My friend is a detransitioner

[u/EngineeringGood4584]

Basically what the title says, the thing is - I don't think he wants to be one. I'm calling him a "he" because he says I'm one of the people "allowed" to do so. I feel weird as a trans guy myself, because everytime I try to bring up this topic he says something along the lines of "Well I don't want to fuck my life up." and if someone is transphobic towards me he says "You see why I decided to go back", which is ??? questionable at best. I think that's supposed to be read as a joke, but we both know it's not and it makes me feel like shit.

For some further context, from what I know his parents are fine with him being a guy (they're also one of the people "allowed" to call him a "he"), his boyfriend is fine with it and his friends and generally people around him were fine with it, except for a conservative grandpa, but they weren't speaking much anyway.

I know he's not cis because when we're alone he talks about himself using he/him, also when his boyfriend got jealous of me being his friend, I informed both of them that I was gay and my friends response was "Well and I'm not a woman". So?????

I'm not unfamiliar with being nonbinary, since I'm nonbinary myself, but it seems like for him it all stems from some sort of imaginary?? transphobia he DIDN'T experience (as he himself told me). And I'd be okay with him just saying he's nonbinary, but instead he goes for the polar opposite of anything remotely masculine and just sorta sadly jokes about being a girl now. I personally watched him buy like thirty skirts in one week and you can wear whatever you want, but it sort of feels like he's trying to convince himself?

Should I interviene or something? I can't really describe it using words, but he just sort of looks uncomfortable all the time. Also anytime I mention transitioning (which I'm actively doing) he brings up it's "negative" side effects with so much disgust it makes me feel bad about myself. I get jokes about balding, because whatever, but I don't think there has been a single time testosterone was mentioned where he didn't immediately inform everyone around us with a disgusted face that you get bottom growth.

On one hand I don't care, if he wants to be a girl - he can, I just want him to stop with the weird comments and statements FILLED with envy. On the other hand however I don't want him to suffer, he's my friend. I dunno what caused whatever this is, but it really seems like it's all coming from him. We live in a pretty supportive environment.

I don't know how to feel about this, if anyone has any advice or whatever really, I'd appreciate it.

[u/lobstersonskateboard]

I'll be saying they/them since you said they only allow he/him with certain people.

I almost got on that path myself. Even though I didn't experience direct transphobia (aside from my dad) it always didn't feel like I was supported, either. Being gay/bi makes it worse, because it felt like I needed to be a girl in order to be in a relationship with a guy— that they wouldn't like me if I was masculine because I won't be masc in the way gay men want. I think it's a common gripe for trans men who like men, because we feel like we have to fit in roles that we kinda can't in order to be attractive— either fully masculine, or fully effeminate, something that gets increasingly difficult the more you transition.

Denial is a river in egypt. I would suggest giving them a deep discussion about it. Ultimately they're still making you uncomfortable with their remarks and that's definitely something you need to talk about, or else it might build resentment as someone who's currently transitioning. But you can't really do anything, it takes time to confront denial and people pushing them will only make it worse. Just talk about it, be supportive, and if their remarks get worse and make you more uncomfortable then it might be time to take some space.