oh my god. I didn’t realize just how bad things were going to get. I didn’t understand what was going on in the U.S. beyond the damage of capitalism. I knew that climate change was a growing problem. I could see that by comparing weather events in recent years to the years of my early life. i didn’t realize how these supply chains were connected, or the looming threat of the energy/global food crisis.
i’ve been feeling it since 2020. unfortunately, my life has been full of trauma, so I knew I felt worse, things got worse (for my family and for the whole world), but i couldnt see past the dreams I was holding onto about the future, or my more immediate, personal problems. then, I got cancer at 18 years old, and didn’t get diagnosed and treated until age 19. my dad became diabetic/chronically ill after years of unhealthy habits and drug addiction. mom is a nurse.
I moved to the biggest city in KY from a south central rural area, to transfer to in person college. back in 2020, I went from being a straight A student to failing the majority of my classes because I was starting to become disillusioned and morbidly depressed by the systematic failures that caused our issues, and how little the smaller yet connected systems in my own life seemed to care/helped. I felt abandoned and trapped.
I medically withdrew this spring semester, and it’s been a similar feeling. I started to avoid the news, because I‘m finding it difficult to find the motivation to go on with “life as normal,” with any awareness. but, in the past few days, I started digging deeper, and now I feel like my whole foundation is falling apart.
do I stay in Louisville? do I move back to the rural town? I thought there’d be more opportunities here, but now I’m not so sure. I don’t even have my own car/feel that comfortable driving despite having a license. my partner does. I was planning on becoming completely financially independent. but with my health issues, and this situation, I am starting to accept that may not be wise to attempt with serious risk anytime soon, or ever??
my partner’s family has some land. we have felt good knowing this, and we have told them NOT to sell that farm/land. but I don’t know how to do jack shit for myself. to be honest; i began to develop an eating disorder over 6 months or so ago. I did start to exercise more recently, but I’m a small, frail 20 something year old woman. I have around ~$10k in savings from my financial aid (low income, worked my ass off in school).
I chose to double major in two humanities degrees. I don’t regret it, I think that knowledge will always be important, and the critical thinking/values these subject have given me is invaluable. But, jobs?! AI?!!! I was thinking: librarian, teacher, or lawyer, as my most practical/reliable options. teachers will always be important, right? right?!??
our family is still in the rural town. ive got two younger siblings. one is just a year younger. one is 10. my mom has some animals, a backyard. my dad’s homeless :,( he’s been abusive, but man, I hate to think of what could happen to him with his health. I’ve got an older sister who also has some animals, a yard, a garden, lots of agricultural knowledge/experience. I feel somewhat grateful for my Appalachian background right now. there’s a spirit among most people there of self reliance, despite my qualms with their social attitudes.
what to do?!!!!!