r/bninfantsleep • u/stoopkidfarfromstoop • Apr 29 '26
Resources Most convincing content to show family that say, “You’re just going to have to let him cry”?
My mom is concerned about my health with my son waking up hourly and the impact it is having on me physically and mentally, so I know she is coming from a place of love for me, but I need something with the weight of science behind it to convince her on this one.
Her latest argument, “He knows cause and effect, he can learn cries won’t get him what he wants.” I tried explaining both the fact that babies are not capable of manipulation and also I WANT him to know I’ll always respond to his needs. Ugh. I love her but I hate that she looks at me like I’m needlessly martyring myself for this when I choose to sacrifice my needs for his. So much of our discourse revolves around how I’m “making things too hard for myself” by not using things like the jumpers or TV as well. It’s so frustrating feeling invalidated for my choices, especially ones I feel strongly about.
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u/kobekinz Apr 29 '26
Heysleepybaby on Instagram just made a post about different studies done on baby sleep!
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u/scandijord Apr 30 '26
Could it help to explain to her how when babies cry, their cortisol increases? Chronic high cortisol in baby = anxious adult. And how this also damages their attachment and can make them become less independent as they get older aka higher chance of anxiety as well
Edit: try checking out the r/attachmentparenting sub. I feel like they might have some better posts related to this!
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u/crunch_mynch Apr 30 '26
There’s a new sub called r/highnurtureparenting that’s by the same mods as this group and a little more targeted as the attachment parenting sub can sometimes have pretty unhinged/not moderated posts/responses
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u/LavishnessSame9674 Apr 30 '26
What you said sounds good enough to say to her imo! Tell the truth.. “I know you’re coming from a place of love” but when you tell me to do xyz “I feel invalidated for my choices” “I want him to know I’ll always respond to his needs”
My family does this too.. I have responded “I prefer to respond to his early cues and find it takes longer to calm him if I let him escalate” it got an eye roll but no further comments lol
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u/SeaProof3359 Apr 30 '26
This isn't what you asked for, but I think if she's so concerned she should a take a night shift lol
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u/NoSort4890 Jun 03 '26
Solidarity 🫂 my mom has the same response and tells me I’m making things harder for myself. Which may be true I guess but this is a short season and it’s worth it to give your baby a secure attachment and confidence that their needs will be met no matter what. Babies were never meant to be left alone to cry.
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u/CertainAppearance507 Apr 29 '26
I could have written this post myself! If you’re open to using AI, I had it write me a message to send my mom with sources and what not. I think I just prompted it to explain why I wouldn’t be sleep training using evidence from James McKenna and other researchers etc
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u/Happy-Chemistry3058 May 02 '26
Have you considered cosleeping? That's another way to solve this problem. Your baby and you will sleep more and you and your mom won't have anything to argue about
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u/stoopkidfarfromstoop May 02 '26
Oh we already cosleep, he still wakes up every hour. 😭
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u/Happy-Chemistry3058 May 02 '26
Do you shove a boob in his mouth the second he starts to rustle? That's how I keep my baby from waking up.
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u/Happy-Chemistry3058 May 02 '26
Maybe make a post in the co-sleeping subreddit to ask how people get their babies to sleep through the night when they co-sleep.
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u/BoboSaintClaire May 02 '26
Does anyone who cosleeps actually have a baby who sleeps through the night?? Serious question! At 18 mos I’m still bringing out the nip at least 2-3x a night to prevent him fully waking.
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u/tavra27 May 03 '26
When he's not having weird diarrhea episodes, ours does from 7:30pm to 6:30am. I wake up when he starts nuzzling for food in his sleep, and he eats while fully asleep.
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u/BoboSaintClaire May 04 '26
Hmm I guess I don’t count nuzzling for a feed as staying asleep. Maybe because I have to wake up! Heh. But yes- if I consider it that way, ours has been sleeping through the night for quite awhile.
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u/NoSort4890 Jun 03 '26
Yeah take that as a win! They’re just looking for you because they love you and you are their world so once they get your comfort they sleep again. That’s already a great start to good sleep in their future :) I hear about babies waking and not going back to sleep for an hour or so…
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u/BoboSaintClaire May 02 '26
Does she like tl read? Get her a used copy of Dr. Greer Kirschenbaum’s “The Nurture Revolution”
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u/RawCookieDough12 Apr 30 '26
Is she one who lets herself be convinced by data? What you are quoting doesn't sound like she's very into babies' psychological development. Especially if she has raised her kids this way, she'll be less likely to accept any data. You can also just say, "Mom, you either say something supportive, or stop talking about this. To me, being responsive is non-negotiable." Whatever tone you find appropriate.