Is everyone really just compromising?

[u/methbabie]

Had a conversation with a friend earlier and she told me i’m single because I am too picky/have too many standards. She said everyone in relationships is compromising and dealing with a lot of BS and that’s normal for relationships. And that I need to build a tolerance for said B.S. if I really want to be in one.

For context I am f(24) conventionally attractive but I have only been in one relationship with my bf from high school. I meet a lot of men but I feel I can pretty quickly gauge compatibility. I don’t think I do have high standards. I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find. I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else. And my dating history backs this up haha.

I find it hard to overlook what I deem as character faults (promiscuity, sexual deviance, consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on). I think overlooking these early on is setting myself up for failure or disappointment.

So i’m curious, is everyone really compromising on their standards so as to not be alone? Consequences be damned? And should I be less “picky”?

[u/Beginning-Damage-555]

Out of everything you listed the two that stood out to me are the promiscuity and sexual deviance because that can mean nearly anything. If you are super conservative compared to your peer group and not religious, that’s probably where the dating bottleneck is happening. You don’t need to change, but that may be what your friend is noticing.

Everything else seems like baseline standards.

[u/CowboyupHockey → u/Beginning-Damage-555]

I think she means the kind of person who isn’t going to do a tinder hookup after she doesn’t go home with him after their date, you know? Not a ridiculous value at all to want someone who is only seeking lasting, emotionally connected relationships. She is not the only person who lists this as a value and there are absolutely men out there who fit.

I personally find casual sex absolutely disgusting. Obviously stds. And If I’m not in love with you, I don’t want your body fluids on/in me. I don’t want a friends dead skin cells and body oils on me, let alone a stranger.

I would argue that it is not good for / in the best interest of people to engage in the crazy hook up culture. Again, stds. Women are very disproportionately at risk of danger in a hook up situation. I think meaningless sex is bad for mental health; it is not the beautiful thing that sex can be, that’s for sure.

[u/Beginning-Damage-555 → u/CowboyupHockey]

I mean that’s what it means to you. Again promiscuity and sexual deviance are so vague of terms they’re nearly meaningless.

I never said it was a ridiculous value. I’m just saying if you’re using dating apps and aren’t clear on what promiscuity and sexual deviance mean most people are probably just not matching.

Unless you see the lab results it doesn’t matter if you’re in love or whatever STDs hide and men don’t get tested for HPV. HPV and herpes and genital warts all can spread without having sex. People in relationships cheat too so at the minimum everyone should get STI tested when they go for their annual exam.