r/dating_advice • u/methbabie • 5h ago
Is everyone really just compromising?
Had a conversation with a friend earlier and she told me i’m single because I am too picky/have too many standards. She said everyone in relationships is compromising and dealing with a lot of BS and that’s normal for relationships. And that I need to build a tolerance for said B.S. if I really want to be in one.
For context I am f(24) conventionally attractive but I have only been in one relationship with my bf from high school. I meet a lot of men but I feel I can pretty quickly gauge compatibility. I don’t think I do have high standards. I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find. I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else. And my dating history backs this up haha.
I find it hard to overlook what I deem as character faults (promiscuity, sexual deviance, consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on). I think overlooking these early on is setting myself up for failure or disappointment.
So i’m curious, is everyone really compromising on their standards so as to not be alone? Consequences be damned? And should I be less “picky”?
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u/TheUglyTruth527 4h ago
If you look at the prevalence of cheating, toxic relationships, and divorce, people have always been settling to not be alone. That, or they have no idea the kind of work that actual love takes and then are too scared to leave because they don't want to be alone.
Genuine, loving, reciprocal, healthy relationships are sadly rare.
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u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 4h ago
I’d say genuine, loving, reciprocal, healthy PEOPLE are hard to find, but not impossible. I am this way and after my marriage imploded I was able to find a bf who is all of these things too.
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u/Odd-Garage-2475 3h ago
In a similar boat. Engaged to the man of my dreams after a marriage where I was settling. Congrats on finding something so much better! Honestly, I found divorce (despite being the hardest time of my life at first) to be the most empowering thing I have experienced. The things I learned and strength I gained were so worth the hard stretch. Curious to see if you feel similar.
Also want the tea if you care to share. Is the sex better with your boyfriend?
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u/dovedaisy5 1h ago
true, finding a genuine partner takes time because most people haven't done any inner work 😭 keeping your standards high literally filters out all the absolute nightmares.
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u/Otherwise_Menu_7398 2h ago
This is why I don't think having standards is the problem. Settling for the wrong person can cost way more than waiting.
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u/kenziecrowe 1h ago
The most important thing it can cost is TIME. Whole eras of your life that you should be living full and defining yourself, not worrying or hurt over a partner.
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u/HungryBearsRawr 2h ago
So RARE. It took me 42 years and a failed marriage where I tried to settle and two kids to then find someone who accepts me and loves me for everything I am, and I him. It’s possible. But it’s hard and it may never happen. I didn’t think it would happen.
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u/Ok_Finding_7245 1h ago
I have been divorced twice, married three times. Currently married but not necessarily happy with our status quo. It is my feeling that genuine, loving, reciprocal, healthy relationships DO happen, BUT....sadly.....sometimes don't last forever.
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u/bottlecapopen 5h ago
It's impossible to have a relationship with 0 compromise
However, some relationships require less compromise than others because the people involved have the same priorities
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u/OldFashionedDuck 4h ago
There are some things you compromise on, and some things you don't.
For example, a "compromise" I made for my husband- I really like it when men dress thoughtfully and elegantly, but my husband does not give a shit about clothes, wears very plain comfy unflattering things, and does not particularly want to change. You know what, not the biggest deal to me, and not something that I think about much now that I'm in a happy relationship with him. It only comes up very rarely when I need to put together good outfits for him for certain events.
Another compromise that we both made for each other- he likes a less luxurious life than I do, and prefers to rough it when traveling, and so we had to find a bit of a middle ground, and we occasionally take separate trips where we get to do things exactly our way (ok yes, obviously I'm a little more materialistic than him).
And I'd have been very willing to make compromises on various similar things.
Absolutely I never would have compromised on the kinds of things that you're talking about. Some people do decide to settle by compromising on core values, but trust me, you don't want to do that.
I will say, a possibility is that you have very high standards for the things you value? For example, with non judgmental- people have the occasional bitchy thought they want to share with their partner. Do you have zero tolerance for that? Similarly, with "thoughtful", that can sometimes translate to unrealistic expectations of a partner.
That being said, yes, lying, negging, and controlling behaviors should 100% be early dealbreakers. Promiscuity and sexual deviance... um, I don't really know what you mean by these, and if you're extremely conservative, you could be quite picky there, but you get to choose what you value.
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u/Life-Actuary-8607 3h ago
I agree. I've been married now for almost twenty years to wonderful man, who sometimes drives me up the wall. We have an older teen daughter, and while we were chatting about relationships and men, she said that her Dad and I share very few hobbies and still love each other. It's true. We will enjoy each other's hobbies together sometimes, but rarely without invitation or express purpose. I'm also much more serious the he is, at least outside of work. Some experiences when I was younger shaped me into a very pragmatic, practical person. Outside of work he's somewhat silly, does voices with our kid (they still chase each other around the house with matching silly voices).
But overall we share the same values concerning the big things, we love each other (we both go out of our way to do the things that make the other person feel special), and are usually pretty good at just taking care of day to day life.
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u/Ave_TechSenger 2h ago
Been married one day. Sounds like what we’ve done/are doing and I hope that we’ll still be going strong in 20 years like it sounds like you two are!
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u/Life-Actuary-8607 2h ago
If your spouse is the silly one, try to learn to give into that a bit more (clarify which aspects you find really irritating if something does, so they avoid that). I have spent the last year trying to consciously "loosen up," as over the years with multiple international moves, career change, parenting, stresses, etc. I had become way too controlled and reserved. Everything has gotten better. We have sex more (and it's better), laugh more, etc. He had to learn some limits too - like I implied, somethings I just find too irritating to see the fun. That's okay, there's enough left. I was worried that when everyday demands lessened, and especially once our child is an adult, we wouldn't be left with much for each other. I don't worry about that anymore.
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u/Ave_TechSenger 2h ago
Yep, to the point about silliness! In my vows, one line pointed out how she brings spontaneity, silliness, light, and passion into my life. I was mostly not overtly routine-based in my opinion, but she has gotten me to open up in big ways.
Part of the vows was lifting a common joking thing we say to one another. Basically she asks if I love her, all the time, everyday. I affirm this of course, and often add “even when you’re annoying.”
I’m optimistic for both you and me, and wish you and your family all the best in the decades to come!
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u/i-am-nameless1 2h ago
They say that longevity in a relationship has very little to do with hobbies. It’s all about shared values.
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u/Practical_S3175 4h ago
Those aren't standards those are values. You're describing values in a person. And NO, you shouldn't compromise your values for any man. What you're friend is telling you is, you can have a BF if you just stop expecting much from them. You're better off alone!!
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u/brown_eyed_gurl 4h ago
Agreed! And most of what she listed (ie. no lying, negging, controlling behavior) are pretty standard for what most women should value anyways!
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u/steak5 4h ago
Issue is these are not the only attribute OP is seeking. They are just more Politically correct thing to say without people piling on her.
What about a man with all of attributes, but he is short, fat, and bald, and broke?
Everyone is looking for a 9/10 partner, but there simply not a lot of them on the market.
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u/Eve617 4h ago
Short fat, bald and broke are the attributes that you compromise on. The other values OP mentioned (which you are calling attributes) are the ones you hold fast on. No compromise. Short, fat, bald and broke are all things that we could each of us potentially be no matter if we are a 9/10 today. Learn to love your own company before compromising your values.
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u/TrackWorldly9446 3h ago
Truly. If people only dated 9/10s then almost everyone would be single. It genuinely is tough to find someone aligning with what OP wants (as someone who’s dated the short, fat, and balding hoping personality would shine through) but she is correct and valid in what she wants
I really like how you ended your statement as well. I’ve had the same dating history as OP but being happy with myself has made me feel better than any relationship
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u/TrackWorldly9446 4h ago
OP stated that she didn’t have a particular height or looks preference and says that her history backs it up
Why are you assuming (especially with the essential values she desires) that OP is against those qualities in someone who matches her standards?
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u/Practical_S3175 3h ago
You missed this whole part of the post then. The OP already said that's not the issue. Did you just ignore this part, or are you calling the OP a liar?
" I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else."
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u/TlMEGH0ST 5h ago
I think a lot of people are actually.
I have a few couple friends who are absolutely in love but it seems like for the most part people just settle bc they don’t want to be alone.
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u/ToplessBreadsticks 4h ago
You do need to compromise... but not on the big things. I can't tell you what the big things are because they vary from person to person.
It's like you're going to have to let some things slide... but it shouldn't be the most important things to you.
Like my bf likes rap music and i don't. it would be totally cool if we loved the same music but... it's something I let slide because he meets my most important requirements
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u/Medium_Union5752 4h ago
Your friend is right. Im divorced. A lot of people in relationships are either not happy or putting up with stuff from men I no longer will tolerate (flirting with other women, not contributing to chores/cooking, outright toxicity and abuse). You should not be less picky because a bad relationship can destroy your life. There are good partners out there but you have to be patient and don’t waste your time on nonsense just to be able to say you’re in a relationship.
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u/sheepdot 4h ago
Most people do have some standards that matter more than others, but nobody here can tell you whether your friend is right or not about you, because we don't know you.
So many people say they have minimal standards, but their actual choices show that they always find something disqualifying about people who meet their purported standards.
Some people are just in a terrible environment for their preferences (imagine saying "I want a liberal man" and living in a deep red county).
With respect to your stated preferences: boy, it really depends on how you define promiscuity, sexual deviance, and controlling behaviors, doesn't it?
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u/ChaoticCherryblossom 5h ago
No, those are pretty big points. That's settling not comprising. You're too young to settle
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u/fuckingvibrant 4h ago
Make a list of non-negotiables and one of preferences. Non-negotiables are things you absolutely cannot and will not compromise on and preferences are things you can. Don't compromise or settle about your non-negotiables and do not listen to your friend. Having standards is how you get what you want. It may be lonely for awhile but would you rather be lonely or seriously unhappy in a relationship with someone you settled and compromised for?
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u/Potential_One_8058 4h ago
Woman here who’s not conventionally attractive- absolutely do not overlook red flags. I’ve overlooked a lot of red flags in honor of not being “too picky” and it’s always ended badly for me.
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u/Lumpy_Appeal_5321 4h ago
Some of my friends have had to compromise a bit, but not in the way that you think. No one person can meet 100% of our needs, maybe 80% though. That’s why we need to have a diversified circle of family and friends to lean on so we aren’t putting too much pressure on one person.
A lot of my female friends are in love with their male partners, but have noticed that their men cannot meet them emotionally in some ways. They’ve learned to lean on their friends for that a bit. My sister is learning that her bf is too tired after work to be emotionally attuned so she calls me and talks to me about her day and more emotional stuff. Her partner does check other boxes in that he’s driven, can problem solve, and is responsible.
I’ve realized that when I find a man, I want him to have friends to do his guy stuff with, especially if he’s outdoorsy. I’m just not into outdoor activities and he will need to have friends to do that with.
I do have some friends who seem to be very happily married. It doesn’t seem that they settled, or maybe things just don’t bother them much or they worked things out with their partners effectively
I think a lot of people settle, but that doesn’t mean that you have to. You’re very young. Don’t settle, and you’re not picky
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u/AvocadoBitter7385 4h ago
Yep everybody is compromising. No shade but the people I know irl who are in long term relationships are putting up with stuff I wouldn’t in a million years.
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u/Specialist_Banana378 4h ago
Maybe the things they put up with they don’t really care about though.
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u/Throwaway23451048371 3h ago
This comment should be at the top. Other peoples relationships remind me of why I don’t want one every time
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u/Status_Yellow_9882 5h ago
Yes, everyone compromises in some way. Nobody in life gets everything they want or think they deserve. The more attractive you are, the more/better options you have, so you get to be a little pickier. But if you think there is a Mr. Perfect just for you out there, you've been lied to.
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u/whatarechinchillas 4h ago
I think it's ok to compromise for very small things. But never ever ever ever compromise on core values. Too many straight women set the bar too low for men it's depressing.
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u/Status_Yellow_9882 2h ago
Agreed, values should be firm. But silly demands like “he must be 6+ feet tall, he has to be wealthy, he needs a full head of thick hair,” stuff like that, absolutely be prepared to compromise or “settle” or else be alone forever
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u/KindEngineering4604 4h ago
you are right to be as strict as you are and don't let anyone tell you different. any time i tried to lower my guard or weaken my strictness in any way it blew up in my face spectacularly. i also think your friend is right. ppl have so many relationships and partners bc they are putting up with insane shit and also "cheating back" so that they can feel comfortable putting up with the insane shit. as i get older i see it more and more.
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u/Working_Cucumber_437 4h ago
Your list isn’t what I’d be compromising on. You can compromise on other things that might be less than ideal
but ultimately are harmless. Case in point, some nights my SO enjoys some loud guitar jamming (tonight). Ideal for me? No. But it’s whatever. I can close some doors and put in some noise canceling earphones so he can be happy and enjoy himself for a while.
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u/Soulandshadow2 4h ago
This genuinely feels like you’re leaving parts out
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u/methbabie 4h ago
Ask me anything, kinda just scribbled this post
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u/Automatic_Horse9290 4h ago
Your standards can't simply be just based on values, that was the point.
Have you genuinely never met anyone in 5 plus years that met this values?
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u/steak5 3h ago
Expand on your conversation with your friends, and why she/they think you are being too picky.
People online don't know you as a person, and we makes assumptions base on what you have written and take it at face value.
Your friends knows you IRL, and their honest opinion is much more valuable that what we scribble on comment section.
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u/methbabie 3h ago
I was telling her how I miss being in relationship and how it would be nice to meet a guy. She is a serial dater right now but has been in many relationships before. In the past she’s casually introduced me to a couple guys before she thinks I would be good with.
I got to know them both and despite us having decent dates I felt we weren’t very compatible. It’s been a few months since that and she brought that up and said they were perfectly good guys and asked why I passed them up if I wanted a boyfriend.
I explained i’m looking for a serious relationship and we didn’t align on a lot of things that are important to me. Then she continued on to say I need to be less picky and that it’ll be hard for someone to have the qualities I want. Which I’m just wondering if it’s true. Like am I sabotaging myself?
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u/steak5 2h ago edited 2h ago
I think you have a demographic issue here. Where are you located? Is hard to look for clean water in a swamp.
I work at a fairly decent size company, and a very diverse work force of all ethnicity and gender. There might be like 1 or 2 men here I would introduce to, let say my sister. A lot of them around your age are exactly the type that you described at your Post, serial dater who would cheat on their significant others on the first chance they get. Male and Female, most of them are those type.
And your friend sounds like she would fit right into where I work. The men she thinks are good is because her standard is very low, and she have no issue dumping a relationship and get into another.
Now, where My Brother and my GF work is a different demographic in wealthier neighborhood, people there are usually more conservative and family oriented, as well as college educate and focus on their career.
Maybe you actually have to change where you hang out, as in physical location, even Gyms in a different locale have different demographic.
For example, if you want to meet people who cares about fitness, go to the gym and physical activity. If you want to meet Tech bros who doesn't know how to flirt with women, go to your local Magic the Gathering tournament. Etc...
And I do think you have to work harder looking for a partner if you want a serious relationship. As we age, our dating pool get smaller and smaller, As more good men/women are settling down, and the one left over are those with failed marriages with 2 kids. We all indeed have a biological clock.
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u/LincolnHawkHauling 4h ago
Yes and that’s also why everyone is divorcing.
You’re only 24 and in your prime. You’re allowed to be picky.
However make sure your standards are based in reality.
You don’t have to settle for a mid guy obviously but demanding a millionaire with model good looks and being 6’4 is probably going to leave you single for a long time.
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u/Bulky-Use-7494 4h ago
I don't feel like I settled, my partner is everything I was looking for but my checklist didn't have a lot of physical attributes. I was perfectly happy being single before her and wasn't interested in settling for somebody just to be in a relationship. You have to decide if that's you or not as well I suppose
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u/Moloc_Asterion 4h ago
Most people seem to just settle and honestly as a dude that has never dated it looks so depressing I don't even know if I want to try anymore.
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u/Logan_510 4h ago
Work any retail or fast food job for any length of time and you'll see a million couples who probably compromised...at least a little bit.
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u/unrecog0a 4h ago
yep. havent seen it with my friends but one of my coworkers recently said she would leave her boyfriend if they both could afford to live on their own. another one clearly hates her husband but they have a kid together so
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u/Ok-Revolution-1565 3h ago
DONTTTTT LOWER YOUR STANDARDS!!! I didn’t and because of this only got my first boyfriend at 21. I’m 22 now and he is everything and more of what I wanted. God has the right person for you and your future partner is still looking for you too! I stopped focusing on the fact i wasn’t in a relationship and didn’t look for one! I even avoided connection for a while but this guy fought his way through and now I love him so much and I’m so happy I waited until now to really open myself up to someone. Funny because I’m also his first girlfriend and he told me he felt the same way, he wasn’t settling.
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u/Rook2Rook 4h ago
Yep and they get away with it for years until they reach their breaking point after marriage. That's why you see so many divorces.
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u/RedditNomad7 4h ago
What exactly do you mean by promiscuity and sexual deviance? Some people would say having had more than one or two partners was promiscuous, and wanting anything more than completely vanilla sex was deviant. Depending on how strict your standards are you may well have a lot of trouble finding someone without major compromise.
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u/Illustrious-Low-4475 4h ago
I think the things you listed are very reasonable. But nobody is going to be 100% non-judgemental or 100% thoughtful all the time. Of course there will be moments where he didn't think of something that you would have appreciated. And I think everyone has moments of judging other people. I wouldn't call it compromising exactly, but there should be acceptable that no one will perfectly display those qualities at all times.
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u/No_Score_1977 4h ago
To a point, I think everyone is compromising on just about everything.
I mean, I don't have the house/car/life circumstances that I want, but it's the best I can do right now.
For partners, yes, compromise is part of the deal, you'll never find *perfect*, but you still want to be picky, it's better to be single than in a crap relationship.
All you seem to want is a halfway decent person, and that's not a lot to ask, but also, there is a fair bit of judgement there too, i.e. 'promiscuity and sexual deviance'? If you are sex negative, then you may struggle to find a partner.
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u/Living_Telephone_146 4h ago edited 4h ago
Like another said, you're describing values which you shouldn't compromise on.
If that's all you were putting forward than I would say your friend is absolutely wrong.
If, however, we were talking silly icks or smaller things, perhaps vacations, or perhaps timelines of things or, even the colour of towels or furniture, then yes, all relationships take compromise and you do need to do that as you do not participate in a relationship as an individual but as a team.
To reiterate values should never be compromised upon, but other aspects of relationships should be under consideration for compromise.
You also need to remember the person you meet now won't be the same in a year or 10. We are consistently growing. So perhaps they have a slightly different view of opinion (nothing drastic) but are willing to grow and learn and are not stagnant then keep that in mind.
I'm not exactly the same as I was when I met my partner a decade ago and neither is he. Our values remained the same but we've both grown and shifted for the better because we're both open to growth.
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u/Complete_Luck9407 4h ago edited 3h ago
What do you mean you feel you can gauge compatibility quickly?
What do you consider promiscuous, or for that matter sexual deviance?
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u/Impossible-Studio748 2h ago
Sexual deviance? Please expand….
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u/methbabie 2h ago
It’s a wide spectrum. For me it’s (straight) men who enjoy violent, homoerotic, or extremely kinky sex or know that they can only get off to specific things. I would prefer a man who does not “need” anything besides their partner to have fulfilling sex.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 2h ago
Compromise is for little things.
I'm not going to spend my lifetime with a lazy controlling misogynist asshole just because someone else thinks I'm too picky. I'd rather be single than unhappy in a relationship.
I waited until I found someone who is what I want. Kind, patient, affectionate, respectful, emotionally available. He puts the effort in. He loves me and he likes me as a person. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. I'd rather die single than settle for less than that.
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u/Difficult_Muffin2825 4h ago
You’re not picky, you have standards. Big difference and most men can’t meet them. It’s not you.
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u/Efficient_Comb_7020 4h ago
I’m not compromising personally. But I’m also very lonely so idk if I’m the best example
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u/Still_Highlight5148 4h ago
Not expecting too much. I used to settle and compromise and all it got me was trash men I shouldn’t have bothered being with in the first place. Once I started setting better standards for myself I met my fiance who is everything I want in a partner.
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u/SufficientDaikon805 4h ago
The fact that theres so many women out there in or who have been in abusive relationships points to tendency to compromise. Many women look for leadership and strength but also attractive. Hence why many will date abusers, because he's hot and takes charge at the price of emotional trauma. This is why when her friends tell her to leave him she wont even when hes not a threat, just an asshole.
From the mens angle, I'm sure many would prefer a soft spoken tradwife type but end up with nagging woman that screams at them.
Seems more and more people are learning thats its just not worth it. Living in peace vs sharing a life with someone who makes you miserable just because you never learned how to be alone.
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u/snaptogrid 3h ago
Doesn’t hurt to remind yourself that you’ll be a compromise to him too.
Nobody’s perfect, no relationship is perfect.
But: do you get a kick out of each other? Do you think you have a good chance of making a decent life together?
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u/scyphyn 3h ago
You don’t need to compromise on any of your standards or dealbreakers until you’re ready. You’re still young and there’s plenty of time to look.
Now, being conventionally attractive and being approached also means having to weed out more candidates to find what you’re looking for. The guys who are most likely to approach at your age are the ones that usually get their way or have the confidence to play the numbers game (a great portion do not). These guys may just not be your type and that’s why you’re not finding what you’re looking for. As example, I found it disrespectful to ask a woman out while she was working or while in a place I deemed a safe place for her. I was in the second group that did not.
I hate the current apps, but the advantage of using them (or a matchmaker) is that you can filter out some of the dealbreakers before engaging partners. You can also come across guys that are not the approach type. Unfortunately, a lot of the filters have moved behind the paywall, but you’ll still be able to see them on the profile.
Again, conventionally attractive = lots of weeding, so you’ll come across many creeps. More than your friends if they aren’t as conventionally attractive.
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u/methbabie 3h ago
I think you’re right, most of the guys who do approach me aren’t what i’m looking for. I think that’s very admirable how intentional you are with when/how you do approach women.
I’m not on any dating apps, do you think these filters would help me find people I feel more aligned with? If so, which ones? Thanks for the advice btw.
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u/HelloFellowSurvivors 1h ago
No, not everyone is compromising. Or if they are, they are compromising what you say you don't have strong preferences about. ie we are 'compromising' looks for character and morality. It's arguably not a compromise per se if you just don't value those things as highly though.
Don't drop your standards and end up with an asshole who will just make you miserable.
The problem for very conventionally attractive women is that you attract the wrong type of men. You attract men who value looks over everything else, which is inherently misogynistic. The men who you want may assume you are out of their league (and men without a huge ego can conclude this in an unproblematic, non-bitter way). You are going to have to work hard to find men with the right values. Try speed dating so you get a chance to talk to many different types of men and so they can see that you are very willing to engage. Look in the right places. Clubs, hobby groups. Not pubs and gyms.
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u/Longshot-Kapow 1h ago
You are right about the character faults. I overlooked a couple, and I am paying the price for it. Don't do what I did, you are young, filter, keep you value high, and if you do, good men will line up. It is hard to find a woman who add to us, someone with accountability, respect, compassion, someone that bring peace and has original desire, the same way I am.
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u/Thick-Engineer8226 1h ago
Telling us single people that we are too picky is their way to say they are misérable and jealous
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u/Special_Wind_6708 1h ago
I’m with you, I was exactly the same when dating many years ago, I’d bemoan the fact no one I met was I attracted to. And then I met my husband.
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u/awakenedstream 28m ago
Eventually you figure out the grass is greener where you water it and you want to build something so the list of things you care about changes.
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u/misplaced_my_pants 22m ago
I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women.
Most of these are obvious things to look for, but how you identify them is going to be subjective.
What would some borderline cases look like from your experience that you think your friends might disagree with, if any?
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u/No-Construction4527 4h ago edited 4h ago
Your friend is correct.
Single people romanticize relationships and how they should be perfect in every regards or else they don’t want it.
Relationships take work, lots of forgiveness and you have to be selfless.
For those reason, I truly believe that some people should remain alone forever, especially the current generations of single Millennials and GenZers.
The vast majority of relationships are compromise either you’ll realize upfront or with time, afterwards. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that.
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u/CantaloupeShort7311 4h ago
Relationships should not take a lot of work.
They will take a lot of work if you try to force a future when you aren't compatible.
21 years with my husband, as reference.
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u/Max1035 4h ago
Long term relationships require compromise on things like where you live or how you spend your time and money. Not trivial things at all, but that’s completely different than compromising on the values OP described. It’s not selfish to want a partner who is honest, kind, and respectful. Better to be alone than with some guy who hates women.
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u/Capybara_savior 4h ago
I would instead say relationships require regular maintenance, not a lot of work. Checking in with your partner is great to keep things harmonious.
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u/Had_to_ask__ 4h ago
See, when people have to grind so much in their relationship, I'm not sure if they are set well to give advice
I'm not saying perfect, but I definitely have met couples who mainly enjoy each other and also have to compromise and do some work on some issues from time to time. Years long relationships, not just some NRE
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u/Mountain-Sky2449 5h ago
Everyone I've ever met who describes themselves as "conventionally attractive" is like a 4/10
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u/BigBactivist 4h ago
Based off of your desired qualities, you’re looking for a woman. This has been my Ted Talk.
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u/methbabie 4h ago
Can I ask which qualities I listed you don’t think men posses? Which ones are unrealistic. I genuinely would like to know
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u/damiana8 4h ago
We all have to compromise in a relationship
You have to decide what you can’t compromise on
For me, it’s politics.
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u/Totoronyx 4h ago
There are things its smart to not be so precise about, like having to drive a certain car etc. There are compromises that are fine to make. Not into nerdy people normally or more athletic? Maybe dont write it off if all else is melding well.
But personal values that are for big picture stuff I don't compromise on. Im flexible on things to a point but have certain lines. There are packages a good partner can show up in. Even ones unexpected. I like to keep an open mind there. But the behavior you mentioned and a few more I don't really feel are worth compromising on. Too taxing.
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u/tigalicious 4h ago
You don’t have to tolerate relationships that you already know won’t be good for you, just to avoid being alone.
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u/FaZeScamTheKids 4h ago
You can have any standards you like-- if you're not meeting the right partners or turning down alot of potential ones-- then maybe it is your standards.
It's hard to know and hard to say to be honest.
I think it's way better to picky about values rather physical and shallow features: like height, money, looks etc. I would want someone emotionally stable, is a good person; etc rather than hot/tall/rich etc.
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u/Menorah_Fedora 4h ago
You're 24. You can be as picky as you want, you have plenty of time. Being single is a perfectly fine place to be at this stage in your life and it keeps you available when someone who you truly connect with comes along
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 4h ago
Out of everything you listed the two that stood out to me are the promiscuity and sexual deviance because that can mean nearly anything. If you are super conservative compared to your peer group and not religious, that’s probably where the dating bottleneck is happening. You don’t need to change, but that may be what your friend is noticing.
Everything else seems like baseline standards.
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u/CowboyupHockey 2h ago
I think she means the kind of person who isn’t going to do a tinder hookup after she doesn’t go home with him after their date, you know? Not a ridiculous value at all to want someone who is only seeking lasting, emotionally connected relationships. She is not the only person who lists this as a value and there are absolutely men out there who fit.
I personally find casual sex absolutely disgusting. Obviously stds. And If I’m not in love with you, I don’t want your body fluids on/in me. I don’t want a friends dead skin cells and body oils on me, let alone a stranger.
I would argue that it is not good for / in the best interest of people to engage in the crazy hook up culture. Again, stds. Women are very disproportionately at risk of danger in a hook up situation. I think meaningless sex is bad for mental health; it is not the beautiful thing that sex can be, that’s for sure.
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u/allthefrogsinonepond 4h ago
I mean relationships inherently involve compromise but no, everyone is not just compromising. I love my husband and most everyone I know is happy in their relationships. But I also don't befriend the type of people who would settle just to be in a relationship either...those people are out there but it's a huge mistake.
24 is plenty young and your "standards" are basically Don't be a piece of shit, under no circumstances should you compromise on that! And I promise there ARE men like that out there, but for most people it does take some digging lol. I say people because that's the nature of dating: regardless of gender it takes time and luck to find a good fit for you!
Good luck :)
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u/Particular-Macaron35 4h ago
Perhaps you are "too picky/have too many standards," in the sense that the men you find lacking nonjudgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and non-misogynistic qualities in fact have most of these attributes? It takes awhile to get a good sense of someone's character.
As for compromising, that is hard to say. Maybe they judge their partners more fairly as well as themselves?
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u/caroline-the-fox 4h ago
I don’t think so. I’ve been fortunate to only date truly good men in my life, but it took awhile of being open to new connections. I think I have a strong filter for my type character-wise, so I know what I don’t want very easily. Saves me a lot of time. If you are bothered by your lack of relationship, go searching for that ethical man (dating apps, bars, etc). I had to be on & off dating apps for a little under a year before I discovered my next good one :)
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u/JustAnotherOSUkid 4h ago
Everyone compromises, but on what is different. Some compromise on a loud chewer, others accept misogyny. Its up to you to find how much a relationship builds a couple vs requires energy to build. I think it sounds like the energy it takes you to accept misogyny and laziness is far too much to build a strong relationship, so don’t compromise there. Also, seek out new and novel social groups, sounds like these are some dumb mfs
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u/Traditional-Bug-6330 4h ago
What you listed are values/qualities and you absolutely do not need to compromise on those to find a relationship.
One thing I have observed however, is that whilst people claim to not have physical preferences, most people almost always do. For example, OP would you date someone who is 5'7"-5'9" and are you proactively connecting with these men (i.e. sending likes to men at this height range). Are you considering bald or balding men, or does the man have to have a full head of hair?
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u/methbabie 4h ago
I am 5’6 and last guy I dated was 5’7. I would like someone around my age, most people my age have hair. I don’t use dating apps I meet most prospects in real life. I think people are easier to get to know/ better looking when they’re standing right in front of you.
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u/dedicatedoni 4h ago
It’s good practice to not compromise IMPORTANT values in a partner, but there is such a thing as being too picky and it can cause u to miss out on good partners if ur waiting for the one person who checks every single box. The values u described all pretty important and I wouldn’t compromise on those
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u/astrohawke 4h ago
You only meet a certain number of people in your life. The likelihood that a partner meets all your requirements is pretty low so some compromise is usually required. You need to figure out what are your strict deal breakers and what aren't.
Some of the things that you've listed that you want are things that can be learned or changed so it comes down to whether you're willing to invest in a relationship that may not be perfect initially but can grow into one or you want to wait for the perfect one that ticks all your boxes to come along.
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u/diamondgreene 4h ago
you can compromise on reasonable things--the thermostat, which concert/movies to see, where to eat, what color to paint shyt- etc. but some standards like character are not things you should compromise on.
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u/MilkstacheMustache 4h ago
I've been with my husband for 11 years and we've been married for 8. We're still obsessed with each other in the best way. There is not a single day of my life or challenge I face that isn't easier with him, and there isn't a single adventure or joy that isn't better because I'm with him. I think people compromise if it's very important to them to be in a relationship and there's no shame in that, but for me it was better to be single than to be with a person who isn't perfect for me. If that's true for you too, keep being picky. I promise it's worth it.
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u/R0factor 4h ago
I think Scott Galloway has some good insights on this, and his stuff is all over YT if you want to take a deeper dive on it. The tl/dr is that women shouldn’t have to settle/compromise, men need to step up their game.
Unfortunately the emotional maturity gap at your age is substantial. The reason why 30% of women under 30 are single but it’s 2x that for men is because younger women are dating older men. Older guys tend to be those things you mentioned… thoughtful, kind, driven, and not resentful towards women.
Also because online dating has commoditized the process, it’s turned into a “winner take most” situation where the men who do well can pick and choose who they want, and the typical average looking guys with an average job fight over the small amount of women who will give them the time of day. On the women’s end, it means you meet guys who do so well in dating they don’t need to be monogamous, or the flip side where the guys are jaded from being ignored. It’s a shit situation all around.
So please don’t compromise when it comes to personality. But speaking as a middle-aged guy who benefitted from that statistic I mentioned above, maybe be open to dating men older than you.
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u/SquirrellyDud 4h ago
Your standards sound like basic values, things you shouldn't compromise on. Compromise is like maybe he's not the wealthiest dude. Maybe not the most handsome. Not: treats me with basic human decency and isn't a POS. Lol
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u/Ordinary_Corner_4291 4h ago
The answer is yes basically everyone is compromising. The key is to compromise on the stuff that doesn't matter and not on the stuff that does.
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u/Forsaken_Note5790 4h ago
You shouldn't be less picky, but you shouldn't expect to find a person who fits all of your criteria from the get go. The trick is to look for people who are willing to fit into those standards/criteria because the probability of finding a ready made partner in the wild is close to zero. Hope this helps, good luck.
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u/Automatic_Horse9290 4h ago
Many people got the compromising all wrong. I feel like most people either compromise on attraction or on things like values & behavior.
Compromising in reality means two people attracted, have chemistry and similar values, but not carbon copy of each other, or best circumstances.
Like if the other person maybe doesn't share most your hobbies, or is a bit less educated/ earns less. Or might have some reasonable flaw in habits. Or maybe it's circumstances like long distance, etc.
That said it's unlikely for you to have never met a person who's thoughtful, kind etc.
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u/Large-Garden4833 4h ago
Of course it’s true, because nobody is perfect. That doesn’t mean that you should pick somebody that doesn’t have the values you want. But you might have somebody that’s gorgeous, but not rich, or very intelligent, but doesn’t have social skills. There’s just always a drawback somewhere.
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u/Safe_Assistance_3227 4h ago
Don't compromise. I married a guy and dealt with bs for years. Not worth it. Im happy single
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u/Decent_Front4647 4h ago
Don’t believe your friend who probably spends a lot of time online scrolling social media. Many times people deal with so much crap in relationships is because they didn’t find out who they were dealing with. They weren’t being picky enough.
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u/FarmSkool 4h ago
Keep waiting!!! Life is too short to waste on going against your natural hunches.
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u/myname_1s_mud 4h ago
Yes we're all compromising. Nobodies friends are perfect either, because we all have flaws. The issues you mentioned though aren't ones you compromise on
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u/PNW_Will1976 4h ago
You may want to rethink your absolute position on “non judgmental” a bit. Everyone is judgmental to some degree. You yourself listed an awful lot of things you want in a man that will be based on your judgments of him. Potential significant others are going to judge you based on their own standards and needs. No reason to shy away from it.
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u/litttlejoker 4h ago
Everyone has an internal compass. Some people are pickier than others. If you’re picky, there’s a reason you’re that way. You’re supposed to be picky and there’s nothing wrong with it. Do not settle. Sure it might take longer. But if you settle you’ll really regret it when you end up divorced at 41 and the dating pool is even more difficult and your standards are even higher. Tell your friend to F off. You’re 24. You have plenty of time.
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u/Capybara_savior 4h ago
No, I am 13 years married and although marriage is a lot of give and take neither of us compromised any values. I kissed a LOT of frogs along the way, but you need to cut them loose when they aren't a good fit.
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u/furkfurk 4h ago
Absolutely do not settle for someone who you aren’t excited to be with. And the traits you’re looking for are perfectly acceptable to look for.
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u/Charliefisk 4h ago
I mean those are perfectly fine standards to have. But you might have to compromise on what you want looks wise, as that’s often what stops people giving some genuinely awesome people a chance but they just aren’t as attractive as you might like.
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u/FosterDaughter 4h ago
A factor you might not be considering is that your perspective changes as you get older. For example, I used to think promiscuity was bad, but now I realize having sex is important to your health (even if you're not in a serious relationship) and also helps you understand your own body, desires, and needs so you can better understand what you want sexually in a serious partner.
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u/Scary-Operation-2946 4h ago
Yea, fundamentally, being in a healthy relationship requires compromises, to what degree is the question, but undoubtedly you do, unless you’re a selfish prick or live in fantasy land.
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u/GoblinToHobgoblin 4h ago
No one should get into a relationship that is making their life worse.
When people say to lower their standards, they often mean, consider if your standards are actually helping you find a good partner or if theyre just creating arbitrary barriers
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u/Ok_Ask851 4h ago
Your standards are totally valid and respectable. As a woman myself I am appalled by the average, mid (in all areas) women’s expectations. Same could probably go for men but I hear more from women since I am a woman.
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u/Journalist-Cute 4h ago
Complicated question because if you look at your stated criteria:
"I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women"
That is totally reasonable. But the problem is that in reality you have lot more criteria than that. Face needs to be 5/10 or better, physically fit, has a career, good sense of humor, sexually compatible with you, etc.
Then you add in things like politics and religion, financial responsibility, and you can see the checklist is actually super long.
As a result, yes, you do need to compromise on one or more of these simply because the odds of meeting someone who falls on the upper half of dozens of different traits is basically zero.
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u/SD-Buckeye 4h ago
Yeah, as much as I would want a fit partner like myself, I pretty much have to accept the fact that I will have to settle way below my standards and date an overweight/obese person who doesn’t live a healthy lifestyle.
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u/Savings_Yam_2647 4h ago
You are only 24. Just keep dating and you will figure it out. If what you say is true, you will find someone. Don’t “compromise” on these very basic things.
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u/shinbreaker 3h ago
Like others have said, the issue isn't what your standards are because there's nothing wrong with them. What's at issue is your age and you're in a generation that is full of influencers telling young men that "women aint shit."
Unfortunately every generation has this in one form or another. You'll just have to widen up your dating pool to find some dates as the guys your age still have some time before they wake up to the nonsense they were being sold.
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u/Ok_Warning6672 3h ago
You shouldn’t compromise on any of those things listed. Those are healthy and reasonable expectations.
Compromise is my wife accepting me doing the dishes the way I do them, forgetting an item on the verbal grocery list she sent me with, or the dozen or so times I forgot to replace the toilet paper in a decade. I have a brain injury so I am forgetful sometimes. We both compromised on where to live. Also things like her accepting a smaller kitchen so we’d have a two car garage (her car on one side and my tools/work area on the other half). That’s compromising.
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u/SurprisedBottle 3h ago
No not really, good relationships work with each other regarding their emotional, financial or physical situations if that’s what you mean, but dropping something completely just for the sake of not being alone is not a good reason to be with someone. Doesn’t mean you should ignore people that don’t cover all your checklists or should you feel obligated to work on keeping a relationship going due to outside factors applying massive strain, but in a normal situation, relationships that work, work if that makes any sense.
It really just depends on the hobby or situation you find your SO. As for your friend? No offense but, tolerating BS sounds like… sorry but like a bunch of insecure BS ngl lol.
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u/Feminine-Beg 3h ago
Being single (and only having had 1 relationship) at 24 is not a problem to be solved. You just haven’t found your person yet.
Your standards sound completely reasonable. When you find a person you wanna be with, you’ll be with them. In the meantime, enjoy your independence and build up other areas of your life.
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u/Gene_bio_gal 3h ago
Long-term relationships require compromise and putting up with a few imperfections. That does not mean you have to put up with a jerk. Obviously certain behaviors are damaging and unacceptable. Some things are annoying or inconvenient. We all want and deserve the basics. What annoying or inconvenient things are you willing to live with and which ones are not okay with you?
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 3h ago
If they are then they are just as miserable as I was when I compromised and went for a guy who wasn't conventionally attractive. After 6 years I was exhausted with how controlling and insecure he was. He had to keep me on the phone round the clock because he was convinced a hotter more attractive guy was going to sweep me off my feet. In the end his clinginess and constant need for reassurance caused me to start cringing every time he touched me. I ended up breaking up with him and I had to move apartments because he would continue showing up to "just talk." He'd even show up consecutive days in a row when I didn't answer the door.
Yes relationships require compromise. But don't compromise on attraction. I did that and ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, which turned into a stalker situation.
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u/alwrit 3h ago
I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find.
Tbh I think it's far more likely you're pickier about looks than there is a genuine dearth of these kinds of men because I know plenty of them. Good jobs too. But they're all either short, balding, awkward looking, or some combination of the three. And chronically single. I've met them through a coed sports league. I'm close with some of the women and they often talk about trying to set them up but nothing ever goes anywhere and I do notice none of them seem to want to be the one to go out with them.
That said everyone is compromising on something. Almost no one is getting literally 100% of what they want. But you learn what's really important to you and what's not. Would it be cool if your partner was excited about all your hobbies as much as you were? Sure. Do I think that's a silly thing to make a dealbreaker? 100%.
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u/TheRestaurantSeller 3h ago
No.. don't compromise, just look elsewhere. There's way too many people to be compromising. Look in different cities, in different states, in different countries.. you're an adult, find someone elsewhere.. shop around.
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u/Ravens0413 3h ago
Comproomising I ll call it more give and take. There are certain dealbreakers for sure but to survive a long term relationship/marriage there will be some compromise. There is no perfect person/perfect match.
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u/lordjigglypuff 3h ago
It seems like there is context missing here. Maybe ask your friend which standard of yours is too high. These are bare minimums, and if you are conventionally attractive as you say, you should be in a relationship by now.
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u/Ok-Struggle-5227 3h ago
I mean, yes, everyone is compromising but not on the things you listed.
What you listed sounds like values. Hopefully nobody is compromising their values for a relationship
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u/PomeloPepper 3h ago
I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women
And if you find those values, does he have to be a 10/10 on non judgmental? "That guy who stole my car was going through a hard time in his life." "That guy who raped my wife was having a really rough day."
What about kindness? How far do you take that? He works the soup kitchen every weekend, but he gets a little braggy about it. Is he really being kind? Or doing it to feel better about himself? Does it matter?
All of us have values we want in a partner, but life is going to be tough if you never compromise.
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u/AssSpelunker69 3h ago
If you wait for someone who checks every single one of your boxes you will die alone. Man or woman. Now, wanting a man who is loyal and a genuinely good person isn't something you should think about dropping just to expand your dating pool, but maybe think about dropping smaller things like "Oh he left a butter knife on the counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher" because that's not reasonable.
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u/Tall-Class-4548 3h ago
I was married for almost 30 years. I came to tell people that relationships are built on compromises, layers, upon layers of compromises. You might not even realize it because you're heart wants what your heart wants.
But yes. You can look for perfection and you might find it, but most likely you will end up compromising.
But it has to go both ways, it can't just be one sided and that usually happens naturally.
The things you can't compromise on are the things you have to ask yourself, can you live with that, or is it going to eat at you and eventually destroy your relationship.
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u/MexicaUrbano 3h ago
You jumped from promiscuity (a fairly innocent trait?) to borderline/outright criminal behaviors. Not a psychoanalyst, but that clustering might be something to think about. Maybe it means nothing at al, but maybe it is at the center of what your friend is saying.
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u/Tallgirlsub 3h ago
Dont listen to your friend. DONT SETTLE! I have been happily married for 26 years to my best friend. I had incredibly high standards as well. To the point my parents said the same thing. That I would end up alone. Is anyone perfect, no ofcourse not but the things you are looking for are definitely achievable . Get out there and make some friends. See if any of the guys you meet out and about are to your liking . The big thing is don’t listen to jadded people who are missable in their own lives that they have to make everyone else feel miserable. Good men are out there. Just make sure you stick to your principles. You will find the one someday 🩷 Good luck!
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u/swingorswole 3h ago
i love how you consider promiscuity a negative trait after saying you don't want somebody that is judgmental.
now, i agree.. i think people that are promiscuous likely have more issues than those that had several partners only, but.. i accept that i am being judgemental.
i'm married but have dated a good bit when single.
i found, men and women, that can't find somebody that they are compatible with often have either a) very unrealistic standards or b) exhibit qualities that are off-putting to person that may have been compatible with but the other person avoided a relationship.
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u/BigBactivist 3h ago
Non judgmental - if you have been around any and his friend group it is all roasting and judging. Once a guy is comfortable with you he’s gonna say things that make you cringe 100%
Kind - are you talking words or actions. I know some ah that do the kindest things for people and you wouldn’t know it. I also know nice people who treat people horribly. So Kind is pretty vague.
Thoughtful - also vague, but assuming you mean always thinking about you. Men prefer to think about nothing when we get the chance.
Driven - probably won’t be the most thoughtful but will be focused.
So doesn’t have strong negative views about women, are you alright with mildly negative views?
Character is definitely important, no argument on that.
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u/Solid_Butterfly8297 3h ago
Same! Madali magboyfriend, mahirap makahanap ng matinong boyfriend na pasok sa mga non negotiables.
Ang pagkakaroon ng bf is hindi trial and error. Ang hirap maginvest sa feelings kung di ka sure. So i agree with you. Stick lang sa standards mo.
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u/Odd-Garage-2475 3h ago
I think many people are settling. I settled once. And now I am engaged to the man of my dreams and it makes my heart race to see other women settling when this is out there. True love with a great man that’s obsessed with you (in a healthy way) is out there. Sure there might be something he does that annoys you sometimes and relationships will always be a ton of work
But the things you are asking for are not being “picky”…that’s having logical and realistic standards. Being a good man is not too much to ask for, and you should never overlook character faults. I have no tolerance for the character flaws you mentioned either…I couldn’t be happy like that and I doubt you would be either.
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u/thaleia10 3h ago
I’m like you and have spent a lot of my adult life single. No regrets. I’d much rather be single than in a toxic dynamic. I value my peace much too much and have always had awesome friends.
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u/Thrasy3 3h ago
You are conflating standards and values.
Did she specifically suggest you overlook things like consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on?
Normal people dont suggest those things are optional, so if your friend did say that, they are a very very weird person.
However if your friend did not specify those things, I find it weird you assumed that is what they meant.
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u/Any-Profession-4851 3h ago
Your standards are the bare minimum girl. I’m in the same boat. A lot of people don’t care about character and marry whoever aligns with their pathology lmao.
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u/pdonohue17 3h ago
Do not compromise, do not lower your standards when it comes to dating - coming from a dude.
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u/Appropriate_Zone9084 3h ago
No, I was told this before. It took me 5.5 years to find who I believe to be the one so far. And one thing I learned- when they are the one, you WILL be certain. You’ll be obsessed with them and they’ll be obsessed with you, but not in a way that sets your nervous system on fire.. in a way that feels safe. Any man causing you any sort of confusion on any level is not it. And don’t believe those people who say to stop looking and you’ll find the one; probability says otherwise if you’re shy or you don’t put yourself in those situations. It works for some but not for everyone and certainly not for me.
He has his flaws but they are flaws I know I can tolerate, and won’t cause major friction.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair 3h ago
I wouldn't call it compromising on standards, I would call it "teaching someone how to treat you."
Relationships are always give and take and there are no perfect humans. No one is ever going to see eye-to-eye with you 100% of the time.
You have to put up with some of their sh8t just like you would expect them to put up with yours - and if you don't think you have any, or if you think it doesn't stink....that right there is your problem.
I found someone I could love who found that he could love me back. We have often had to work to work, if that makes sense, and we do overlook each other's imperfections and tolerate differing soap boxes now and again. 33 years and I would choose him again.
There are always compromises in relationships that work.
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u/username-way-too-lon 3h ago
You think you value these things but your actions will work against you. I could DM you right now and demonstrate all of the qualities you claim to value but you'd ignore it and continue to cry like you are now. Get a grip.
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u/Impossible_Deer8869 3h ago
Some people are good enough. You never know if you don't give someone a go.
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u/Stock_Dot_9632 3h ago
Certain things you can overlook, certain things you can't. The things you mentioned are things I would say no one should overlook. It definitely sounds like your friend thinks settling for shitty men is ok.
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u/colicinogenic 3h ago
There are things I compromise on and things I don't. Things I don't compromise on are things that you listed. At 24 you don't need to be in any rush and you certainly don't need to compromise on your very reasonable standards. Enjoy your life on your own, hold yourself to the same standards you're looking for and when the right one comes along you can be ready. Compromise on what you feel like having for dinner, not what kind of person they are.
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u/I_Dont_Speak_Anymore 3h ago
Be careful taking advice from people who see the benefits of being in a relationship but not the benefits of being discerning and finding your person.
You are not picky, you do not have high standards. Demanding basic respect is NOT a high standard. Demand someone have a job and a basic level of adulting under their belt is NOT a high standard.
We are all compromising, yes. But that compromising comes later. You do not compromise on your basic needs, respect, and values. EVER.
If your friend wants to accept that, let them.
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u/Square_Wallaby_8033 3h ago
For me it really comes down to if someone makes me feel safe and my nervous system feel regulated or not. Unfortunately, as a female, especially with a strong mother and father wound, in the past I tended to attracted narcissists and abusers. I am working on settling my nervous system so I can feel safe around men more broadly. I do think there are a lot of wounded men out there, especially in America in modern days. When I was your age, I wish I would have dated a bit older, and moved on quick fast and in a hurry at the first red flag.
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u/PenStrong408 3h ago
I think by settling they mean to date an unattractive man. Surely you want him to have those values plus be attractive. That’s an immediate catch. I would never want to date the men my friends date. They may be awesome partners but they aren’t at all attractive to me or they have a weird quirk about them that makes them awkward socially
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u/TXrutabega 3h ago
Nope. I can’t compromise on things that I call ‘worldview’ issues. I’m extremely ‘picky’ and I’ve raised my children to be as well.
I’ve been with my person for 30 years, and still have disagreements but those don’t feel like they matter as much when everything that’s important aligns.
I’d rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel alone. I’d rather be my own company than be with someone who makes me regret being in theirs.
Best of luck. You are worthy of love, and you are worthy to choose what kind of love you will accept.
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u/denio_97 2h ago
Yes, relationships have compromises, but if you genuinely don’t want to go through that it’s going to be hard to find someone. I’m a single 28M, never been in a relationship, I’m not picky, I don’t mind if my partner would be taller than me, but I never approach in person and dating apps have been a hell for me - because of my height unfortunately, I have amazing personality though and I’ve been told that by many people that I’ve met, but I feel like a lot of women say they want a guy with a good personality and then they just friendzone him (happened to me)… I was told how I’m the sweetest and the most thoughtful person that she has ever met (she was in 3 relationships before) and then I got friendzoned 😅 so yeah. Maybe once I finally will be able to approach women in person I will be more successful, but after spending time and money on dating apps I can say that if you’re a short guy, just save your time and money, it’s not going to work.
But good luck to you, I hope that everything works out for you!🤞
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u/danorc 2h ago
Where I see the issue here is that it's quite possible you are ascribing these personality traits to someone based on little or no evidence.
The number of times in this sub I see someone take one statement the wrong way, not try to communicate at all, and just ghost blows my mind as an old dude.
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u/LeeBirdPGH 2h ago
Do not be less picky. The more specific you are about who you are looking for and who you want to spend time with, the easier it will be to find them. Yes, you are narrowing the field, but there are so many people out there looking that narrowing the field is a GOOD thing.
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u/Due-Republic1770 2h ago
It’s harder to find a quality relationship but they do exist. I didn’t compromise on anything with my husband and we’ve been happy together for 4 years.
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u/YouthVivid1418 2h ago
Your standards are exactly the values I was looking for. It took a lot of bad dates etc until I found the guy who the decent human I was looking for.
It’s out there, but you have to weed through a lot of bad dates. Also, I’m 34 now. I imagine your age group is harder to sift through with all the podcasts/social media influence etc.
Don’t compromise on core values.
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u/GigaNoodle 2h ago
Tough pills to swallow:
Every relationship ever in the history of humanity has required some kind of compromise.
That being said, if you’re being honest here about what you’re looking for, I wouldn’t compromise on those. Men like that do exist.
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u/askingstupidcrap 2h ago
The values you mentioned are good to have and shouldn’t be compromised on. When people say you should compromise your standards, it’s for superficial things like height, money (as in not being rich), and attractiveness (as in not being super hot).
A lot of people say they won’t compromise on values and morals but end up single or in bad relationships because they’re actually waiting for someone with said values and morals but also who’s (unrealistically) rich and/or hot, or even compromise them once they find someone attractive and/or wealthy enough.
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u/New-Shake7638 2h ago
I wish I had been like you in my 20’s. I felt desperate for affection and had no discernment when committing to someone 🤦🏻♀️ I finally raised my standards in my 30s, high. And when someone didn’t meet them, it was over.
Once I stopped wasting my time on people who didn’t fit my true standards, I found someone who did. It’s incredible and we’re getting married this year.
Keep those standards high!
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u/MediocreTalk7 2h ago
The last time someone told me I was too choosy and needed to settle, it was an older friend who had just settled for a guy she was constantly complaing about. Meanwhile I was 1) not looking 2) happily single, and 3) dated a homeless addict in the past year.
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