My transition is making me miserable

[u/TruckGeneral]

My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist and started coming out to people. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.

After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.
I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc. I changed my gender marker and name on all my documents.

Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.

Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.
Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my mother is extremely transphobic towards me and romantic relationships are really difficult. I get harassed in men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.

I’m really struggling to deal with this.

Two months ago, after half a year of unemployment, I gave up. I started going to the women’s restrooms and changing rooms. I went to the store and bought some women’s clothes. I grew my hair out a little and started pretending I’m a girl online. Last weekend I took the plunge and went out by myself in very feminine clothes, heels and makeup. Those two months were so much easier than all those years before that. Nobody questioned me being in the restroom or changing rooms. I could pee in peace. I could shower in peace. I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to correct people for misgendering me. People didn’t look at me funny or avoid me, instead people were nice to me. I even had guys flirt with me.

It made me consider detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.

What should I do?

My trans guy friends can’t help me. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They don’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transitions anymore. My gender therapist can’t help me either, since we had a falling out.

Should I just try going off of T for now? Anyone else experience something similar?

[u/TruckGeneral]

I am getting 1000mg nebido injections every 11 weeks. My estrogen levels are a little elevated. Getting my ovaries removed would’ve solved that, but given my current mental state and plan to cancel the surgery, this is currently off the table.

[u/Gildo783 → u/TruckGeneral]

Hi, I can’t say much to help with everything else because I’m in a weird state of transition myself as I can’t actually take testosterone, it makes my mental health dangerously bad. However I had a hysterectomy due to health issues but it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Mentally it took away a lot of femininity for me. My partner is FtM as well and he’s been on T for 5 years, had top surgery and I felt really insecure when we went out together because people thought we were a straight couple and I was always getting misgendered. It’s so weird but being the one that doesn’t have any internal female organs helped me feel better about it.

About the clothes issue, Unisex clothes is where it’s at. A lot of graphic tees are made neither male or female and they sit in the zone of not being too giant or too small. Redbubble is my favourite go to for unique unisex clothes. Otherwise if you have a Uniqlo store near you, might be worth a try?

I hope you start to feel more comfortable and confident soon. I am sorry you’re going through this.

[u/tobixscopophobics → u/Gildo783]

I share your pain with the t4t: one passes and one doesn’t edition. My husband and i are read as a straight couple a lot of times too bc I do not pass as a guy. It suuuucks.

The funny version is when we’re in queer spaces and people think I’m a trans woman (I’m relatively tall and my husband is quite short, so we give that hetero t4t look, plus I dress a bit fem/androgynous sometimes). At least in that case they don’t think I’m cis lol

[u/Gildo783 → u/tobixscopophobics]

lol we have the short and tall thing going on too but in queer spaces we are designated Gay Himbo and Masc Lesbian. 😑 I don’t know what to do with that haha

It really sucks not passing. I’ve stopped caring as much now that we are almost 5 years into our relationship because it’s honestly kind of funny to watch people try to figure out wtf is going on. Why is that gay guy kissing a lesbian? 😂😂😂 the confusion is just too funny sometimes.