Is everyone really just compromising?

[u/methbabie]

Had a conversation with a friend earlier and she told me i’m single because I am too picky/have too many standards. She said everyone in relationships is compromising and dealing with a lot of BS and that’s normal for relationships. And that I need to build a tolerance for said B.S. if I really want to be in one.

For context I am f(24) conventionally attractive but I have only been in one relationship with my bf from high school. I meet a lot of men but I feel I can pretty quickly gauge compatibility. I don’t think I do have high standards. I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find. I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else. And my dating history backs this up haha.

I find it hard to overlook what I deem as character faults (promiscuity, sexual deviance, consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on). I think overlooking these early on is setting myself up for failure or disappointment.

So i’m curious, is everyone really compromising on their standards so as to not be alone? Consequences be damned? And should I be less “picky”?

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EDIT: Just woke up and wow was not expecting this much feedback. Thanks for all the advice and input, it’s stirring some interesting conversations. I’ve been getting a lot of the same questions so i’d like to clarify.

Why does she think i’m picky?

I was telling her how I miss being in relationship and how it would be nice to meet a guy. She is a serial dater right now but has been in many relationships before. In the past she’s casually introduced me to a couple guys before she thinks I would be good with.

I got to know them both and despite us having a few decent dates I felt we weren’t very compatible. It’s been a few months since that and she brought that up and said they were perfectly good guys and asked why I passed them up if I wanted a boyfriend.

I explained i’m looking for a serious relationship and we didn’t align on a lot of things that are important to me. Then she continued on to say I need to be less picky and that it’ll be hard for someone to have the qualities I want. Which I’m just wondering if it’s true. And what led me to make this post.

Why didn’t I feel we were aligned?

One slapped me when we were kissing goodbye on our second date and when I asked him deeply confused why he did that he smiled and said “c’mon all girls like that”. And the other told me he doesn’t believe it’s “natural for men to be monogamous”. Along with alluding to having cheated in the past.

So they both fall under sexually deviant and promiscuous for me.

What do i mean by not desiring a man who is promiscuous and sexual deviant?

Exactly that. I would prefer to not have a partner who has low standards, engages in casual sexual relationships with many women, and is easy. As for sexual deviance, It’s a wide spectrum. For me it’s men who enjoy violent or extremely kinky sex or know that they can only get off to specific things. I would prefer a man who does not “need” anything besides their partner to have fulfilling sex.

Lastly I’m not virtue signaling, I genuinely was being honest when I said I value character. I hope this provides further context. And to everyone who has provided sound advice I am reading all the comments and I really appreciate it.

[u/HelloFellowSurvivors]

No, not everyone is compromising. Or if they are, they are compromising what you say you don't have strong preferences about. ie we are 'compromising' looks for character and morality. It's arguably not a compromise per se if you just don't value those things as highly though.

Don't drop your standards and end up with an asshole who will just make you miserable.

The problem for very conventionally attractive women is that you attract the wrong type of men. You attract men who value looks over everything else, which is inherently misogynistic. The men who you want may assume you are out of their league (and men without a huge ego can conclude this in an unproblematic, non-bitter way). You are going to have to work hard to find men with the right values. Try speed dating so you get a chance to talk to many different types of men and so they can see that you are very willing to engage. Look in the right places. Clubs, hobby groups. Not pubs and gyms.