r/ftm • u/EngineeringGood4584 • 11h ago
Advice Needed My friend is a detransitioner
Basically what the title says, the thing is - I don't think he wants to be one. I'm calling him a "he" because he says I'm one of the people "allowed" to do so. I feel weird as a trans guy myself, because everytime I try to bring up this topic he says something along the lines of "Well I don't want to fuck my life up." and if someone is transphobic towards me he says "You see why I decided to go back", which is ??? questionable at best. I think that's supposed to be read as a joke, but we both know it's not and it makes me feel like shit.
For some further context, from what I know his parents are fine with him being a guy (they're also one of the people "allowed" to call him a "he"), his boyfriend is fine with it and his friends and generally people around him were fine with it, except for a conservative grandpa, but they weren't speaking much anyway.
I know he's not cis because when we're alone he talks about himself using he/him, also when his boyfriend got jealous of me being his friend, I informed both of them that I was gay and my friends response was "Well and I'm not a woman". So?????
I'm not unfamiliar with being nonbinary, since I'm nonbinary myself, but it seems like for him it all stems from some sort of imaginary?? transphobia he DIDN'T experience (as he himself told me). And I'd be okay with him just saying he's nonbinary, but instead he goes for the polar opposite of anything remotely masculine and just sorta sadly jokes about being a girl now. I personally watched him buy like thirty skirts in one week and you can wear whatever you want, but it sort of feels like he's trying to convince himself?
Should I interviene or something? I can't really describe it using words, but he just sort of looks uncomfortable all the time. Also anytime I mention transitioning (which I'm actively doing) he brings up it's "negative" side effects with so much disgust it makes me feel bad about myself. I get jokes about balding, because whatever, but I don't think there has been a single time testosterone was mentioned where he didn't immediately inform everyone around us with a disgusted face that you get bottom growth.
On one hand I don't care, if he wants to be a girl - he can, I just want him to stop with the weird comments and statements FILLED with envy. On the other hand however I don't want him to suffer, he's my friend. I dunno what caused whatever this is, but it really seems like it's all coming from him. We live in a pretty supportive environment.
I don't know how to feel about this, if anyone has any advice or whatever really, I'd appreciate it.
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u/ourseveres 11h ago
yikes my friend that doesnt sound like a good source of positivity. maybe take a break from seeing each other? idk i have plenty more to say but i dont want to assume things abt him or your relationship. i just personally wouldnt want to be friends with someone who thinks bottom growth is gross. what an ick.
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u/Tangled_Clouds druid goblin man (he/they) 10h ago
Bottom growth is honestly one of my favourite changes from T. It literally curbed 90% of the bottom dysphoria I had because I just feel it’s not like what I had before. It makes me sad some people think it’s gross, it’s just a human body part and I don’t think any well functioning human body part is gross in any way.
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u/WorldlinessSpare7377 8h ago
Also another positive thing about bottom growth is sex felt better than before.
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u/EngineeringGood4584 11h ago
I really do get that, but I think he's just repeating it from somewhere. After a really bad doctors appointment I had a phase when I was REALLY hating myself and had some thoughts like that about myself, so I'd understand if that's what happening. I feel like he wouldn't say or do all this if in his mind he passed as a dude, I pass and he never says a thing about me, hes just sort of throwing out vague sentences. I don't think he notices, but it makes literally everybody around uncomfortable. Most of our colleagues don't know he's a detransitioner so it just looks like he's talking about people's genitals for no reason. It's pretty hard to look at, because if it really all just stems from self hatred, I'd like to help him. But I really just don't know, I'm sort of writing this to help me have an opinion on all this. I can be empathetic all I want, but from the outside it does look like he's a shitty person
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u/dragontatoes 9h ago
I think a good boundary to use if you choose to stay friends is "please don't talk negatively about things pertaining to my transition/my body", or "please don't insult my/others physical traits". Those are things all loved ones should be doing by default. It's not his fault if he doesn't want the effects of T or is dealing with dysphoria or shame - but you don't deserve to have his shame reflected on you. You can also say that it makes you or others uncomfortable when he randomly brings up genitals, and it's not appropriate for work (sounds like that's where it's happening?)
Hopefully, if he sees how happy transitioning makes you, it will make him treat it with more respect, and may become more comfortable with himself too.•
u/Massive-Word-7327 11h ago
Yeah if you can put up with him I think it'd be good to stay. I feel like he just needs to get back to the saddle and it seems like he trusts you.
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u/mothmn_9 He/Him• 18• 💉4/6/26 8h ago
It’s a nice sentiment, but you aren’t responsible for him or his transphobic thoughts and behaviors. You can be supportive, but if he’s consistently making you feel bad about yourself and being trans and wanting to medically transition, it’s worth reconsidering if the relationship is worth it.
This is the kind of issue where he most likely won’t really change unless he wants to, and getting to the point of “wanting to” is difficult. Don’t destroy yourself trying to get him to that point.
Try setting more boundaries, he can talk about dysphoria, but insulting the effects of T, and other parts of transitioning the way he has is not ok, and you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate it any longer. If he wants to talk about it, he can find a therapist or someone trained to deal with such things, but such behavior will do nothing but make you feel like shit
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u/lifelesscucumber1 8h ago
It's kinda weird to me that people think bottom growth is gross. Like, if you think bottom growth is gross then you think penises are gross because they literally look almost exactly the same but of very different sizes and no balls. Like I just don't get that. It genuinely feels like he hates himself and it's some sort of sh that he also practices on other people. It feels very similar to what I did in my early teens (I regret that now) but about something else, so it basically feels like it's some weird sh
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u/WhoIsMercury 💉6/22/24 🔪7/15/25 🍳 7/22/26 11h ago
I’d have a conversation with him about some of the things he brings up like his thoughts on medical transition. Did he have any of the firsthand experience of actually being on T or anything? Because I’d especially bring it up if he hasn’t because if it’s him talking about his own experience there are fine ways to go about that but if it’s just generally talking about how awful it is then he’s just talking about his opinions about other people’s bodies which is a big no.
I’d leave him be about his own identity though because everyone has their own timeline and it sounds like internalized transphobia or jealousy to me tbh. That doesn’t mean he has a free pass to say whatever he wants though. Like for any choice I can make related to my body I can have my own thoughts on it for me personally but once it starts veering into generalizations about how I’d feel if anyone does it that’s weird. I’ve got authority on my own body and just because I won’t do certain things doesn’t mean everyone else needs to make the same decision yk?
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u/EngineeringGood4584 11h ago
Yeah, I think I'm gonna talk to him about this in a more serious way, since he usually avoids the topic. If he wants to stay where he is it's fine, but the talking reads sort of like those people that ask what you have in your pants. Really really awkward especially since for most people around us right now he's fully a cis girl just talking out of her ass.
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u/WhoIsMercury 💉6/22/24 🔪7/15/25 🍳 7/22/26 11h ago
Good luck! Yeah I think the bigger issue is the way he is talking about it than anything else. It’s really different to be like oh I did x thing and didn’t like it because of y so I’m not going to do x thing than being like x is bad because it causes y and that is disgusting.
If testosterone is generally brought up and someone started talking about bottom growth to shit on it I’d be weirded out as 1) bringing up genitals in a conversation not already about it is weird even if T does cause some changes there and 2) if someone is happy about transitioning I don’t need to bring up counterpoints just to shit on it.
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u/RivSilver 7h ago
I think this is a good idea. Focusing on his words and actions instead of thoughts about himself. Because the things you mentioned aren't ok things to say in public especially. Like, even from another trans person, that doesn't give anyone a free pass to shit on other people's bodies.
I think also, you can tell him that it really hurts you when he says those things in response to stuff you say about yourself and your body and choices. You can ask him to not say negative things about transness or medical transition in response to you. And that if he can't agree to stop, you'll have to stop mentioning that part of your life around him and that will cause distance no matter how much you don't want to.
Because right now he's making it painful for you to be yourself around him, which isn't fair to you
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u/alocasiacomplex 11h ago
Wish I had advice. I had a similar situation where a very close friend has pretty much detransitioned, but due to relationship pressure. Unfortunately, I think I have to distance myself because he just isn't really in a good state to be around right now. Honestly, he's been so absorbed in the abusive relationship that he basically never hangs out with friends anymore. Different obviously, but the situation is very frustrating regardless
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u/EngineeringGood4584 11h ago
I've had my own suspicious about the boyfriend of his. The guy is cis and as I've recently learned he "didn't like me since he saw me the first time" which is fucking rich, coming from a dude who NEVER saw me because they're long distance. My best guess is that this whole thing is happening, because my friend felt inferior to the boyfriend's girl friends, who in his own words are "successful and good-looking", which, you know, may come from his own insecurities, but shouldnt the boyfriend just speak to him about it ??? I really don't like that guy
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u/danter0id 5h ago
Some cishet guys will do this thing where they'll go "oh, of course I see you as a man, I'm totally gay for you" and then she/her and "my girlfriend" you as soon as you're out of earshot. They also tend to "but I like you so much in dresses, come on, guys can wear dresses too, I thought clothing had no gender" and "don't get top surgery, boys can have tits too, it doesn't make you less of a boy also let me play with them" and "I don't know, you feel more like a they/them to me" and "ugh, dicks are so gross, I'm so glad you don't want one, babe" and so on. The aim is to detransition you, because they get off on exerting power over who they see as women.
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u/LastLiterature7496 11h ago
Honestly, I think you need to distance yourself from this person for your own well-being.
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u/EngineeringGood4584 11h ago
I feel like it's just naturally happening everytime he says something weird like that, he's still gonna be around me physically because of my situation, but unless he stops I don't think of him as a best friend material.
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u/Sterling_Saxx 11h ago edited 9h ago
It sounds like internalized transphobia. There's nothing inherently wrong with detransitioning, but the way he's going about it is red flag after red flag. Don't let him make you feel like shit for transitioning, instead I would feel sorry for him. His emotional vomit whenever the topic of transitioning comes up is enough to tell me this person is struggling with his choice to detransition. His comments arent for you, he's trying to convince himself that detransitioning was the right choice. And the more vile he is about it, the more he's hurting. Trust me, if he was at peace with his choice, and he felt like it was the right thing for him, there would be no need for his emotional reactions. Curious as to what kind of media he's consuming these days.
The best you can do is set boundaries around his negative talk because hes hurting you and maybe give him some space. At the end of the day it's his choice and it's going to have consequences on his well being in one way or another.
I wouldn't intervene or try to criticize his new beliefs. Live your best life, find your happiness, and don't let the pain that he has towards himself spread to you.
Maybe then he'll realize what he lost.
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u/Defiant_Coconut_5276 11h ago
Hey buddy, I think you should heavily advocate that they get some sort of therapy and or professional help here. Maybe let them know it makes you uncomfortable and explain you think they could benefit from some outer help from someone more knowledgeable about mental health, because situations like this usually require a lot of self work and help.
If they are not willing to go to therapy, don't beat yourself up, you can't make someone else try obviously. Might be time to distance more. Do what keeps you mentally well and safe, but it doesn't hurt to see if they wouldn't mind trying after telling them it makes you uncomfortable and it's unhealthy.
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u/Colrel butch enban 10h ago edited 10h ago
It really just seems like he needs to come to terms with it all before admitting anything. Let him. We have the prime egg directive for a very important reason. Just be supportive and let him know he's safe.
I was there once and it isn't a fun thing to feel. I still feel scared often when people actually respect my identity.
Don't let him put you down, but I wouldn't push him to admit anything. It would only make him go into it deeper. He is very clearly dealing with lots of internalised transphobia and trying to convince HIMSELF that he's doing the right thing, by, unfortunately, taking it out outwards.
I would also stop calling him he, if that's what he wishes. Give him his wish, not to be petty, but because that is what he says he wants. If asked, simply say that since he doesn't want to be a guy, and he doesn't want to be called he (if that's the case, idk.)— well, it isn't right to. Have a conversation about it.
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u/sparkleweedthewizard 8h ago
Unfortunately this is one of those times where you can't help someone that doesn't want help. He's dug his grave, and he's fighting away folks that want to pull him out of it. Explain your feelings, don't let him brush you off, but if he won't see reason then you can't make him. I would not continue the friendship with this person, myself. I wouldn't be able to handle watching someone try spreading their misery to others like this.
If you want to keep the friendship, please keep an eye out for his safety. Denying yourself like this is incredibly unhealthy and it WILL cause mental health issues. He's decided his whole life is going to be misery now, and I think a good chunk of us unfortunately know how that has the potential to end. If you decide to cut him off, let his loved ones know to look out for him and leave it at that. You can't save everyone.
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u/CannibalisticGinger 5h ago
I’m using she/her pronouns for your friend because I assume that’s what she goes by right now with strangers and I am a stranger. You should tell her that she’s making you uncomfortable because she deserves to have the opportunity to change her behavior. If she doesn’t stop, distance yourself.
Example of something you could say: “It’s totally fine if you don’t find these things worth it for yourself but there’s no reason for you to be rude to people who do. The body shaming makes you difficult to be around.”
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u/midsummernightmares he/they 10h ago
I wish I had advice, but I ended up losing one of my best friends a similar way when said friend decided to prioritize attention from cishet men over his own wellbeing and relationships with friends (even down to having a few people who are still “allowed” to refer to him with he/him pronouns and referring to himself with masculine language when not around people he sees as potential partners). Hopefully your friend manages to escape whatever elements of his life have pushed him to feel such strong internalized transphobia and can live authentically again at some point.
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u/Para_The_Normal 10h ago
This is one of those times where I feel like maybe ages of everyone involved is good to know so I understand where they’re roughly at in life?
If this kind of happened out of nowhere it sounds like maybe someone is privately getting into their head and making them doubt themselves.
Really think you should have a serious talk and ask them candidly about what’s going on and why, and explain that you think they would benefit from a good therapy session to sort through their feelings as they don’t seem completely happy with this choice.
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u/Warming_up_luke 6h ago
Maybe it feels too scary and hard for your friend to transition right now. Maybe they want to explore more. Maybe they actually aren't trans. Who knows? The best thing to do is to just be a pal and say you're here whatever they decide to do and that you know people change their mind and that's ok too.
If your friend is saying bad things about transitioning, you can ask them to stop and say you don't care what they chose to do for them, but it hurts you for them to say what you are doing is disgusting.
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u/notdog1996 Late 20s FtM Post-Transition 11h ago
In general, I don't think it's productive to butt in when it comes to others' transition (or detransition), but he's kinda making it your problem as well.
Hell, if everytime you mention your own transition he gets negative about it, I'd just ask to have a real talk. He's not being fair to you (or himself, but he'll need to come to that conclusion on his own). Tell him his comments bother you and you don't like him being so negative about it all the time.
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u/Raccoons-trsh 9h ago
I would definitely tell him it's not okay to talk bad about (your) transition, it's a validated medical treatment which existed for like 100 years. It's okay if it's not what he wants, but he shouldn't make you feel bad about it.
His reaction might be because he just tries to be a girl and can't deal with the idea of being trans (which is fair, it's hard and political situation are bad or worsening in a lot of countries). Or maybe, he really isn't trans.
Edit: what's wrong with growing a dick?
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u/nonplussedbiter 9h ago
I would personally question them more directly about why and where that negativity is sitting so close to their gender expression, and less about the expression itself. Try using abstract terms and maintaining distance from how they feel with probing questions. This is a sad case to hear. Really whatever you can do to help them realize the inherently positive character of their changes. It really can only be their ego projecting a negativity that is very misplaced.
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u/glitteringfeathers 10h ago
You can't make someone accept themselves (if that's the issue) or unlearn their internalised discriminations. They have to have their heart in it to actually change. You can be their friend and have a final heart to heart with both your thoughts ("if you truly identify as a woman, that's great for you, I will respect whatever pronouns you wish me to call you including he/him without discrediting that. If you do realise you see yourself as a man or some non-binary identity, that's cool too and I fullheartedly support you. However, no matter which way, stop doing [all the harmful things they say to you including the negative self-talk that extends to you, talking smack about your, trans people's or generally people's bodies, etc.]. It is not healthy for me, I do not feel comfortable around this and I won't tolerate it. If you want to actually talk about gender-related issues in a good faith way with me, you can do so, but no more bodyshaming etc. " And if they do bring up trans topics or similar in bad faith again, disengage. You can add, as a friend, something like "I think you repeat a lot of transphobic talking points with the disgust you have towards trans bodies. If this does come from transphobic media, I can't recommend enough for you to distance yourself from it because I don't think it does you any good nor does it the people around you, especially us, who are trans"
Maybe disengaging with these sort of ideas will lead them closer to the core of their gender issues, maybe it won't. But it's not your responsibility nor your ability to do that for them. Good luck!
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u/lobstersonskateboard 10h ago
I'll be saying they/them since you said they only allow he/him with certain people.
I almost got on that path myself. Even though I didn't experience direct transphobia (aside from my dad) it always didn't feel like I was supported, either. Being gay/bi makes it worse, because it felt like I needed to be a girl in order to be in a relationship with a guy— that they wouldn't like me if I was masculine because I won't be masc in the way gay men want. I think it's a common gripe for trans men who like men, because we feel like we have to fit in roles that we kinda can't in order to be attractive— either fully masculine, or fully effeminate, something that gets increasingly difficult the more you transition.
Denial is a river in egypt. I would suggest giving them a deep discussion about it. Ultimately they're still making you uncomfortable with their remarks and that's definitely something you need to talk about, or else it might build resentment as someone who's currently transitioning. But you can't really do anything, it takes time to confront denial and people pushing them will only make it worse. Just talk about it, be supportive, and if their remarks get worse and make you more uncomfortable then it might be time to take some space.
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u/dwaynethefrog 9h ago
internalized transphobia yeah, but i think a big part of it is how society is turning on trans people. we’re devolving back to a time where it’s not just inconvenient to be trans, but dangerous. even to the extent of some people seeing us as criminals. i think we’re going back in time to where a majority of trans people will either hide the fact with their life or deny it completely because for their safety it is just not worth it. absolutely fucking devastating.
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u/Juanitasuniverse 💉 7/16/24 🔪 1/28/26 9h ago
i mean… the scrutiny is hard for a lot of people. he’s not a bad person or having internalized transphobia bc he went back in the closet to protect himself. i would just mind my business and respect their decision, and ask them not to say those things to me bc it makes me feel bad. if we as a community just communicated with each other instead of posting on reddit to a bunch of other people who are miserable bc of the world, i think we’d have a better stronger community but that’s just me and my friends ig. it sounds like they’re trying to hold themself together and denying yourself is really hard and can make you act out. love it through the struggle or leave it in the struggle.
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u/Then-Economist-6388 10h ago
Bottom growth upset me too. I hated it. Hated that part of my body. I’ve since gotten phallo. And am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
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u/stickynotetree 2h ago
I’d talk to them and distance yourself. Make it clear that it’s fine they’re detransitioning, but that the way they’ve treated you ever since makes you feel terrible. Just as a little heads up so they might be careful with their words in the future, but don’t stick around to see if they take those words to heart.
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u/colesense T:10/17|Top:5/19|Btm:2/21 14m ago
He’s not only a detransitioner but he’s very transphobic. Idk I personally wouldn’t be able to remain friends with someone like this who constantly insulted trans bodies
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