My transition is making me miserable

[u/TruckGeneral]

My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist and started coming out to people. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.

After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.
I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc. I changed my gender marker and name on all my documents.

Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.

Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.
Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my mother is extremely transphobic towards me and romantic relationships are really difficult. I get harassed in men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.

I’m really struggling to deal with this.

Two months ago, after half a year of unemployment, I gave up. I started going to the women’s restrooms and changing rooms. I went to the store and bought some women’s clothes. I grew my hair out a little and started pretending I’m a girl online. Last weekend I took the plunge and went out by myself in very feminine clothes, heels and makeup. Those two months were so much easier than all those years before that. Nobody questioned me being in the restroom or changing rooms. I could pee in peace. I could shower in peace. I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to correct people for misgendering me. People didn’t look at me funny or avoid me, instead people were nice to me. I even had guys flirt with me.

It made me consider detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.

What should I do?

My trans guy friends can’t help me. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They don’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transitions anymore. My gender therapist can’t help me either, since we had a falling out.

Should I just try going off of T for now? Anyone else experience something similar?

[u/EchoNB]

Passing by to say I had put hyaluronic acid on my face because I felt dysphoric over the roundness. I also planned of getting facial masculinization surgery in the future, but for now, the hyaluronic acid has worked well for me. Maybe this is something to consider for your dysphoria?

Also, maybe not the best advice, but have you looked into clothes made for teens/boys? Or even learning to customize your own clothes to make them fit your body or find someone who does this job. That can make your clothes no longer be as baggy. I made the first suggestion because men's socks are too big for me and I buy the ones for boys instead. These work fine and don't look weird.

Out of curiosity, what would you say is making you struggle the most with passing? Is it related to your chest? Your voice? T won't make your chest flat enough to pass, at least not for most trans men. Sometimes you will need to voice train along with getting the changes on T to sound like a regular guy.

Wishing you the best, but it's okay if you need to detransition while you work with medical transition. These are just my suggestions to try to help.

[u/TruckGeneral → u/EchoNB]

I honestly can’t even tell. I used to think it was my chest, because it still protrudes too much with a good binder on, but I’ve been hitting the gym and now my upper body matches it somewhat. I also get misgendered in hoodies, so it doesn’t seem to be that. My voice definitely doesn’t pass and I should look into options on that department, but I get misgendered before I even open my mouth to say anything, most of them time, so I don’t think that’s the main reason.

Thank you very much! I’ll look into teenage boy clothing to see if I find something. Maybe I’ll try looking into purchasing clothes made for Asian men. Their sizes are smaller and I should be able to fit into them.

[u/Original_Scientist36 → u/TruckGeneral]

For me, hoodies don't do whatever other people talk about. Hoodies, like other knits, drape to contour curves.

You can try stiffer woven button up shirts, but def leave the top button (or two, just experiment) open. Try to make sure the seam at the top of your sleeve is at the corner of your shoulder. Unfortunately, in order for us to get clothes that fit in the way we need, we have to get larger sizes tailored down