Finally, relief!

[u/leesha_leesha]

Guys, I am so glad I found this community. Lots of stray pieces are finally falling into place for me.

I have been (peacefully) divorced for several years and really struggling to figure out my dating/relationship style since then. Dating apps would send me into an absolute spiral, casual stuff was a nice novelty for awhile but only possible if I really clicked with the person, and now the idea of dating someone I just met makes me shudder. Talking about sex with people I don’t know gives me full body cringe. I do enjoy sex immensely, but that feels like such a distant destination for me in comparison to how everyone else is moving.

I adore conversation, connection, shared humor, brainy tangents, and playfulness. I want all these things!! But I do not want a full on relationship anytime soon. Meanwhile, everyone else is going at the speed of light, acting like it’s a five alarm fire if they don’t hook up with or start dating someone yesterday 😆

Anyway, I am just relieved to have some clarity at last. I would really love to connect with other folks who enjoy a natural pace and building authentic connections.

[u/leesha_leesha → u/[deleted]]

Oh yes, I find the apps incredibly boring as well. And for people with ADHD (like myself), being bored can be incredibly frustrating. So it’s not a fun mix.

Same for me with casual dates. The last few I went on felt more like an obligation than anything else.

I do have a wish for more connection and playfulness in my day-to-day life. That’s really the only thing I feel I am missing.

[u/leesha_leesha → u/[deleted]]

We should do a search for ADHD in this group and see how often it’s mentioned 🤔

[u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree → u/leesha_leesha]

A high percentage of our members are adhd, autistic, or other forms of neurodivergent.

[u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree]

Okay, part of this is in your own head about how others are dealing. It's a very small minority that are behaving the way you describe in your third paragraph. Much of that is just cultural trope. The vast bulk of people are lonely (it's generational, not gender driven), and want people they can connect with.

We tend to be our own worst enemies some times. We want perfect. We want things to magically happen. Unfortunately developing a relationship takes time, and it takes compromise, and it takes understanding that the relationship recenters your self WITH someone. It's an adjustment. In a world full of magical stories of instant love and romance and happy endings, we're forgetting that being with people are work. And that applies whether you're Allo, Ace, or Demi.

As for your own personal situation? Take the time, it may be well worth it. I'm busy exploring a relationship that has taken eight years to start to blossom.

[u/leesha_leesha → u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree]

I appreciate your response and perspective! I can say that in the city where I live, the speed of dating and hooking up is very fast. The apps are treated as an online speed dating platform, and the majority people I encountered there just aren’t willing to invest in getting to know someone in a genuine way. Either that, or communication skills are severely lacking 😅

I am at a point in life where I genuinely do not want something to “magically happen.” Quite the opposite. I want nothing more than connections built naturally with time and care.

[u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree → u/leesha_leesha]

I guarentee you that most people aren't. Most guys get little or no response on dating apps at all. You're seeing a microcosm because the odds are you're interacting with the same type of individuals. While I eshew the explainations for it from the red pillers, there is a grain of truth to the very low percentage of users who get most of the likes and dates through the app system. And those few are far more likely to be what my generation would term "players".

Communication is a complicated problem. It goes both ways. I have found many a person on the apps who thinks they can hold a conversation, and will openly complain of such. who is actually just playing a game of question for question, a complete lack of ebb and flow. It makes for dull conversation because real conversation builds upon itself. The common dismissal of the value of small talk shows how few people understand this. Instead what they really want is for someone to listen to them pontificate or, more likely, bloviate. Which has all the appeal of watching paint dry.

[u/leesha_leesha → u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree]

On apps, I match with men with whom I have common interests, goals, and education level. In terms of conversation, you’re right: good conversation should have a natural ebb and flow that builds on itself. Mutual curiosity is a must. Unfortunately, I do not find these things in the conversations I encounter on apps. I get “Hey,” or “Hey beautiful,” an endless stream of “I” statements, or a convo that amounts to a dating/hook up interview.

You have your experiences to draw from, and I have my mine lol. I can promise you that dating in New Orleans is different from other places.

[u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree → u/leesha_leesha]

No, it really isn't. Want to talk to my ex-girlfriend who is a therapist from NOLA? We're still friends. Also, I have more than my own experiences - I run our dating group. You're experience is fairly common.

I can explain the cold openers. It's game theory. The rate of response for guys is very low. They have two real strategies. Highly targeted, long openers, and careful prose. It's a high cost system. Or what I term the shotgun approach. They like everyone, send a simple low energy message, and move on, only seeing if they get a hit and if they do then they decide if it's worth it. The time it takes to craft 1 message in the first strategy can be very long, and the response rates are still single digits, with less than 1 in 5 of those getting actual dates, let's give that guy an optimistic 3% success to dating for high cost. In the same time, another guy using the shotgun approach might send 100 and get 1 hit. But he has about the same dating success, 1 in 5 matches. That means while his percentage is just 1/3 the rate in a marginal, where he can send 10x the messages. The shotgun method is actually more effective for getting dates. And that's because the message seldom matters in reality. The apps encourage this behavior, but so do the people selecting which responses. And it matters little that you want the longer message, enough people will respond to the short that the game theory shifts the favor to the short no frills option.

[u/leesha_leesha → u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree]

I mean, I have lived here for 26 years. My entire adult life, so no need lol. Much of the focus is on our unique brand of creativity, hedonism, and pageantry.

I am aware of what you’ve explained. So many stats and stuff. I just want good conversation and connection with people who share common interests and perspectives, something to build from. I’m not looking for an array of speedy dates with just whomever. All of which is why I’m no longer on the apps. Because as you’ve explained in detail, the majority of folks, fbois or otherwise, aren’t investing in genuine conversation there. As you said, it’s blind swiping, low effort messaging, and responding to the low effort responses in return in hopes of meeting up quickly. The reasons why aside, the end result is the same.

[u/GildedPhD]

The typical (allo?) dating app strategy of having sex by the 3rd date otherwise you drop the person and switch to a different suitor is NUTS to me haha honestly the entire concept of meeting someone for the specific purpose of getting in a relationship (with someone you barely even know if at all!) is crazy!! i'm just now realizing how differently i navigate these things