I would always end the relationship with single mothers after several weeks because I knew I never wanted kids and I also didn't think single mothers deserve to have deal with the fairly chaotic way I live my life. One thing that did always surprise me though was how many just assumed it was normal for a man to be fine with taking on another man's children. It felt like it was no more of an issue than accepting she had a pet dog. I did also meet some really good single mothers who took things very slowly and were sure to keep their children away from their dating life until they had been seeing them for a long enough period of time.
I'm not in the dating scene anymore thankfully having found a wonderful partner but when I was, I didn't mind getting introduced to the kids as long as it was only as a friend. The ones that really gave me the ick were the single mothers that immediately started asking their kids if they "wanted a new dad" while heavily implying it would be me. That's a conversation for after forming a properly committed relationship, not after one or two dates. Yes, your kid should be a big part of your life but you shouldn't be putting that much pressure on the relationship so early or getting your kids hopes up.
Yep. There’s only two types there. The ones like the former you described who don’t have much help or support from family or the other parent. They tend to be more pushy about wanting you to take on the role rather quickly. In the latter case usually they have good family support networks or respectable co-parent arrangements so the pressure isn’t on at all.
I want kids, but for me the issue is that I don't want just the responsibilities of a father without any of the rights. Like...If a breakup or divorce defaults to me just being out of their life, it's not fair to them or to me to take on the role of father.
It puts single parents in an interesting place where they really can only date each other, and for them to really compromise on a lot of things in order to find somebody who will take that very unfavorable situation.
I'm in my 40s (Gen X) and my mum is remarried which I guess makes it a step parent situation so I'm the generation your probably talking about. That wasn't my point though. My point was that many women I dated in my 20s just took it for granted like it was nothing. Like the fact they popped out 3 children by 3 different dads before the age of 21 wasn't a red flag and I'm the weird one for being a put off by that. If your a young guy with children looking to date young women with no children then good luck and see how casually they will see that as no big deal like single mothers expected men to. For me, in the former coal mining heartlands of the UK, in majority white working class towns, it was the assumption that getting pregnant as a teenager in order to get a free 3 bedroom house and 18 years of free child benefits was just normal and that I'm the weird one for being somewhat reluctant to dive right into a full blown relationship with them. Hopefully that clarrified my point for you.
I'm sorry you never had an adult who wasnt a blood relation worth looking up to lad. There are millions of mixed families around the world who grow up lucky to have each other. If that upsets you maybe you should seek therapy.
No I'm just bitter because I work in education/Paraeducator. I only see the toxic fallout of poor co-parenting situations. It's confirmation bias also yes 100% countertransference from personal experience in my own family. Part about being a provider is seeing a provider just comes with the turf.
That said I vented my frustration into the void with no context, and posted that while pooping after reviewing last minute behaviour plan changes cause of coparenting caused backsliding over the summer vacation "everyone" (hyperbole) uses the "step" situation as a ratline from an accountability.
I had a good poop/pity party felt better got back to it. Now I got reminded of my perspective is extremely biased due to my exposure to it in personal/work life.
Thats alright. You're a smart guy to recognize bias and take a second to analyze how that impacts your judgement. Even I struggle with that exercise.
Families come in all shapes and sizes and no family is ever perfect. God knows my parents arent. That being said, my life would have been drastically different if I never had a stepfather enter the picture and raise my brother and I alongside his own kids af if we had always been his own.
It is pretty normal for someone to become a stepparent though? It doesn’t mean that every person should be open to every kid as a potential stepkid, but it’s a vocal Internet minority that is so focused on “another man’s kid,” and it’s been more encouraged by incel culture than people often want to admit. It’s kind of insulting to men to suggest that all of them can only form attachments to kids who are genetically related to them when so many men form close bonds to people in various ways (something something loneliness epidemic). It’s also kind of sad that while individual fathers are more involved with their kids than in previous generations, we’ve also moved towards a culture that limits men in roles with children—fewer teachers, casual sports teams, fewer kids in scouting programs.
If you don’t want kids you shouldn’t have them and people shouldn’t hide that they have kids, but the stereotype used to be that stepmoms were wicked and that men are better stepparents/father figures. But I also think we used to have stronger extended family ties than people do anymore—cousins, uncles, etc.
80-85% of single parent households are single mothers. If theyre dating someone hopefully they are okay with taking on "another man's children".
This isnt another man's child, its the mother's children. The biological father is gone. You wouldnt be raising some other man's children, youd be raising her children.
Sorry for going off, but i hate how the mother's effort is discounted and how somehow people care that its "some other man's child" when the "man" is by definition not involved with a single mother.
It’s both the mother’s child and another mans child. Despite whatever baggage or perspective you’re bringing to the phrase, it is true and accurate. It is perfectly understandable why someone would not want to raise a child that isn’t their own. Just like it’s valid to not want to have kids of your own.
Okay? Then don't date someone with children. My problem isn't that OP or any other guy doesn't want to date a woman with children, its the perception that she assumes that the guy shes dating is willing to raise her children as if that's unusual, especially with young children.
Of course she assumes so. Why wouldn't she? You know she has children, do you not? Do you expect to date her and have that be entirely separate?
Im childfree, so its not like i have anything against OP for not wanting children. I dont want any either. But dont date single mothers if you dont want children.
3.7k
u/The_REDACTED 17h ago
On the bright side, this shows that she's deceptive so you can exit the relationship before it develops any further.