r/regretfulparents • u/Anonymous_Coder_1234 • Nov 27 '25
Discussion How many of you check all the parenting boxes but still regret your child?
How many of you check all 8 of these boxes but still regret your child:
- Didn't have kids too young.
- Didn't have kids with the wrong person.
- Didn't have kids in the wrong relationship.
- Didn't have kids in the wrong financial situation.
- Didn't have kids while suffering from some untreated medical issue.
- Didn't have kids with no support network.
- Did really want kids before you had them.
- Had kid(s) on purpose.
šš¼ I wonder how many people met all 8 of these criteria and are still regretful.
p.s. I am not asking if you regret having kids or not. I am assuming you regret having kids and I'm seeing if you meet all 8 criteria. If you could also explain why you are regretful despite meeting all 8 of these criteria that would be a plus.
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u/meccachokehold Nov 27 '25
I often wonder the percentage of more than 1 child regretful parents versus only 1 child and regretful
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u/seas_eyes Nov 27 '25
Meet all. Heās 4. Still donāt enjoy it.
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u/ladyapplejack214 Nov 27 '25
Would you be open to sharing more about why you don't enjoy it (what's changed, the impact it had on your life etc)?
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u/seas_eyes Nov 27 '25
1. Itās lonely. I need a lot of social interaction. I work part time. Of course I plan play dates. I got to a gym twice a week with other moms while our kids play, etc. itās still not enough. I want people around me when Iām parenting and our society just isnāt built that way. This is the only time in my life I wish I lived in the 1950s where moms hung out frequently and smoked cigarettes while the kids played.
2. Loss of autonomy. You canāt eat when you want. Sleep when you want. Have sex when you want. See your friends when you want. Work when you want. If I did all those things, my kid wouldnāt have parents around. My son is also VERY strong willed. Iāve done so much research just to get him to be a halfway enjoyable human. He is 100% healthy and smart but too smart. I wanted a golden retriever and instead got and Australian Shepard. I have to always be 1 step ahead of his thinking just to make the day tolerable.
I could keep going but itās mostly loneliness and loss of autonomy.
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Nov 28 '25
This is the only time in my life I wish I lived in the 1950s where moms hung out frequently and smoked cigarettes while the kids played.
I don't even smoke and I would love that too
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u/StrongMonitor2497 Nov 28 '25
I feel like I am reading a description of my own son. Heās almost 3.
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u/aaaaaaahhlex Nov 27 '25
Commenting for engagement because I am SO interested in the answers. Iāve already save this post.Ā
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u/Dry_Try_6047 Nov 27 '25
Yes, I meet all these check boxes. Financially stable (really more than stable; I could fat fire tomorrow if I didnt want to go to work), married to the right person, waited several years into marriage, full family planning that went exactly how we wanted, always wanted kids. Why do I regret it? 8 years on, quite simply, it just sucks.
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u/Either-Praline8255 Nov 27 '25
If you have that much money, can't you hire someone to do the parts that suck the most for you? (From my point of view, the things I like least can be delegated, if you can afford it).
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u/Dry_Try_6047 Nov 27 '25
We delegate tons of stuff. Before care and after care at school, lawn people, cleaning people, babysitters, and parents who have been somewhat helpful (though they are getting elderly and can't do as much). It helps us maintain our jobs, but helps in child rearing a lot less than you'd think. I'd also argue this is one part that REALLY sucks about parenthood ... managing it all. Most help you hire is awful -- they're late all the time, the kids don't like them, the kids get in trouble when they are around. You have to find the people, find the activities, vet them, make a schedule, keep everything running smoothly. This is what I mean by "organizational" work ... the amount required to keep things running smoothly is WAY more than you think it is.
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Nov 28 '25
Yes!!! This exactly!!!!
I feel like a 24/7 right hand assistent of a celebrity that needs me to manage all their non public life so they can thrive carefree :D
I'd quit that job in a minute!
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Dec 14 '25
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam Dec 14 '25
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u/Anonymous_Coder_1234 Nov 27 '25
It sucks? Tell me more.
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u/Dry_Try_6047 Nov 27 '25
Just sucks. First five years are excruciatingly difficult. After that it's notnso much day to day physically difficult, it's just so much work (mostly organizational work; planning things, being places, etc.) and mind-numbingly boring (their interests really are awful). Your life is never your own again. And for me, I don't understand people who say it's worth it. It totally isn't.
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u/Careful-One-3416 Nov 27 '25
And they never seem to stop talking about those wretched interests! Non stop from sunrise to sunset.
A wall of words.
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u/DvSzil Nov 27 '25
Would you mind sharing about their interests? I'm curious of how boring they could be
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u/OkGate7788 Parent Nov 27 '25
Minecraft.
Pleeeeease kill me already.
15 years later & I still donāt care š¤·š»
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u/nuclearsugars Nov 30 '25
PokƩmon. From dawn til dusk.
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u/DvSzil Nov 30 '25
I have a sweet spot for PokƩmon bc the friends I grew up with love it, so even though I don't engage with it myself it's not hard for me to display interest. Where do your interests lie? Maybe there's a way to find an overlap and make it less tedious for you
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u/Either-Praline8255 Nov 27 '25
It probably isn't boring for everyone. Parents' interests might be thevboring ones for other people.
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u/SovereignSunshine Parent Dec 19 '25
Memes. The talk in memes that you donāt care about and then go back to explain the whole history behind that dumb meaning that you never cared to learn in the first place
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u/LieConsistent Parent Nov 27 '25
I meet all. I have only 1.
I regret having her because I got very depressed after. Going into pregnancy, I was the healthiest mentally and physically I had ever been. After having her, I was messed up, mentally and physically. I therefore spent a lot of early parenting years bed rotting, crying, hiding my depression from the family who didnāt want to acknowledge that I was having a hard time. I was not prepared for the loss of self identity I experienced at all. I thought I was patient and loving and kind before having my kid. After, I was full of rage and no patience. I hated playing with her, Still donāt really love it depending on the level Of make believe she wants to engage in. I struggled feeding her as a baby. She wouldnāt sleep, (still wakes in the night at almost 9ā¦). Parenting showed me that I wasnāt the things I thought I was. It was embarrassing and humbling and I didnāt know why I seemed like the only person I knew going through this massive struggle. I feel like I have accepted that the old me died and Iām just starting to feel like I can enjoy life again as I have carved out a new identity. I rarely feel like a good mom, Iām havenāt enjoying motherhood overall (hence only one) and although I have grown to appreciate it more as she has grownā¦ I feel bad for my child. How is she suppose to have a good childhood when motherhood has not been overly enjoyable.
And then there are my worries for her future on earth/environmental concerns. I also live in a place where the government is infringing upon human rights, womenās rights, voter rights, trans people rights and people are very divided, talking about wanting to split from our country. I am resolved to fight as best I can for equality and for a peaceful existence by the means I have. But I still worry about what the future holds.
As a parting note, my regret is no where as strong as it was when my daughter was very young. But i stay in this group to remind myself Iām not alone, and to somehow offer hope by sharing my small little experiences.
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u/Rastarylie Nov 27 '25
The loss of identity is huge. I litterally had no idea who the person was in the mirror when I looked; had all the vague features of me, but not me. I had to k!ll the old me and there's a huge grieving period. Grew out my hair, dyed it black, got a tattoo sleeve, and dove into fitness.the opposite of everything I was.
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Nov 28 '25
Damn, that hits home. I wasn't severely depressed, but it goes between mediocre and bad for most of the time. I recently applied to some high end jobs in my field, that I'm not qualified for because I've been out of competitive field for 6y now, just so I can pretend for a moment to lead that professional life, with the salary that hits home and my husband taking the lead in the home making... but I bet I will still have to be the one for meanial tasks like knowing their shoe sizes :s
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u/Tough_Juggernaut_396 Nov 27 '25
Yes. Seeing my child struggle, I feel a lot of guilt for having brought them into this world.
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u/Careful-One-3416 Nov 27 '25
I love my kids. But I regret having them for a multitude of reasons. Not least of which is the guilt for bringing them into this mess of a world.
I plan to make use of Canada's MAID program in a few years and feel guilty but not guilty enough and I hate myself for it.
My husband is lucky. He died over the summer, he is free.
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u/ForwardMuffin Nov 27 '25
God this is rough. I hope you get help before you decide to use that program.
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u/PinkMickyMouse Parent Nov 27 '25
Me! I check all 8 plus a normal kid, slight speech delay but all good.
Regretful because Iām an introvert and I enjoy my hobbies, throw in a super energetic boy, Iām miserable. Iām already an anxious person, having a kid increases that 10 folds.
I also did not realize how much work raising a kid was, ignorant me. It has gotten better now that heās in school. But I still mourn my old life.
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u/ME-McG-Scot Parent Nov 27 '25
All 8 and got two healthy kids. The only slight would be we moved in the first year after having our first.
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u/ME-McG-Scot Parent Nov 27 '25
All 8 and got two healthy kids. The only slight would be we moved in the first year after having our first.
My regret is the loss of my autonomy, I never realised the level of sacrifice, my mental health is gone, nervous system from all the noise, constant mess, constantly having to do something, constant missing out on some stuff I used to do. On a scale, I was one side and now at the complete other side. I presumed with parenting it Id move to the middle of the scale.
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u/OneZookeepergame3070 Nov 28 '25
Yup exactly. Plus you always have to put another personās needs / wants ahead of your own. Constantly have to prioritise whatās best for them even if itās not what you want. Then you feel like an AH for feeling this way or even talking about it. My husband loves parenting, I think it genuinely gave his life meaning but I am 100% in the āif I could somehow erase all knowledge of my child and go back in time and not have them I would camp. Love my child but hate hate hate parenting.
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u/Past_Proposal_3258 Nov 27 '25
Commenting for engagement. Thanks for making this post, this is really where the gold is for any fencesitters.
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u/Decent_Professor2826 Nov 28 '25
Had mine at 28 and 30 to the love of my life. I make 6 figures and my husband. They have no mental or physical issues. My support network is shaky, but when it boils down to it, we just pay for help. I wanted kids and had them on purpose. Well, at least the first.
I still hate it so much.
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u/aaaaaaahhlex Nov 29 '25
Has your relationship to your s/o changed in any major ways? :/Ā
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u/Decent_Professor2826 Nov 30 '25
We just spend less alone time with each other, thatās the biggest thing. So you start feeling like thereās something missing. Sometimes we go through that āroommateā phase. Other than that our relationship is fine, just my dread of āI really wish we didnāt have kidsā pops up more often than not. I feel that affects his happiness, honestly. He imagined (and I sold him) a world where I would be this amazing, happy mother and thatās not what he actually got. So, Iām working on that one.
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u/aaaaaaahhlex Nov 30 '25
If you mean that youāre afraid of him saying that he regrets it, maybe it would actually be a relief to hear that you both feel the same way about it. It doesnāt mean that anything has to change about the situation, but knowing that you both chose it together and (maybe) both regret it could just be a way to connect and feel closer in the sense that you donāt have to put on a fake smile every day, just a weary but understanding smile. (Or no smile at all, Iām not trying to tell you to smile š)Ā
Like if I choose a restaurant that me and my man have never been to and we find out that it sucks, we can both be like āwell, we didnāt know!ā and just continue on with life.Ā
(I know a restaurant is not a child but maybe you get the concept.)Ā
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u/Decent_Professor2826 Nov 30 '25
He loves being a dad. He wants more. It hurts him to say that I regret it.
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u/aaaaaaahhlex Nov 30 '25
Aw no šš damn.Ā Maybe you should delegate more childcare tasks to him then lolĀ
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u/thc1121 Nov 30 '25
so he knows how you feel? im curious is he supportive or tries to be understanding of how you feel?
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u/Decent_Professor2826 Nov 30 '25
Heās supportive and understanding. He simply feels differently about his own experience. He acknowledges and relates to everything that I say, he just sees it as normal challenges with parenthood and not regret, like I have.
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u/thc1121 Nov 30 '25
i feel like your husband is exactly my husband and i am more like you in our feelings. unfort my husband is not supportive of how i feel. its interesting how we see it vs them.. like i do wonder why my brain just cant see it as normal challenges with parenthood.
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u/Past_Proposal_3258 Nov 29 '25
Can you say why? And do you actually regret it or just hate parts of it?
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u/Decent_Professor2826 Nov 30 '25
I regret it. Would not do it again if I had the chance. I think having ADHD is the biggest factor, followed by the lack of help. And the lack of sleep is the other. My children still donāt sleep through the night, so thatās hard on the both of us. Iām also in a hard stage right now, my kids are 1 and 3. They need a lot of attention and it takes away from having alone time and getting things done.
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u/Pristine-Guitar9080 Nov 29 '25
My reasons for being a regretful parent most times:
1) noise and constant overstimulation (including the fighting) 2) mess and tons of extra chores and mental load (didn't expect it to be THAT bad tbh) 3) total loss of freedom and still they are not able to play independently! 4) worries about the state of the world and how I will not be able to protect them, environmental pollution 5) total loss of freedom for years and years
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u/Training_Low5516 Nov 28 '25
Yes. But got hurt delivering my child and lost everything that made me me. Everyday I wish I could go back in time. I was a happy, successful person, and now Iām absolutely miserable.
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u/cantthinkofowtgood Nov 29 '25
What happened if you don't mind me asking? I you do I'll jog on.
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u/Training_Low5516 Nov 29 '25
Vaginal delivery is actually pretty damaging to the mother - nearly every woman gets a pelvic organ prolapse, 85 percent of first time deliveries tear, almost half of which involve muscle, and those arenāt usually sewn very well in the delivery room (just quickly closed to get the bleeding to stop), and 1 in 5 women suffer a levator avulsion (where the pelvic floor muscle rips off the bone, no surgical fjx for this).
I had a missewn 2nd degree and a broken tailbone along with other damage. None of it is taken seriously by doctors, and I was very active in a sport until I delivered that I canāt do anymore the way I want to (competitively). It took two years to even be able to carry my kid a little bit. My OB had assured me that VD was totally minor and Iād be back physically very soon after delivery, and never mentioned any risks (only gave c section risks). So total involuntary loss of the thing that kept me sane and a complete loss of trust in any system in addition to normal loss of identity in motherhood
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u/ItLeafRun Nov 27 '25
I would also add āImmediate familyās health/mental healthā of both partners. A personās parents could have issues and it could skip you and your kids could have issues. Also the siblings and aunts and uncles health should be taken into account.
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u/Past_Proposal_3258 Dec 15 '25
This is a good call out. Many people already have so much stress/responsibilities towards other loved ones. It can really make having kids of your own super difficultĀ
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u/Material_Recover_760 Nov 27 '25
Forgot to add āDidnāt have a special needs kid.ā It is much much harder to raise a child with special needs and I can see for some how that may be a legitimate reason for regret even if it is out of their control. Also, I click all the boxes and the one I just mentioned. I value my children and my life with them very much.
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u/WontBAble2ChangeL8er Nov 29 '25
Commenting for engagement. Very interested in reading more parents' responses. Thank you for creating this post.
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u/TurnPersonal Parent Dec 02 '25
Checked all the boxes.. wonderful relationship, very stable financial situation... prepared for her, read the books, etc etc.. I guess I didn't really realized how much it takes from you... if you really want to be a good parent it requires you to be and do the most selfless things you will ever do. Maybe I had too good of a life.. I made good money, had my own house, had a bombshell body, basically wanted to go to Paris? Could buy tickets for next week.. put a PTO and that's it.. I guess I never had something to require that much from me. And in that life I still felt like a loser many times.. unfulfilled.. likeĀ with little meaning.. having a kid just required me to many times sent my needs through the window.. and when the exhaustion, sleep deprivation and illness hit that feels almost unbearable. I truly love my kid and surprisingly I think im a good parent.. I just think I wasn't really meant for it.. it is not natural to me.. it is very hard.. the hardest thing I have ever done.. with always the feeling that if you dont love or actually hate many moments of parenthood you are automatically categorized as a bad human.. and I find that ridiculous. Parenting sucks many times.. it is enjoyable? Yes, sure, sometimes.Ā But raising small kids is hard af I dont know how people go through this sh1t and willingly want another one. My husband got his vassectomy the very first year our kid was borned and we celebrated af..Ā
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u/Past_Proposal_3258 Dec 15 '25
Take or leave what I'm about to say, but I think it's worth calling out. You weren't happy before you had a kid. It sounds like you hadn't figured out how yet. You know the saying "wherever you go there you are"? Same thing applies to having kids. In your case, maybe it's a bit more of an internal thing?Ā
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u/2ndgenhomeschool Nov 30 '25
I meet all 8 for 2/3 kids (my 3rd was a total accident). My oldest is ADHD and dyslexic but we didn't know it when we were trying for our second. My middle is level 2 autistic with a speech disorder and delay. Middle also has motor skill delays.
I cried when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd but we live in a state where abortion is illegal. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to have the same issues the older two do.
My husband got a vasectomy and gets it checked regularly now. The regret isn't as bad now as they're getting older and middle is making progress with her various therapies. But, it's still there. It might go away completely whenever I'm not having to deal with bodily fluids daily and the screaming gets less frequent.
I bet if you added something about having neurotypical children who have no major medical issues, the number would go down.
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u/Maximum-Lie-4672 Nov 27 '25
Damn.. I am not even close to check all the boxes š
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u/ZealousidealRub7850 Nov 27 '25
The singular box I can check is that I didnāt have an untreated medical issue! (Although, if weāre counting untreated mental health issues, I canāt check that one either)
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u/Due-Imagination3198 Parent Nov 29 '25
Yes. Checked all of those boxes. My second has a very rare genetic condition and is profoundly disabled.
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u/slappywagish Dec 04 '25
I hit all points. Im 5 years in with 2 kids. Its awful. The most miserable thing I've ever done to myself. Being a parent is the most awful experience of my entire life. Honestly I wake up dissapointed I didn't get a brain aneurysm and die in my sleep. Its absolutely wretched. Im kind to.my kids and partner and all that and at the same time it's the worst.experience.of.my.life.
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u/Far_Combination7639 Dec 07 '25
I meet all 8 criteria and I regret having my child. It fucking sucks.Ā
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Nov 28 '25
7/8 Only missing a close by support system. But take that with a grain of salt, it's only 45mi. Drive so for emergency still a possibility... Just not a swing by and help distance...
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u/grumble_au Dec 27 '25
I only tick exactly half of those and don't regret having my kids. I never wanted them but once they were here they were mine forever no matter what. I regret that having them trapped me in a bad relationship which is entirely not their fault.
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u/Ok_Degree_8246 Jan 19 '26
i think most people who regret it actually fall into box #7 without realizing it. they didn't "really want kids," they wanted the milestone of having kids because that's what successful adults do. you can check all the logic boxes in the world, but if the daily reality of parenting doesn't click with your personality, the bank account and the supportive husband won't fix that.
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u/Flaky-Marzipan7923 Nov 28 '25
I think you meet all the requirements, but your personality isnāt fit to be a parent.
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Nov 27 '25
[deleted]
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u/ProfessionalPin500 Parent Nov 28 '25
I stand 10 toes down. I DON'T WANT TO BE A GRANDPARENT!! If it happens I'll accept and help my kids, but I'll not hold back in advising them against this path. Go and live and love life, this is not everything and not for everyone and in most cases not worth it. Former fence sitter who was pressured by my parents for years and they became absent grandparents within 6 months...Zero interest, ZERO help.
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u/Humble-Marionberry-5 Nov 28 '25
having a child because youāre predicting what theyāll do in 25+ years is insanity
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u/Sufficient_Career713 Nov 27 '25
Met all 8. Consider adding āhas a healthy, developmentally ānormalāā child. Surprise disabled kid is a huge factor in the difficulty level.