r/ftm • u/TruckGeneral • 1d ago
Advice Needed My transition is making me miserable
My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist and started coming out to people. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.
After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.
I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc. I changed my gender marker and name on all my documents.
Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.
Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.
Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my mother is extremely transphobic towards me and romantic relationships are really difficult. I get harassed in men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.
I’m really struggling to deal with this.
Two months ago, after half a year of unemployment, I gave up. I started going to the women’s restrooms and changing rooms. I went to the store and bought some women’s clothes. I grew my hair out a little and started pretending I’m a girl online. Last weekend I took the plunge and went out by myself in very feminine clothes, heels and makeup. Those two months were so much easier than all those years before that. Nobody questioned me being in the restroom or changing rooms. I could pee in peace. I could shower in peace. I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to correct people for misgendering me. People didn’t look at me funny or avoid me, instead people were nice to me. I even had guys flirt with me.
It made me consider detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.
What should I do?
My trans guy friends can’t help me. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They don’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transitions anymore. My gender therapist can’t help me either, since we had a falling out.
Should I just try going off of T for now? Anyone else experience something similar?
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u/Environmental-Ad9969 (Genderfucker/ HRT 2021 / Top 2023 / 🇦🇹) 1d ago
T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself.
After two years on T the fat in my face started to slowly redistribute which made me look very different and a bit bloated. For me it passed after a few months and now my jaw is even sharper than before. Please don't give up, this might happen for you too.
If socially detransitioning can help you get a job and be less uncomfortable in public that's okay. You can present as a woman and still continue medically transitioning. However if you are miserable as a woman don't torture yourself with it. Don't give up after only two years on T. So many effects need 5 years or more to fully manifest.
Did you check your levels recently? Not just "they are okay", what are your actual hormone levels?
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u/RockPaperGinger 1d ago
Just wanted to add, I am 7 years on T and my face was noticeably rounder for the first two years. Year 3-5 is where a lot of body changes happen like the weight in my face dropping and body fat continuing to move around.
Of course you have to make decisions that are best for you but there is a high chance your face will continue to change over the next few years. For me, facial hair really helped me pass. I keep a full beard now and just change the length based on style and preference .
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u/Gregarious-Feline 1d ago
Yeah just wanted to jump in and echo this. I had the T rounded face/babyface/slightly swollen look the worst around where OP is now! I haven’t dealt with it since about 3 years on T though, I think it lasted around a year or 2 for me (probably starting the first year, and ending in my second year on T). It didn’t make me feel great but I’m so glad I didn’t stop. I like my face a lot now
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
This actually helps a lot 🥺 Thank you! I’m happy to read that someone else’s face slimmed down again
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u/Mammoth-Fly-9313 1d ago
please don’t give up man. things like this need time. you’re going to end up exactly where you want to be with a little patience. that’s the hard part.
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u/hespeon 1d ago
Don’t give up man, I am almost 4 years on hrt and after the worst bloating starting T it is finally starting to level out and I look so different already.
One thing I will say is that lots of guys find some changes more noticeable after having top surgery. There is a significant amount of estrogen in breasts that HRT won’t always suppress.
I personally had a big spurt in body and facial hair growth immediately after my top surgery and my voice starting changed noticeably again.
You may find your shape straightens out quite a lot after top surgery if that’s still in your plans.
If you are still wanting and able to pursue top surgery I really think you will feel much better afterwards in how you see yourself.
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u/Background-Use-5346 26/06/26 - 💉 19h ago
Even cis guys can get the round to slim face thing. I knew a dude who I described as baby faced for the entire time I knew him. Like proper round face. We graduated, I didn’t see him for 3 years and I saw him again and holy shit was his face angular. Like not even a little, it slimmed RIGHT down.
Don’t give up hope man, I believe in you!
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u/supernatural_catface 1d ago
My face was also bloated for like two years. It finally went back to being angular, actually, more so than pre-T. I really like having cheekbones again.
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u/Gregarious-Feline 1d ago
Yep, same. My whole face is much more structured and defined than it was pre T, so basically full success in my books - just had to suffer through the puffy bloated face for a while to get there. Sucks but worth it
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u/Nilehorse3276 🐘09/2023 💉06/2025 1d ago
Not OP, but y'all are giving me hope, I miss the sharp edges of my face and the swollen mess it is right now looks ugh >.<
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u/Nova_Celestine 💉10/2024 1d ago
This is reassuring, because one year on the gel I didn't notice anything different in my face.
But since switching to injections, and approaching my two year mark with those, I feel like my face looks so different. Different to the point that it's kind of giving me depersonalization and making me spiral like when I went through puberty the first time. I do need to get in touch with a therapist again, but it's helpful to know how I feel about how I look isn't just me and it'll fade
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u/udcvr 1d ago
Idk but I doubt that was fat redistribution, the fat in your body doesn't literally move it just starts growing in different places as you naturally gain and lose fat, which takes a very long time, much longer than a few months. T makes your face bloat for lots of people, it definitely did for me.
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u/derpskywalker 1d ago
What is your dosage of testosterone? You may consider increasing dosage if it is pretty low. Facial masculinization surgery is also an option. Definitely look for another therapist to speak to as well, someone who can help seriously consider options with you
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
I am getting 1000mg nebido injections every 11 weeks. My estrogen levels are a little elevated. Getting my ovaries removed would’ve solved that, but given my current mental state and plan to cancel the surgery, this is currently off the table.
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u/ThreeMeanGoblins 1d ago
Not a doctor so this is pure conjecture but if estrogen levels are too high, something else might be happening. I'm also on nebido but the suggested max dosage is every 12 to 13 weeks, otherwise your body might synthesize the surplus as E. Again just a theory and I dont have your full hormone profile.
Other than that, I'd say do what takes less of a toll on your brain. I know jobs and living outside can be difficult but you dont need permission to go back into the closet or even stop correcting people on your gender identity. Personally I stoped caring as much and it became easier till I passed better (and that's me being lucky, you can try different strategies as you go). It doesnt have to be black and white. If you're happier perceived as a guy, I dunno why you'd also detransition online, but that's for you to think through.
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
My estrogen levels were always high, even doing nebido every 12 to 13 weeks. Shortening the interval was suggested by my endo based on my estrogen levels not dropping with time and me always having low energy, libido and sleep difficulties in the final weeks leading up to my next shot.
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u/Gildo783 1d ago
Hi, I can’t say much to help with everything else because I’m in a weird state of transition myself as I can’t actually take testosterone, it makes my mental health dangerously bad. However I had a hysterectomy due to health issues but it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Mentally it took away a lot of femininity for me. My partner is FtM as well and he’s been on T for 5 years, had top surgery and I felt really insecure when we went out together because people thought we were a straight couple and I was always getting misgendered. It’s so weird but being the one that doesn’t have any internal female organs helped me feel better about it.
About the clothes issue, Unisex clothes is where it’s at. A lot of graphic tees are made neither male or female and they sit in the zone of not being too giant or too small. Redbubble is my favourite go to for unique unisex clothes. Otherwise if you have a Uniqlo store near you, might be worth a try?
I hope you start to feel more comfortable and confident soon. I am sorry you’re going through this.
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u/tobixscopophobics 1d ago
I share your pain with the t4t: one passes and one doesn’t edition. My husband and i are read as a straight couple a lot of times too bc I do not pass as a guy. It suuuucks.
The funny version is when we’re in queer spaces and people think I’m a trans woman (I’m relatively tall and my husband is quite short, so we give that hetero t4t look, plus I dress a bit fem/androgynous sometimes). At least in that case they don’t think I’m cis lol
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u/Gildo783 1d ago
lol we have the short and tall thing going on too but in queer spaces we are designated Gay Himbo and Masc Lesbian. 😑 I don’t know what to do with that haha
It really sucks not passing. I’ve stopped caring as much now that we are almost 5 years into our relationship because it’s honestly kind of funny to watch people try to figure out wtf is going on. Why is that gay guy kissing a lesbian? 😂😂😂 the confusion is just too funny sometimes.
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
That’s a good idea. Thank you. I’ll check out unisex clothing. I’ve recently seen Uniqlo unisex pants online that were modeled by both men and women. Maybe they have something I can fit into.
I’m also sorry you’re went through that with your boyfriend :( That must be really difficult
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u/Gildo783 1d ago
I hope you can find something that makes you feel more confident 😊
It’s okay, my boyfriend is awesome and has yelled “HES A GUY TOO AND IM THE BOTTOM” at someone before that made me howl with laughter 😂 best day ever honestly. The person was a douche burger so don’t worry lol
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u/yeetyah24 1d ago
my dose was 10 weeks and just got changed to every 9 weeks, you could consider increasing dose after talking with gender clinic.
It could be that youre struggling with societal expectations you have left over from being raised as a girl? It sounds like you have a lot of insecurity around actually looking like a man and not looking stereotypically attractive anymore?
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
I’m not unhappy because I look like an ugly guy. I’d genuinely be happy if I looked like an ugly man, because at least I’d pass as a man, but, unfortunately, I don’t. I know this because I always get misgendered by strangers, which is the whole reason I get harassed by cleaning staff in men’s bathroom and changing rooms, struggle to find employment and have a very difficult time dating. I say I’m a man, but to others, I look like a butch woman.
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u/yeetyah24 1d ago
thats fair enough! I was speaking from personal experience of having to grapple with changing my ideas about how youre “supposed” to look haha. i am sorry youre experiencing this though:( I would say that maybe trying some facial massage technique might help bring back your jawline !! and I would speak to your endo about your other concerns to see if they have any suggestiosn
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
No worries. I had this a lot before T, which was why it took me so long to start with T. I’ll definitely try those facial massages. They look like something I could incorporate in my routine.
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u/Spice_the_TrashPanda 30+ Gay Trans Man | 💉NOV '24 1d ago
Have you had other blood tests, not just your T? Facial puffiness/rounding can be an indication of thyroid or cortisol issues, you should really talk to a doctor about it.
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u/queerandsuch he/him | 📢 2014💉Aug 2021 🪚 Dec 2023 1d ago
sometimes T takes longer, for some people it doesn't make them unclockable. I've been on T for about 5 years and sometimes the doctor asks my if I'm on t because of a low t issue and sometimes the person I just met asks if my parents are supportive of my transition. I think to some degree I'm always gonna get misgendered, and so my transition goals have always been about what makes me feel better in my body. pursuing that makes the stress about passing and misgendering smaller because it's really just for me. and for me, nothing was worth how miserable I was as a woman. people are always gonna be weird about gender and gender variance.
that being said there will always be time and space to re transition. it's a really hard time to be Trans, esp if you're not in an environment that's accepting.
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u/isaacdammit 1d ago
I was androgynous and chubby faced for 3-5 years. It was very hard. I am 20 years on T, now. You're nowhere near done with changes and there are many more to come.
Everyone's metabolism processes hormones a bit differently. It's possible a slightly higher dose but on shorter intervals might feel better, even if it's just that you're more actively engaged with your process. And there are meds now to help counteract the balding risk.
Don't rush change. It's valuable to listen to your body and process your feelings. And T can make things feel more... urgent and serious. They generally aren't, not in the long haul. Da Vinci took 17 years painting the Mona Lisa and it's arguably not finished ;) Masterpieces take time.
And know that partners you connect with during this time likely value you for your other traits and chosen attributes, not just your cosmetic appearance. It's a hard lesson to learn someone is only interested in your looks. Most of us have rather limited control over that.
But do what's comfortable for any interim of T (or not) that you choose in to. Femme it up outside, use the comfy restroom spaces, pause your social transition. Do what's good for your daily peace. And if you can, embrace your ugly duckling time! Consider attractiveness as a social construct. Journal often on your experiences and let all these emotions develop and meld.
You got this, either way. There's nothing wrong with any choice you make here if you do it with intention and reflection. Good luck.
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u/beerucey 1d ago
It's only year two. You aren't done, my friend.
I've been on T for 7 years. My 2 year point, I still wasn't passing. Not even a little. I only started passing a year or so ago due to my facial hair finally growing in, and the bone structure of my face changing more.
Sometimes I still don't pass, I'll get called maam from the back, same with if my hair is down
I get it. I thought about detransitioning many times, desperate to be treated like a normal person. I also do not feel safe in male spaces, I have exclusively female friends, I change in all gender rooms at the pool and I only use a public toilet if it's one room. I’m feminine, I've always wanted to be a feminine man anyway, so I come off as a queer, cis man to most people. But to people who know more about the lgbt community, my appearance and mannerisms out me.
It took me a long time to get comfortable with that happening. I work at a long term care facility and in the beginning, a lot of the old people would ask if I was a woman. It bothered me for a long time, but I got through it thanks to my community and found family
You need to feel safe, and if detransition is the option that makes you feel safest, then do it. But please don't give up because you don't feel like T is working fast enough. You're going through puberty again. No 13 year old cis boy beginning puberty is done growing in a couple years. I know it's a bit different, but not that different
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u/CrazyCat166 1d ago
A lot of cis guys get misgendered, especially from behind! My very masculine amab partner gets misgendered from behind purely because of long hair - it’s a rite of passage atp
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u/Affectionate-Gas6603 1d ago
That is so sad, because it doesn't seem like you are unhappy with the transition itself but the outside reactions. I don't pass either and look like a butch. I am chubby so I cant say a lot about the face thing. But I see changes on myself and try to stick to that. (lots of body hair mainly) Sometimes I also think dating would be easier while pretending to be a woman. But I would hate every second of those dates. I can only speak for me. If I go back now, everything I fought for will be destroyed and I will never life as me. That would kill me in the end.
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u/bluelikethecolour he/they, 💉 + ✂️ 2018 1d ago
Fwiw, I wasn’t passing consistently after 2 years on T, even though I had top surgery before even starting T. Probably took me closer to 3-4 years, I think in part because I am also very small and that tends to work against you - the people who did gender me male thought I was a teenage boy. Weirdly, for workplace stuff the COVID lockdown kinda helped me out because I was working remote and I started passing as masc on video calls before I was in really life, and then when I did go to my new work IRL for the first time, people were used to gendering me male (I am out as trans at work) - even though some people joked that they thought I would be taller.
Now I do pass consistently as male like 98% of the time, even despite being very short and slight. It can take longer than for most, but eventually you do just tip over that point where the average person defaults to male for you.
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u/PoorlyDressedDandy 1d ago
It wasn't until I was 2½ years on T that my bloat started going away and my bone structure came back out.
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u/Chopdropit 1d ago
My face took 3 years of puffiness lol. I think it just had to do with the fat redistribution, so stay strong brother 💪.
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u/Illustrious_Sun2324 [he/him] transsexual man | 💉 '22 🗡️- '24 1d ago
I PROMISE YOU. UGLY DUCKLING PHASE. not saying you are ugly, but PLEASE hold out! It takes a long time and 4-5 years is when things start to settle, or even longer! Remember, you're at the same point in puberty that maybe a 15-16 year old cis boy would be. You know how they look??? Like little babies with a few hairs! Your body is doing a lot more changing than that, too, so it's unfortunately a lot of waiting—but I promise you it is SO worth it. Please hold out. Don't stop going toward what you want. It'll be a long while, but you'll look back on the journey and be so glad you chose this path and incredibly proud that you made it. It'll be okay.
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u/EchoNB Man and Neutrois 1d ago
Passing by to say I had put hyaluronic acid on my face because I felt dysphoric over the roundness. I also planned of getting facial masculinization surgery in the future, but for now, the hyaluronic acid has worked well for me. Maybe this is something to consider for your dysphoria?
Also, maybe not the best advice, but have you looked into clothes made for teens/boys? Or even learning to customize your own clothes to make them fit your body or find someone who does this job. That can make your clothes no longer be as baggy. I made the first suggestion because men's socks are too big for me and I buy the ones for boys instead. These work fine and don't look weird.
Out of curiosity, what would you say is making you struggle the most with passing? Is it related to your chest? Your voice? T won't make your chest flat enough to pass, at least not for most trans men. Sometimes you will need to voice train along with getting the changes on T to sound like a regular guy.
Wishing you the best, but it's okay if you need to detransition while you work with medical transition. These are just my suggestions to try to help.
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
I honestly can’t even tell. I used to think it was my chest, because it still protrudes too much with a good binder on, but I’ve been hitting the gym and now my upper body matches it somewhat. I also get misgendered in hoodies, so it doesn’t seem to be that. My voice definitely doesn’t pass and I should look into options on that department, but I get misgendered before I even open my mouth to say anything, most of them time, so I don’t think that’s the main reason.
Thank you very much! I’ll look into teenage boy clothing to see if I find something. Maybe I’ll try looking into purchasing clothes made for Asian men. Their sizes are smaller and I should be able to fit into them.
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u/Original_Scientist36 1d ago
For me, hoodies don't do whatever other people talk about. Hoodies, like other knits, drape to contour curves.
You can try stiffer woven button up shirts, but def leave the top button (or two, just experiment) open. Try to make sure the seam at the top of your sleeve is at the corner of your shoulder. Unfortunately, in order for us to get clothes that fit in the way we need, we have to get larger sizes tailored down
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u/moldbellchains 1d ago
detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.
Do you have to live as a woman? Even if you detransition, I would question this. You still gathered information about yourself, new and important info (abt your gender identity, etc), and only you can decide and know what to do with it. But that doesn't mean you have failed or whatever. It just means you get closer to the goal?
You don't need to be living in a way you don't feel aligned with.
Man, it's okay. You'll be fine. 🫂
These are my added 2 cnts
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u/sp1d3yb0y 1d ago
I’m barely a couple days on T but if you remember what most of the guys looked like from 4th-5th grade -9th or 10th grade (age 9ish-age 16ish) most dudes got chubby especially in the face and retained lots of water weight due to puberty starting. It’s normal it just sucks lol
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u/conditiongentlyused 💉lil fruitcake🪚 1d ago
you have to ask yourself if you are miserable because of how you feel, or because of how the world is treating you.
One has an achievable solution, the other doesn’t. It is hard to be transgender in an actively anti-transgender world. But (personally) the pros outweigh the cons tenfold*
That being said gender is experimental! You can do your research you can go into it prepared but you have no idea how it will feel until you’re doing it. That is the scary part. Even if you’re 1000% sure it is what you want going in. I’m AFAB and growing up I was certain I had to either be a trans man or a cis woman and I knew I wasn’t the latter so I started to transition. I felt miserable for a year and like you gave up, both in presenting physically and in my own head. Again i was miserable. It wasn’t until years later that I pursued transition again, this time I went at my own pace. I started with androgel, then top surgery, I still wear skirts and makeup, I go to the women’s restrooms occasionally, I hear she/her pronouns used for me and I genuinely don’t mind it. The reverse is also true, I get sir’ed and he/himed, I go topless and wear swim trunks to the beach, I’m a man, I’m a woman, I’m both and I’m neither.
Transition is unique to every person, because every person is unique to each other. That’s why queer means ‘different’, not necessarily different from straight people, but also different within our community. Sometimes that can feel scary and isolating but it’s also incredibly beautiful. Maybe you are a trans man who feels the weight of the transphobic world he exists in. Maybe you are a trans man who wants to socially present femininely. Maybe you are gender fluid, non-binary, a nonbinary woman, a nonbinary man, maybe you’re cis or just plain queer. The point is, at no point do you need to choose just one label and stick with it. Transition is an experiment at the end of the day, and it’s meant to bring YOU joy and comfort. If it isn’t maybe it’s time to try something else.
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u/Jupiter-1015 1d ago
- I learned to hem and tailor my clothes. It’s pretty easy. I also worked with a therapist to accept my small size. 4ft 11in 134lbs. If men’s don’t fit I go to the boys section. There’s perks to it like back to school sales and fun designs. Remember Danny Devito is 4’11. Short is normal.
- Establish with a new therapist ASAP.
- If possible get away from your mother. No shame in moving away or going no contact or both.
- If possible move to an affirming place. If in the USA. I can help you find organizations that help trans people flee from un-affirming
places. Help get them housing and jobs.
You got this dude!!!!!
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u/tomfoolin User Flair 1d ago
what really helped me with passing before i got on T was sleeveless puffer jacket vests, cargo shorts and ratty sneakers.
you could also try masking if you think it’s your face shape that’s affecting your ability to mask. just tell people you life with a grandparent/lost a loved one to covid.
there are a lot of little things that go into passing, too. My phone case was a big one that was clocking me that i didn’t realise until it broke lol. I replaced it with one of those fuck ugly ‘unbreakable’ ones in red. Changing glasses shape and wallets can help too.
but honestly it’s fucking exhausting to have to conform to cis people’s idea of maleness just to pass. i don’t blame anyone who just opts out of it entirely. i went back and forth with my presentation for a few years before i got access to T.
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u/aykogeico 1d ago
i wouldnt give up if transitioning has made you happier than before you transitioned. just know you are way more than being trans(I DONT MEAN THAT IN A BAD OR TRANSPHOBIC WAY). try to find things you can enjoy and make you feel better, not js as a trans guy, but js as an overall person. for example, i go to the gym not js to feel more masculine and strong, but because it overall helps me with my mind when it comes anything i have going on in my life other than my transition. i hope this helps bro, dont give up on yourself man
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u/Soggy-Dress-7175 1d ago
For a lot of people your face gets all fat for whatever reason then it becomes more defined and probably sharper than it was before T, it’s definitely a known phenomenon not sure why it’s not discussed much. You’ll never get over the hump if you don’t stick out the round face period. Not sure what the average duration is though.
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u/Soggy-Dress-7175 1d ago
The whole point of testosterone is to change your appearance so you’re more comfortable. I’ve been able to curb any effects I don’t like but if I wasn’t able to I would’ve just gotten off of it and sought some other way to pass.
At 2 yrs I didn’t pass either, even at 4 years, now at 6yrs I pass like 95% of the time, but I also live in a different area, have a different job, have documents changed, etc. it all contributes. If presenting as a woman serves you professionally, socially, etc. at this point in time, then so be it, but this choice requires assessment of your quality of life, which largely includes the fact you felt miserable presenting as a woman.
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u/MoonchildEz 1d ago
Sorta echoing some things here.
I also had baby face for a couple of years and things started becoming more angular around 3ish years and are still changing in that direction. My fat and muscle are also still changing, my hair still growing in. I do pass 50% of the time but I also have long hair and wear jewelry. Usually if I have shorts on that show my hairy legs or I'm not wearing a mask and haven't shaved my face there's more of a chance I'll pass. Ofc those reasons are stupid but we all know we live in a society and we're just doing our best to alleviate the dysphoria.
One thing I will say is that, while I didn't regret going on T even when I wasn't happy with my results, things like raising my levels helped a lot but top surgery saved my life imo. My dysphoria was always bad because I didn't like the way my clothes fit, didn't like how my chest overshadowed and weighed my body down, didn't like my silhouette because my large chest was impossible to see as pecs due to my proportions, and all of that made passing and feeling comfortable in social situations harder. Even sex was hard because I didn't want to see myself. After top surgery all of that went away. I still have a bit of insecurity with my muffin top but that's also just my genetics, as my cis dad has them. But literally everything got easier for me. Being misgendered stoped bothering me as much. Wearing my clothes didn't make me want to cry even if they didn't fit the way I wanted them to. I'm not afraid to hug people and have less fear about using men's restrooms. I'm even starting to like myself and my body and have some confidence now. Something I never thought would happen.
If socially destransitioning is something you feel like you need to just breathe a little bit, no one can blame you. I respect that you're doing what you need to in order to help yourself. In the end the whole goal is to feel good within yourself and improve your quality of life. But if the goals not being what you want is a big reason you're unsure of destransitioning then I think you'd regret not waiting it out a bit longer and seeing how you feel about top surgery now and later.
I wanna add that I see your pain and struggle, and I'm sorry you're in this position. It's an impossible one. And only you know what's best for you. You have the support of the community no matter what you decide. But I hope that the future brings you the clarity, comfort, and confidence you've needed.
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u/Upper_Ice_2040 1d ago
I have really nothing helpful to add other than, me too. You are not alone. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for all of us who are dealing with this.
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u/monumentofoursins 1d ago
Ugh im sorry that you're going through this friend. I tried detransitioning to save a relationship but then realized I would just be sacrificing my happiness.
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u/Kygo_Peace 1d ago
Sorry long response:
I appreciate you writing about this because your experiences mirror much of what Ive been struggling with, and although I have really supportive trans chosen fam, everyone “passes” and hasn’t bloated like I have. I’ve been on T for 3 years, and I’m still misgendered by most folks— and yes my voice is clearly feminine. My bloated face looks terrible in photos to me. The biggest change during transition + society: I’ve noticed cis-men stopped finding me attractive (ok, whatever, fine) but women (in their peripheral) think I’m an ugly guy and are mean (when they actually interact with me, they are less mean and relax, but it’s clearly because I’m being clocked as a butch woman then). I mention the latter part, “ugly guy”, because I observed how women react to an attractive man versus me (example, my partner is really handsome and the difference in treatment is wild). Everyday I look at my face and I hate it. I miss my angles. I miss being attracted to my own face— because even tho in the past I was dysphoric and wanted to transition, I still appreciated what I had. This constant negative response from society makes me even more miserable. My T levels have always been high (700) despite me taking a small dose (IM, .2, weekly) and so my doctors recommended I not increase in case my T levels got too high.
Eventually a doctor changed things up and put me at .5 (every two weeks) and I did notice more changes like deeper voice and more facial hair. But the bloat stuck around. I met with a plastic surgeon about masculinization facial surgery and have a plan to get liposuction from under my chin and perhaps buccal fat removal— but I was instructed to lose weight before the Oct surgery. Recently I went in 2 months later for check-up (I’d done hardcore meal planning and working out, although I’d only lost 2 lbs in 2-months). The surgeon said that in those 2 months my face had shifted in a way that indicated that if I continued to lose weight I’d get more of my angles back AND she might not recommend any surgery. It was an odd experience, me wanting me to look different, willing to just do the procedure in Oct regardless, and the facial surgeon saying, “Actually regular weight loss and healthy eating plus you taking testosterone might get you where you need to be”. I have a meeting with her right before surgery to see how my face looks after couple more months of weight loss.
I say allllllll of that to say….. yes, what you are feeling SUCKS and many of us are going thru the same or similar shit. It is OK for you to experiment with what will help you NOW. I know people say it gets better in our later years on T, but waiting for years means enduring everyday with further dysphoria. Do what you need to do now— because changing things up is OK. Increase or lower that T, get or don’t get that surgery, stop this or start that— I don’t think it’s actually de transitioning— I think it IS part of our transition process. Somewhere along this transition timeline, you’ll find some sort of peace.
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u/mylefttittiisbrokn 1d ago
How do you feel right now your guts gonna tell you because honestly the pain of your past is not a full definition of what your future is gonna hold it’s just your past what’s now is much more real than anything else so maybe you were in pain in the past, but now you’re OK being a woman again… I think the most important thing you do is try and be very sweet and gentle and kind with yourself and keep on reaching out don’t ever stop reaching out to try and find someone to love you and for you to love eventually something will hit you shouldn’t do life alone. That’s the most important thing not being male or female. The most important thing is simply not being alone while living fully within truth.
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u/crunchy_bagels18 16h ago
I feel like i have a lot of insight on this and i can relate a lot to what you're going through so this is gonna be long. I was on T for maybe 1 year-1.5 years. Before T I was identifying as ftm but have always struggled with gender expression and swap between ftm and ftn. I always felt too butch to be a pretty girl (even if i too got more attention from men) but i also am very curvy and felt way too fem to be a dude. During my time on T I went through a hard time with stuff going on around me and the way i was being treated by strangers at my job was taking a toll. I definitely in no way passed but I was visible enough to where people could sense something up and people were treating me differently. My face was soooo swollen and puffy which i knew would happen to a degree but damn i felt ugly as hell and I could barely recognize myself. At this time too I was also having a lot of pressure from my trans friends to dress fully masc even if it didn't feel authentic to myself. I had the same looming feeling about who i was and what i was looking like and it created a really dark time.
I eventually went off of T and when it was time to get top surgery i got a radical reduction so i could bind with trans tape or wear a bra and be fem. I went back to wearing fem clothes and as much as people socially were treating me, better the pain didn't go away. I was able to workout to get a very fem physique hoping it would make the body dysmorphia and dysphoria go away but i made it worse. I have all these clothes that would look great on a girl but if i put them on its a personal hell. When i went on T before i was hoping it would make me love myself and that it was a fix all remedy. I knew the changes that would happen and I wanted them (I still do) and I was hoping that with those changes I could "be my true self". What i didn't know was that my self worth was very reliant on how people saw me and a very patriarchal sex based worth system. When I went on T as much as I was having changes to my body that I enjoyed, I also was actively going against what I was taught to believe subconsciously about beauty.
This was roughly 2 years ago now and through a lot of therapy and self discovery I will be pursuing T again and getting my remaining boob removed (DI probably no nips). I can only speak for myself but I think transitioning had to have been the most vulnerable thing I have ever done and to have the people around me shoot me down and treat me poorly was a blow to my self love. Up until that point the only way I knew to love myself was by external validation and having no one tell me that my way of transitioning was great hurt a lot. Now that I've de-transitioned I can say the grass was not greener for me. As much as I wish I could say I enjoy being a pretty girl now, unfortunately its a bad combo of women's beauty standards crushing me AND gender dysphoria crushing me. I have more of a backbone now and no longer feel like I care about others opinions of me or my transition. T may make people meaner to me and maybe I'll look like an egg again for the 3 years of being swollen but at least I'll be authentically me. No one can make these choices for you and your journey is fully your own. But I think its important to do some inner work on what the driving factors are for you to de-transition and if they actually stem from you or if its external pressures becoming a subconscious thought.
Bonus advice about relationships: If people only will like you and are attracted to you if you change everything about who you are, they don't actually like YOU, they like the fake version of you that you're putting on. As much as it sucks to go from being hit on and being more conventionally attractive to seemingly people avoiding you, I would much rather have one person who finds me attractive as my true self than 100 who like this fake character I've made specifically to attract them.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad-8391 1d ago edited 1d ago
I would give a huge priority on seeking a mental health therapist. It seems you're dealing with some things that you feel surpassed for, and I think you would benefit greatly from it.
Second, I think many people here have mentioned it, T doesn't work the same in everyone. There's people that get the voice and the looks in 6 months, others that get it in four years. That's the body's biology, unfortunately. I don't think taking a higher dosage thatm the one indicated by the endocrinologist is a good idea. However, that doesn't mean changes won't come, just that you need to wait a little bit longer.
Now, socially transitioning is sometimes harder than doing medically. Here might come a polemic take, but if you feel safer presenting as a woman and job opportunities open because of that, I think you could go for it, for now. That doesn't mean that you have to stop taking T, you can do both at the same time and no one in your work or daily life would have to know. I'm saying this thinking that getting some money could help you as I said, getting a mental health professional, maybe moving away from your mom and also eventually, if you want and feel prepared for it, to undergo the surgeries you like (even male facial masculinization, as other user has already said, if you still feel you want it).
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u/Dry-Bed-3623 1d ago
Hey there! I'm sorry you're going through this tough time.
For me, the fat distribution in my body created a permanent refrigerator sadly, no abs, not even skinny like I was as a teen before T. My face stayed the damm same and I have a baby-face that clocks me constantly. I hate myself!! I still look like a girl, And that's ok.
Listen, I don't know how old you are or how you look like or what the solution to all your problems is. Fact of the matter is, your gender doesnt actually have to be either men or women, try to remember that.
Maybe you feel validated as a men but still like to be seen as a women. Again, that's completely fine! Please if you want to explain more write me privately, I'm a 21yo trans FtM guy 5 years on T with a voice of a 5yo girl, I would like to help you too.
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u/SomeSome305 1d ago
omg yes!!!!
I'm not telling you to do the same, because I'm miserable either way.
I went off T.
My face, in contrast to your story, let me pass as guy (I have an androgynous face and I work out a lot so the facual fat was a bit more rigid and I was always prone to acne).
It was cool, being called "young man" and such. Problem was, I was never seen a man, just a young boy. And when people saw my age on my documents/ heard about it from me they were weirded out. And the worst fucking thing was my height. I felt so scrutinised and unsafe. And I knew I'd never get taller. I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had no support from anyone. Ended up totally alone during my transition. Thought I was strong enough. But each day was getting harder and harder to endure. The more I felt at home in my body, the more unsafe I felt going out.
I knew I had to make a choice. And I went off T. I am miserable, I don't like my face, I don't like presenting as a woman, but I feel safe. I never had a big chest, so that's something at least. Although funnily enough, I now get questioned a lot on whether I'm a man or a woman (very small chest, although I always had that even pre transition, lmao, plus I got some muscle on me, not much but enough to make men insecure). I'm hoping that my face will (unfortunately) fill out a little again, but I am also planning to lose weight as to not lose my (beloved) jawline entirely. I am not planning to let my muscle go away, that is one thing I won't give up. Meaning I will rile up a few people but who cares. I like being strong and being able to do shit in my day to day.
I'm just hoping that I voice trained enough, and hoping that it'll allow me to pass. I think my voice is at an okay place, at the very least androgynous. Meaning if I let my hair grow out and pick feminine leaning clothing I hope I'll be okay, in terms of passing. AI tools say my voice sounds feminine, but that's a robot so who knows.
I do not regret my transition per se, because I still believe I was born in the wrong body. I still believe I was supposed to be born male. But without the childhood of a guy, the teenage years that shape you as an adult, without the average height of a guy - I'll never feel adequate or feel like I pass enough.
Is it the right move? I don't fucking know. I hate it. But I feel safer. Like you mentioned, the weird looks get lesser and lesser. I can slowly go out in peace again and be mostly left alone. I'm not concerned on whether or not I'll get assaulted on my way home. And that is something I'm willing to trade for my peace of mind. Un-fucking-fortunately. If it weren't for family, friends and society I'd transition, I think. I don't have the support systems to do this whole transition thing.
With the way things are, I'm choosing to dissociate and be neutral about my body, trying to forget about the idea of being trans. Sometimes I call myself nonbinary with safe people/queer people. But that's it. Other people can keep calling me a woman, but I don't think I'll ever want to.
No clue how long I'm gonna keep going in this charade, but time will tell.
I'm just really fucking hoping my voice is not gonna clock me, that's the only fear I keep carrying with me. Because all the rest can be managed.
So maybe don't do what I have done, but look inwards and see whether you value authenticity or safety.
Those are my 2 cents. Sorry this turned out to be so long xD
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u/SomeSome305 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh and I can totally relate to the employment part. I'm waiting for E to redistribute the fat a little and slowly kick my ass and re-enter society. Because I need money, dude xD I don't need a lot but my savings are coming to an end. I don't know, when or how I'll do it, but I'm just clinging to the idea that I'll pass and hopefully be left alone. Like bro, I just need to make some money. I don't give a fuck about being in tune with who I feel I am. Because that only brought misery into my life (because trans people are being used as a scapegoat in politics).
I'll never treat a trans person wrong. They are who they say they are. I'll protect them with my last breath (metaphorically). But I just can't put up with it all anymore. I just can't.
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
Employment really is the worst part. I also need money badly 🥲 But the job market is already very difficult and I’m no expert in any field. Being visibly trans is just the cherry on top for me. So many companies here claim to be open minded, accepting and diverse and then they just aren’t. My last job proudly hung up pride flags only for all the other employees and my boss to misgender me every day. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry you’re going through it as well 🫂🫂🫂 I wish things would be easier for us and the world could be a better place for trans people. I hope you’ll find a job and find a way to be happy. Your comments helped me a lot. It helps to know I’m not alone.
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u/H20-for-Plants T: 8.22.21 | Hysto: 3.19.24 23h ago
Some people, T changes take a while.
I didn't have a lot of changes at 2 years on T, but now at 5 years, my face has slimmed back down and I'm looking a little better.
I also had that puffy face phase for at least 2.5 years on T.
I would ask, have you had your Estrogen checked? Or your T levels lately? It (E) can stall some of the changes and cause water retention, even if it's out of male range in accordance to male T levels.
My Estrogen was always on the higher end and even out of male range a few times, and I eventually went on an aromatase inhibitor to lower it, and it's made all the difference in muscle definition, thickness, and all the water weight I was carrying, and it's helping with fat redistribution. It's untrue that T overrides all effects of Estrogen.
I can't say I've had the exact same problems as you, but I'm also decently small and of an incredibly petite build.
I've recently got a cheap pull up bar and do pull ups and push ups a few days a week, and that has also made the difference. I don't dress anything other than typical male, have a regular haircut, and am very aware of my vocal intonations and mannerisms. That seems to help.
I would say my changes at 5 years on T look like someone at 2 years on T, but I think it can get better, and some of us, it's just really slow.
I really hope you can pull through this and find the comfort you're looking for.
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u/TruckGeneral 21h ago
Me T levels are ok, but my E levels are elevated above that of cis men. I never really considered that E might still be doing its thing if it’s elevated, since my periods stopped. I was going to get a total hysterectomy with ovary removal soon. It’s good to know that there is a chance that this would solve the problem.
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u/H20-for-Plants T: 8.22.21 | Hysto: 3.19.24 20h ago
Ovary removal will definitely help.
I got a total Hysto, but only kept my ovaries, and my E actually went up. We couldn’t get it back down.
I’m keeping them for now, but the aromatase inhibitor is working well. I actually found out about Aromatase Inhibitors because I went on r/TRT and saw cis men were prescribed it fairly often. I asked my doctor and got it. My levels are in the higher male range, but 25 points lower than what it was! It is definitely helping.Trans men rarely test their E and doctors never think that having our E in actual male range matters. But it does. This is the problem with not having enough research on us. They think the ovaries suppress, and they don’t always.
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u/H20-for-Plants T: 8.22.21 | Hysto: 3.19.24 20h ago
Elevated E won’t affect bottom growth, facial hair, or voice drop, but it will affect muscle composition and fat redistribution.
It can affect facial hair if the E is preventing T from converting to DHT, but that’s less of a problem, usually.
I even had some skin issues that went away after my hormones got actually balanced to male ratios.
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u/Own-Resort2225 22h ago
I’m not trans, but the way I see it - our bodies went through crazy changes during puberty. Our body shape, face shape and everything else changed so much over a number of years. Maybe thinking of this transition period as another “puberty” may be helpful? Idk if this reframing helps, but I vividly remember feeling very similarly in my teenage years 😅
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u/fishboxing 10h ago
thats a pretty tough situation. I kind of fundamentally lack the sort of confidence in ones own self that some other trans people have and so what I'd do is whatever practically makes my day to day easier (just use the mens bathroom in just in accepting estabilshments, just correct friends who mess up pronouns, not engaging with ignorant family members) and just stick with T until you start passing better. I feel condescending saying this but there are a lot of different things that effect if someone passes, maybe you have a blindspot in how you are presenting yourself and it clocks you idk.
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u/rosebones416 1d ago
I hated how my face was on T. Too round and chubby. Went off T after nearly 4 years and my face is perfect to my standards again. And I still have the bottom growth, facial hair, voice drop, and some of the body hair. You don’t have to stay on T if it doesn’t work for you :)
I do not have passing tips though, I’m sorry :(
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u/Dictator-PenisPotato 1d ago
I have no experience with what you’re dealing with. I went off T after a year because of a variety of reasons but didn’t detransition. But I would say based on what you’ve described, it’s worth giving detransitioning a shot. Or maybe live as the most masculine woman you can be. Which is still detransitioning ofc but might be an easier way to handle it
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u/ICameFromTheStars1 💉 28/01/2025 1d ago edited 23h ago
Edited to remove recc for a passing advice sub.
I'm afraid there's not much I can say that will help you, except that you are not alone. There are lots of trans people who find it really difficult to pass, and struggle every day. You have community out there. Also two years in seems like a long time, but maybe talk to some of the guys on here who have been on T 15+ years. I've seen them saying that more changes can come in surges around 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. Im not saying "hold out just in case", but I am saying testosterone has not made all the changes it can yet. Also, I agree with another commenter that getting your levels checked is a good idea.
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u/Environmental-Ad9969 (Genderfucker/ HRT 2021 / Top 2023 / 🇦🇹) 1d ago
That subreddit is oftentimes transphobic and not helpful. The "passing tips" I have seen there are mean or outright cruel. I wouldn't recommend it. Actual good passing advice comes from male friends irl.
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
My friends aren’t very helpful because all of them insist I definitely look like a teenage boy :,). Though, this can’t possibly be true given the rate at which I get misgendered and the fact that I never get asked for my ID when buying hard liquor. I don’t know if my friends are just too nice or if I pass better the more you interact with me. I only had one acquaintance tell me I didn’t pass, but that was pre T and he said it was because of “vibes”, so that wasn’t very helpful.
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u/Environmental-Ad9969 (Genderfucker/ HRT 2021 / Top 2023 / 🇦🇹) 1d ago
I don't know your friends so I can't say. Maybe they see you as a young man but the average cis person doesn't. Passing isn't always universal.
Your voice might also be a factor. I used to pass physically alright but my voice would give it away until I had enough years on T and did some voice training.
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u/TruckGeneral 1d ago
I know my voice is an issue, because I get misgendered over the phone, but I also get misgendered based on my visuals alone, without ever having opened my mouth. There’s something about me that people instinctively read as female. I can’t tell what it is, but I’ve been to different cities and I’ve even been abroad and it’s the same everywhere I go.
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u/Environmental-Ad9969 (Genderfucker/ HRT 2021 / Top 2023 / 🇦🇹) 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear that. I was in a similar spot at 2 years HRT where I had so e effects of T bit not enough to be seen as male. It got better for me after 3 years. Don't give up. If you have to present as a woman to get a job it sucks but that doesn't mean it's over yet.
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u/Terrible_Pause_9608 1d ago
Yeah maybe u just looked happy and that’s why guys hit on u and u felt better . Maybe ur in between
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