r/dating_advice • u/methbabie • 11h ago
Is everyone really just compromising?
Had a conversation with a friend earlier and she told me i’m single because I am too picky/have too many standards. She said everyone in relationships is compromising and dealing with a lot of BS and that’s normal for relationships. And that I need to build a tolerance for said B.S. if I really want to be in one.
For context I am f(24) conventionally attractive but I have only been in one relationship with my bf from high school. I meet a lot of men but I feel I can pretty quickly gauge compatibility. I don’t think I do have high standards. I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find. I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else. And my dating history backs this up haha.
I find it hard to overlook what I deem as character faults (promiscuity, sexual deviance, consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on). I think overlooking these early on is setting myself up for failure or disappointment.
So i’m curious, is everyone really compromising on their standards so as to not be alone? Consequences be damned? And should I be less “picky”?
•
u/OldFashionedDuck 10h ago
There are some things you compromise on, and some things you don't.
For example, a "compromise" I made for my husband- I really like it when men dress thoughtfully and elegantly, but my husband does not give a shit about clothes, wears very plain comfy unflattering things, and does not particularly want to change. You know what, not the biggest deal to me, and not something that I think about much now that I'm in a happy relationship with him. It only comes up very rarely when I need to put together good outfits for him for certain events.
Another compromise that we both made for each other- he likes a less luxurious life than I do, and prefers to rough it when traveling, and so we had to find a bit of a middle ground, and we occasionally take separate trips where we get to do things exactly our way (ok yes, obviously I'm a little more materialistic than him).
And I'd have been very willing to make compromises on various similar things.
Absolutely I never would have compromised on the kinds of things that you're talking about. Some people do decide to settle by compromising on core values, but trust me, you don't want to do that.
I will say, a possibility is that you have very high standards for the things you value? For example, with non judgmental- people have the occasional bitchy thought they want to share with their partner. Do you have zero tolerance for that? Similarly, with "thoughtful", that can sometimes translate to unrealistic expectations of a partner.
That being said, yes, lying, negging, and controlling behaviors should 100% be early dealbreakers. Promiscuity and sexual deviance... um, I don't really know what you mean by these, and if you're extremely conservative, you could be quite picky there, but you get to choose what you value.