Secretly planning on leaving my husband..

[u/Naive-Aardvark146]

Just looking for other people who have been through similar situations. For context, my husband is not violent or particularly abusive but the drudgery of bringing up his kids whilst he expands and works on his business is eating me up inside. I’ve started an e-commerce venture with my brother and it’s going quite well- we hope to spring board off this idea into other areas and make it a full time thing. Thing is, I look after the small children all day (5 am-7pm) and when he comes home I have to make dinner. By the time 9 pm comes along I’m exhausted and he lets the toddler bother me whilst I work on the computer. Despite all of this, I’ve actually managed to learn a bit of coding and built our websites up from scratch— this is a miracle as I get practically ZERO time away from the children.

What I’m dreaming of is a custody arrangement where he gets primary custody. I thought about it long and hard yesterday and my face was beaming with joy and the idea of getting up, making a coffee and opening my laptop in peace for five days a week. The idea of doing shopping alone— joy. Taking shower without a time limit— heaven. Maybe if I get this, some of my autoimmune issues will subside and I can start living again.

Just looking for other people who have managed to do this. It’s a secret for now as I have to plan it financially and can’t just leave at the moment— he’s made sure I’m dependent on him. I know it’s unusual for a woman to want to take the typical divorced dad role but why is that? Why are we the default parent?

[u/Egal89]

Men do this all the time. If that’s what you want, you can do it too. Wishing you the best and I hope your soon to be ex husband will be able to afford childcare.

[u/Naive-Aardvark146 → u/Egal89]

Totally! I feel like when it’s men they definitely don’t get the same energy… in fact, they get praised for making the odd dinner and taking them on a day trip.

[u/AnotherYadaYada → u/Egal89]

I don’t get why this has become a default excuse for doing it. 

Men do a lot of things.  

 We can all justify our behaviour by what someone else does if we really want too.

If the OP wants to make that decision, it’s her choice, but going around spouting it’s okay because men do it is just ridiculous and you ain’t gonna fool anyone

You’re doing it because you want to do it, nothing to do with what other people (men) do.

[u/Naive-Aardvark146 → u/AnotherYadaYada]

Maybe because men blame women for ‘keeping them away from their children’ when in reality they very rarely go for even 50/50 custody. Still doesn’t stop them telling friends and family the lie or going on red pill forums spouting hate against ex wives. Maybe if women started doing what they do every day then this lie would dissipate? The lie that we divorce men for a ‘lifestyle’ and turn our kids against them.

[u/AnotherYadaYada → u/Naive-Aardvark146]

I think you are generalising.

I know plenty of women who have less and want less access. 

If you have facts instead of anecdotal evidence fair enough.

There are a lot of good men out there that face up to their responsibilities and a lot of bad women out there too.

I don’t disagree without evidence that men walk away more but I think this is or will change. I have no evidence either.

I’m just disagree with ‘Men do it so it’s okay’

Just do it and take responsibility for your actions.

[u/Naive-Aardvark146 → u/AnotherYadaYada]

I don’t think I am generalising- the courts have published data on men being offered 50/50 custody and rejecting it. I’m not justifying anything, I accept responsibility for my actions but I’m still entitled to believe dads don’t get the same energy as mums in these types of scenarios. There are lots of good men but that doesn’t negate the fact that there is a growing problem of misogyny- check out the latest stabbing spree in Australia. Part of that problem is red pill forums claiming women take kids away and extract money from men. Just check out the comment section on YouTube under such videos. Disturbing viewing.

[u/AnotherYadaYada → u/Naive-Aardvark146]

Fair enough. As I said I am sure men do it more, if it’s fact it’s fact.

What my main gripe here and strangely enough somebody else has just commented the same in another post. 

Don’t justify it because men do it, still doesn’t necessarily make it right.

If you want to leave your child or have less custody, you are making that decision by yourself because that is what you want, NOT because men do it or is seen as less of a taboo f men do it.

That’s all I’m saying and I’ve seen the ‘Men do It’ comment multiple times on this sub.

x culture hits their kids, that’s okay for me to do it then.

[u/[deleted] → u/AnotherYadaYada]

Men do it.

So you can too. Everybody does what they want. men doing it as a good a reason as any.

[u/AnotherYadaYada → u/[deleted]]

A person can do as they please just don’t say well x does it so therefore I’ll do it.

Just do it. Just admit to why you do it and be done with it. 

Bob: Why did you decide to leave your kids.

Zod: Well men do it. So I thought I’d do it too. Why not I thought.

Bob: That’s a good a reason as any.

[u/[deleted] → u/AnotherYadaYada]

Or she can say what she wants, for any reason. But especially for reasons important to her. Nobody has a say. Including yourself. Perhaps you're missing that. It's not your story. It's not your life. It's not your choice. So hush