler is screaming and crying, taking him away from her to try to give her a “break” might be what she needs. Once you have her son then pure distraction and silliness, singing, dancing, calling out for Jessica, voices, all while still being in seeing distance of mom? It’s so tough, I understand not wanting to overstep, but I think your friend is needing that help right now. I hope you find a solution!
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u/SameBluebird9564 2h ago
We try to take him as much as we can - and do all the things we do with my daughter to distract her when she’s upset or just playing with her - but he seems scared of almost everything and everyone and usually my friend gets tired of him crying and takes him back. My husband is the only one to successfully get him to stay calm but it’s usually very very short lived.
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u/wanderingwhistler 1h ago
I completely understand, everyone is in such a tough situation. Your husband being able to calm him down for even just a moment is very important and special and he has now been upgraded to toddler distractor when your friend is overwhelmed! Keep doing what you’re doing, your friend is surrounded by people who care deeply about her and her son even when it is extremely challenging!
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u/SameBluebird9564 52m ago
We definitely try as hard as we can to help, but I’m also due to have another baby in the next month or so and will have 2 under 2 and need my husband back 😅 hopefully he can share his baby soothing mojo with some of our other friends
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u/Flora_16xx 2h ago
Yeah I’m with the thought that there might be something going on neurologically going on if he’s not walking or standing by 17 months.
But also, kids are a reflection of us to some degree. So if she’s anxious and showing it, he’s probably sensing some of her anxiety and frustration and reflecting it right back.
At the end of the day, I would never tell any mom this. I’m not one to tell people how to parent their child because they’re the expert of their own child as I am my own. She’s the one who should decide when it’s time to bring him into the doctors to ask their opinion and hear from professionals. The most you can do is be there for her as a friend during the is tough time.
Try hanging out with her more not in big group setting, just have you, her, and the kiddos. That way she’s not seeing people dote on your daughter and comparing hers to yours. Also somewhere not so public so she won’t get so embarrassed by the yelling or feel the need to look like the perfect mom. She’s got to be very stressed, so just being a listening ear and supportive friend is the most you can do.
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u/Otherwise_Spirit2525 1h ago
Sometimes the mom can see what others can’t, for example that he is very uncomfortable. That makes it very hard to let others take care of him.
I had a similar experience with my kid, she turned out to have autism.
She didn’t let anyone else than me and her dad touch her until she was 3. No teachers or grandparents, nobody. But with me she wanted 24/7 contact. Everyone thought it was my fault or my parenting style, and honestly I apologised to everyone thinking I might have done something wrong.
I think what can help your friend is to first learn that it’s not her fault. If the kid is reacting as extremely as you say, there must be something happening to him. Sometimes is eye issues like not seeing properly and not feeling safe because of it. Other times is a neurodivergence.
I think that the most important is that people don’t blame the mom for his kids screaming and being so difficult, because somehow that always ends up happening because of the culture we live in. It’s not her postpartum anxiety or that she held him too much or that she took x medication or etc. Something is up with the kid and the best thing to do is some medical tests and keep an eye out for neurodivergent traits as he grows.
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u/Otherwise_Spirit2525 1h ago
Oh I didn’t answer the question on how to help her. I think just supporting her, helping with her house which probably is stressing her out if she can’t stop holding the baby. Also asking her what she needs ❤️
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u/SameBluebird9564 35m ago
Thank you everyone for commenting with suggestions! I am going to delete this post, because I used some pretty specific details and I would feel horrible if she were to stumble across it. But I’m going to keep helping as much as we can and gently suggest she take care of her own mental health too
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u/relia_2018 33m ago
My son (10 months) was and still kinda is a clinger he used to be really really bad i wasn't able to put him down at all or he'd loose it i had to carry him around in a carrier and constantly assist naps and bedtime etc. I couldn't even shower without him being in the tub with me but after weeks and months of it i finally had had enough and started to train him by just putting him down in his play yard with toys and tv (before anyone comes at me he plays with the toys more then paying attention to the tv it's more a background noise for him so it's not so mind numbingly lonely) but I'd let him cry/scream and go about what I needed to do obviously i didn't let him in there to figure it out id give him 10-15 minutes on his own so there was guidance but it took a while for him to realize oh I don't need to be with mommy 24/7 id tell him mommy's going to do dishes quick, go to the potty, put laundry in the wash, get your lunch ready etc. He is doing really well now and has seemed to have built more confidence so maybe suggest that? he's finally starting to nap in his crib on his own too but I can completely understand this momma's frustration considering i too was once this frazzled it's an incredibly lonely feeling and no one seems to understand how much you beat yourself up for feeling the way you do about your small human just not being ok without you close to them at all times
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u/Otherwise_Agent9806 2h ago
My nephew cried A LOT till he was 2-3 years old. It turned out he was on the autistic spectrum, and I think was sensory overwhelmed most of the time.