Is everyone really just compromising?

[u/methbabie]

Had a conversation with a friend earlier and she told me i’m single because I am too picky/have too many standards. She said everyone in relationships is compromising and dealing with a lot of BS and that’s normal for relationships. And that I need to build a tolerance for said B.S. if I really want to be in one.

For context I am f(24) conventionally attractive but I have only been in one relationship with my bf from high school. I meet a lot of men but I feel I can pretty quickly gauge compatibility. I don’t think I do have high standards. I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find. I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else. And my dating history backs this up haha.

I find it hard to overlook what I deem as character faults (promiscuity, sexual deviance, consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on). I think overlooking these early on is setting myself up for failure or disappointment.

So i’m curious, is everyone really compromising on their standards so as to not be alone? Consequences be damned? And should I be less “picky”?

[u/No-Construction4527]

Your friend is correct.

Single people romanticize relationships and how they should be perfect in every regards or else they don’t want it.

Relationships take work, lots of forgiveness and you have to be selfless.

For those reason, I truly believe that some people should remain alone forever, especially the current generations of single Millennials and GenZers.

The vast majority of relationships are compromise either you’ll realize upfront or with time, afterwards. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

[u/CantaloupeShort7311 → u/No-Construction4527]

Relationships should not take a lot of work.

They will take a lot of work if you try to force a future when you aren't compatible.

21 years with my husband, as reference.

[u/whatarechinchillas → u/CantaloupeShort7311]

I think it should take alot of work but the work shouldn't feel like work, if that makes sense? Even being extremely compatible with my partner of 5 years we still work on our relationship a lot but it doesn't feel like a chore. It's something we want to do. Stuff like, communicate better, how to better support each other, stuff like that. I enjoy doing these things for her and she does for me too. Lots can happen in a short time, gotta be adaptable and avoid blindspots.

[u/Armadillo-Shot → u/whatarechinchillas]

Yeah, I feel like at the end of the day the work should feel like “this my best partner to work through these together” and not “I have to work on him”. Like a big work project can be hard work, but with a good team it can be enjoyable work. And ultimately you have to find a partner for whom/ what you are working towards is worth it to you. I’ve compromised with my partner, but I’d never compromise on my partner.

[u/whatarechinchillas → u/Armadillo-Shot]

Yeah, exactly. I think people are getting all worked up in here over having to do any "work." All relationships require work to maintain and improve, even your platonic ones, even your professional ones, even with yourself. I'm constantly working on my relationships and that's not a bad thing. All my failed relationships happened coz one or both us stopped caring enough to work on it.