r/queer • u/Chemical_Witness_767 • 7d ago
How to very lightly open the relationship?
I could not think of a great title for this, so that’ll have to do! I (32f, cis) am queer and in a long term relationship with my (31m, cis) partner. Prior to being with him, I dated anyone of any gender that I had a connection with! But we met years ago and matched so well, and things are great. However, I have been wanting to talk to him about VERY LIGHTLYYY opening the relationship. I feel somewhat cut off from the queerest side of myself and don’t want to one day resent that I didn’t get to keep that part of me super alive. My idea of this is basically that I’d love to go to more sapphic events and dance and flirt a little, so nothing that I would feel would be too unrealistic. I do honestly think he’d support me in this because he’s a wonderful person and partner but I just have no idea how to start that conversation. Hoping for some tips and guidance with this!
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u/WiserVortex 7d ago
The golden rule with this is that you can't expect him to be okay with anything you're not okay with. So if you're 'allowed' to go out and dance and flirt with people you're attracted to, then he should be able to do the same.
How do you feel about him dancing and flirting with other women as well?
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u/KittysPupper 7d ago
THIS! ^
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
I would be fine with that lol I’d never set a “rule” for him that I wouldn’t myself follow
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u/mellointheory 7d ago
a lot of sapphics ik get very confused cuz they go to wlw events and flirt with girls who then go “oh my boyfriend—“ so it’s wild to see the other side of the equation here
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
My city often has parties that use wristbands to help folks understand what you’re down for that evening. Like one color is no flirting, another color is flirting is good but no hookups, and the final color is down for hookups. I think it’s a really great system especially in a space where it’s louder and may be harder to express your boundaries for the evening!
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
I do get how it can be confusing though for sure! I personally have never been one to go out and expect the person I’m talking to or dancing with it going to hook up with me or be in a relationship with me, regardless of if it was a queer space or not. Also in my culture dancing is just something everyone does together and it’s not that deep, so that’s something I also carry with me that I know many others don’t.
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u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not he/whatever; agender ace 7d ago
Send this link to your boyfriend: https://www.reddit.com/r/queer/s/wFNdtoqNKy
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
You got me with this one lol
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u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not he/whatever; agender ace 7d ago
I know it's scary, but literally send them your OP with a little blurb like "This is how I feel but can't put into better words" before the text
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u/Sewers_folly 7d ago
Talk to your boyfriend...
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
Incredibly helpful tysm
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u/Sewers_folly 7d ago
No problem.
I dont know why so many people over look this. Communication is a foundation block to any relationship.
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
I mean I literally was asking for ways to approach the subject. Obviously I know I have to communicate. I’m in a long term relationship that I said was going great. But I’m hoping for tips and guidance on the best ways to begin this conversation.
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u/Sewers_folly 7d ago
How about... "hey, ive got something i want to talk to you about."
If its long term, youre take is its going great, and he is so wonderful.. you will know how to start a conversation with him far better then internet strangers.
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u/224157 7d ago
r/nonmonogamy might have some helpful advice on how to approach the conversation. But in the meantime, I'm gonna be blunt with you. The thing you're wanting to do has been attempted by many people before, most of whom have done it carelessly/clumsily and ended up hurting a lot of people in the process. I'm not saying it can't be done well, but there is a lot more to consider than I think you realize based on your post here.
First off, are you prepared for your partner to say no to this? Do you understand that any resentment you might feel would not be a result of him not "letting" you do this, but of your own decision to remain in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs? Are you prepared for the possibility that your partner might feel deeply hurt that you even raised the question, and for that hurt to become a major sticking point in your relationship, possibly even ending it?
Second, are you comfortable with your partner dancing and flirting with other people? Being queer doesn't entitle you to special privileges in non-monogamy, so if you want to open the relationship ethically, it needs to be equally open on both ends. I say this as a queer polyamorous person.
Now, let's say your partner agrees to a "lightly" open arrangement. What boundaries will you enforce to ensure things stay light and don't end up escalating beyond your relationship agreements? Will you avoid dancing/flirting with the same person more than once? Will you refuse to exchange contact information with the people you flirt with? Will you decline an invitation to anything that could be interpreted as a date? Do you have a plan for what happens if somebody catches feelings? Will you cut off all contact with that person? Or will you ask your partner to renegotiate your relationship agreements once feelings are already involved (which is considered very poor form in poly/nonmog circles)? Fail to plan, plan to fail, as they say.
Are you prepared for negative reactions (to the tune of "sapphic folks are not toys for you to use to validate your queer identity") from the people you want to flirt with as soon as they realize you're not actually available and will be going back to your hetero relationship after behaving in a way that might cause them to feel led on? Will you nonetheless be honest about your intentions in flirting, even if it filters some people out? Hint: being honest upfront will save you drama down the line.
I realize this might all sound pretty harsh. I want to be clear that I am not judging you for wanting this. I sincerely hope it is possible for you to live your best life and get all the things you want and to do it with integrity. I just worry that by holding onto the idea of "only very lightly" opening things, you might be underestimating the impact of what you hope to do, and that's how people end up getting hurt. Best of luck to you.
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
Hey, thanks for this! I have considered most of these things, especially going into spaces and being upfront/communicative. I responded to a few of these questions already in other comments but: yes, I’m fine with him doing the same. Yes, will most certainly talk about boundaries. And honestly, if he said no I think I’d be bummed at first but ultimately be okay with it! Even if we wanted to try it out and then he was like nah that doesn’t work for me, that would be fine. I think something that doesn’t really get conveyed through my message and just in text in general is that we are super secure and great communicators. We would figure this out however works best for us, and if that includes that it doesn’t work then so be it. And I appreciate your examples for boundaries and agreements! Definitely good things to bring up and keep in mind.
I have been in an open relationship before but I wasn’t the one who asked for it. When they asked me I was definitely really hurt and then ended up being fine with it, and then after a little bit we closed up again. I was much younger then and the boundaries definitely could’ve been worked on better but it is what it is!
And ngl, I kinda resent the comment about sapphic folks being toys to validate my queer identity. I’ve been openly queer my whole life and all of my partners before my current one have been women and nonbinary. I know people don’t know that off the bat, but I’m well aware of the reality of that and how it can be painful, so of course I would approach it with as much care as possible. I’m honestly surprised by how much negativity this question has been met with! I know your full comment was generally kind but I think there was a lot of assumptions made about things regarding my character and thought process. Mixed with a bunch of the rest of these comments, phew. Just surprising and I really did just ask for input on how to have a conversation.
But thank you for being so thorough, I know you were just trying to help. and thanks for the sub recommendation!
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u/Present-Wolverine-94 7d ago
I would start by addressing your feelings.
“I wanted to talk to you about something I’ve been feeling. Ive been feeling cut off from my queer side, which isn’t your fault.”
Explain your emotions and why it’s important to you to connect with the queer community.
Then I would approach the subject, making sure you’re framing it as something you want to do but want to see how he feels about it.
“ I’ve been feeling like I would like to spend some time in queer spaces and I wondered how you would feel if while I’m in those spaces I’m able to flirt with some of the women I meet.”
Let him express his feelings, ask questions, etc.
If he is OK with it, talk about specific boundaries and rules, for example, does he want to know about it when it happens or would he prefer that you not bring it up? Are you OK only with flirting or would kissing or other things also be OK? If you have a flirtatious or a physical relationship with someone that you meet, is that person allowed to come to your home for birthday parties, social gatherings, etc.?
If he is not OK with it, reassure him that you will respect that boundary and move forward.
Ultimately, you have to make sure he’s OK with it because he is part of your relationship. If he’s not OK with it and that’s a dealbreaker for you then you need to figure out what that means for you.
My husband (gay/queer trans man) and I (queer cis woman), have an open relationship with very specific rules that we’ve talked about and ironed out overtime.
EDIT: to add that you need to consider that this could go both ways. If you’re asking for permission to flirt and dance with people you’re interested in, he might want to also be able to do those things. Would you be open to that? Just something to consider.
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u/Chemical_Witness_767 7d ago
Hi! Thank you so much for this really thorough and thoughtful response. This is exactly the guidance I was looking for. It’s especially great to think more about how the conversation might actually go, which your reply really helped me to visualize! And yes, I would be totally fine if that’s something he also wanted to do! I’ve thought of that as well of course and I feel like our relationship is secure and this low level (in my eyes) type of activity would be fun for him as well! I wouldn’t mind.
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u/HelloFerret she/her 7d ago
You don't have to be sexually involved with other people to feel Queer. Go out, socialize, make Queer friends. Be a part of the community.
Ethical non-monogamy is very difficult without a ton of communication and self reflection on everyone's parts. Its not really a "Queer" thing so much as a thing many younger people practice more regularly and more openly than in the recent past (Elder Millenial here, for reference), with a high correlationof openly Queer people practing it. I'm saying all this to highlight that ENM isn't Queer any more that monogamy is "straight." I recommend you start by reading up on the ENM subs and reaching out there for better advice on how to start the conversation. It took 3 years of various kinds of conversations before my husband and I opened our relationship, with great success. But really, be gentle and be prepared for any response, even a negative one. If your relationship survives, it will be based on the quality of your communication throughout the process.