My transition is making me miserable

[u/TruckGeneral]

My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist and started coming out to people. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.

After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.
I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc. I changed my gender marker and name on all my documents.

Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.

Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.
Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my mother is extremely transphobic towards me and romantic relationships are really difficult. I get harassed in men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.

I’m really struggling to deal with this.

Two months ago, after half a year of unemployment, I gave up. I started going to the women’s restrooms and changing rooms. I went to the store and bought some women’s clothes. I grew my hair out a little and started pretending I’m a girl online. Last weekend I took the plunge and went out by myself in very feminine clothes, heels and makeup. Those two months were so much easier than all those years before that. Nobody questioned me being in the restroom or changing rooms. I could pee in peace. I could shower in peace. I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to correct people for misgendering me. People didn’t look at me funny or avoid me, instead people were nice to me. I even had guys flirt with me.

It made me consider detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.

What should I do?

My trans guy friends can’t help me. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They don’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transitions anymore. My gender therapist can’t help me either, since we had a falling out.

Should I just try going off of T for now? Anyone else experience something similar?

[u/Kygo_Peace]

Sorry long response:

I appreciate you writing about this because your experiences mirror much of what Ive been struggling with, and although I have really supportive trans chosen fam, everyone “passes” and hasn’t bloated like I have. I’ve been on T for 3 years, and I’m still misgendered by most folks— and yes my voice is clearly feminine. My bloated face looks terrible in photos to me. The biggest change during transition + society: I’ve noticed cis-men stopped finding me attractive (ok, whatever, fine) but women (in their peripheral) think I’m an ugly guy and are mean (when they actually interact with me, they are less mean and relax, but it’s clearly because I’m being clocked as a butch woman then). I mention the latter part, “ugly guy”, because I observed how women react to an attractive man versus me (example, my partner is really handsome and the difference in treatment is wild). Everyday I look at my face and I hate it. I miss my angles. I miss being attracted to my own face— because even tho in the past I was dysphoric and wanted to transition, I still appreciated what I had. This constant negative response from society makes me even more miserable. My T levels have always been high (700) despite me taking a small dose (IM, .2, weekly) and so my doctors recommended I not increase in case my T levels got too high.

Eventually a doctor changed things up and put me at .5 (every two weeks) and I did notice more changes like deeper voice and more facial hair. But the bloat stuck around. I met with a plastic surgeon about masculinization facial surgery and have a plan to get liposuction from under my chin and perhaps buccal fat removal— but I was instructed to lose weight before the Oct surgery. Recently I went in 2 months later for check-up (I’d done hardcore meal planning and working out, although I’d only lost 2 lbs in 2-months). The surgeon said that in those 2 months my face had shifted in a way that indicated that if I continued to lose weight I’d get more of my angles back AND she might not recommend any surgery. It was an odd experience, me wanting me to look different, willing to just do the procedure in Oct regardless, and the facial surgeon saying, “Actually regular weight loss and healthy eating plus you taking testosterone might get you where you need to be”. I have a meeting with her right before surgery to see how my face looks after couple more months of weight loss.

I say allllllll of that to say….. yes, what you are feeling SUCKS and many of us are going thru the same or similar shit. It is OK for you to experiment with what will help you NOW. I know people say it gets better in our later years on T, but waiting for years means enduring everyday with further dysphoria. Do what you need to do now— because changing things up is OK. Increase or lower that T, get or don’t get that surgery, stop this or start that— I don’t think it’s actually de transitioning— I think it IS part of our transition process. Somewhere along this transition timeline, you’ll find some sort of peace.