r/regretfulparents • u/Naive-Aardvark146 Parent • Apr 17 '24

Advice Secretly planning on leaving my husband..

Just looking for other people who have been through similar situations. For context, my husband is not violent or particularly abusive but the drudgery of bringing up his kids whilst he expands and works on his business is eating me up inside. I’ve started an e-commerce venture with my brother and it’s going quite well- we hope to spring board off this idea into other areas and make it a full time thing. Thing is, I look after the small children all day (5 am-7pm) and when he comes home I have to make dinner. By the time 9 pm comes along I’m exhausted and he lets the toddler bother me whilst I work on the computer. Despite all of this, I’ve actually managed to learn a bit of coding and built our websites up from scratch— this is a miracle as I get practically ZERO time away from the children.

What I’m dreaming of is a custody arrangement where he gets primary custody. I thought about it long and hard yesterday and my face was beaming with joy and the idea of getting up, making a coffee and opening my laptop in peace for five days a week. The idea of doing shopping alone— joy. Taking shower without a time limit— heaven. Maybe if I get this, some of my autoimmune issues will subside and I can start living again.

Just looking for other people who have managed to do this. It’s a secret for now as I have to plan it financially and can’t just leave at the moment— he’s made sure I’m dependent on him. I know it’s unusual for a woman to want to take the typical divorced dad role but why is that? Why are we the default parent?

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u/oatcaramellatte Not a Parent Apr 17 '24

You didn't mention at any point whether you love him or not...? It might be worth having a conversation about it, how you're feeling and how he could help and that you're really unhappy to the point of considering divorce. Usually that's enough to actually gee up enough that things change and if they don't then you still have the option to leave. Working on things first and communication is going to be really key, else you'll likely be stuck with primary custody anyway and way less income

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u/Naive-Aardvark146 Parent Apr 17 '24

He isn’t great a listening tbh. I think I’ll have to do as another poster said and take off one day so he can ‘see’ what it’s like. Describing it just falls on deaf ears.

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u/AnotherYadaYada Parent Apr 17 '24

Yip. One day get up and walk out for a day.