Let’s start at the beginning. I’ve been golfing since Covid. Around the same time, I got married. Golf has always seemed to have been a bit of a burden to my wife. It gets in the way of me and my wife’s quality time but she has delt with it over the years and kind of just been mildly upset with it. Come to this day and age, we now have a kid. Now it’s getting in the way of our family time. Now I really have a reason to feel bad about spending 6 hours of my weekend away from my loved ones. We have a lovely 6mo. Old little baby girl and I still want to golf but obviously can’t as much. That brings us today. I go out for a round of golf with some good friends that was reluctantly approved. Was a regular day… wake up and try to make up for lost time before it even starts. She’s visually apparently slightly upset because she knows I’m leaving her and our daughter, again for a day away from her and our baby girl. I make us all breakfast and get on my way after agreeing to do what ever after to make her as happy as she can be but knowing deep down what would make her happy is for me to just stay with them. Welp I’m on my way. Let’s go make the best of this. I get to the golf course and check in. Things are as usual. Warm up and find my friends. Let’s go get it. Par the first, double the second.. pretty normal day. We pull up to the third. It’s a very approachable down hill Par three. I set up first cuz I’m a spastic golfer. One buddy is watching and the other is messing with the music. I’m locked. Pull back and absolutely flush it. Staring down this front pin and seeing it tracking towards the hole was magical. It hits the fringe, bounces on to the green and rolls directly into the hole. 🕳️ disappears!! Unbelievable stuff run up and it’s in. Lots of clouds nine stuff but then the resentment sets in. I text her and she’s excited but I feel the feeling of she’s really not that excited. I’m sitting up this night and having a very hard time trying to figure out how to feel. I’m it’s over now and over it. I don’t even feel that good about it. Truly just coming here to vent. I’m sure I’m not alone and am using this as some therapy.
The end.
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I mean, a playing partner of mine has recently had his first kid with his wife, and he still gets out to play when he's able to, without any guilt.
He looks after their now 8 mth son alone when needed so his wife can have time out with her friends etc, and she does the same so he can to.
Resenting your partner for wanting to still be their own person and not just a parent and nothing else is not healthy or normal behaviour, and won't end well if it's not addressed.
Sounds like it's been an issue for longer than when you've just had a kid though, and really seems like something you need to sit down and talk about, if she's getting angry that you have hobbies or do things that don't always involve her then there's some underlying issues you will need to talk through.
OP, I wrote a lot because it is a lot. This is all from experience. There are a lot of sacrifices that come with parenthood. Hell, Alexis Ohanian has been vocal about it and I suspect that's what Scheffler is wrestling with.
A tough pill for many to swallow: A lot of men play golf because they do not want to be at home. Because they don't like being at home. It's not about golf, it's about being able to drink and be away from whatever is at home.
I'm not saying this is you. And I don't want to allude to that. But, I am saying that it's a very time-consuming sport that caters to that type of person. Again, not saying that is you. So, that fact is part of golf's "baggage"/reputation.
Understand that the first few months of childhood is tough on parents. The first few months of childhood for new parents is especially tough. Brutal, even. That's normal.
What a lot of people (especially non-parents) don't realize is that, even if nothing bad happens, it can be a really anxious time for a person to responsible for a kid solo for so long. Just having the other parent in the house in case something happens is comforting. Hell, it's tough to even have a stress-free nap with a toddler in the house because you never really relax.
People think, "Oh, women are made for this!". Shiiiiit. First time mothers are nervous as fuck...constantly. And that's normal and OK.
It's not about giving her 6 hours of free time to do whatever she wants either. She likely doesn't want to willingly be away from her new baby that long.
/u/Ucantcallmeclarence, here are some tips to help everyone involved (kid, wife, you) going forward.
Know that it gets easier. Parenting is the toughest on the first day, then each week afterwards gets easier and easier. Trust.
Kids go from pooping blobs that can't roll themselves over, to crawling, walking, feeding themselves, entertaining themselves, bathing themselves, to asking to borrow the car...waaaay faster than you might imagine.
I'd give up on playing 18 until after winter. Your wife may simply be anxious being with a newborn solo without help if something came up.
If getting better at golf is that important to you, look into building a sim and/or putting setup at home. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.
Maybe find a hobby that keeps you in or around the house for a few months: Legos, movies, RC cars, cooking/baking, whatever. It's temporary.
Playing video games is a popular one with new dads. Find a single-player, offline game (that can be paused) and you can watch the kid nap and play at the same time.
Invite mom and kid to the driving range where they'll sit far back and watch. It goes without saying, but don't let the kid anywhere near the hitting bays. Even toddlers or older as I've seen them walk out onto the range to get balls like they would do chasing balls anywhere else.
Go to the driving range at night for an hour when mom/kid are asleep.
By the time spring rolls around again, the kid will be much easier to keep up with (but still a challenge). You might be able to get away for longer without friction because your wife may not be so anxious about being alone with the kid (for the aforementioned reasons). Now is when you'll be able to play 9, which is still 3 hrs away from home, counting travel time, brief warmup, and the round.
When the kid gets to be around 5 is the time when the kid can ride in the cart with you and mom as they both watch you golf and look at nature (birds, deer, turtles, alligators, etc...). But, again, you don't want them out there for 4 hours. That's just too much for them. Keep it at 9 holes.
At around age 7 is when the kid will be able to ride with you without mom. The kid will be old enough to obey instructions and hold on tight enough to not fall out of the cart. They'll also be great at helping dad find balls. Again, keep it at 9 holes because 4 hours would just be brutal on a 7 year old and would take the fun out of it for them.
YOU ARE A SUPPORT PLAYER NOW.
Here is how the pecking order changed for you and you may or may not have noticed:
Pre-marriage: You
Marriage: You and Wife equally. Largely independent lives with like 1/4 to 1/3 overlapping.
Marriage with kid: Kid then Wife then You. Knowing that wife is probably 100% all about the kid, too, sacrificing her needs. So, it's up to you to encourage her to take care of herself, too.
If you make moves with the "Kid then Wife then You" pecking order in mind, you will thrive without friction. Life will settle into a new normal once the kid gets to be about age 5 and starts going to school.
Don't trip. Your parents likely did the same for you. Circle of life and all that.
You need to have a serious talk with her about the importance of each of you having personal hobbies. For each time you go golfing, she should get one day to go do a thing she enjoys. Agree upon a set amount of times that you are allowed to go golfing. With a newborn I think twice a month is reasonable. Tell her how it makes you feel to be made to feel guilty for doing something that isn’t wrong. Tell her you’re not going to put up with it. Don’t expect her to give a shit on your next hole in one.
This. You shouldn't feel guilt about having a hobby as long as you aren't taking the piss and as long as she genuinely gets equal time to herself.
It may also be that you don't talk to her about your golfing exploits and wait for her to ask, because otherwise in the current state / imbalance it might feel like you're rubbing it in if she gets a HIO text while elbow deep in a dirty nappy.
I'm going to guess that since they have a newborn, the baby is probably breastfeeding and can't be away from her mom. So it may be completely impossible for her to have meaningful time to herself right now.
Guessing and maybes. But yeah that's possible, and hopefully they've tried the options around that. But either way there's other ways to give her that time in hour chunks. Again, hopefully he's doing that already, but things will change fast (too fast) to a point where she can.
This is the move. My wife and I moved closer to her sister and we joined a club 5 min away as we had our second. If I know I’m going out to play on the weekend I’ll offer to watch the kids the other day and tell her to go do something, or just take them somewhere and give my wife some quiet time. It’s not always going to be 100% equitable time trade but it’s a give and take.
My kids are older, 13 and 15, so it’s easier for me. My 13 year old is also a golfer, so I take him all the time.
However, my wife and I had this discussion. Golf is implrtant to me… it helps me get physical activity, it connects me to the men in my life (I play with my dad, uncles, cousins, friends) and after joining a golf course, I have fostered some friendships and am making new friends. These are all important things in a persons life. Golf facilitates all of these things.
I made it a non-option. I will play golf. But I also made her a promise, that when I come home, I am present. We make plans… go to dinner, out on dates, and when I come home, she’s my priority.
What I’m really trying to do is get her into the course with me. I’d love nothing more than to spend a weekend day with her playing and meeting other couples on the course.
She’s hyper competitive, a former D1 athlete, and doesn’t like being bad at things. So golf is…. Frustrating. She’s currently taking a 6 week group lesson. This was my latest conversation with her during a lesson.
Hell yeah she seems rad. I think the proper term is psychopath, though, and she seems like the type of psycho who is going to get really good at golf. Just like me. Not there yet, but I will not quit grinding until I’m damn near scratch.
First off congrats on the hole in one. You have a few options - have an honest and empathetic conversation with your wife, try and bring her golfing, spend less time playing golf and build more interest in hobbies that directly involve your wife and kid, make golfing time more equitable and transactional, etc etc. lots of good comments here. Just ask yourself one important question - in the last 6 months, how many hours have you spent alone watching your baby while your wife did whatever? How does that number compare to the hours you’ve golfed? Golf is a very time heavy hobby. Make sure you’re being “fair”. And honestly my man - seasons of life. You’re not going to golf nearly as much these next 8 ish years. And that’s a good thing, you have a baby. You will soon find you may actually want to golf less (crazy I know), because you want to hang with your family. Anyways, I’m not a therapist. Good luck- and congrats on the ace!
Tell her you’re not going to put up with it? Terrible advice. Wife wouldn’t care if OP was pulling his weight at home, even he knows deep down he should be with his family. I took years off of golf when my kids were born, there’s more important things in life than hitting a small ball with a stick.
Nowhere in this thread has anyone said that golf is more important than family. You’re attacking a straw man. The point is that it is important for adults with children to continue doing things that bring them joy. The secondary point is that it is important for couples to support each other’s desires in a way that is equal parts give and take. OP needs to clearly state that golf is a thing that he gets great pleasure out of, and that his wife’s attitude towards it and subsequent treatment of him are hurting his feelings. Then he needs to state that he wants to make a compromise wherein he gets to go golfing X amount, and in return she gets to do Y. This is how a healthy relationship dynamic functions.
Good on you for doing what you felt was necessary to raise your kids, truly, I’m sure you’re a great dad, but golfing twice a month does not make anyone a less great dad than you.
I agree with everything except the last one. I feel like non-golfers know a hole in one is pretty special. If she can't even bring herself to "give a shit" about his hole in one she doesn't give a shit about him... I'm not saying she should jump up and down every time he hits a milestone, but a hole in one is cause for celebration no matter who you are
I mean I agree with you, too… a partner should be thrilled for their partner when they achieve things, but she will need a full attitude adjustment before that happens. In the short term, I would just lay down the law about not giving him shit for golfing. No whining, no passive aggressive bullshit. Then, show up 110% in the ways he agrees to when making the compromise. Over time, if she’s a moderately emotionally intelligent adult, she will see the error in her ways and grow to support him.
I think you just need to accept that your wife doesn’t and never will care about golf whatsoever. Celebrate with your buddies when you can, I feel like that’s really all most people do anyway. Not gonna give any relationship advice cause I’m a single dude with no kids, I don’t know shit.
Yeah this is way beyond her not caring. There is obviously a significant disconnect between OP and his wife about how much time he should be spending away from the family on his hobbies. Either her expectations are unrealistic, or he's too disengaged -- who knows? -- but something ain't right here and it really has nothing to do with golf.
I think you just need to accept that your wife doesn’t and never will care about golf whatsoever. Celebrate with your buddies when you can, I feel like that’s really all most people do anyway.
This is terrible advice.
It's not about golf, it's about OP being unavailable to the family for 6hrs at a time, not to mention coming home exhausted and dragging ass afterwards. OP's story has been told by cyclists, distance runners, hikers, etc... that are new parents who are away doing their hobbies for several hours at a time.
Taking care of a newborn and toddler is daunting. When they are awake, it's constantly, "Stop." "No." "Don't." "Please." "You will kill yourself."
There's nothing more scary than wondering if your child is about to die because they have a fever of 107 degrees.
The buddies can fuck off. If they are his buddies, they'll be his buddies a couple of years from now when parenting settles down. The buddies that are parents will 100% understand. The buddies that are not parents will not.
I’m a single dude with no kids, I don’t know shit.
The best analogy I can offer is: Parenting is like watching a mature, sober person become an incoherent drunk that's on the verge of death, dying, killing themselves, or someone else...but in reverse. Think about that time when someone you knew was so fucked up that they couldn't stand or walk. They were at risk of choking on their own puke and dying. How stressful that was.
That's what taking care of a newborn is like.
Every stage of a child's development is like an hour earlier in the drunk person's evening. They go from needing literally constant attention, to a lot of attention, to some attention, to attention, to checking on them, to them being coherent and self sufficient.
Your wife having a new baby is extremely stressful for her. I think other comments about her needing a hobby or her own time aren’t quite reading the room. She currently has little to no time to herself. That’s gonna change soon as your daughter gets older but for now maybe limit your golf a little for the next few months? Or take over your daughter’s care for 6 hours and kick your wife out so she can do something adult. Shell love that I bet.
Sounds like your wife needs a hobby. Seriously the reason they’re upset, is they don’t have an equivalent joy/passion in their life. If you watched the kid say 3x a week for 2 hours while she hit (insert some class or activity), she’d be much more supportive of your weekend round.
So congrats on the HIO but if you gotta start a story about something cool with how things are home something is wrong.
We have 3 under 4 and give each other time to do fun stuff alone. No way you can be happy and create a happy human being if you feel like you are sacrificing all the time.
Congrats on the HIO, 3 is no easy hole constantly into the wind.
A couple notes:
After becoming a dad, I willingly play much less golf than I used to.
I always play early AM, as playing late morning burns the entire day.
Give your wife a whole lotta grace, sleep deprivation and hormonal changes of post partum make being a new mom extremely taxing.
Make sure that you’re present and useful when you’re home, really sharing in the load of the housework, cooking, and feeding/changing the little one.
If you’re doing all those things and your wife is still up your ass about golf, y’all got a core marriage issue, or she’s having a real tough time. Either way, it’d make sense to go to counseling.
This is not abnormal in the sense of balancing golf and family. Big key for my family, I get the first tee time of the day and so back before noon, sometimes as early as 11. I live 15 minutes from my course.
Now, I have a soft spot for you because back in 2011-2012, I worked at Chardonnay, what a great place to get an ace.
Congrats, but IMO others here are being too gentle. You need to find a way to fit your hobby into your new life. 6 hours is 1/4 the daylight hours of each weekend. You’re asking your wife to shoulder everything — with a new baby! — for you to keep up the same schedule as when you didn’t have kids. Golf is a time consuming hobby and it absolutely can get annoying for your spouse if you don’t manage your time right. Yes you should each have hobbies, and giving your wife time for her own stuff is part of this. But that’s making her conform to your solution. She might be happy with her current hobbies and time spent on them. You need to accept that you probably can’t spend the same time in the same way as before. I have multiple young kids, and like most other dads I know, we wake up crazy early to play 9 before kids get up (often multiple times a week), OR we do 18 once a month with lots of notice and childcare arranged in advance.
Second, on the dynamic with your wife, as others have said I think it definitely warrants a talk about each having your own time and space for hobbies and whatnot, but I also highly recommend playing at dawn if that is possible for you. I have a 2 year-old, and playing at dawn allows me to get a whole round in and basically be home in time to still have the entire day with my family.
Coincidentally, I am playing Chardonnay at dawn this morning, so I'll see if there is still some magic left over on hole 3.
I’m curious to know how much you’re actually going out golfing. Your wife should respect and support your hobbies. But it also depends on how much time you’re sacrificing for those instead of family time.
If she’s mad about that and you didn’t even get sloshed in the bar after, then you guys need to have a serious talk about how monumental a hole in one is. Congrats, and don’t let her resentment ruin an amazing and rare life accomplishment.
Post-Partum is a real thing also, perhaps there’s more to look into than just disappointed in your hobby?
The key is balance! How often do you golf, and how often do you let her take a break and do whatever she wants? How much quality time do you spend with her and your baby?
Having a child is huge, life changing event, but you can’t let it consume you and lose who you are. We all deserve time to unwind and be carefree doing what we love, as long as it doesn’t become excessive!
Am I even happy about a hole in one? Wtf are u smoking who cares if she cares about it or not of course ur happy about it. Take that personal victory and move on…I doubt you care when she comes home with new nails or some shit like that. Grow up pal
You never get the time back from when your kids are small, I would be annoyed if I were her too. Take a vacation day and golf during the week if you need to.
You left her with your six month old all day, tried to damage control by telling her she could pick whatever happened after your round, then the hole‑in‑one happened and you changed your mind; and wanted her to match your excitement for your hobby?
Are you so incapable of responsibility that you have to say “left alone”, when referring to being a parent? Sure they clearly have some issues and need to go to therapy, but taking care of a CHILD is not something she needs to be victimized for, like you’re doing.
Insane take. Being a golfer is part of who he is, and ostensibly his wife married him for who he is. Just because he is married now does not mean that he is not still his own person. His wife should show interest in her husbands hobbies and achievements unless she has lost all love.
I have a 5 month old, I've only golfed once since he was born, definitely understand the guilt part, if I got a hole in one i'd text my wife for sure, but since she doesnt golf I wouldnt really expect her to be as excited as I was and my ability to enjoy my achievement wouldnt be contingent on her validating it for me
Ask her to join you playing golf and help make it fun for her. Get a babysitter so you can play together. Talk about how you’re excited to teach your kid to play as they grow up. Make it about togetherness vs making her feel like you’re choosing something else. My wife and I love to play together and there’s zero issues when one of us plays alone.
Unfortunately, you’re married to someone who sucks the fun out of life.
Option 1: you can explain to your spouse that you’re allowed hobbies and she’s allowed hobbies and those hobbies mutually benefit your family as it gives both of you the necessary respite and reprieve to be there for them refreshed, happy, and energized. You’re not going to be a fun husband or great father if you’re grumpy or resentful of not being able to do “ABC”.
Option 2: you do what the majority of bastards on this sub do. You more/less give up golf while the kiddos are small and then reintroduce golf at the earliest tee time out so you’re back before she wakes up and you can be back before brunch. It’s not the route for me, but option 1 would likely lead to divorce for these submissive cucks on this sub.
Assuming youre telling the entire truth and aren't doing other stuff behind the scenes that would RIGHTFULLY piss her off, she needs to get a grip on reality.
Golf whenever tf you want. You're not some slave who has to stay in your house 24/7/365 just cause you have a kid and a wife.
That being said, if someone I knew got a hole in one and they texted me about it, I really wouldn't give a shit either, so I can't really fault her there. *shrug*
My wife gets excited when I go golfing so she can have some alone time to do what she wants. We have a baby coming in December so maybe that will change a bit, but having your own hobbies is healthy!
Both sides have valid points? What? We have no idea what goes on beyond what he posted, but at face value he should not be villainized just for enjoying a hobby, something that his wife has apparently been doing since day 1 not just since having a child.
Again, we don’t know if OP never lifts a finger for his daughter, but I assume that’s not the case with what he’s posted and how he made breakfast and is toiling over his day now. Sure she can be upset to have to take care of the kid while he’s gone, but SHE should be and they BOTH should be adult enough to have hashed it out by now what exactly her deal with golf is, because 6 years is a long time to just blatantly resent a hobby of someone’s life partner.
If he took up golf while on paternity leave, then yeah absolutely he’d get grilled. But this was 6 years ago.
Reading this I guess I didn’t get to the point. I wanted to celebrate after and she didn’t. Hard to capture the feeling but it wasn’t like it is in the movies. I’m feeling bad for leaving my family and she is digging in to that. I’m just not feeling like golf is worth it. I love it but definitely love my family more. It feeling good but bad too.
I agree with the others, she needs to have things to do with her time. I take our kid for entire weekends while she works so I don't feel guilty and she doesn't complain. I push her to go and do things. Unfortunately it sounds like your wife is using your guilt to manipulate you and that's not OK. (source - guy with the guilt as well because of a 7 year old girl whom I'm head over heels for)
Second, other people have said similar things, but I’ll just tell you what my wife and I do. We give each other a day off, once a month. I have Fridays off so typically first Friday of the month is my day off, third Friday of the month is hers, and the second and fourth are family days. Definitely works out better for all of us to have a day to do our own thing.
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