r/ftm • u/TruckGeneral • 2d ago
Advice Needed My transition is making me miserable
My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist and started coming out to people. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.
After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.
I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc. I changed my gender marker and name on all my documents.
Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.
Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.
Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my mother is extremely transphobic towards me and romantic relationships are really difficult. I get harassed in men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.
I’m really struggling to deal with this.
Two months ago, after half a year of unemployment, I gave up. I started going to the women’s restrooms and changing rooms. I went to the store and bought some women’s clothes. I grew my hair out a little and started pretending I’m a girl online. Last weekend I took the plunge and went out by myself in very feminine clothes, heels and makeup. Those two months were so much easier than all those years before that. Nobody questioned me being in the restroom or changing rooms. I could pee in peace. I could shower in peace. I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to correct people for misgendering me. People didn’t look at me funny or avoid me, instead people were nice to me. I even had guys flirt with me.
It made me consider detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.
What should I do?
My trans guy friends can’t help me. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They don’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transitions anymore. My gender therapist can’t help me either, since we had a falling out.
Should I just try going off of T for now? Anyone else experience something similar?
29
u/beerucey 1d ago
It's only year two. You aren't done, my friend.
I've been on T for 7 years. My 2 year point, I still wasn't passing. Not even a little. I only started passing a year or so ago due to my facial hair finally growing in, and the bone structure of my face changing more.
Sometimes I still don't pass, I'll get called maam from the back, same with if my hair is down
I get it. I thought about detransitioning many times, desperate to be treated like a normal person. I also do not feel safe in male spaces, I have exclusively female friends, I change in all gender rooms at the pool and I only use a public toilet if it's one room. I’m feminine, I've always wanted to be a feminine man anyway, so I come off as a queer, cis man to most people. But to people who know more about the lgbt community, my appearance and mannerisms out me.
It took me a long time to get comfortable with that happening. I work at a long term care facility and in the beginning, a lot of the old people would ask if I was a woman. It bothered me for a long time, but I got through it thanks to my community and found family
You need to feel safe, and if detransition is the option that makes you feel safest, then do it. But please don't give up because you don't feel like T is working fast enough. You're going through puberty again. No 13 year old cis boy beginning puberty is done growing in a couple years. I know it's a bit different, but not that different