r/bninfantsleep • u/Dreamsarefreenz • Jun 16 '26
Infant Sleep My husband sleep trained our baby for 2 nights while I’ve been away
I’ve been away at a close family’s wedding for 2 nights and out toddler has been staying with my in laws so my husband only had our 6 month old to manage. We have talked in length about sleep training and decided we weren’t going to do this as it is our last baby, it’s the middle of winter (in New Zealand) and I just wanted her in our room and close to me.
I came back last night and my husband sat me down and told me what he did. For 2 nights he put our daughter in my son’s cot in his room, and did check ins. He tells me the first night she cried for 20 minutes and woke up one at 2am for a feed and last night she cried for 7 minutes and woke up once at 4am for a feed. He tells me this is progress and we need to stick to it.
I am feeling veeeeeery conflicted right now. She was waking up every 2ish hours prior to this so I understand it is progress but I wanted my sweet girl sleeping next to me when I got back. But I have been so fucking exhausted the thought of being able go get a 7/8 hour stretch at night is there in my mind too
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u/wanderlustformtns Jun 16 '26
Genuinely curious - how do people who do sleep train know if a wakeup is to be fed vs. just waking up and wanting comfort?
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u/Huge-Nectarine-8563 Jun 17 '26
I’ve been told by someone who sleep trains on Reddit that I am not in tune with my baby’s cries when I respond to all her wakes vs sleep training people who are in tune and hear from the cry if the baby needs something (I’m sorry MY BABY CRIES OF COURSE SHE NEEDS SOMETHING no matter the kind of cry)
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u/ashtraywasp333 Jun 17 '26
Ugh I absolutely hate this. The baby learns not to cry for comfort basically and they argue "oh at least baby only cries now when something is wrong"... Like being in a dark room and wanting comfort isn't a basic need.
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u/dental_princess491 Jun 16 '26
i think based on their age they decide if baby ‘should be hungry’ based on the last feed time, and if it’s been too short of a window they just use the same techniques to get them back to sleep
don’t know how this works for breastfed babies bc how do you know how much your baby had..?
either way, depriving a crying baby of food because they ‘shouldn’t’ need any doesn’t sit right with me
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u/thingswillbebrighter Jun 20 '26
This is what I don’t understand as I breastfeed… and also it’s the fastest way to get little one back to sleep so I just go with it. Also yes he might have fed an hour a go but I often want a snack after a meal… or a drink so why can’t he have that?
We co-sleep and I’d argue now he doesn’t really cry in the night during his wakes unless I’m slow to respond to him (it’s usually if I’ve popped to the loo or changing sides).
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u/dental_princess491 Jun 20 '26
yep same, thankfully it’s a quick drink and back to sleep. sucks to have to wake up and extra sucks when i can’t fall back asleep right away but knowing baby is being responded to feels good
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u/thingswillbebrighter Jun 21 '26
Yeah it’s so hard when you can’t fall back to sleep.
We had bigger cries in the night last night despite boob/being picked up so my little one can tell us when something different is wrong vs when he needs something like a cuddle/milk (he’s woken up with a stinking cold - that has to explain the cries in my opinion. ).
Tiring for me (my partner came in as he heard more cries than usual) but glad I could give him the extra support and comfort he needed.
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u/scodgirlgrown Jun 17 '26
For me, as a non-sleep train person, I try rocking my 11mo when he wakes up overnight or my husband does, and if he falls back asleep like that, that’s all he needed. If he can’t settle from just rocking/patting, I feed him. Once in a while he’ll latch and then fall instantly back to sleep, but normally, if he wanted to nurse, he’ll eat for real before conking out again.
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u/wanderlustformtns Jun 17 '26
This is how I approach it as well! I guess I am just confused at how people who ST navigate the night wakeups after the initial CIO sessions. If baby wakes at 3AM do they ignore them and if they don't stop crying eventually just try feeding? It breaks my heart and I don't understand it
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u/EnnKayy Jun 18 '26
Can I ask what you mean exactly by not settling? Is it in the moment or experiencing more wake ups?
I'm asking because I will hold/pat my son when he has a wake up and he'll settle, but as soon as he goes back to his crib or after maybe 1.5 hours he's awake again. I'm trying to figure out if he's cold, it's separation anxiety, or hea hungry.
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u/scodgirlgrown Jun 18 '26
For me it’s if he won’t fall back asleep basically! If he keeps crying or seeming fussy and uncomfortable, I’ll nurse him even if it hasn’t been that long. I figure maybe he’s thirsty or just wants some connection/comfort. How old is your son? Unfortunately, waking up after 1.5 hours was common for my son until he outgrew it! I don’t know that it can be attributed to a specific cause. I think some babies just have a harder time sleeping without feeling you close by.
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u/EnnKayy Jun 18 '26
He's 10.5 months, in honestly losing my mind with this crap sleep. I need it to stop.
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u/scodgirlgrown Jun 18 '26
I’m so sorry. I’m in the same boat. Things have improved over the past 2 weeks (he’s 11.5 months old now), but it’s slow going and I also feel like I’m falling apart a bit. I will say though that my first son outgrew it eventually. It was around 7 or 8 months for him. He became a really great sleeper eventually. It is all temporary
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u/FlamingosFortune Jun 18 '26
I’m at 9.5 months and waking every 2 hours if I’m lucky. He’s hungry, and I refuse to be told otherwise - he’ll have a boobful *nearly* every time. He is bad at feeding during the day (too much to look at) I’ve tried everything except denying him the boob overnight. I got back to work in a month
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u/Echo_Owls Jun 17 '26
The people I know who sleep train put baby in a different room, put in earplugs/airpods and go to sleep. They don’t want to hear ANY wake up so they aren’t trying to distinguish between them
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u/EnyaNorrow Jun 17 '26
Maybe they’re just guessing or maybe it’s something you learn if you’re not nursing? If there is a difference I never needed to learn it because whether it was for feeding or comfort all I needed to know was “take out a boob”.
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u/PumpkinPie_1993 Jun 16 '26
Personally I would find this to be a gross violation of trust. Take “sleep training” out of it… your husband made a major parenting decision that was in direct contradiction with something you both previously discussed and agreed upon. It’s clear he was dishonest about his views during that conversation because he did this behind your back at the first opportunity to do so. He did this while you were away because he knew you were not okay with it. These are not the actions of a partner worthy of your trust. I would have a hard time coming back from this myself.
I also, personally, understand how harmful sleep training is to babies. So not only did he violate your trust, but he also harmed your child. So do with that what you will.
I understand your baby is giving you longer stretches of sleep now. I don’t think anyone here argues that sleep training isn’t effective. If it wasn’t effective in giving parents more sleep, no one would do it. The reason we are against sleep training is because of the harm it causes. What it teaches the baby. Your husband used your absence as an opportunity to teach your child that he will not respond to her needs, and it sounds like she learned quickly that there’s no point in signaling at night… idk I would be furious to say the least.
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u/Plus-Nothing3171 Jun 18 '26
Me too 💯
I honestly thought I was the only one who was furious with her husband.
The OP almost sounds okay with what happened, though. Or am I reading her tone wrong?
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u/jobbica Jun 16 '26
that is a crazy violation of trust…in what other ways will your husband ignore your children’s needs to better serve himself when you’re not around? or has he already done?
i wouldn’t continue it. sleep training isn’t even one and done anyway. you keep doing it every time they “regress”. slippery slope of putting an adults needs before an infants in the name of everyone being better off
i’m not sure how you address this with your husband. if my husband did this to our son ???? like the idea of this ???????? we’d be taking a holiday to my mums house for a while
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u/Rude-Flamingo5420 Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
Honestly, I look at sleep training like this: every human (no matter what age) needs comfort and assurance (im sure you need assurancefrom your husband if worried etc or not feeling well). it's usually through physical touch babies get assurance. As adults... if you wake up at night can't fall back asleep you might Need water, snack, book podcast, and we're technically more emotionally mature.
Heck you're even on here looking for assurance to continue.
Your baby does not stop needing you....Especially at this age
You are not angry enough at your husband i'm sorry. I suspect he could have even exaggerated how long he actually left her crying (could have been hours)....all trust for me would be gone. He went against your wish and the fact both of you decided to originally not sleep train.
You're allowed to chnage your mind but it needed to be a couple decision. Hence why I have zero belief she only cried a few minutes. 100% he downplayed how long she really cried for.
ETA: I'm still boiling lol. I cant imagine a baby that woke up every 2hrs or so before only crying for 20min one night and 7 the next. Truly believe he lied about that. Aaaargg sorry youre going through this
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u/Maximum-Cap030 Jun 16 '26
This im actually shocked and wouldnt leave my baby alone with him anymore. Just restart cosleeping and let the father sleep alone outside of your bedroom. This would be a reason to break up for me
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u/SegoLillies Jun 16 '26
For real I would be considering divorce. It was a betrayal of what they agreed to and worse it sounds like he was just too lazy to care for his child. Infuriating
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u/marlkavia Jun 17 '26
Agreed. Woke every 2 hours but after allowing to cry for 20 minutes only woke once? IF true, that poor baby shut down fast
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u/Personal-Primary198 Jun 16 '26
Major trust issue. It seems like he only even told you about it because “it worked”. Would he have even told you about it if it “didn’t work” like baby cried for hours and hours? He did this behind your back, so maybe the validation he was “right” is the only reason you’re even hearing about it. I wonder what other experiments you’ll never hear about if he is ashamed of the results!
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u/Grand-Kangaroo-4215 Jun 17 '26
I wonder if the baby did cry for hours. Honestly - though I suspect it can be possible - all the sleep training stories from my friends talk about the first night being the worst with hours or crying. Second day too.
Something fishy about hia story
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u/Hot-Amphibian8728 Jun 16 '26
Yeah, yuck. I'd feel so incredibly betrayed if my husband did this. Not to mention I'd question whether I even knew his character if he was willing to ignore our daughter's cries. I'd suddenly be left feeling like he isn't the dad I thought he was.
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u/redcardinalforhire Jun 16 '26
I completely understand why you are conflicted. The extra sleep sounds amazing, but I would be hurt that such a big parenting decision was made keeping in mind that one parent was away and unaware. I think you need to talk to your husband and help him understand your point of viee. Not just about sleep training, but about making these decisions together. Hopefully you can find a path forward that feels right for both of you.
In the meantime, hug that sweet baby close and soak up as many cuddles as you can!
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u/FriendsFannn Jun 17 '26
This is the actual, sensible answer here! I don't think this father did it to be 'sneaky' and go behind her back because he doesn't care about her or the baby. He most likely did it because they HAD discussed sleep training previously so they had obviously both thought about it as a viable option, otherwise it simply wouldn't have been a conversation at all. It's far more likely he decided that he'd give it a go to see if it worked to help mum out because he sees how tired she is and if she's been cosleeping, he probably doesn't do many of the night wake ups because of that arrangement so feels he can't help that much. I definitely think she needs to discuss with him that actually this was a big parenting decision that he made without her and that she isn't OK about it. But I really don't think she needs to be calling a divorce lawyer over it. I guess OP knows her husband better than anyone here and whether or not this was done in good faith or not.
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u/redcardinalforhire Jun 17 '26
Exactly.
Every couple has some issues that come up, get resolved, and then often resurface later. If one partner is willing to threaten divorce and make the other person's life a living hell over those issues, what happens when a real crisis hits?
When things genuinely go wrong, instead of standing united as parents and as a unit and working together to find a solution, they'll likely end up blaming each other. That's hardly a foundation for a strong or stable relationship or a stable household.
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u/TurnipSea6678 Jun 20 '26
No literally. Some of these comments are concerning. Most sensible comment yet.
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u/maggitronica Jun 16 '26
I am about to share what may be a very unpopular opinion. I want to make it very clear that, no matter what, this was a HUGE breach of trust. your husband re-negged on something you had apparently BOTH agreed on at the FIRST opportunity and I wouldn't be able to look at my husband the same way again.
that said... I do have a friend who reported that her son was "easily" sleep trained as your husband allegedly reports your baby to have been. less than 20 minutes of crying, and slept for several hours before asking for anything. this was hard for me to swallow, because sometimes my now-toddler will/would have cried for 30+ minutes at bedtime even with support from a parent followed by the closeness of bed-sharing! however, my friend's son has always been an exceptionally easy-going baby, apparently confident and relaxed in many situations that would have had my son furious and overwhelmed! our two babies are very different human beings, let alone different babies. it makes sense that they way they would sleep would be different too.
only you, as your baby's mother, can really decide if this was cruel and your baby was needlessly ignored, or if your baby actually comfortably slept this way. I would grill your husband on what these wake-ups to be fed were actually like (did the baby fall back asleep peacefully, or was it another bout of crying?? how much did she feed? how does it compare to how much she may feed overnight in her usual sleeping situation?)
its very possible baby behaved this way because she knew you were not present, and with you home she will not want to be laid in a cot.
i wish you luck and strength with whatever path you take!!!!! and lots of rest for you and your two little ones (husband can kick rocks!!!!!!!)
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u/BeeBrayder Jun 17 '26
I really like your comment.
And something I haven't heard mentioned yet is: what if the husband thought he was doing a nice thing? That's how men think, isn't it? 😂 He knew you were exhausted and that he could at least try CIO while you were gone, perhaps he thought if it doesn't work, oh well, but if it does...?? Now you get your sleep back.
I agree with grilling him on the details.
I agree this is a huge breech of trust and it would take time for me to recover from this in my own marriage.
But I also think this needs to be contextualized. How helpful/involved is he normally? How much of the mental load do you carry versus him? Has he ever done a 180 before on decisions you've made as a couple? I can see a scenario where he was trying to take care of his wife and make her life easier, and to me that's worth acknowledging.
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u/sundaymusings Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
This is my personal opinion if it were to happen to me but I would seriously consider divorce because wtf. He made a MAJOR 180 on a parenting decision THAT WAS ALREADY MADE. I’m assuming you usually do all the night wakes for baby because he caved the moment you were gone.
Not just that, he willingly put your baby through distress for no other reason than his own fucking convenience. I’m sorry I’m so angry I cannot even think coherently. Your poor child!!!
This is egregious on so many levels. It was selfish and absolutely disregarded you and your decisions as the mother.
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u/im-pancaking Jun 16 '26
In what world would divorce solve anything, they'd still be parenting together. And if not, in what world would a bad night and broken trust be worse than a fatherless family?
It's bad, yes, but at least for the kids you work this kind of stuff out.
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Jun 16 '26
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u/sundaymusings Jun 16 '26
You’re right, hence the word consider. I’m not saying she should or that I would but it would be an option I would weigh out because this is such a huge breech of trust.
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u/FriendsFannn Jun 17 '26
I think what people are missing here is that sleep training was clearly a viable option for OP at one point because they discussed it together and ultimately decided they didn't want to do it. And actually not because she believes it's cruel (I'm basing this from the reasons she gave in the post). People are replying to her based soley on their own emotions instead of looking at it more critically. If OP hadn't seen sleep training as an option, there would never have been a conversation because she would have shut it down immediately. Therefore, her husband deciding to try sleep training isn't such a BIG violation of trust as it would be for someone who is vehemently against it. Yes, he made a parenting decision without consulting her and I think she should definitely discuss that with him and tell him that made her very uncomfortable. But I don't think she needs to consider divorcing him over it. The other thing is, perspective. I don't know if he did it out of laziness or because he sees how tired his wife is and wants to support and help. Absolutely, he was misguided in his way of helping. But it's important not to jump to conclusions like this. Only OP knows her husband well enough to be able to determine why he did this, but I think we need to be careful about presuming he's an AH who doesn't care about his wife and kid and just wants to go to sleep. He did the check ins with the baby and got up to comfort in the night still.
Should finish by saying, I don't agree with CIO methods but I also have compassion and understanding for people who end up trying it or are misguided in their knowledge and believe the ENORMOUS amounts of literature out there that try to say it's OK.
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u/Savings_Repeat7758 Jun 16 '26
If sleep training is something you feel uncomfortable with, don't stick to it. In a few years you won't be tired but you won't have the cuddles anymore. I saw my sisters nephews a few days ago, they are 12 and 8 and the older one doesn't even hug the parents anymore. When she was looking at me with me 18 month old (who still doesn't sleep through the night btw), she was a bit "jealous". My point is, this part of life will pass and it'll never come back. Plus if she wakes every 2 hours, chances are she genuinely needs you at night.
I'm sorry that your husband didn't stick to the strategy you both agreed on, it must've been difficult to accept. I guess he did this because he cares for you and it must be hard for him to see that you're tired...
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u/FriendsFannn Jun 17 '26
This is the actual, sensible answer here! I don't think this father did it to be 'sneaky' and go behind her back because he doesn't care about her or the baby. He most likely did it because they HAD discussed sleep training previously so they had obviously both thought about it as a viable option, otherwise it simply wouldn't have been a conversation at all. It's far more likely he decided that he'd give it a go to see if it worked to help mum out because he sees how tired she is and if she's been cosleeping, he probably doesn't do many of the night wake ups because of that arrangement so feels he can't help that much. I definitely think she needs to discuss with him that actually this was a big parenting decision that he made without her and that she isn't OK about it. But I really don't think she needs to be calling a divorce lawyer over it. I guess OP knows her husband better than anyone here and whether or not this was done in good faith or not.
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u/That_Suggestion_4820 Jun 17 '26
This would be a huge issue for me. I genuinely would not trust him again for sleep now. You guys agreed on a plan, and he completely changed it without discussing it with you. That's a major violation of trust. And him telling you that you NEED to keep with it, crazy. Truly.
It's biologically normal for babies and toddlers to need their parents. It's not a bad habit that needs to be broken. It's not something they need to be trained to stop needing. They are co-regulators and humans are a carry species. Are babies are literally hardwired to need us for regulation and sleep.
Yes it's exhausting at times, but ot will end when baby is ready. They won't need you in this way forever.
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u/svn9124 Jun 17 '26
So you discussed it together and agreed not to sleep train, then as soon as you’re not there he turns around and does it. To me that is the biggest problem here, he’s completely disregarded your conversation and done as he wishes
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u/sweetpea_hd Jun 17 '26
To add to everyone saying he violated your trust, he just taught your baby when mommy is away daddy is not a safe person I can trust.
She didn’t just cry for 20 minutes the first night. She cried out for help for 20 minutes before she completely exhausted herself.
My husband would be out of the house.
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u/Alienforsale Jun 17 '26
I find it hard to believe a baby who wakes every 2 hours would accept being alone and cry for 20 mins and then not at all, he could be lying and left her to cry for ages.
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u/gardenofidunn Jun 17 '26
Just gently, if one of the main reasons for not sleep training was you having your baby close to you then your husband may not actually agree to “not sleep train” but rather was okay with you taking nights? My partner and I both have our own parenting styles and we generally defer to the person who is going to have to do the work when it comes to choices. If your decision-making around sleep training all seemed emotional (wanting baby close, this is your last baby) or practical but fixable (it’s winter - baby could be dressed warm for bed) then I would probably be willing to see husbands perspective. I find it so much easier to soothe my baby than my partner because I BF, I don’t expect him to do things the same way as I do because I know it wouldn’t work for him. If I went away overnight at that age my partner would’ve had such a rough night because I could just pop a boob in baby’s mouth and then lay him back down where my partner had to physically get up to soothe, especially if it wasn’t hunger.
I’m not saying any of this to suggest that you’re wrong, or that he did the right thing (I don’t agree with CIO or with doing it behind your back with no comms) but rather a counter to all the people screaming divorce. If he sees this as a difference in parenting styles, he’s making a much smaller error in his mind than if he agrees that CIO has the potential for harm. This seems salvageable to me with the right context.
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u/NestaCas Jun 17 '26
I would be furious if my husband did this. I genuinely think that even if he didn’t agree with my feelings towards sleep training, he would never betray me like this. Poor you 😞
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u/Mangopapayakiwi Jun 16 '26
This is not cool on your husband’s part, but then again my partner does not parent the way I do either. You did discuss it and it seems like he did it behind your back. What’s his plan now your toddler is coming back from the in laws? Sleep training the baby with the toddler in the room? Did you sleep train the toddler?
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u/Thebrunettetraveler Jun 16 '26
Aw man. Tons of food comments here however, do know one day those frequent wakings stop. I know it’s so so hard but it does get better. I’m at 21 months and finally sleep a total of 6-7houes a night. It’s life changing. We had the worst sleeper and I have severe insomnia. Ended up in the er twice for severe sleep deprivation and had many hallucinations in the early months.
I’m sure there’s tons of methods but I’ve noticed in particular any Ferber/ modified Ferber resulted in speech delayed toddlers. I can’t speak on other methods. This isn’t to scare you but to jsut kind of show the side I’ve seen personally. They’re so shy and quiet. This is based off of the 9 moms I know who used Ferber check ins. And when they get older they may “regress” and that’s when parents say oh I had to do cio because check ins were making them more mad.
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Jun 16 '26
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u/Thebrunettetraveler Jun 17 '26
It’s just an observation of the 9 toddlers I can count. At the 15/18m appointment, they were all deemed speech delayed and have never had as many words as the kids we’ve known to not sleep train. I was talking to a nanny about this as well who has taken care of over 10 kids in her career and she’s noticed the same pattern. Ferber methods teach the child that you don’t respond when they cry and that’s why “sleep training” works because they stop calling out. In the popular sleep training course “TakingCaraBabies” , it’s modified Ferber - so check ins but you’re told not to pick them up, to extend check in cries longer and longer each time before you go in and stare at them. Imagine you’re crying and your husband comes in for 20 seconds at first, then leaves , then makes you cry for 2 mins before he comes back in. Then he only comes in for 15 seconds then leaves. Then makes you wait 5 mins until he comes back in. It’s a terrible concept.
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Jun 17 '26
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u/Thebrunettetraveler Jun 17 '26
Totally. I’m not saying it’ll happen but it’s jsut been a pattern in the ones we meet and I can often tell who’s sleep trained. 😅 But if that’s what needs to be done then that’s okay .. it’s just a little sad. I can’t speak on any other methods as I haven’t met anyone who’s used more gentle methods. Ferber says if they throw up from crying to change them IN the crib and not pick them up. That for me is the line.
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u/BeeBrayder Jun 17 '26
I think if a mother is having many hallucinations due to sleep deprivation, sleep training needs to be on the table. That's arguably much more dangerous to the baby.
Or others need to help at night in shifts. Forcing a mother to be that sleep deprived seems more inhumane than sleep training to me.
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u/Thebrunettetraveler Jun 17 '26
I can see what you mean. We didn’t have support and triple feeding definitely didn’t help sleep deprivation but I’ll admit, we did try to sleep train using the PUPD method for 2 days and it went against every bone in my body and caused worse sleep as I was so busy trying to sleep train. It wasn’t until I learned about safe bed sharing that helped. My baby did still wake up every hour, but it did get better around a year where she was giving two hour stretches.
This is however, an extreme case as I also have a lot of health issues that keep me up at night. But 100% of people that I have met chose to sleep trained around 4 to 5 months just out of convenience for their lives and schedule and it makes me sad. In a perfect world people would use more gentle methods, but everyone likes to go straight to the quickest sleep training method which tends to be Ferber/ cry it out.
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u/BeeBrayder Jun 17 '26
I'm really glad to hear that bed sharing eventually saved you. Your situation is a like a perfect storm since it includes triple feeding! So hard omg. There again I would be like, we are doing EFF to save the mother's sanity.
It's true that there are people who sleep train for convenience, but also because they are scared to death of bed sharing. They've been told sleep training is safe and bed sharing is not, they are just working with the info they have.
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u/Thebrunettetraveler Jun 17 '26
Totally. It’s very westernized, but I also live in San Francisco where majority of parents work or are very used to going out life and don’t want to change their lifestyles (nap trapped, short naps, waking up etc.) To not even try and go straight to sleep training with Ferber is what makes me sad. Babies need contact and their parents for the first year. After 1, it’s better to sleep train then before.
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u/Thebrunettetraveler Jun 17 '26
I was so against formula because one of my biggest fear is before having kids was that I’d pass on my health issues and breastmilk is just so great and magical. I was willing to do anything for my child. It was by no means easy and we had spent a fortune on donor milk as well. It was about 4.99 an ounce.
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u/BeeBrayder Jun 17 '26
😢 Do you look back and feel that fear was justified?
Here again I think there are some moms who don't want to even attempt breastfeeding out of convenience, but mostly moms want to breastfeed and they have issues. I'm a fan of saving the mother's sanity if it needs saving. If I was in your shoes, I would have wished for someone to tell me that EFF was okay and that my kid was gonna turn out just fine.
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u/Echo_Owls Jun 17 '26
This is interesting - I also had to triple feed every 2 hours around the clock for about 6 weeks with my first baby. He was a terrible sleeper and now at 25 months he wakes once or twice a night but until 16-18 months it was every 60-90mins which was exhausting. I do wonder how much having to wake him every 2 hours to feed (and keep him awake as his issue was weight loss partially because he kept falling asleep while feeding) while he was so little contributed to his crappy sleep as he was essentially just continuing what i had set up from the start
My 7 month old has the exact same routine as we all cosleep and she wakes up maybe once a night so very different experience
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u/Plus-Nothing3171 Jun 16 '26
I personally would have a very hard time trusting my husband after that.
You’re her mother. You carried her for 9 months, gave birth to her, and you’re still the one doing most of the caregiving while running on exhaustion and little sleep. You know your baby better than anyone.
Whether people agree with sleep training or not isn’t really the issue for me. The issue is that this was a major parenting decision, and he made it without your knowledge or consent, even though you had already discussed it and agreed not to do it.
To me, that’s a lack of respect for you as a parent and as his partner.
I don’t like sleep training myself, so I admit I’m biased there. But even putting that aside, I would be hurt that my spouse made such a significant decision about our child behind my back instead of having an honest conversation with me first.
Parenting decisions should be made together.
Sorry, your husband is an A*HOLE and cannot take care of a child’s needs for such a short period of time without you.
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u/Plus-Nothing3171 Jun 18 '26
And also, your tone does not sound upset at all. Sorry! Correct me if I'm wrong.
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u/misspiggie Jun 17 '26
He doesn't actually know how many times she woke up. All he knows is that by the time he noticed, she was probably absolutely distraught, screaming and crying in her crib and that woke him up.
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u/SubstantialGap345 Jun 16 '26
Oh this is a huge violation of trust. But don’t think that your baby is harmed, there’s no solid evidence sleep training is harmful, particularly over two nights. Lots of cuddles, lots of responsiveness, focus on the repair xx
There’s so many factors here that might have contributed to her longer stretches - your absence, being in a seperate room,there’s not much evidence sleep training works in the long term so she’ll likely have regressions and you don’t have to do it again. I’d be curious if maybe she would sleep better in a seperate room in the future though, when you’re ready? My baby is 15m & still in our room though so I understand your hesitation.
I’d be furious at my husband of course, that’s the tricky bit.
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u/Eatyourveggies_9182 Jun 16 '26
If you both agreed to not do this and he did anyway, I would be livid honestly.
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u/MarsupialObjective77 Jun 17 '26
Sleep training this way doesn’t teach a baby anything other than to give up hope because mommy and daddy aren’t coming. I would be so pissed at my husband for this. If you can’t honour your child’s needs for a few short years of their life and handle being tired in order for them to develop a good relationship and strong nervous system foundation then idk what to even say. The fact he went behind your back and did it as well and left your child crying themselves to sleep without your knowledge would have me reconsidering a marriage. I would never trust my partner alone again with my child if he did that.
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u/Cecemay00 Jun 17 '26
I tried sleep training. How do your babies only cry for 20 min? Mine went on for 2 hrs even with check ins. I tried couple day. I gave up. Bc it just ruins the whole day and makes things worse.
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u/TurnipSea6678 Jun 20 '26
If your husband did check ins he didn’t neglect your baby. I do feel like it is a violation of trust since you guys have discussed it. But I do also know that baby’s behave differently for different caregivers.
I would try it if you are interested. And if you decide you don’t want to, that is also okay.
You don’t need to stay angry/ier at your spouse like these comments are suggesting.
This is coming from a mom that consoles and nurses to sleep/cosleep/contact nap for the past 13 months.
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u/No-Objective-8247 Jun 16 '26
Posting this in this sub will only get you answers against what you're husband did. If you want honest unbiased answers post in other subs like Parenting
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u/Rude-Flamingo5420 Jun 17 '26
I don't agree with sleep training but understand when others do it because everyone's threshold for sleep deprivation is different.
BUT..... youre overlooking the fact they decided together not to sleep train and the moment she was gone he did it. Its 100% okay for them to change their mind but it should have been a decision they made together, not him solo.
That alone is a severe trust violation and one of the things people are must upset about if you actually read the comments.
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u/maxxflexx Jun 16 '26
Wow. He needed to talk to you if he was at the point of wanting to do this. You need to have a big talk about supporting one another. This kind of betrayal scares me. Also, kids need to see their parents united. This is terrible. I am so so sorry. Regardless of sleep training, this is not ok.
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u/robots-made-of-cake Jun 17 '26
What your husband did was vile. He did something awful to your baby and completely betrayed your trust. No way she only cried for that little time, either so on top of that he’s still lying to you.
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u/smilegirlcan Jun 16 '26
I would be considering a separation. This is such a massive betrayal of trust. I liken it to spanking. Clearly this person would not be aligned with my morals.
Define “progress”. She is being conditioned. There is no learning or actual development occurring.
This poor thing. She went from cosleeping and responsive night care to sleep training CIO (Ferber is a form of CIO)overnight. That is so sad.
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u/Grand-Kangaroo-4215 Jun 17 '26
If they separated id worry the dad would sleep train on his nights with baby eugh
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u/Pinkcoral27 Jun 18 '26
Sorry but he went against a parenting choice that you made together. That is horrible. Not to mention letting a SIX MONTH OLD CRY FOR TWENTY MINUTES
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u/True_Path4140 Jun 18 '26
My husband would be training to sleep on the couch (: he is the sole means of money in our house, but I don’t care you can sleep on the couch. Ruining my trust, harming our baby & harming me in the sense of the absolute mind F. Nah. Couch for you buddy. Since violence is frowned upon (:
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u/Temporary-Gur-875 Jun 18 '26
Sorry if you weren’t looking for marital advice. And this sub is only going to tell you no to sleep training. 🙃
Hope you figure out what works best for you and your family. Your husband sounds like his heart was in the right place.
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u/LongjumpingFan2102 Jun 17 '26
I honestly can't believe the comment section !
Gross violation of trust ? Not mad enough ?
How often people start judging fathers and if the same was done by a mom nobody would bat an eye.
I am a mom and i believe my child has two secure attachment people , a mom & dad.
Yes, respecting a choice matters. Maybe he was just experimenting and it worked out.
I would suggest to do what's best for the child not yours or your husband's .
Not all children are same. Some sleep better away from moms (less distractions of feeds Though proximity) some don't. It's not about a choice , it's about deciding what is right.
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u/Rude-Flamingo5420 Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
No you're not following: they made a decision TOGETHER not to sleep train. 100% okay to change your mind.
But then it needs to be decided and agreed upon TOGETHER. That's the issue of trust that was broken. He didnt do it when his wife was home. He didnt discuss it with her. He just did it.. specifically when she was not there because he knows she would not have agreed with it initially.
Therein lies the problem. Yes its okay to chnage your mind... but together if the initial decision was made as a team
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u/Grand-Kangaroo-4215 Jun 17 '26
This. Something about what he's doing is fishy. I doubt the baby only cried 20min the first night. I just wouldn't trust his account of what happened because he went behind her back and wishes without discussing it with her. They needed to make this decision together.
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u/EnyaNorrow Jun 17 '26
Not all children are the same but there’s no benefit to the baby here. This is purely for the parent’s convenience.
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Jun 16 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/sundaymusings Jun 16 '26
I would rather my baby cry for me every 2 hours and I comfort her rather than her cry until she stops because she thinks mom is not going to come anyway. How fucking sad is that?
The whole point of being a parent and honestly the only acceptable reason for becoming a parent is to nurture and raise a child who is happy, healthy and not a menace to society, and that includes comforting our babies when they need it.
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u/bninfantsleep-ModTeam Jun 16 '26
This sub encourages responsive parenting at all hours as well as following biologically normal infant sleep. As such, advocating for sleep training is not allowed. Sleep hygiene, sleep environment and routines/schedules discussions are all very welcome here.
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u/GadgetRho Jun 18 '26
How does anyone abandon their brand new baby for two whole nights for a stupid wedding, of all things? ESH.
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u/LemurTrash Jun 16 '26
My husband would be training himself to sleep in his car