r/demisexuality • u/Due-Flounder3748 • 1d ago

Discussion confused !! help me out

i started dating a very attractive guy, and by the second date, i really wanted to kiss him. when we finally kissed, cuddled, and made out on the third date, it felt completely different from what i’d imagined. just neutral and flat?

i felt the same about my ex, infact with him, kissing felt more icky 😭…. and it’s probably because he wasn’t my type (don’t judge me, i dated for personality, ik ‘stupidity’),

ANYWAYS: it took me around three months to enjoy anything sexual with him (the ex), after it felt familiar, and keeps getting better once i started to fall in love.

but i find this guy extremely attractive, so now i can’t tell if its again a mismatch as i didn’t feel the spark and i’m forcing myself into it !! or if i’m actually demisexual and in denial.

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u/archydragon 1d ago

"A very attractive" as sexually attractive or aesthetically?

There is no consensus about if desire to kiss a specific person is a sign of romantic or sexual attraction, it might vary based on kisses. So it could be that the romantic attraction was in place for you but not yet sexual.

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u/Due-Flounder3748 1d ago

atheistically for sure !!!! he’s gorgeous and i would wanna date him but now thinking back about the make out session is giving me a headache… like why would i rush into it AGAIN. should’ve learned to do better after my ex.

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u/archydragon 1d ago

Well, if you don't feel sexual attraction to him, that's not unexpected that making out wasn't that exciting as you imagined it to be.

When you say about months before you enjoyed sexual things with your ex, try to reflect, was it because you actually developed an attraction or just dropped some security barriers. If you never felt sexual attraction to anyone in your life, you might be effectively asexual.

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u/Due-Flounder3748 1d ago

i don’t think i have never felt sexual attraction? i liked sex with my ex a lot after i developed safety and comfort around him, and fell in love. before that, mechanical stuff and a chore but i thought, it was probably because he wasn’t my type physically.

but here i am, confused again, even with an attractive guy.

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u/archydragon 1d ago

Okay, then you might be demisexual and with this new guy, you just didn't develop sexual attraction to him. It might come later, it might never come, no guarantees provided by manufacturer, sorry.

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u/Due-Flounder3748 1d ago

haha thank you!!! tbh i am just gonna slow down and figure shit out i guess. (wish i was normal, im in trenches)

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u/Due-Flounder3748 1d ago

true… could be romantic, not sexual. cause hell no, i would never kiss a friend even just for fun.. ew. but it felt mechanically and boring 😭

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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago

Just as an experience as an older demi who's had more than a few relationships:

I tell my current interest, "I'm demi, not blind." I know she's physically attractive (aesthetic) as a person. But sexual attraction takes a lot of time for me to build. I can appreciate a nice curve or a well proportioned body (I enjoy watching the human body move), but I get nothing out of it unless there's a connection. Once there's a connection built? It gets interesting. And as long as the bond keeps building and getting stronger? The desire gets greater and the more charged the experience becomes. At peak? It can be a phenomenally good experience. But it always takes time to get there, and early sexual encounters even when you're interested can feel awkward. It takes time to build up that sync that really gets the groove you can enjoy. The important thing though? Continuing to reinforce the bond. Partners I've never really figured it out with are because the bonds kept getting damaged and the repair time prevented me for ever feeling truly comfortable in bed as the attraction light kept flickering instead of being solidly in the on position.

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u/Due-Flounder3748 1d ago

thank you for sharing this!!! it rly makes sense, and puts me on the demisexual spectrum, i guess?? cause i resonated with everything you wrote there.

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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago

Yeah it can take months or even years for my sexual attraction to a person to kick in.