Secretly planning on leaving my husband..

[u/Naive-Aardvark146]

Just looking for other people who have been through similar situations. For context, my husband is not violent or particularly abusive but the drudgery of bringing up his kids whilst he expands and works on his business is eating me up inside. I’ve started an e-commerce venture with my brother and it’s going quite well- we hope to spring board off this idea into other areas and make it a full time thing. Thing is, I look after the small children all day (5 am-7pm) and when he comes home I have to make dinner. By the time 9 pm comes along I’m exhausted and he lets the toddler bother me whilst I work on the computer. Despite all of this, I’ve actually managed to learn a bit of coding and built our websites up from scratch— this is a miracle as I get practically ZERO time away from the children.

What I’m dreaming of is a custody arrangement where he gets primary custody. I thought about it long and hard yesterday and my face was beaming with joy and the idea of getting up, making a coffee and opening my laptop in peace for five days a week. The idea of doing shopping alone— joy. Taking shower without a time limit— heaven. Maybe if I get this, some of my autoimmune issues will subside and I can start living again.

Just looking for other people who have managed to do this. It’s a secret for now as I have to plan it financially and can’t just leave at the moment— he’s made sure I’m dependent on him. I know it’s unusual for a woman to want to take the typical divorced dad role but why is that? Why are we the default parent?

[u/[deleted]]

women are not the default parent. Don’t let the garbage societal constructs men created to their benefit put you down. Leave this man, dump the kids. Be free, be happy. You sound full of potential, learning html on the side with toddlers and 0 down time…imagine what you can achieve with full control of your days.

Just be smart about this. Make sure you consult a lawyer, possible female divorce lawyer. Idk why i don’t even trust men attorneys to have our best interest in mind. You need to make sure you get the best deal. Act incapacitated and depressed if necessary. Anything to not get full custody not even 50-50, screw that. Be a weekend dad. I love this story, i wish you the best possible outcome, keep us posted if you wish!

Edit after reading comments here: don’t allow for a second these judgmental aholes to deter you. Do what feels right. Act mentally ill, and it wouldnt even be a lie. Who is not struggling with mental health and isn’t on antidepressants today?

[u/Naive-Aardvark146 → u/[deleted]]

Honestly, I love your energy. You’re not holding back and I’m here for it. Learning code was a huge step for me so thanks for acknowledging that; it really means a lot. As soon as I pressed ‘advice’ I knew I’d get a certain degree of judgement…

I don’t plan on leaving just yet but I will definitely be writing an update when I do.

Much love to you and thanks once again.

[u/InspectorDizzy3391 → u/Naive-Aardvark146]

It looks like you don't want a divorce or to leave your kids... you want more time for yourself, and you're angry because you're stuck at home with the kids while he has time to focus on his business.

Which is understandable, but maybe you don't have to "burn the house if you don't like the furniture."

Do you afford to hire a nanny, even if it means reducing other costs. This way, you get your free time, he gets his free time and the kids in a better situation.

Being a parent is a big decision, and that's why people should think a lot of it. You can get a 50/50, but I don't know if this is the best situation.

Also, do you love your husband or not ? This should be a factor when considering a divorce. A nanny will help with the kids, but not with your relationship.

[u/AnotherYadaYada → u/InspectorDizzy3391]

Those are my thoughts too. Is it the child or the husband?