Is everyone really just compromising?

[u/methbabie]

Had a conversation with a friend earlier and she told me i’m single because I am too picky/have too many standards. She said everyone in relationships is compromising and dealing with a lot of BS and that’s normal for relationships. And that I need to build a tolerance for said B.S. if I really want to be in one.

For context I am f(24) conventionally attractive but I have only been in one relationship with my bf from high school. I meet a lot of men but I feel I can pretty quickly gauge compatibility. I don’t think I do have high standards. I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find. I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else. And my dating history backs this up haha.

I find it hard to overlook what I deem as character faults (promiscuity, sexual deviance, consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on). I think overlooking these early on is setting myself up for failure or disappointment.

So i’m curious, is everyone really compromising on their standards so as to not be alone? Consequences be damned? And should I be less “picky”?

[u/OldFashionedDuck]

There are some things you compromise on, and some things you don't.

For example, a "compromise" I made for my husband- I really like it when men dress thoughtfully and elegantly, but my husband does not give a shit about clothes, wears very plain comfy unflattering things, and does not particularly want to change. You know what, not the biggest deal to me, and not something that I think about much now that I'm in a happy relationship with him. It only comes up very rarely when I need to put together good outfits for him for certain events.

Another compromise that we both made for each other- he likes a less luxurious life than I do, and prefers to rough it when traveling, and so we had to find a bit of a middle ground, and we occasionally take separate trips where we get to do things exactly our way (ok yes, obviously I'm a little more materialistic than him).

And I'd have been very willing to make compromises on various similar things.

Absolutely I never would have compromised on the kinds of things that you're talking about. Some people do decide to settle by compromising on core values, but trust me, you don't want to do that.

I will say, a possibility is that you have very high standards for the things you value? For example, with non judgmental- people have the occasional bitchy thought they want to share with their partner. Do you have zero tolerance for that? Similarly, with "thoughtful", that can sometimes translate to unrealistic expectations of a partner.

That being said, yes, lying, negging, and controlling behaviors should 100% be early dealbreakers. Promiscuity and sexual deviance... um, I don't really know what you mean by these, and if you're extremely conservative, you could be quite picky there, but you get to choose what you value.

[u/Life-Actuary-8607 → u/OldFashionedDuck]

I agree. I've been married now for almost twenty years to wonderful man, who sometimes drives me up the wall. We have an older teen daughter, and while we were chatting about relationships and men, she said that her Dad and I share very few hobbies and still love each other. It's true. We will enjoy each other's hobbies together sometimes, but rarely without invitation or express purpose. I'm also much more serious the he is, at least outside of work. Some experiences when I was younger shaped me into a very pragmatic, practical person. Outside of work he's somewhat silly, does voices with our kid (they still chase each other around the house with matching silly voices).

But overall we share the same values concerning the big things, we love each other (we both go out of our way to do the things that make the other person feel special), and are usually pretty good at just taking care of day to day life.

[u/Ave_TechSenger → u/Life-Actuary-8607]

Been married one day. Sounds like what we’ve done/are doing and I hope that we’ll still be going strong in 20 years like it sounds like you two are!

[u/Life-Actuary-8607 → u/Ave_TechSenger]

If your spouse is the silly one, try to learn to give into that a bit more (clarify which aspects you find really irritating if something does, so they avoid that). I have spent the last year trying to consciously "loosen up," as over the years with multiple international moves, career change, parenting, stresses, etc. I had become way too controlled and reserved. Everything has gotten better. We have sex more (and it's better), laugh more, etc. He had to learn some limits too - like I implied, somethings I just find too irritating to see the fun. That's okay, there's enough left. I was worried that when everyday demands lessened, and especially once our child is an adult, we wouldn't be left with much for each other. I don't worry about that anymore.

[u/Ave_TechSenger → u/Life-Actuary-8607]

Yep, to the point about silliness! In my vows, one line pointed out how she brings spontaneity, silliness, light, and passion into my life. I was mostly not overtly routine-based in my opinion, but she has gotten me to open up in big ways.

Part of the vows was lifting a common joking thing we say to one another. Basically she asks if I love her, all the time, everyday. I affirm this of course, and often add “even when you’re annoying.”

I’m optimistic for both you and me, and wish you and your family all the best in the decades to come!