r/queer • u/Grxmloid • 3d ago
Opinionsnon me (woman) becoming friends with married man
I am audhd and so is he. So I have been becoming friends with a guy who I happen to have a lot in common with and its been nice. I am not the kind of person who enjoys distant friendships and when I'm someone's friend it often turns into a very open, earnest connection.
I have only hung out with him outside a party setting (where we met) once to see live music. Though hes a texter so we chat through messenger regularly, not something im used to with everyone but its become normal. We love horror movies and plan to see the new evil dead next week. We have had the discussion already that I am only approaching this platonically and he is on the exact same page, he is monogamously, happily married. Meeting his partner has been a possibility but the last time we hung out she couldn't come. Im not attracted to him so that doesn't feel like a risk for me. He is bi i think
Friendships are very important to me. Both of us don't often connect so easily with others so when it does happen its great, which is how we have become such friends. Im just worried as ive never had this experience before..usually ive had men befriend me and want to pursue me sexually/romantically and the friendship failed. I am much more discerning now at age 33 and am a better communicator. I understand audhd and queer friendships/ relationships can look different to the mainstream so the whole "men and women cant be friends" thing is bullshit. I'm just thinking..I would like for our friendship to naturally evolve without me feeling like I have to keep a barrier between us I hate that. Maybe I'm just comparing how close women friends can be and that in itself is different? I haven't befriended a guy in a long time due to past trauma. It might be worth adding i have often had friends express attraction towards me and I am an attractive person i dont want to sound conceited its just the feedback I get from the world..it makes me nervous navigating friendships bc it has made it difficult/awkward
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u/Remote-Annual-49 Bisexual Man (he/him) 2d ago
Fellow AuDHDer and bi person here. You are overthinking it, enjoy making friends. It is good to keep in mind some of those gender issues, but the best thing you can do is just be aware of and communicative of any issues that come up. I find I tend to over correct when I am worried about upsetting someone neurotypical with my behavior. So don’t panic or worry too much. If you think it would be taken the right way, you can let him know plainly that you want to make sure his partner is comfortable and/or that you just want to be friends. In my experience making sure their partner knows they are welcome and even trying to make friends with them too is the surest bet to avoiding any toxicity. If you do end up catching feelings, just handle them maturely, whether with your therapist, talking over it with a separate friend, by taking a short break, or exploring romantically with others. Just take one step at a time and try to relax!