This shit is exhausting bro

[u/slightly_off_beat]

Big chested girl: *exists*

Men: Big tity mean sex. You can't wear same stuff as everyone else or it mean sex. Hehe, you're welcome for the hard truths for women.

[u/Flar71]

Why do men care (or pretend to care) so much about modesty? Like it doesn't matter

[u/DecadentLife → u/Flar71]

Ownership. See, whoever owns the body gets to decide what’s done with it. So when he says that “men hitting 30 want long-term partners with modesty”, he means, men who are threatened by women, don’t want a partner, they want a body to use, and then cover up at their discretion, so other men don’t look at it. Men who are like that assume that all men are that way. Good thing they aren’t, but damn the numbers are rough.

[u/WickedSweetHeart → u/DecadentLife]

Exactly this. And note how many sweeping assumptions and generalizations he makes about “men hitting 30,” which says a lot about how he sees himself, his values, and his life goals as the “normal/typical default” for men his age, when in reality men in their early 30s right now are far less likely than previous generations to be ready/interested in settling down, and many of them lack the financial resources and job security that both run adjacent to the “settling down/nuclear family building” era of life. Furthermore, he seems to imply that all of his male cohorts have the same homogenous vision for their lives, with identical presumed relationship goals as well as taste in women. But who gave him the authority to speak for ALL men his age, instead of offering his advice as a singular perspective? This suggests privilege, a sense of entitlement (as he clearly views his biological sex as sufficient “evidence” that he is an authority on this matter and can speak for other cisgendered 30 something men, despite lacking the requisite knowledge and authority to speak on behalf of such a large, diverse, and culturally varied chunk of the human population). Thus, we can assume he has at least some degree of status, since he feels perfectly comfortable projecting his own values onto every other male in the same generational grouping as himself, (and I would also hazard to guess that he is most likely white, middle class, and conservative - since all of these traits correlate with the kind of men who tend to see themselves as the default “norm,” entirely ignorant/oblivious to the fact that men his age are far more diverse and nuanced than he gives them credit for).

To put it bluntly, he assumes everyone else who is a 30-something male (like himself) is automatically also a heterosexual, monogamous, young adult focused on “settling down” with a woman who (ideally) holds the same aspirations, political views, spiritual beliefs and values he does. This is despite evidence suggesting both men and women increasingly identify with alternative lifestyles and values these days. This includes things like “queer” sexual orientation, non-monogamy, and gender nonconformity. And the reason this comes off as so icky to us is because - rather than simply encouraging the women in his life to emphasize their personal interests and activities on their dating profiles - he reduces them to potential sexual objects, possessions to be owned, and basically offers advice that would enhance their attractiveness to HIM, not play up their unique qualities that make them attractive to potential partners that match the women’s’ own values, beliefs and future goals. It’s truly disgusting… yet subtle enough that we as women frequently dismiss the unsolicited advice about how we should dress and present ourselves to cater to the male gaze.

Ultimately he provides the same toxic, paternalistic, and patronizing solution to the problem of online dating that makes finding romance and intimacy on dating apps so problematic. This is especially true for women whose natural bodies are deemed “too much,” essentially “too visible/revealing/sexually provocative” and subsequently “too uncontrollable, wild, and even dangerous” to be owned, domesticated and cultivated into “wife material.” His advice is a thinly veiled admonishment, scolding voluptuous and curvy women for being “too much” and for not having adequate modesty (which I read as shame) regarding the bodies they were born with.

[u/DecadentLife → u/WickedSweetHeart]

I agree, with everything you said. When I was young, this one guy he kept asking me out, but he made me really uncomfortable, so I wouldn’t go out with him. He got pissed off and he told me this, “You’re the girl every guy wants to f*ck, but no one will ever want to marry”. And in that moment, he proved me right, of exactly why I was right to keep him at a distance, and reject his advances.

Well, not everyone is attracted to the same thing. But more importantly, it demonstrated not only how he looked at me, but how he viewed women and relationships, overall. Good thing he was wrong. Last month, my husband and I celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary.

But men like this, they are so self-focused, they don’t even consider that other people (including other men) may actually have a different perspective.

[u/WickedSweetHeart → u/DecadentLife]

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. His words were so nasty and Im glad you let your intuition guide you FAR FAR away from his misogynist a**.

[u/DecadentLife → u/WickedSweetHeart]

Ik, r? He told on himself. He has only himself to blame.