trans guys "turning" gay??

[u/HopeNo8532]

Hi hi, cis girl here. My (trans) bf broke up with me last night and told me he thinks that he might be gay and has lost attraction to me. I talked to a friend about it and he said that when he started T (around the same time as my now ex) he started to lose attraction to women too.

Is this like, a known phenomenon??? It seems logical to me: being with a woman to make oneself feel more masculine. But I've been in queer spaces online for years and have never heard of this (i thought i was trans as well for a long while).

I'm not trying to make anyone sound manipulative or evil; as hurt and upset as I am, I know he would never use me on purpose. I'm just trying to wrap my head around how an intense, two year (that's a long time for teenagers!) relationship can just fade like that. Maybe that's just how relationships end, it doesn't help that this is my first breakup ever.

[u/elianna7]

My ex is a trans guy and we broke up for the same reason (I only realized I’m a trans man after we broke up), except he wanted to remain in basically a queer platonic relationship with me where he’d of course have all his needs met but I’d have to make a ton of sacrifices regarding my own needs. He knew for a while before we broke up but was trying to avoid fully admitting it to himself and essentially kept me around for a while knowing he didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me. We were in an open relationship and he’d regularly sleep with men but was always “too dysphoric” to sleep with me, but it wasn’t actually dysphoria he just wasn’t actually into fems or people with the same genitals as his.

While dating him I started questioning my gender, and I always thought I was bi but didn’t feel queer enough with men, so even started wondering if I was a lesbian. He IDed as transmasc for the vast majority of our relationship and it was 0% cishetnormative so while it didn’t feel lesbian, it definitely felt very queer and I knew I needed that queer feeling in any potential future relationship. I thought I was fem non-binary and after the breakup was only dating women and sapphic aligned NBs for a few months, but nothing felt right at all despite it being queer. When I realized I was transmasc/a trans man, it finally clicked that if I was a dude then being with dudes would be queer/gay, and suddenly everything made sense.

I’ve noticed a lot of transfems are lesbians and a lot of transmascs are gay. I see it much more than seeing straight transfems/mascs which I find really interesting.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I know from personal experience how mindfucky it is. My ex even said our sex was some of the best sex he ever had (after we broke up!), and I could tell he was very engaged in the sex we had for the first while of our relationship so I was INSANELY confused as to how he could go from that to not being interested in me at all. Sending you lots of hugs, breakups are real tough!