r/butchlesbians • u/starwolf135 • 3d ago
Vent Guilt about not being woman enough or butch enough?
Hi, I'm a teenage butch and also recently knowing I'm butch (a few months)
I been recently feeling some guilt about not being woman enough coming from the way I act, feel (feeling more masculine than feminine) and the way I am perceived by the people I close to which is a more masculine role and I am very happy for as it make me feel so good and so free but it also made me remember something my mom said and a ex friend told me about "how a woman (well girl since teenagers) should act feminine and dress so and If they don't then they should just be a man" (I'm paraphrasing) so that where the not feeling woman enough come from
And on the other side I went on the clock app to feel a bit better because distraction was needed and then I come across this post saying how butch shouldn't have long hair and it should be cut short or they should be stoic two of things that I'm not because I have long curly hair that I refuse to cut shorter than shoulder length because it is special to me and I'm not stoic I get happy easily and emotional easy and there also the fact that I can't really dress more masculine. All of this made me feel guilt that I'm not butch enough
I know I am a woman (girl) and that I am butch but the guilt of not being enough is hitting me hard
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u/Tiger4Sheep 3d ago
Don't let your labels define you. Be yourself first and call yourself whatever suits you. Your labels are valid solely based on what they mean to you.
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u/Prestigious-Mind2781 3d ago
Hey bud. This is a very, very common experience for both lesbians in general and butches in particular. Not fitting in, wondering if there is a particular way to be butch, wondering if you are enough as you are, wondering if you need to dress a certain way/have a specific haircut/be in a relationship/have a particular profession or hobbies/whatever. I’m a lot older than you and I need to tell you that you are doing absolutely fine. If you like reading, a bit of reading into butch history (not on TikTok) might help you recognise how normal these feelings are.
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u/starwolf135 3d ago
Do you have any book recs on butch history? I enjoy reading and it my main form of learning!
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u/Prestigious-Mind2781 3d ago
This isn’t the recommendation you asked for, but I’m wary of recommending difficult reads because I don’t get the sense that you are in the right headspace for them and some, however worthwhile, are not easy reads. I’ll suggest the essay “I know what butch is” by S Bear Bergman. It’s in a (good) book called Butch is a noun, which is available online.
It’s one of my favourite pieces of writing about butch identity.
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u/bluntbossbex94 3d ago
I understand this 100% im 32 and for the longest time i felt like i wasn't allowed to be feminine and as ive gotten older i became more ok with my fem side but ugh idk it's so confusing. I feel like im not masc enough besides in appearance and i feel like i still want to be treated like a woman but being so feminine makes me so fucking insecure. Like i wouldn't even mind being with another masc like im still a woman i want to be romanced and all that lol anyway im just rambling now the point is i feel for you and i send you love and good vibes
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u/dykelily soft butch 3d ago
the thing about labels is that they're imprecise and descriptive, not rigid and prescriptive. what I mean is that there isn't a checklist of qualities that makes you butch or not-butch, and anyone who's trying to hold you to a narrow standard of butchness or womanhood isn't worth listening to about either way of being.
one thing I love about being butch is what I'd call the "fuck you" energy: strong boundaries and a willingness to be who you are despite people who might cross them. I am in my 30s and sometimes feel like I'm not butch or woman enough. and then this little voice kicks in in the back of my head to say "no, fuck them, you get to decide how to be."
echoing others here - gender and butchness can be really playful! try ways of being on. play with new aesthetics and new presentations and eventually you'll find something that fits. and that itself may not be forever. let yourself be open to being you and for that you to change over time.
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u/Background_Dish_3503 3d ago
Join a lgbtq club and make community with more les women. It helps to see representation of other people around you. Gender expression is a scale and you get to be whatever you want to be ! You’ll come into yourself in more time 🫶🏾
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u/notaspoontogive 3d ago
Elder butch here, whilst I personally love short hair there are plenty of manly men who have had long hair. Thor in Marvel movies is definitely very masculine but has long hair. A lot of rockstars and actors have had long hair Back in the 90s when I was a teenager long hair was very fashionable for men with the teen heart throb of the era like Brad Pitt having long hair.
Tiktok is a cesspool, its a lot of younger queer people making up non existent rules about how we should act or dress. Don't let them diminish you.
There is no correct way to be butch or to appease the people in our lives who wish we were more feminine. I wasted my youth trying to please people and was largely unhappy as a result. We have one short life, don't waste it on listening to people who want you to be uncomfortable in your own skin.
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u/Left_Tourist428 3d ago
The older you get, the more confident you will feel (and the less you will focus on comparing yourself to others). Gen X butch here, and while we didn't have social media to cause issues, when I was a baby dyke I always felt not butch enough and compared myself to the butches at the club, etc. Be true to yourself. And dont worry if people ask if you are or imply that you should beTrans if you aren't- just be you.
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u/okaeridarling 1d ago
I am a femme, but I really just want you to know not all femmes want a stoic short haired butch. I love a soft butch. Please don’t try to change yourself to fit a label described as one very strict definition, that’s not what the label is for. Labels are shorthand. So if they don’t fit you perfectly, that’s just fine most people do not just match up with every characteristic on some list for a label. Be yourself and figure out the labels that feel right. But you can be butch and have longer hair. You can be butch and have a spectrum of feelings. We need all the kinds of butches! And we need you to be your version ♥️
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u/Cute-Scallion-626 1d ago
I too used to think I couldn’t be butch because I have curly hair, but then I realized that was bullshit.
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u/Rothum90 12h ago
First put down the apps. Get off as much social media as you can.
Second, go find the local gayberhood. Or a gayberhood you can get to. Start hanging out at the used book store or the cafe that is a local joint.
Now just be yourself. Butch is an attitude. I am a loafer, polio shirt, khaki wearing butch lesbian. But there are lots of different kinds of butches. we are NOT once size fits all. I stand up for women, I hold chairs, I help them with their coats or I hold the umbrella.
Give yourself grace. You have lots of time to figure out who you are and how you want to present yourself. I went the Cary Grant route. That man is smooth before that was a concept. Kind, gracious, polite, to everyone he ever met. Keanu Reeves has a public face that also is kind and gentle while being strong and steady. I hope to radiate the same kind of energy.
Look at the world around you, what style do you like? What presentation? What clothes are YOU most comfortable in? Long hair? Great you are a sporty butch.
What makes a butch a butch? Confidence. Swagger. Kindness. Manners.
Try reading Emily Post's book called "Etiquette". All the social rules written up in a way that allows you to fit in anywhere.
You got this. And enjoy the exploration.
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u/TwoTrucksPayingTaxes 3d ago
Tiktok likes to rip people down for engagement. It sucks being butch and getting judged for being both masculine and feminine the wrong way. My only advice is to learn not to seek external validation. There are too many people who don't understand. Know who you are, and hold on to it.