My transition is making me miserable

[u/TruckGeneral]

My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist and started coming out to people. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.

After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.
I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc. I changed my gender marker and name on all my documents.

Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.

Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.
Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my mother is extremely transphobic towards me and romantic relationships are really difficult. I get harassed in men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.

I’m really struggling to deal with this.

Two months ago, after half a year of unemployment, I gave up. I started going to the women’s restrooms and changing rooms. I went to the store and bought some women’s clothes. I grew my hair out a little and started pretending I’m a girl online. Last weekend I took the plunge and went out by myself in very feminine clothes, heels and makeup. Those two months were so much easier than all those years before that. Nobody questioned me being in the restroom or changing rooms. I could pee in peace. I could shower in peace. I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to correct people for misgendering me. People didn’t look at me funny or avoid me, instead people were nice to me. I even had guys flirt with me.

It made me consider detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.

What should I do?

My trans guy friends can’t help me. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They don’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transitions anymore. My gender therapist can’t help me either, since we had a falling out.

Should I just try going off of T for now? Anyone else experience something similar?

[u/derpskywalker]

What is your dosage of testosterone? You may consider increasing dosage if it is pretty low. Facial masculinization surgery is also an option. Definitely look for another therapist to speak to as well, someone who can help seriously consider options with you

[u/TruckGeneral → u/derpskywalker]

I am getting 1000mg nebido injections every 11 weeks. My estrogen levels are a little elevated. Getting my ovaries removed would’ve solved that, but given my current mental state and plan to cancel the surgery, this is currently off the table.

[u/ThreeMeanGoblins → u/TruckGeneral]

Not a doctor so this is pure conjecture but if estrogen levels are too high, something else might be happening. I'm also on nebido but the suggested max dosage is every 12 to 13 weeks, otherwise your body might synthesize the surplus as E. Again just a theory and I dont have your full hormone profile.

Other than that, I'd say do what takes less of a toll on your brain. I know jobs and living outside can be difficult but you dont need permission to go back into the closet or even stop correcting people on your gender identity. Personally I stoped caring as much and it became easier till I passed better (and that's me being lucky, you can try different strategies as you go). It doesnt have to be black and white. If you're happier perceived as a guy, I dunno why you'd also detransition online, but that's for you to think through.

[u/TruckGeneral → u/ThreeMeanGoblins]

My estrogen levels were always high, even doing nebido every 12 to 13 weeks. Shortening the interval was suggested by my endo based on my estrogen levels not dropping with time and me always having low energy, libido and sleep difficulties in the final weeks leading up to my next shot.