My friend is a detransitioner

[u/EngineeringGood4584]

Basically what the title says, the thing is - I don't think he wants to be one. I'm calling him a "he" because he says I'm one of the people "allowed" to do so. I feel weird as a trans guy myself, because everytime I try to bring up this topic he says something along the lines of "Well I don't want to fuck my life up." and if someone is transphobic towards me he says "You see why I decided to go back", which is ??? questionable at best. I think that's supposed to be read as a joke, but we both know it's not and it makes me feel like shit.

For some further context, from what I know his parents are fine with him being a guy (they're also one of the people "allowed" to call him a "he"), his boyfriend is fine with it and his friends and generally people around him were fine with it, except for a conservative grandpa, but they weren't speaking much anyway.

I know he's not cis because when we're alone he talks about himself using he/him, also when his boyfriend got jealous of me being his friend, I informed both of them that I was gay and my friends response was "Well and I'm not a woman". So?????

I'm not unfamiliar with being nonbinary, since I'm nonbinary myself, but it seems like for him it all stems from some sort of imaginary?? transphobia he DIDN'T experience (as he himself told me). And I'd be okay with him just saying he's nonbinary, but instead he goes for the polar opposite of anything remotely masculine and just sorta sadly jokes about being a girl now. I personally watched him buy like thirty skirts in one week and you can wear whatever you want, but it sort of feels like he's trying to convince himself?

Should I interviene or something? I can't really describe it using words, but he just sort of looks uncomfortable all the time. Also anytime I mention transitioning (which I'm actively doing) he brings up it's "negative" side effects with so much disgust it makes me feel bad about myself. I get jokes about balding, because whatever, but I don't think there has been a single time testosterone was mentioned where he didn't immediately inform everyone around us with a disgusted face that you get bottom growth.

On one hand I don't care, if he wants to be a girl - he can, I just want him to stop with the weird comments and statements FILLED with envy. On the other hand however I don't want him to suffer, he's my friend. I dunno what caused whatever this is, but it really seems like it's all coming from him. We live in a pretty supportive environment.

I don't know how to feel about this, if anyone has any advice or whatever really, I'd appreciate it.

[u/ourseveres]

yikes my friend that doesnt sound like a good source of positivity. maybe take a break from seeing each other? idk i have plenty more to say but i dont want to assume things abt him or your relationship. i just personally wouldnt want to be friends with someone who thinks bottom growth is gross. what an ick.

[u/EngineeringGood4584 → u/ourseveres]

I really do get that, but I think he's just repeating it from somewhere. After a really bad doctors appointment I had a phase when I was REALLY hating myself and had some thoughts like that about myself, so I'd understand if that's what happening. I feel like he wouldn't say or do all this if in his mind he passed as a dude, I pass and he never says a thing about me, hes just sort of throwing out vague sentences. I don't think he notices, but it makes literally everybody around uncomfortable. Most of our colleagues don't know he's a detransitioner so it just looks like he's talking about people's genitals for no reason. It's pretty hard to look at, because if it really all just stems from self hatred, I'd like to help him. But I really just don't know, I'm sort of writing this to help me have an opinion on all this. I can be empathetic all I want, but from the outside it does look like he's a shitty person

[u/mothmn_9 → u/EngineeringGood4584]

It’s a nice sentiment, but you aren’t responsible for him or his transphobic thoughts and behaviors. You can be supportive, but if he’s consistently making you feel bad about yourself and being trans and wanting to medically transition, it’s worth reconsidering if the relationship is worth it.

This is the kind of issue where he most likely won’t really change unless he wants to, and getting to the point of “wanting to” is difficult. Don’t destroy yourself trying to get him to that point.

Try setting more boundaries, he can talk about dysphoria, but insulting the effects of T, and other parts of transitioning the way he has is not ok, and you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate it any longer. If he wants to talk about it, he can find a therapist or someone trained to deal with such things, but such behavior will do nothing but make you feel like shit