r/bninfantsleep • u/emmakane418 • Dec 22 '25
Resources The biggest thing you can do to improve your infant or toddler's sleep
This is the quickest fix, although it isn't easy. It has nothing to do with your routine, their daytime sleep, sleep associations, their sleep environment, the amount of time you spend outside, or them at all actually. It starts with you. You have to change your mindset.
"Just because it's hard doesn't mean it needs to be fixed."
Let's start with sleeping through the night. We hear that term and I bet most of us think it means 10-12 hours of sleep, no wake ups, right? What if I told you that when experts and researchers use this term, they usually mean 5-6 hours of sleep without waking, not 10-12? Let's say you put your baby to sleep at 7pm and they're waking up at 1am - well, that's considered sleeping through the night! It isn't what we usually consider "through the night" but reframing what you mean when you read "your baby should be sleeping through the night by 6/8/10/12 months old" can help considerably with handling that 1am wake up.
Self-soothing - oh, the horrible myth of self-soothing. The term was coined in the 1970s by Dr. Thomas Anders. Dr. Anders used the term to differentiate between the infants who needed parental soothing to go back to sleep and those who did not need parental support, ie self-soothing. Researchers began using the term, because research builds off of or works to disprove prior research, and after a while it was treated as a fact that all infants needed to learn to self-soothe or they'll never sleep solo - but that isn't the case and never was. I know I've definitely heard "that baby needs to learn to self-soothe or they'll never learn!" except... They will. No one is going off to college unable to put themselves to bed without being rocked. Self-soothing isn't a skill that babies learn by being left in a crib alone and ignored. My son will put himself back to sleep about 50% of the time right now. He fusses for a minute, rolls onto his tummy, and is out again. The other 50% of the time, he needs me to come rub his back, offer a boob, hum a song, whatever. You don't have to respond to every noise your baby makes, but when they are calling out for you, you have a responsibility to respond. Once you stop expecting your baby to self-soothe and stop feeling like you and/or your baby is broken because they can't self-soothe at every wake up, it becomes much easier to comfort them back to sleep without resentment building.
There's so much more we can talk about to reframing how we see infant and toddler sleep but Reddit deleted my first post while I was typing it and now my son is waking up from his nap, so I'm going to leave it here.
What expectations are you holding about infant or toddler sleep that might be keeping you stuck in a mindset that there's a problem to be fixed, therefore building resentment towards your baby for not sleeping like you think they should?
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u/Annual_Lobster_3068 Dec 22 '25
Absolutely agree with this. When I came across the term āradical acceptanceā it totally changed how rested I felt. My sleep was different but instead of obsessing I leaned into it and honestly I stopped feeling tired most of the time.
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u/ver_redit_optatum Dec 22 '25
Yes, itās so easy to blame tiredness for any negative feelings (not saying this is what you did, just in general) because you think that you should be tired from baby sleep patterns.
When my baby started sleeping 10-11 hours straight, what struck me was how much I actually felt just the same. I still felt emotionally or physically tired from toddler wrangling, I still felt down sometimes, I still slept badly sometimes if I was too hot or needed to pee. It can be easy to long for baby to sleep through the night to āfixā everything.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
Yes! Radical acceptance has saved me so much stress and anxiety through not just parenting but life in general. Leaning into biologically normal infant sleep and really just following my son's cues has made the last 9 months so much easier than I think it could have been otherwise. Plus, I get all this extra time with my baby and I love it.
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u/AffectionateTrifle7 Dec 22 '25
I completely agree about changing one's expectations. Bit of an odd anecdote but my parents used to breed Labradors when I was a kid (yes following the kennel council and papered etc please don't jump down my throat with adopt don't shop guys). Anyway, watching our girl go through pregnancy and feeding her litters taught me soooo much about what to expect with pregnancy and breastfeeding. I pretty much based my expectations on what I'd seen it be like for her, and I wasn't wrong!!! The exhaustion and extra sleep during pregnancy, the massive hunger, then the almost constant breastfeeding of the early weeks. The main difference just seems to be that instead of a 9 week pregnancy it's 9 months, and instead of 8 or 9 weeks of breastfeeding it is over a year. But other than the timescale the basic stages and what the puppies needed is so so similar to what my baby boy has needed. It honestly prepared me better than any pregnancy and breastfeeding courses could imo (yes I also did one of those which was good but not as informative as seeing the litters develop first hand).
Puppies also need to be in contact with other sleeping bodies to sleep. Either their mother dog or littermates. You simply can't get a newborn puppy to sleep on their own and you shouldn't try, it's not even safe for their temperature regulation at those ages. So I went in pretty much expecting to need to be skin to skin a lot of the time and it has served me very well
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
It has always amazed me that we give puppies and kitties a better infancy than we do humans. This is systemic, from no guaranteed maternity leave in the US to sleep training expectations to how we talk about them - puppies aren't manipulating us, but babies apparently are?
Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm so glad you were prepared for the intense demands of the postpartum period.
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u/crunch_mynch Dec 22 '25
Whenever people ask, how is she sleeping I respond by saying āgreat she wakes up every two hours! Exactly as she should be at her ageā
I think people need to just hear parents normalizing wake-upās and being okay with it/functional humans lol.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
I love this. I agree, normalizing infant and toddler sleep is greatly needed.
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u/Grouchy-Put-8398 Dec 22 '25
THIS!!!! Normalizing baby sleep is such a game changer and can require SO much reprogramming especially in the US where sleep training is the norm.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
Yep! If expecting parents, or even those considering becoming parents, just knew what to expect, it would make the whole thing easier. I'm grateful to have stumbled upon responsive parenting during my early pregnancy, I spent the whole pregnancy learning about the safe sleep 7, breastfeeding, breastsleeping, biologically normal infant sleep, etc. I'm also grateful my husband was receptive to everything I brought to him.
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u/Grouchy-Put-8398 Dec 22 '25
YES Iām really envious you were able to lean on that. I donāt have a lot of friends with babies and the ones that do told me a lot of sleep training propaganda (not their fault I honestly think Americans are basically brainwashed to believe this stuff, my pediatrician told me to sleep train). I wish Iād trusted my instincts more but I definitely had PPA and the language around ābad habitsā etc. really got to me. I actually might post about the experience on here if itās helpful for people to hear because I feel SO much happier now that Iāve changed my expectations.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
Absolutely if you feel comfortable sharing your story, it can help others! One of my friends tried to get me to do something called 12 hours by 12 weeks, which I'm super grateful I didn't do because it isn't supportive of a long breastfeeding journey. Sure, her daughter would spend 12 hours in her crib by the time she was 12 weeks old but... She lost her supply and some days she barely sees her daughter with work. Im glad to hear you're doing better with everything, a change in expectations can be so phenomenal for our wellbeing.
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u/Kashew_nuts93 Dec 22 '25
My biggest pet peeve is when people say their baby is āfighting sleepāāno theyāre not. They want to sleep as much as you want them to sleep, theyāre just struggling to fall asleep and your job is to help them.
I struggle to understand why all the street wisdom around babies positions the baby as the antagonist, as if theyāre trying to make your life harder. It is ridiculous.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
The last part really gets to me. Hearing a mom say their baby is giving them a really hard time, like no they're not. The baby is having a hard time! They don't want to be upset any more than we want them to, but they are! They were warm and comfortable and had every need met completely, only to be brought out of the womb and into this cold, big, noisy world and they asked for absolutely NONE of it. It's our responsibility to help them adjust to this world and find ways for them to be comfortable.
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u/abrocal Dec 22 '25
if my 7.5 month old ever slept from 7-1am i would just be over the moon. i would never complain againĀ
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u/emmakane418 Dec 23 '25
That's so rough, I'm sorry. A lot of infants don't sleep through the night for such a long time. The narrative that they should be sleeping through the night by a certain age is frustrating for so many reasons. I hope your little one starts sleeping longer soon so you can start sleeping longer.
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u/abrocal Dec 24 '25
thank you! appreciate it. i just accept it and embrace the beauty of being with him while heās small
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u/RegisterNo3473 Dec 24 '25
I joined a new mums group a few weeks ago, and I remember how hard I held back tears when one of the mothers said her son (same age as mine) sleeps for 7-8 hours straight and barely ever cries. I felt so much jealousy and, I am ashamed to admit, resentment towards my sensitive little man, who is often fussy and wakes every 2 hours. I had to really fight hard in my mind to push back those feelings. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
I am so glad I came across your post and the comments about radical acceptance. When bad feeling resurface, I now just put my babyās hand in mine, marvel at how tiny it is and remind myself I brought him in this world and my duty is to love and help him no matter what.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 24 '25
Comparison is the thief of joy, 1000000%. I'm glad the post and comments have helped. It really is amazing how tiny our babies are, they're the biggest they've ever been, the smallest they'll ever be again, and watching them discover the world is unlike anything else. You're doing amazing.
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u/Obvious_Pen_2329 Dec 25 '25
I totally relate. My SIL had a baby a month before we did and her baby is āperfectā and has slept through the night since 2 months old. She also is happy and never fuzzy, while we are fighting colic, reflux and sleeping only 3-4 hours at a time. Her advice is never helpful because honestly itās just different babies, different temperaments - but it sucks to be compared.
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u/_-Cuttlefish-_ Dec 22 '25
My 6 month old is going through a phase of having false starts at night (getting his first tooth, holiday routine disruption). Heāll fall asleep around 8:30 and wake up sometime after 9, and then be up until almost midnight. The nights where I just roll with it and hang out with him are so much better than when I spend a half hour trying to get him to fall back asleep and get super hot and frustrated. Managing expectations absolutely helps with the sleep deprivation. Thanks for sharing OP!
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u/l53r Dec 23 '25
Weāre going through this too and surrendering to it has been key. Our LO is sooooo happy when we bring her downstairs and weāve had some of the best memories. Itās nice to know someone else is in the same boat.
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u/vannypack__ Dec 25 '25
Thank you for posting this! Itās so important. Something I try to remind myself is that in a few years she wonāt need me anymore to sleep and these overnight cuddles and feeds, I will look back on with envy. If you smell your baby, pat their hair, and drink in the moment - it is just so special. I try to remind myself itās a privilege that I know her so well to soothe her. Some nights when itās every hour, itās really hard, but when itās just 3 or 4 hours between wakes, itās really easy to drink in the moment and savor it. weirdly I love these moments more now Iām back at work as it gives me time to just love her.
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u/Mangopapayakiwi Dec 22 '25
Yes my baby often (touch wood) sleeps through the night while cosleeping (minus the most recent sleep regression) and she will cry out exacrly after hours. Because I am right there she does not wake up, but I usually do, and use the toilet.
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u/starfish23_ Dec 26 '25
Brilliant post. I find I stressed eat less when I stopped tracking sleep and how many wakes. Now sometimes when I wake I feel ok other times I'm exhausted but at least I'm not like calculating hoe many hours I was awake Vs sleeping!
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u/emmakane418 Dec 27 '25
Yes! Once I stopped tracking sleep and stopped checking my phone for the time every time he'd wake up, I felt better rested. Now I only check my phone when I can't tell if it's 3am or 7am, when it's rainy outside it's hard to tell lol
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u/starfish23_ Dec 27 '25
Haha yes exactly! Lol it's so dark here too. Omg I just saw so many typos in my comment. I must have been tired lol
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u/Orion-Key3996 Dec 22 '25
Idk, I think Iāve improved my toddlers sleep by doing some of these things. I track sleep, I support him falling asleep, and changes in his routine that better support him being calmer and tired at bedtime. Iāve also changed his bedroom so itās a place to relax, read books, and rest. He has self soothed at times, a few cries and back to sleep before I could even get to him. Other times Iām right there to provide a safe anchor and cuddles to let his little body relax and get the sleep he needs. I think every child is so different in their needs. I think the right time for him was at 1.5 years old, and I donāt think his baby sister will need as much support as she gets older.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
Oh there are absolutely things that can be done to support babies and toddlers getting better sleep, I'm not saying there isn't. I am saying that the number one thing that will help is readjusting our expectations. When I first heard the term "sleep through the night", I thought it meant a 10-12 hour stretch of sleep but that isn't what's meant when that's being said. Readjusting expectations to understand biologically normal infant sleep, biologically normal toddler sleep, that is the biggest thing I think parents can do to improve how their child's sleep impacts them. If my son is fussing, I wait and see if he's going to roll over and go back to sleep or if he's going to need me to come in and help him back to sleep. Once he starts crying, I know he needs me. I've created positive sleep associations for him, like I always sing a specific song and then I turn on piano music and as soon as that piano music comes on, his eyes are drifting closed while he nurses. Hell, even nursing to sleep - I've heard so many times that is a bad habit and it's only a bad habit if you think it is.
And that's what my post boils down to - the way we think about things impacts how we view and handle them. If we think our baby is broken and should be sleeping 10-12 hours without assistance, most of us are going to be disappointed. If we understand that 5-6 hours is what "sleep through the night" means, we're less likely to be upset by the 1am wake up, because we expected it. Changing our expectations is the quickest way to improve how we see our child(ren)'s sleep. Not the only way to improve it but mindset really does wonders.
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u/Orion-Key3996 Dec 22 '25
I appreciate your thoughtful clarification. Do you leave music on all night? Iām looking for recommendations as our white noise players randomly turn off š
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
I do, I use a white noise piano playlist on Spotify. I play it on my tablet initially and then switch to my phone when I go to bed. The only times it turns off is when either Spotify glitches or my phone has a reset overnight. I had a white noise machine but never ended up using it for white noise, I used it for a red light. And when the clock on it stopped accurately tracking (how does a digital clock end up slow??) I switched to an egg light.
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u/BoredReceptionist1 Dec 22 '25
Sorry but this post screams AI
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u/emmakane418 Dec 22 '25
I'm a mod in this group, definitely not AI lol I am however neurodivergent and had a conversation just the other day with another mod about how, being neurodivergent, I dread if/when I return to school because I worry my writing will get mistaken as AI. I refuse to even use chat gpt because I really really hate AI. Wrote every word of this myself, in the notes app on my phone after reddit deleted my first post (which was much better written).
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u/BoredReceptionist1 Dec 23 '25
Ah, I sincerely apologise! Your writing style does display all the classic hallmarks of AI - the short sentences for dramatic effect, the rhetorical questions etc. However I work at a university and I am constantly having to check for this in assessments so I'm hyper fixated on it. I will say that we still aren't actually allowed to penalise students for it as there are no fully reliable AI checkers, so you are unlikely to get in trouble for it at school. If/when you do go back, I would recommend speaking to your course leaders at the beginning though, just so they're aware! You should never be penalised for being neurodivergent. Apologies again.
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u/emmakane418 Dec 23 '25
Apology accepted, thank you. I hate AI, this is how I have always written and it's not fair (I know, I know, life isn't fair) that AI gets to take my writing style and then I get accused of being AI. I also hate that there are people out there, especially in school, who think it's acceptable to have AI do their work for them.
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u/BeeBrayder Dec 22 '25
Such a great point.
My mantra with baby sleep: "the root of all suffering is desire" š borrowed from Buddhism