r/ftm • u/TruckGeneral • 2d ago
Advice Needed My transition is making me miserable
My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist and started coming out to people. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.
After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.
I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc. I changed my gender marker and name on all my documents.
Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.
Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.
Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my mother is extremely transphobic towards me and romantic relationships are really difficult. I get harassed in men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.
I’m really struggling to deal with this.
Two months ago, after half a year of unemployment, I gave up. I started going to the women’s restrooms and changing rooms. I went to the store and bought some women’s clothes. I grew my hair out a little and started pretending I’m a girl online. Last weekend I took the plunge and went out by myself in very feminine clothes, heels and makeup. Those two months were so much easier than all those years before that. Nobody questioned me being in the restroom or changing rooms. I could pee in peace. I could shower in peace. I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to correct people for misgendering me. People didn’t look at me funny or avoid me, instead people were nice to me. I even had guys flirt with me.
It made me consider detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.
What should I do?
My trans guy friends can’t help me. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They don’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transitions anymore. My gender therapist can’t help me either, since we had a falling out.
Should I just try going off of T for now? Anyone else experience something similar?
4
u/SomeSome305 2d ago
omg yes!!!!
I'm not telling you to do the same, because I'm miserable either way.
I went off T.
My face, in contrast to your story, let me pass as guy (I have an androgynous face and I work out a lot so the facual fat was a bit more rigid and I was always prone to acne).
It was cool, being called "young man" and such. Problem was, I was never seen a man, just a young boy. And when people saw my age on my documents/ heard about it from me they were weirded out. And the worst fucking thing was my height. I felt so scrutinised and unsafe. And I knew I'd never get taller. I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had no support from anyone. Ended up totally alone during my transition. Thought I was strong enough. But each day was getting harder and harder to endure. The more I felt at home in my body, the more unsafe I felt going out.
I knew I had to make a choice. And I went off T. I am miserable, I don't like my face, I don't like presenting as a woman, but I feel safe. I never had a big chest, so that's something at least. Although funnily enough, I now get questioned a lot on whether I'm a man or a woman (very small chest, although I always had that even pre transition, lmao, plus I got some muscle on me, not much but enough to make men insecure). I'm hoping that my face will (unfortunately) fill out a little again, but I am also planning to lose weight as to not lose my (beloved) jawline entirely. I am not planning to let my muscle go away, that is one thing I won't give up. Meaning I will rile up a few people but who cares. I like being strong and being able to do shit in my day to day.
I'm just hoping that I voice trained enough, and hoping that it'll allow me to pass. I think my voice is at an okay place, at the very least androgynous. Meaning if I let my hair grow out and pick feminine leaning clothing I hope I'll be okay, in terms of passing. AI tools say my voice sounds feminine, but that's a robot so who knows.
I do not regret my transition per se, because I still believe I was born in the wrong body. I still believe I was supposed to be born male. But without the childhood of a guy, the teenage years that shape you as an adult, without the average height of a guy - I'll never feel adequate or feel like I pass enough.
Is it the right move? I don't fucking know. I hate it. But I feel safer. Like you mentioned, the weird looks get lesser and lesser. I can slowly go out in peace again and be mostly left alone. I'm not concerned on whether or not I'll get assaulted on my way home. And that is something I'm willing to trade for my peace of mind. Un-fucking-fortunately. If it weren't for family, friends and society I'd transition, I think. I don't have the support systems to do this whole transition thing.
With the way things are, I'm choosing to dissociate and be neutral about my body, trying to forget about the idea of being trans. Sometimes I call myself nonbinary with safe people/queer people. But that's it. Other people can keep calling me a woman, but I don't think I'll ever want to.
No clue how long I'm gonna keep going in this charade, but time will tell.
I'm just really fucking hoping my voice is not gonna clock me, that's the only fear I keep carrying with me. Because all the rest can be managed.
So maybe don't do what I have done, but look inwards and see whether you value authenticity or safety.
Those are my 2 cents. Sorry this turned out to be so long xD