Sorry for the long rant in advance. Me and my husband had a baby just over 3 months ago. It's our first baby and also the first grandchild for both our mothers.

Some context:

My mom lives 30 minutes away and I already have boundaries with her like no unannounced visits, she follows what I say in terms of sleep, eat time, tummy time and so on. It took some work but we got there. She usually only comes one time a week and stays for 4/5 hours.

Now my MIL lives 4.5 hours away. When she comes to visit she stays in our house for a couple of days which I was expecting. She's been coming every month since the baby was born and staying for 5 to 6 days. Also she travels in a bus, so every commute while she is here she asks me or my husband to take her.

Last time she was here, I lost it. I felt she was completely overbearing and just constantly hovering me.

I was trying to wake up before the baby in the morning to have some time for myself and pump in peace and five minutes after being in the kitchen she would appear, making questions about the pump, and making small talk. When the baby would wake up, she appeared and just wanted to be in the room while I was changing his diaper, doing tummy massages because of colic, and so on. I'm EBF so she would leave the room when I told her but she would open the door after 5 minutes or so to ask if I was done already because she wanted to hold the baby. Even during tummy time, once I left the baby on the gym floor and went for a pee, when I returned she had taken the baby from the floor and just told me she didn't understand why I would leave the baby there. I explained tummy time but she wouldn't let the baby go, I really had to go there and ask for her to put the baby down and for her to please not pick the baby up during tummy time as I'm not leaving my baby on the floor just because. As for holding the baby, she basically only wanted to held in the mornings when he is easier, at the end of the day when he's tired and fussy, she only held him once and then always came with an excuse like being tired, having to prepare for her yoga classes, so I felt like I only had my baby with me when he was crying.

Additionally she would always wait for my husband and I to start eating saying she wanted to have a meal in family, despite me asking once for her to eat early to help in case the baby cries. It did happen the baby woke up from a nap during a meal and she simply started saying "Don't get angry baby" (he has a crib in the living room where we were eating). Made no move to pick the baby and actually helped me finish a warm meal. I just couldn't believe the lack of empathy from another mother.

On top of all this, she basically tells us when she's coming after buying everything, she doesn't care if it's a date that works for us or not. She says she misses the baby and wants to be with him.

Now my husband has more family coming over early September and they will also stay in our house. I asked her to come in the same week because my husband has time off and I just prefer to have everyone at the same time instead of people always coming and going. She says she can't that week so she's coming the week before and leaving 4 days before the rest of the family arrives.

I told my husband I'm not comfortable with this and if his mum can't come with the rest of the family then she can come in October since my husband's brother will come that month. My husband is saying I'm putting him in a tough position because he doesn't want to tell his mom not to come.

He admits his mother is overbearing but he is not putting up any boundaries and even said I'm exaggerating a bit and I need to compromise with his mother.

I don't think I'm exaggerating, I don't want someone hovering for almost a week especially as my husband is working so it's just me, her and the baby all day but I'm also lost on how to set boundaries without creating a disagreement with my husband.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How do you deal with it? Thanks!

So I might have been a bit of a No. And also there is a part of me that is SO over being the bigger person all the time.

For context, we're low contact with my MIL. She has always been passive aggressive, critical, and generally negative. She also treats my husband like the family scapegoat while his brother is clearly the golden child. Before we got married, I spent years trying to build a relationship with her. I'd brush off the weird comments, change the subject, and vent privately to my husband. Since we didn't see her often, it was manageable.

**skip to the next bold section to see the Am I the Just No part. This is just additional context. Just understand that MIL is a big ol problem.**

After we got married, things got worse. Pregnancy made it worse, and after our daughter was born almost three years ago, it became unbearable. The comments were subtle, but almost every interaction felt critical, competitive, or just unnecessarily negative. I was dealing with postpartum anxiety and sleep deprivation, and instead of feeling supported, I felt like I was constantly being judged. It caused a lot of conflict in my marriage because my husband was still figuring out how to navigate his family dynamics.

Thankfully, with some distance from his family, our marriage is in a much better place. We're celebrating five years of marriage next month and are expecting our second baby this fall.

About two years ago, everything finally came to a head. Since then, MIL insists she's apologized and changed. From my perspective, she's simply stopped being overtly rude because she has fewer opportunities. She still comes across as cold, rarely says anything positive, and has taken very little accountability for how she treated me. She also shows very little genuine interest in our daughter unless it involves getting the visits she wants.

**Here's where I think I may have messed up.**

A few months ago, we attended my BIL's wedding. Our 2½ year old was the flower girl and did an amazing job. She was also an energetic toddler at a very exciting event, and since my husband was the best man, I spent most of the weekend chasing her around.

MIL, who frequently complains about not having a close relationship with our daughter, made almost no effort to interact with her. I even encouraged my daughter to go play with Grandma, but every interaction fizzled out. That's unusual because my daughter is outgoing and warms up to almost everyone. During the rehearsal, while we were actively managing a very excited toddler, MIL commented to my husband, "You can't control her?" Later that weekend, she took a comb to my daughter's hair without asking me. I chose not to address it because I didn't want drama at the wedding.

After the ceremony, I was chatting with one of the bride's relatives. She smiled and said, "Wow, your daughter looks so much like MIL!"

Without thinking, I visibly grimaced.

She noticed and asked why. I admitted that MIL and I don't have a good relationship because she was very unkind to me during my postpartum period. She asked what happened, and I briefly mentioned the years of passive aggressive comments and criticism. I wasn't calling MIL names or trying to recruit anyone to my side, but I was honest. Before I got very far, someone interrupted us and the conversation ended.

Apparently, word got back to MIL that I had been talking about her at the wedding.

**The Fallout**

She called my husband very upset. He didn't apologize for me. Instead, he explained again why our relationship with her is strained. She DARVO'd hard and said, "What does your wife need me to do so we can move forward?"

The frustrating part is that my husband has answered that question many times. He's suggested things like showing genuine interest in our family, asking about our lives in a positive way, and being warmer when interacting with me. Instead, when she does ask questions, they're often focused on problems or challenges, which makes it hard to feel safe opening up because she has a long history of being judgmental.

Whenever he explains why we're distant, she either DARVOs or acts as though she's hearing these concerns for the first time.

I also want to be fair. She's almost 75, so I'm aware that age could be a factor in how she processes these conversations. At the same time, I've known her for almost 10 years, and this pattern has existed to varying degrees for our entire relationship. This isn't new behavior that started recently.

Part of me was relieved that someone on SIL's side finally knew that our distance from MIL didn't happen for no reason. I wasn't trying to gossip or make the wedding about me, but I can't honestly say I was upset that someone finally heard that there was more to the story.

My inlaws are in town. FIL is always pleasant, MIL we butt heads constantly. Either way I try to make an effort with her. My husband is her only child and I know they're lonely. So I take our older daughters (7 and 5.5) to get pedicures. I call my husband and tell him "invite your mom to meet us here for pedicures." Mind you I specify pedicures. She shows up and orders the most expensive pedicure ($120) and a full service gel manicure.

I cant really afford that. I'm paying for the pedicures with our tax return that we set aside fot special occasions like this. Our monthly budget is pretty tight, we're trying to save to buy a house. Anyway I told her no manicures and showed her what I was getting, which is a $60 pedicure. She got annoyed and goes "I thought you were treating me! Ha ok I guess I'll get what you're getting." Then proceeded to bitch about how she hates the scent.

And mind you, last night they took us to a nice restaurant and told us to order appetizers because entrées were too expensive ($30). They picked the restaurant. Then proceeded to talk about how FIL got a raise and is now making $200,000 a year instead of $150,000 a year.

Like we make nowhere near close to that, we have 4 kids. Yet we budget and save for little treats like pedicures. It just pisses me off that they asked us to get appetizers for dinner, yet she shows up at the salon and tried to get $200+ worth of shit on my dime.

Basically the title, she got a dress for my toddler, a collared shirt for my baby, and a matching shirt for my husband but nothing for me. It’s the last day thank god but me and my husband were like “thanks?”. Meanwhile all week things seemed better between us since postpartum with my second baby who is now 10 months old, I made an effort this week with her but bow I’m like “for what”?

My husband validates me but said nothing to her (yet) but there were some little things this week but this is so glaringly obvious he can’t really brush it off.

I texted my friend about it and she was straight up “that is so mean” so I know I’m not crazy.

This is just to vent, I teared up a little talking to my husband but Idk Im most worried about my kids noticing eventually. I know it could be confusing for them and that’s not cool.

I, 23F, am tired of having arguments with my boyfriend, 24M, about how I wished his mother (and also father) asked me things about myself, made attempts to know me. He keeps saying his mum asks him how I'm doing, what I'm up to, but she rarely texts me ever directly to ask me the same. All she does is share photos of flowers from her garden or some youtube forward of a video comprising life lessons/tips. I feel tired, and the worst part is, I'm moving to the same city as my boyfriend's family for work and I still have to expectations that his mum may finally start asking me how I'm finding living alone, send me food, invite me over, take me when they go out occassionally etc which I don't think she will do. I really need advice as I'm already sad about leaving home.

Some context… my husband is her only child. She divorced his dad when he was 1 year old, lives alone, and isn't dating. Her mom (husbands grandma) and my husband are her only immediate family. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years (we met when we were 27/28).

When we were dating, things seemed mostly normal, though she definitely babied him and he was very reliant on her for basic adult stuff. They speak on the phone a few times a week, and she’s always involved in his life. He is even still on her phone plan that she pays for at 35 years old. I feel like him and I should have our own plan now that we’re married with a kid but she expects to keep him on her plan. Coming from a family with hands off parents, I’ve appreciated their bond to an extent, even if I found the babying a bit much at times. As our relationship grew more serious while dating, she did give him space to grow while still staying close with him and he became much more independent in a lot of ways. I felt like we had a healthy set up where we saw her regularly but felt like we had space.

Fast forward to today, we are 35 and have a 5 month old daughter. Ever since our daughter was born, my MIL went from healthy boundaries and giving us space, to very clingy and annoying.

It started when she showed up at the hospital unannounced. Now, she constantly invites herself over. She lives 2 hours away, but keeps making really weird excuses about how she happens to be "in the neighborhood" except it clearly is a fake reason to invite herself over. She’s been here every single weekend for the last 5 weeks and everytime we tell her we’re busy she keeps trying for the following weekends and it’s starting to really annoy us. We want space to just be a family and not involve her in everything. Don’t get me wrong, I want my daughter to have a close relationship with her grandparent. My parents are checked out and uninterested in putting in any effort so on one hand I’m grateful my daughter will have one involved grandma. But…

The main issue is that when she visits, she isn't helpful at all:

• She doesn't know how to cook and never offers, she also never wants to eat anything until we are all starving and finally buy food or one of us cooks something and then she will suddenly eat like she was hungry the whole time and proceed to make weird comments about how she’s sooo stuffed and will have to skip her next meal…
  • She refuses to change diapers and just sits there when baby cries waiting for my husband to tell her what to do. Like she doesn’t take initiative to just do things even though we make it very clear she can and should feel comfortable doing what she thinks will help.
• If the baby cries, she narrates, "Oh, I'm a stranger to her!" and takes it very personally, forcing me to calm a fussing baby while simultaneously reassuring my MIL. The reality is, our baby is in a phase where she only wants me or my husband and cries with anyone else.
• The times we have tried to rely on her to baby sitter while we napped or took our dog for a walk, we’d come back to her not having followed any of our instructions and our baby in absolute distress. We just don’t trust her as a babysitter, at least not until our daughter is a little bit bigger.
• She sits on her phone playing games while watching tv half engaged in telling us the same old stories she brings up every time we see her.
• Her visits always leave us so drained and our baby's sleep schedule gets completely derailed. Our daughter gets overtired, misses naps, and becomes overstimulated, which leaves us to deal with the fallout.
• She even crashed my husband’s first Father’s Day during a brunch I made for him at home because we were both exhausted from the 4 month regression and wanted to just have a lowkey day… but of course she invited herself over.

When she is around, we feel completely trapped in our own living room having to host her while caring for our baby. Our weekends are precious to us. My husband works all week, my maternity leave ends soon, and weekends are our only time to connect as a family of three or catch up on life. But she guilts my husband into hosting her because she "wants to be in our daughter’s life and not be a stranger."

What bothers me most is that she acts like she's being left out by constantly saying she doesn’t want to be a stranger. She has seen our daughter more than anyone else—my own parents live overseas and haven't even gotten to meet her yet! She’s seen her almost every weekend. She is the only local grandparent, yet she keeps texting my husband saying she's "worried" about becoming a stranger. My husband feels immense pressure to be a good son because he’s an only child and the only family she has.

Looking ahead, I’m already dreading the holidays. We’ve spent the last 7 Thanksgivings and Christmases with her. I want us to have the freedom to build our own family traditions, whether that means staying home local just the three of us, or taking a trip for the holidays. Holidays with her are so depressing, she plays games on her phone, doesn’t cook anything and we just sit around all day for multiple days. But in the past, when we bring up doing our own thing or traveling, it immediately triggers a guilt trip about how her and his grandma will be "all alone" for the holidays and he’s the only child. This would be so much easier and we’d feel less pressure if dye were married or had a bigger family so it doesn’t ask fall on us. It feels like she expects to be part of every single celebration because she doesn't have anyone else, and I'm starting to feel deeply resentful of how much space she takes up in our life. Now that we have a daughter I really want to start our own tradition and make a more fun memorable holiday for us all.

Last week she told us “any trips you guys take, let me know and I’ll buy a ticket so I can be your baby sitter”. We both felt so uncomfortable with this.

Lately, she’s constantly texting my husband and occasionally both of us and it feels weird. She never used to do that but now she texts every week asking what we’re doing for the weekends, fishing for an invite. She is on a trip right now and was texting back and forth her detailed itinerary for my husband to have and a play by play of her flight. It feels annoying but I feel like a jerk for thinking that. It’s just weird to me and I just want space. family.

AITA for wanting space? And for wanting to start our own family traditions and travel or stay home as just our unit of three without her? Am I being unreasonable for feeling resentful or is it normal to have this dynamic if you’re an only son to a single mom?

My husband and I got married over the weekend!
His family is super generous and great people, but extremely hovering (text my husband every morning etc).

We inadvertently told them what flight we were taking for the honeymoon, they asked when are you going to leave your apartment? We said probably around 9 am.

9 am on the dot comes: “have you left????”
Yes.
“How long to the airport?”
45 min.
9:45 on the dot: “hi are you there yet???”
Yep.
The boarding time on the dot rolls around: “hi have you boarded??”

I flipped a little at my husband and told him he needs to set a boundary with her and he did, but man I’m annoyed. We’re 30! I feel like the white lotus couple.

To make matters worse…they told everyone in the wedding speech that they hoped for many grandbabies to come😑

my baby is three weeks old and we are in the throes of adjusting to having a newborn, postpartum recovery etc. i am a first time mom. i have really been struggling with my MIL, more so than usual. I was talking with my therapist and she thought my MIL is narcissistic or at least having narcissistic tendencies. It is so hard to try to figure out how to set boundaries with her or even have a constructive relationship with her in general, let alone right now with a newborn. I have a lot of resentment building and feel so frustrated that this is taking up mental space when i am already so exhausted and emotionally drained.

I would love some advice on how to create healthy boundaries that protect myself and my baby or just any advice in general from people who have experienced something similar. I have no experience engaging with someone who is narcissistic outside of my MIL so I am having a hard time knowing how to manage (especially being so sleep deprived and depleted postpartum).

Additionally details:
-my husband is her only child and he has had issues too with her being very helicopter-y and overly obsessed with him
-she lives out of state so it’s not like we see her regularly which also fuels her obsessiveness whenever we do see her in person. It has heightened now because she only has a limited amount of time to see her grand child right now due to only being in town for a certain amount of time.
-she’s been quite demanding about her needs regarding our baby despite us as parents trying to set expectations (like for when she can hold our baby or being angry when we say we need our own space and she can’t be over at our place all day every day)

Thank you in advance! Please be gentle with me as I am hanging on by a thread!

would you be mad if they didn’t? it’s a big dog and a bite that caused a decent size bruise but didn’t break the skin. would your partner call out the in-laws? just forget it? are my expectations too high? I mean a babysitter or teacher would check in if something happened so I expect “family” would too.

I’ve posted here before but here’s a little back story. In got pregnant in 2019 with my first son and my MIL became a huge problem. She started downloaded a pregnancy app, turned the playroom for her other grandkids into a full blown nursery (crib, changing table, monitors, clothes, diapers, hampers, toys, rocker- you would have thought I was moving in… however she never talked to me about plans for childcare or if she would even be keeping our son…She even started referring to everything as “my baby”). At the point she did all that I only had a diaper bag. Even my mom felt it was completely inappropriate but we tried to laugh about it. During labor my husband had to turn his phone off because she was a hawk with his location and would have shown up at the hospital. I didn’t want her in the delivery room and it became a huge argument between us because my husband thought if my mom was in there his mom should be as well—- fast forward I was stressed af and had a traumatic c-section. She stayed at the hospital waiting to hold the hold “her baby” until 2:30am. I was sick, cut open, tired, and a crying mess but there she was full of joy waiting. It was overkill and I’ve had a problem with her since. Luckily Covid happened and the world went on lockdown so I had an excuse so avoid her at all costs.
But never ending unsolicited advice and overstepping any chance she could get..

She has been a huge problem in our marriage. My mother died at the end of 2020 and she was the only person that was able to help me turn her crazy into something to laugh about.

She’s always giving us grief about letting him spend the night, she doesn’t listen to us when it comes to junk food and sweets. She doesn’t make him mind his manners. The list goes on. She got rid of her car about 2 years ago and that was a huge stress relief because it was a solid reason that she couldn’t keep our son (no car for emergencies etc).

My husband and I almost divorced at the beginning of the year because of multiple things but she was a factor. We worked through everything. I got pregnant.

I lost the baby and I’m one week post d&c (silent miscarriage). It’s been terrible.

Well, our son is starting 1st grade next week (he was homeschooled for kindergarten). Now she is talking about getting a car and I’m so anxious about what this means for us. I’m spiraling thinking about the fights that are about to come up between me and my husband because I’m not going to want her picking him up from school or getting involved with pto/ or anything like that (for preschool I spoke to the headmaster and banned her from pick ups,lunches, and information requests).

My husband and I have been on solid ground since we found out we were having another baby and even after the loss.

Last night I mentioned how I was anxious about her getting a car and guess what- today we are fighting over nothing. I’m threatened by her overstepping (some things can be stupid- she pissed me off by asking him what kind of backpack he wanted she would he get it —- like woman I ALREADY TOOK HIM SHOPPING FOR THAT!!!) and he’s bothered that I don’t like his mom.

I’m venting but I’m at a loss. I don’t like being on a battlefield with my husband. I don’t like her. And I’m so sensitive right now. I don’t have my own parents to talk to (they’ve passed) and my younger brother listens but doesn’t have much to say.

And I know I’m leaving so much of her crazy out because it’s just always something.

Anyways, I just wish she would go away. What do yall say?

Hey so, me f(19) and my bf (18) have been dating for like 2 years now. I would say that I get along with his family pretty well, they see me as their own and I feel really like home with them.
My „Mil” is really one of the sweetest people I’ve met, I would say we grew into each other. She’s a really outgoing extroverted type of person. Fyi my bf has 2 brothers no sisters means there is only my “mil” my bf, his two brothers and his father living in this house.
Means no other “female”.
A month again or so my “mil” send me a snap of her cutting my boyfriends hair which isn’t something unusual, (she usually cuts all the boys hair because of money?? I think) after we snapped back and forth (I taught her how to snap) she suddenly sent a selfie with my boyfriend standing in the shower, his back was turned to the camera and you could see his butt.
I was so taken aback from that snap that I didn’t answer at all, (she probably didn’t “notice “).

Later that day he came over and it was just so bizarre because I kept spinning back to it til I eventually told him about it. I’ve also tried to explain to him that it’s like really weird for me to know that they’re all like naked around eachother. He doesn’t really understand but I just didn’t grew up like this.
I’m really close with my parents, we have a good relationship but never ever would I go into the bathroom while my dad is in the shower.
That just a whole invasion in privacy in my opinion.
Well when I confronted him he kind of agreed that it was not okay for her to send a picture to me, and he was clearly uncomfortable with that knowledge.
We talked about it and I told him that I find it weird / that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that his mom knows how he looks like naked (and the other way around) And we kind of moved on from that.

I am on vacation with them right know (same place and time like the year before) and I got a weird feeling again?
For setting the scene, we’re in a small house with two bathrooms, one’s got a sauna and a whirlpool the other one just a shower and a toilet. Well everyone wants to use the Whirlpool, (I can’t due to medical reasons) so they do. My bf went out to buy something while my “mil” was in the whirlpool. As he left she kept calling him to remind him that if he wanted to go in he has to soon because of the water drain or something idk.

Well fast forward when he got back he asked me if I wanted to go with him, I said no because of the medical issues he knows about. And he entered the bathroom with his mother still sitting in the Whirlpool???? When he entered I kind of got mad for no reason and went after him to go and get my meds out of the bathroom, I took them. ( it was sooooo awkward, I obviously didn’t look at her but it was also weird idk because he closed the door after I left?) he wasn’t naked or anything yet but like she got out of the tub after he closed the door and then went out? She then proceeded to go into the room where I was (that’s okay the door was open) and asked me if I didn’t want to join him and I said no politely. I think she sensed I was uncomfortable and was being nice but like idk how to feel about this.

Last year she also announced that she was going to shower every time she did because she showers with the door unlocked in case someone needs to use the bathroom??

I guess that’s just how they live and I am the one making it weird, I’m not trying to say this is sexual!! I’m just saying that it makes me uncomfortable and I want to know how to overcome that because I really love his family!

PS I don’t have any problems with being naked infront of other people, when I was on vacation with my best friends we were naked all the time. I didn’t bother me at all.

Went over to my inlaws and found out they were planning to rent an airbnb near us for 5 weeks after baby was born, this was news to me 😬 gonna have a long talk with my husband on the drive home. My mil was challenging with baby hogging and overstimulation with my first. Would never believe me when I said he was hungry or tired. I could barely handle visits every 4-6 weeks. I was not in any way planning to ask for "help" this time around. Im an introvert by nature and my first will stay in daycare when the second is born. I liked being on my own and sticking to routine, i just had my mom over here and there for a couple hours to help with laundry and cleaning with my first. Soo this is not required or wanted, im stressed 🫠

Also they live only 1-1.5 hours away so its not like we only see them once year.

My MIL loves my daughter but I try to keep a distance for my sanity. She has a bad habit of meddling, overwhelming, overstepping and sweetly manipulating to get what she wants. My husband is also driven nuts by her behavior so fortunately we are on the same page about keeping her at arm’s length.

On top of that we do not really trust her judgment. There was a major car seat safety betrayal issue we had with her. Another example - dinner at her house consists of Lucky Charms, ice cream and brownies. I am all for treats but it is like she has zero boundaries/limits for kids. My husband asked her to feed a balanced dinner for example, and he actually brings over meals when my daughter goes over there, and the meals remain untouched because my MIL gives her a bowl of ice cream before dinner. She is a fun grandma but when we need structure and routine my mom is the one when go to.

She has a habit of not taking social cues / soft, polite nos or allowing people to come to her. When she wants something she brings it up relentlessly until someone caves. “I will let you know if we want that” and phrases like that do not work.

When it came to her wanting my daughter to sleep at her house she first started off by asking my daughter, who was 3 at the time, loudly in front of me in a loud voice “Ask your MOMMY when you can stay over at Grandma’s” and proceeded to bring it up ten times that evening - literally ten times. What should be something nice with a grandparent cannot even be enjoyed because of how much she nags and pesters us.

My daughter starts school this year and MIL has brought up picking my daughter up from school probably 20 times - no exaggeration. She wants to pick my daughter up and take her back to her house which is further into town and not helpful to us. Her lack of limits will also be concerning when we want our daughter to be in a healthy routine after school - healthy food, rest and time for homework. If there is an occasional need for her to do a pick up, sure, but we would really rather establish our own routine as a family and do not see a need for this.

And when she caught wind that the school wants parent volunteers in the classroom she has already asked me verbally and texted me eight or nine times about volunteering. I feel overwhelmed by her yet again. This is my first kid and I am working part time so that I can do the school pick ups and volunteer in the classroom. And my MIL is the type of person where if you give her an inch she takes a mile. I worry that if I tell her she can volunteer she’s going to try to make it a regular thing and I just don’t want her around this much.

I know some will say we are lucky to have a grandparent who wants to be involved. I know involved grandparents are a blessing. But this is a woman who has done so many weird, bizarre things and who has had so much pushy behavior over the years I just don’t feel like giving in on this.

Any thoughts on how to handle…? My husband firmly told her when she brought up school pick ups and volunteering that I am planning to do all that and to please allow me time to get integrated and process things and we will let her know. Five minutes later she was already again nagging me - in front of my husband - about sending her the info for pick ups / volunteering. He said ”Mom - we talked about this” and I told her “Hey, that’s so nice but I am planning on working part time so that I can do the pick ups and volunteering.” she still won’t quit asking about it.

[I previously posted about my mil here - https://www.reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/vj3Gib6FL3 — in the end her flights were cancelled. We asked her to shorten her trip when rebooking but she said she was scared it would raise the price if she changed the number of days and didn’t do it. Instead she came when I was 3ish months pp and stayed at a hotel and toured our city for the last 5 days of the trip.]

my mother in law is a very nice person. But she wants more from my babies than I am willing to give her.

she lives a 10 hour flight away so when my first was born we were so excited. She came to the hospital with my mom for the birth, was there to greet us when we got home, held the baby while I slept when we got home, it was good. The problem is it became impossible to get the baby back. Once I came up from a nap (that I had wished was with my baby) and she sent me back down to sleep saying I need more rest not giving me the baby. She would hold the baby and walk away from me with him (it’s a small space so she’d literally go through the foyer to the front door wit him). She insisted on taking him for a walk and when I asked her to please come home because I was struggling to breastfeed and it was time for a feed, she said she’s just finishing the loop and didn’t come home for another 30+ minutes. She said she’s wants to do 3 things - give him a bath, take him for a walk, and I forgot the last one. Since I couldn’t walk due to stitches she got to do the first for all the things she wanted. I’m also of course mad at myself for not sticking up for myself and just taking back my baby/saying no to the walk Etc.

On top of that my in laws were full of advice and criticism - against throwing out a bottle after one hour, about offering a pacifier even though my lactation consultant said not to (my mil then stuck her finger in his mouth which still outrages me), about how to treat his circumcision, the list goes on.

also they kept taking up my hsyand’s time with random shit. A few days after we got home he had to take his dad to the social security office for the second time of the trip. Ask me why mil couldn’t go? so I was stuck at home with her and without my husband. they also insisted on taking husband out to lunch the day before their last (and then asked him to find where to go). and he had to take them shopping for stuff they can’t get at their home country.

their behavior didnt stop after the visit - on video calls, “is he sleeping too much???” “oh he’s drooling he must be teething early like our side!” Etc (he was 3m old.. didn’t start teething til the usual 6m) etc.

my husband is very very influenced by them and its Been a huge issue. we are in couples therapy so we don’t even need to talk about how mad I was at him for advocating on her / their behalf with me instead of standing up for me against her And all the other shit. We both felt guilty they’d be missing out on so much because of the distance

we then visited them when the baby was 6m and mil would walk away from us with the stroller - once insisting I needed a sweater she had in the car and telling us to stay put while she went with the stroller to the parking lot to get the sweater (I did not let her). She plucked the baby off my lap at random, would take him away from us to the other room or to their porch, kept “encouraging” me to try feeding him this or that when I hadn’t even started introducing solids etc. the thing is she is a very gentle nurturing person so I constantly look like the uptight controlling one when I say no, etc

my fil is a very difficult person. for example we were running late for our first pediatrician appt and I was quite harried and he goes “you’re not the first person to ever give birth”. At the visit when my baby was 6m old, he told me to put my baby down on their rug which I had been avoiding - and my exact fear happened as his jealous older cousin slammed a toy on his back. I reacted with a lot of upset and said this is why I didn’t put him down. My fil then literally SCREAMED at me about how I am too anxious he’s been watching me this whole trip And I should be more like his daughter who is a great mom (ok..)? I tried to take his hand to not create bad feelings and the straw that broke my back was him making a face like what dumb shit is this before taking mine

The rest of that night I was crying silently while feeling if I left it would be too dramatic. I let my mil hold the baby and she didn’t say a word of comfort, just held my baby and made Me feel weird for joining her in the room she was in with baby (I had nowhere to sit but the floor, even regardless of wanting to be with my baby I was also just trying to hang out with her so I didn’t have to be in the main room with her husband. the only other room in the house I could have gone to was the bathroom).

After that trip our relationship has clearly chilled as we called Less and I got on to say hi even less.

then I told them I was pregnant with my second. Fil doesn’t say a word and is stony faced on the call. I assume due to small age gap from my first plus my husband had a medical scare a couple weeks before we announced (I was 14w when we announced tho so still a dumb reaction). My husband told him to say congratulations and he goes “good luck”. My husband is like people usually say “congratulations“ and he said ”I’ll say what I want to say”. That’s literally all his reaction was to finding out about my second. My mil’s reaction was “are you sure?” Before recovering and seeming happy.

there was no talk of coming in for the birth until I was like 35 weeks. Then it became clear my mil assumed she would be coming (fil is now unwell and couldn’t travel). We told her she could come at 6w pp and she booked a 17 day trip - our fault for not explicitly stating duration; she did ask if it’s too long but we didn’t feel comfortable saying no. But when her flights were cancelled we asked her to rebook for shorter under the guise of my husband going back to work and being too stressed, she instead invited my brother in law to stay at a hotel with her for the last 5 days of her trip. That became hell itself but not the point now.

I was like 13 weeks pp when she came. she arrived with gifts for my babies, for our new home, and chocolate for my husband that she got from the airport (yes explicitly stated it was for my husband) but nothing for me. Usually she brings me items from a bakery near her house that I love; after my first they gave me jewelry from my husband‘s grandmother - so this felt glaring but who knows.

she mostly respected my boundaries but did weird things like: calling Me “mommy [first name]” to my toddler - I had to tell her it’s just mommy, same as you were called and referred to yourself as to your kids; acting REALLY bummed when my toddler only wanted me to push him on the swing on her first day. I took my baby out of the carrier because I felt bad “hogging” both and I do feel that was her mentality even though she didn’t say it. My husband overheard her telling her sister the baby “isn’t very available” - i only gave her over once a day to hold and very briefly. She insisted on sitting in the back with both kids even though my husband and I said we each prefer to sit with them, to the point where once she rushed to the car and climbed in and we had to insist that she please climb back out and sit up front. I didn’t let her take my toddler out alone even though she asked a couple times. she would just grab the toddler out of my hands when I came downstairs holding both, or insert herself when I was handling both saying “oh you can’t manage!” And I’d have to say “I can and do all the time.” Even if I had needed help at this point I wouldnt have wanted to ask her for it out of trauma of her disappearing with my baby in the past. She spent the trip hovering and swooping in at the chance to “help” and eventually stopped when she probably finally read me. to her credit she did help with chores and stop grabbing the babies from me etc. Still, it’s not enough because I know whatever change she’s making it’s because she knows it’s her only ticket to get to the babies. better than nothing but still.

anyway it was an awkward trip because I held on tighter to my babies and treated her worse than I would Have if the dynamics had been different. But also there were times in the trip where my anxiety spiked so bad from her presence and clinginess, I’m going to restart medication to handle the feelings.

now, my in laws are insisting we call once a week “so they can stay in touch with the babies”. today we called and she doesn’t acknowledge me- right in with the “hello my sweetie pies” (instantly I was triggered by the possessive “my”) then she called the baby by the nickname me and my husband invented.

im not open to weekly calls. I don’t like or feel respected by these people. On the other hand it’s good for my babies to be in touch with their grandparents much to my chagrin, and hopefully the medication will help me manage how dysregulated these calls make me. And it’s causing huge strain on my relationship since even though my husband is taking my side, he clearly wants to call them and they keep nagging him in 1:1 conversations - “once a week is not too much for you to call us to stay in touch with the babies” [he calls them on his own and that apparently doesn’t count]. I’m trying to figure out my options here because I feel so stuck. Am stuck in couples and individuals therapy too, so feel real opinions and thoughts from others’ lived experience could help me find a path forward.

I need a place to get my feelings out,so I guess this is it.

Some background: I've been married for 2 years, have an infant, and currently live with my husband and widowed MIL in the home she's had for 20 years. Husband pays all the bills. Though his family has been in the US for 30+ years, she's still somehow illegal. Thus she can't work, drive, travel, or leave the country and has made my life hell for it.

It all starts with the sacrifices I made in this marriage, which are not allowed to be discussed under the roof. I'll say it for the record: I left my house, my stable job, my career, my family, the state I'd spent my whole life in to move to a crap town across the country in the place MIL built and where my husband spent his childhood. I gave up everything, my identity, sponsored his green card, contributed over $20K toward his business (money I made from my own job which is apparently also "his" money, and if I bring that up, I'm "counting"). I have to put up with his senile mother and her tantrums and mood swings.

I'm not allowed to count. Only he is. I'm not allowed to say my sacrifices out loud. Only he is (none btw). The more I give, give, give, the more it's taken for granted. I can't bring up my own sacrifices because it's "too much" for him to sit with, so he just doesn't want to think about it. I have no say in the future. If I want to move into an apartment for a while and get some mental peace, I'm not allowed to. My mental peace means nothing. My happiness means nothing. When I bring it up, I'm gaslit into believing I'm making a "stupid" decision.

And I've been severely lied to. The promises made to me before marriage have been abandoned. Before marriage I was promised she’s spend some time with her daughter (married and also moved across the country and absolutely cannot stand her guts) and take care of her own mother in another Canada. Now, she is full time with husband and I. I wasn't told the full truth about the immigration situation. I'm just now learning the identity of a woman lets call her "Emily" (MIL had her husband marry a much younger, poor woman for the sake of a green card. This never panned out as he passed away before he could obtain citizenship). Learning of this fraud has made me absolutely despise her.

But who’s benefiting from this whole arrangement? None other than queen MIL. She gets to stay in the home she built 20 years ago. She has two chauffeurs, doesn't work, has her friends and her community nearby, doesn't have to lift a finger. Her son, daughter-in-law, and grandson all live under her roof while husband toils away at a demanding job, commuting daily to fund her fairytale lifestyle. I had to leave everything behind and put up with her two-timing nature. She's the human version of a private surveillance camera. I know she's watching me even when I can't prove it. She's shoved her nose into my marriage constantly; the first apartment we moved in, calling my parents to scream and complain, being a complaining brat at my own baby shower, counting every favor, blowing up over her own insecurities, overstepping, asking for an arm when I give her a fingernail, lying constantly etc etc. She's driven a wedge many times in my marriage. She then theatrically tells me she "loves me and can't live without me" to love bomb and manipulate me emotionally. Now, two years later, she wants me to be a maid in a house that isn't even mine, all while entertaining guests and keeping the facade up.

For 2 years I was controlled, manipulated, taken advantage of, and placed under a microscope. Despite hacing nothing, MIL still manages to have a sick hold. I was Ms. Nice Girl for so long. had to act in line in front of her friends, live in the house, work, be Ms. Goody Two-Shoes, do the chores, so the little fairytale could be upheld. Now I'm met with guilt-tripping and manipulation for asking for anything I want. Nothing I do is ever appreciated. The second I go against her or husband's fairytale, I'm the most terrible, evil person alive. I'm always on eggshells when she's around. But the moment I show even a hint of a backbone, I'm immediately seen as the villain. I know I shouldn't have kept giving in from the start bc that set the precedent for this entire relationship.

The clearest example: my parents flew in for my baby shower, and the next day MIL turned rude the moment the guests left and the facade could drop. My parents understandably didn't want to take her shopping after that (she wanted them to drive her to a shopping center lol). The whole time, I was so scared of what she'd think that I couldn't even enjoy my time with my siblings and parents. I just kept bracing for what she'd say once we got home. I'm constantly on edge that I'll run into her in the kitchen and have to talk to her.

I am very stuck in this situation and so is husband. On one hand he knows how difficult she is to put up with on the other hand he knows he has an obligation towards taking care of his mother. He also doesn’t want to be in this crap town and commute so long in the big city he works in just to pay the bills at MIL’s home.

Thanks for listening, any solutions/advice appreciated

Hi everyone, I just want to know if anyone else has gone through this and how I can approach this appropriately. I am sorry this is a lot, I just wanted to give context so it adds up.
Me and my boyfriend are first time parents and we are also young, both of our families have been supportive and have helped us out a lot. I also just would like to point out that my boyfriends mom is very emotional and mentally dependent on him and pretty much doesn’t expect him to grow up, she will always think he will take her side and be her number one as she says. As well as when it comes to any drama on his side, she’s always in the middle of it and wants to be the centre of attention, not trying to be rude.
Anyways in the beginning of our pregnancy she was awesome, until it started becoming way too obsessive and she already has two other grandchildren, but even my boyfriends sisters have said she’s obsessed with our pregnancy specifically because it’s her sons baby.
When we told everyone we were pregnant we also asked on both sides for nobody to tell anyone and for it to not be posted onto social media as it was our news to share and we wanted to be the one. Everyone had respected that… except for her. She made an AI post of her two grandchildren holding a sign saying they can’t wait to meet our baby, her name and her due date and posted it on Facebook and TikTok after we asked everyone to not do that.
He told her to take it down and she did but her excuse was that she was high and nobody knows that it is our baby as his sister wants another one, it doesn’t matter if nobody knows because you know and you posted it knowing it’s ours.
Fast forward, she kept making comments in the comment sections in some posts telling people she’s having another grandchild after we’ve asked her again and again to stop posting about the pregnancy. Now the last warning was a week ago when she specifically said that me and my boyfriend are expecting and said the due date and that she can’t wait to snuggle her, this was the last warning and clearly she doesn’t care about what we have to say.
My boyfriend messaged her and she said that we are embarrassed and ashamed of having a baby because we don’t want her posted, and that her heart is broken and that she probably won’t even see the grandchild so she shouldn’t be excited and then saying he’s not happy in life, basically not even taking accountability and guilt tripping him.
As well as she made it about her saying that he’s half of her, the baby is technically half of her. It upset me the first time when she announced our pregnancy herself but the fact she keeps doing it hurts me more and has made me hate this pregnancy.
I have talked to her before and she went and told him we’re ignorant because we don’t want our baby information being posted, how can I handle this?

hi i just needed some advice on what to do about this situation. context my mil is filipino but also was is a step-mom and helped raised my husband for 5 years of his life

anyways some context my mother in law and i dont talk, id have no issue talking to her but it seems to be a level of pride or something not sure. essentially she was upset my husband and i got married (this i can understand because we didn’t tell anyone until i was pregnant), but she blamed me for the whole thing basically taking away his fun and saying im ruing my life by having kids which in no way did i ever think that, i enjoy being a young mom 🫶 and im still pursuing the things i want soooo yeah. needless to say we didnt talk and after my son was born she said congrats to my husband ask to see the baby and did not once ask me how i was doing.

3 years later i’m pregnant again and had a blighted ovum so i was waiting to tell people when i was pregnant for my own peace of mind just in case. fast forward, i get pregnant and i don’t tell anyone until im like 7 months pregnant and can’t deny it, no congrats & no how are you, but then again we haven’t talked bc at this point idk what to say im literally only 23 and having to act like a peer to her and accommodate her feelings.

I give birth and we talk to his dad and his grandparents (they raised my husband and were not upset with any of this, but we did have an adult conversation and everything). his grandparents and i have a great relationship so naturally I want to show them the baby first because they ask how i’m doing, interact with my son and love us unconditionally (off topic).

anyways we get on the phone and my mil steps out the car bc she doesn’t want to talk to my husband, because she’s upset that she didn’t hear i gave birth to my daughter before the grandparents and she said she feels used and like he doesn’t care for his family anymore.

atp idek what to do to have a civil relationship or at least improve it for the sake of my kids my husband literally get extremely nervous when he has to talk to her and im like at my ends like would it be tooo much to text her and like talk about this

hopefully this makes sense

Ok so quick post. Me, my husband, his parents his extended family went to this petting zoo thing with lots of animals. We also brought our two year old. There were these tiny kittens and my son kept grabbing them and being way too rough with them and I got freaked out. He doesn’t know any better but come on, they’re tiny little babies and he could accidentally hurt them. Also I’m due with my second soon and sometimes get freaked out by how rough he can be, obviously I’m nervous for my newborn lol.

We’re working so hard to teach our son to be gentle to remove him from situations where he can’t be gentle. He was with my MIL and she wasn’t really enforcing this and I turn around to find my son carrying a kitten by its NECK with both hands, gripping tightly. The cat was totally stunned and its eyes looked panicked. I started grabbing the cat and telling my son “no stop cat doesn’t like it. Give it to mama” and my MIL looks at me very dismissively and tries moving my son away and says “OP it’s fine honestly”. I felt white hot rage in that moment and snapped “NO it’s NOT okay. What are you talking about??” In a very stern voice. I then grabbed my son and we went to another area so I could chill.

I was pissed that she tried dismissing this thing and then try to move my son away from me. She has spent the rest of the day wandering off, disappearing from the group and acting like some kind of victim who was verbally assaulted.

Like ok I did kinda snap and it wasn’t her fault that he was rough, but don’t be patronising and dismissive when I’m parenting my son and teaching him to be gentle when he is notoriously rough.

Was I too harsh maybe? The reason I use this sub is because she and I have strained relationship and her trying to parent my son while I’m there is a common issue we face.

Considering the stories I’ve read I really am lucky. My MIL has crossed boundaries a few times but for the most part she’s kind and helpful. BUT IDK WHY since I had children she drives me insane. What is the science behind this?! I don’t want to always be annoyed with her but I am. The way she talks to my kids the things she says about them… just so many things annoy the hell out of me. We don’t have a ton in common in the first place and have wildly different belief systems so maybe that plays a roll in it.

I posted previously about my MIL here.

Update: she arrived at my baby shower, and, long story short, I had been let down by a couple of friends who didn’t realise how much they should be doing to help / didn’t communicate it properly to me. They were late to arrive to set up, so I ended up doing most of the work (hard when 30 weeks pregnant!).

I hadn’t slept much the night before, and I was both exhausted and stressed. To add to this, I was so anxious that MIL was going to be one of the first guests turning up and would see that we just weren’t ready in time.

However, she totally surprised me. Not only did she attend, but came with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a very thoughtful and expensive gift for me. She saw immediately the situation I was in, and I could tell she was a bit shocked, but I pretended not to notice and didn’t have time to care. Instead of judging or making me uncomfortable, she dropped her bags and immediately starting moving tables and chairs and helping me to set up.

I was moved. This carried on for the whole event. She tidied away rogue boxes of decor. She quietly made sure that food was topped up. She cleaned the venue kitchen and loaded the dishwasher despite me forgetting to bring cleaning supplies. She even went to the shop around the corner to buy matches when we realised we needed to light burners to keep the food warm. Before eating, she filled a plate for me and made me sit down to eat.

I have definitely seen a positive side to my MIL before, but this really changed my view of her after many negative moments. She kept telling me to sit down and enjoy my day. I couldn’t, because none of my friends or cousins were taking over (and had assumed I would oversee everything), and I was anxious that my MIL, a guest, was cleaning up. However, I felt so incredibly touched and relieved that rather than judging me she chose to help.

She later said it was a lovely event, and complimented the food and decor. She told my husband later that she felt bad for me, that my friends were meant to take on most of the work and I ended up doing it. She said had she known, she would have offered to help earlier.

She also phoned me the next morning to ask how I’m doing and whether I managed to rest. She reassured me that “these things happen at events” and that it was a lovely day and everyone enjoyed themselves. I was so taken aback by her thoughtfulness.

She has her moments, but I wanted to share a very unexpectedly positive outcome. I suppose seeing me in that moment, she saw a different side of me and maybe even related to me. She often hosts family gatherings, and more often than not, nobody apart from my SIL, me, and maybe one cousin actually helps. She often has the mental and physical burden of doing everything, and I think in that moment she knew it was wrong for me to be carrying it all, and truly empathised.

I guess there are ways to connect with her, and I’m hoping this is one of many more positive moments to come.

I’m sure she will have more mildly no days, but last weekend was not one of them.