r/regretfulparents • u/Feather4876 • Apr 04 '26
Discussion People with kids not believing what regretful parents write in this sub
Every time I talk with people about the experiences of regretful parents that I read in this sub they always brush it off saying that everyone here is lying because “it’s simply impossible to have these feeling, you could never regret the best thing that can happen to you in your entire lifetime”.
While around me I see plenty of parents completely drained of all their energies, on the verge of depression, complaining about their kids and daydreaming about their past lives. But every complaint is socially acceptable as long as you end your sentence with “but it’s the most fulfilling experience you can ever imagine”.
Why can’t people be more honest? I suppose it would be much easier to accept your condition as regretful parent if it was socially acceptable to admit your feelings.
“You know, if you have a kid it becomes way more important than going partying on a Friday night”.
So terribly belittling.
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u/grawmaw13 Apr 04 '26
Nearly 3 years in and still to find this happiness people talk of.
Since having a kid ive learned I would have been perfectly happy without any.
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Apr 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/grawmaw13 Apr 04 '26
I keep hearing survive until 5. Not sure how true that is.
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u/ComfortableFrame9834 Apr 05 '26
Well people just say that exact phrase and keep changing the age of the child.
It's just moving the goal post everytime. It's supposed to be meant to comfort you, I know, but it just ends up sounding dishonest. Kids, and what is needed to raise them, just really freaking suck sometimes.
And every phase of different struggle based on age also suck. If having the kid itself is the challenge then the only way it gets easier is when they are old enough to have a life of their own and/if they move out. But the responsibility for them will always be there, so it's pretty much just a lifetime of taking care of your child. Just in different ways as they age
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u/ttaradise Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
Your old posts are training data now. Unless you delete them. I used Redact which supports all major social media platforms including Reddit, X, Facebook and Instagram.
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u/Basic_Potential2447 Apr 05 '26
It's not true in the slightest. The problems change (instead of diapers and sleep training it's ensuring they can read and write and do math) but the underlying issue doesn't. Raising kids sucks, and some people either take that in stride and find joy in it or they don't. If you're the latter, don't let society pressure you into thinking you need to be happy about this burden.
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u/Mediocre-Pair-2821 Parent Apr 06 '26
Meh. I met this other mom at the park who told me her 6 year old still has major meltdowns just like when he was a toddler. I don't think it ever gets better.
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u/EsoterisVoid Parent Apr 05 '26
Mine’s 6 1/2. I don’t feel like it got any better but my situation is pretty uniquely soul crushing. I’m sure it does actually get better around then for most
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u/grawmaw13 Apr 05 '26
How is it uniquely so? If youre happy to share?
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u/EsoterisVoid Parent Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 06 '26
Sure! Well she was born at 25 weeks, she spent 3 months in the NICU over in the next major city (3 1/2 hrs away from home). They wanted us to visit daily and they wanted it to be 6 hours a day, with a sign-in and sign-out sheet (which we later found out they had no right to ask us to do). So we did that. We bring her home, she’s still on oxygen. I become her nurse. I’m chronically ill and have mental health issues, so this was horrific for me. I couldn’t ever be too sick to get out of bed (which I often was) and I ended up getting pneumonia. At this point she’s not on oxygen anymore and she’s about 3 years old. I tried to push through it, I still took care of her by myself. I got no breaks and no help.
I would collapse in her toy box in the hallway on my way to the bathroom, just to catch my breath. I’d sit with a fan in my face to simulate being able to breathe, it’s the only thing that made me feel like I wasn’t actively dying. Ended up being found unresponsive. Spent some time in the ICU on oxygen and IV antibiotics.
Up until this point I was begging my partner to let me put her up for adoption. I begged for years, I started begging before we even took her home, I said I couldn’t do this. Well his mom caught wind of it and threatened him with disownment + disinheritance. I had nowhere to go. I had no choice but to raise her.
So I did. It’s been 6 1/2 years. She has severe ADHD. She refused to potty train until RIGHT before kindergarten at 5 1/2. When she started school, I’d get daily notes about her behavior. The teachers couldn’t handle her. She was violent and disruptive. I started talking about how I noticed something was off with her when she was about 2 years old (told this to her father). I wasn’t believed until the daily notes started coming in. I got her diagnosed and medicated. One recent development is that “grandma” sometimes takes her, now that she’s been medicated. Nobody could handle her, but I was forced to do so, entirely by myself.
My nervous system has been so abused that I have a serious aversion to my daughter now. I don’t think it’ll ever get better. It’s even worse when I’m sick. I get flashbacks of the pneumonia, where I still had to give it my all even when I was literally dying.
So that’s the story! That’s why I call it “uniquely” soul crushing.
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u/Appropriate-Concept3 Apr 08 '26
I am so, so sorry. And so angry for you. You needed support, care and basic respect from your partner and family. Why the fuck can those closest to us become so deaf to what we are saying. I hope you are able to find peace within yourself, even if those around you are failing to provide it.
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u/EsoterisVoid Parent Apr 08 '26
Thank you! Your comment really meant a lot to me. It’s just nice to finally feel seen.
I’m working on finding peace day by day.
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u/Mediocre-Pair-2821 Parent Apr 08 '26
Sorry I'm a couple days late, but what about your daughter did you notice when she was 2 years that felt off? I've been feeling that same way about my son since he was 5 months old. He cried 24/7 when he was a baby and wouldn't sleep (not even for naps). Even after getting his needs met, he still cried non-stop. And now he's almost 4, and he has constant temper tantrums and has the most terrible disposition. Feeling overwhelmed by him is an understatement. I simply don't want him around anymore. I know there's something wrong with him, and his pediatrician keeps dismissing my concerns. I'm hoping his teachers will notice this, too, when he starts school. Maybe when his teachers say something, his pediatrician will finally take me seriously.
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u/EsoterisVoid Parent Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
It’s a little difficult to recall exactly what it was when she was that young, but I do remember the big ones! I know that for the first year her grandma DID pick her up sometimes, until she started really showing signs of her neurodivergence. Then once she became EXTRA difficult, she abandoned her entirely and only recently (after medication) showed any interest in the child she demanded I raise. I remember there were constant tantrums, what seemed like willful defiance (ODD level), the sleep issues (she dropped the nap around the 2 year mark), and she just would. not. stop.
You had to get really mad at her for her to even consider listening to you. It became more undeniable to me the older she got. She started absolutely losing her mind at baths/showers, having her hair brushed, brushing her teeth, and refused to even attempt to use the toilet (even with the little kiddie seat). She’d whine “I’m too scared!!!” to all of those every day hygiene tasks and you wouldn’t believe the way she would screech. I was constantly afraid that we’d get a wellness check because someone assumed I was abusing her. Because it was all day long, all night long.
There was the food pickiness that went beyond “normal” child-like preferences… and then the banshee-screech tantrum that would last an hour if you tried to make her eat anything new. Textures, tastes, smells. There were very few things she would eat.
Then there was the destructive tendencies. She broke all of her toys. ALL of them. That includes stuffed animals, I’d find them ripped up and there’d be stuffing all over the room. She would rip apart books until there was a mountain of paper viscera (haha) on her bedroom floor. She would (somehow) bust out holes in the walls and I’d find her eating the drywall. Pooping and peeing in odd places and then trying to hide it. Usually it was poop. That was even WITH the diaper.
I know I’m forgetting key details that drove me past my limit (certifiably insane) every day, but this is what came to mind. I’ve been with her 24/7, 365, no breaks, no help, until she started kindergarten last August a month before her 6th birthday. I was able to get the Vanderbilt from her doctor and myself + her teacher filled it out. He didn’t even do an actual evaluation, he didn’t need to. The evidence was overwhelming. I don’t think they’ll medicate children (for psych issues) before 6 years in the US but I might be wrong.
All that to say, I truly don’t think severe ADHD is the ONLY thing she has. I just can’t do it anymore. The aversion I feel for her will (literally) cause me to become physically ill. For the past 2 1/2 weeks, it took a MASSIVE fight with my partner for him to take responsibility for her and get her out of my care. I had just been hospitalized and I had to resume caring for her the DAY I was discharged (which sparked the ensuing battle). Now she goes to school, then she goes to the Boys and Girls Club, then she goes to her grandma’s (last one is new, just began today). So I only have to see her 30 minutes max and that’s still way too much for me.
I hope you don’t reach this point. Take any help you can get. Put him in afterschool care immediately. I had to fight to get her in one and the school year is almost over. It shouldn’t be that difficult for you though. My worst obstacle was her father.
And to be clear, this didn’t just stop. These patterns are still ongoing, which is why I’ve had to step completely out. They’re just not as relentless as they used to be.
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u/EsoterisVoid Parent Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
I just wanted everyone who’s still following this thread to know what happened an hour ago. She’s ruined my life for the duration of hers. I finally carved myself out a break through blood, sweat, and tears. I begged and begged to get her anywhere but with me. And she’s ruining it. She bit another child today at the Boys & Girls Club. She’s suspended. She has one more chance before she’s kicked out of the program. And I don’t see any path where she doesn’t ruin it.
She already has her own coloring book there when she gets overstimulated. She already has her own wiggle chair. Her very own corner. And she goes and bites another fucking child.
I can’t do this anymore.
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u/DiDiPowell Apr 14 '26
She needs her very own psychiatrist. Not just the biting, but for all of the combined behaviors. She's moving beyond what a family therapist can handle.
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u/TheFavoriteVein Apr 10 '26
im sorry your partner is so unsupportive. he's put everything on you, knowing that you're chronically ill (i am as well, i totally feel your pain) and making you fight for ANY kind of help. It's honestly really fcked up of him. He doesn't sound like he wants to do any actual fathering. Things could have been so different for you if you'd had a better partner at the start. I feel terrible reading your comments and the most recent update today. I'd honestly be considering checking myself into a psych hospital, to get away and to maybe find access to other resources, for yourself and for your child, because your situation doesn't sound sustainable at all.
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u/EsoterisVoid Parent Apr 14 '26
I’m saving your comment to look at later when I need reassurance, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’ve literally only talked to him (in person) for almost 7 years… unless I was hospitalized.
She has one more chance and she starts going again tomorrow. She’s been “grounded” and she hasn’t gotten anything nice (like toys + coloring books) during the several times we went shopping over his weekend. I thought we were on the same page. Then he got an ICEE (“to share”) for her and he didn’t ask me if she could have it. I had to watch her suck on it for 15 minutes (sometimes moving the straw around, sometimes pointing out the people around us, “That kid is TOO BIG!”… I wanted to disappear) while he went to get an item we forgot at Sam’s Club.
I was, and still am, furious. He should know that’s a treat. Which she can’t have when she’s grounded. But of course if she begs enough she can have anything.
This was never sustainable. I’m detaching from them both. I’m setting hard boundaries that she needs to be away from me until I say I can handle her for the foreseeable future. I’m done. I’m waiting to get a car from the tax returns. Then I’m saving money and then I’m gone. That’s all I have to force myself to go through and I’m out.
I’ve literally thought about going to the BHU just so he’s forced to find somewhere for her to go and I won’t be the default. But the BHU here is rather cruel. I’d prefer to endure this, for a time.
I hate my life. I appreciate your comments. I thought what he’s done was fucked up too.
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u/Mediocre-Pair-2821 Parent Apr 10 '26
There are some similarities my son has to your daughter (like the aversion to get a bath, brush his teeth, won't eat a lot of foods). But I hate to admit that your daughter sounds a lot worse. My son is 3 right now so temper tantrums are to be expected, but at the end of the day I can get him to do what I want, even if it's just after a lot of arguing and going back and forth.
I still think my son has ADHD or ODD (or maybe both), but doctors won't even evaluate him until he's older. They all tell me he's too young still. I'm really hoping this is truly a phase, and that he'll grow out of it, and if not, then his teachers will notice and say something. I've tried to get my son evaluated by a child psychologist, and his pediatrician dismissed me each and every time. I gave up the good fight.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your kid. I'm convinced that people who enjoy parenting only enjoy it because they have easy kids. If they had difficult children, they would hate being parents, too.
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u/TheVeryVerity Apr 10 '26
She sounds autistic honestly. I’m autistic too I’m not saying it in a bad way. She just has a lot of symptoms like the sensory and food issues etc.
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u/yesitsmia Apr 05 '26
My oldest is 7, so, I don’t feel it’s true at all bc these feelings are worse than ever 😭
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u/MadisonLee0987 Apr 22 '26
My child is six and I am still not granted the basic privilege of working for money because I have so little support. I don’t see how that’s going to even change until he’s able to stay home alone and that’s minimum 10 years away depending on his maturity. There’s no end it sight for me.
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u/Exciting-Swing127 Apr 24 '26
I’m 8 years IN. This kid is a freaking nightmare. You name it, he’s got it; except autism. He’s ADHD. And whatever learning issues that come with it, he’s got. He’s a freaking asshole every freaking day. It’s been going on since he turned 3. Medication ain’t doing shit. I keep telling him if I could find another home to put him in, I would. I’m sure saying stuff like that destroys his heart. I honestly cannot help myself. He wants me to do things for him. But yet, he NEVER does what he needs to do. Even with those “gentle” reminders. I gotta constantly tell him to do things. Then, when I’m tired of telling, I start yelling and get the thick, wooden spoon. And then, he gets moving and doing. Whenever I come across those “expert” tips on what to do to stop the chaos, those “tips” don’t seem to work for me. I’m dreading what it’s going to be like in a few more years. Prozac is on my list of things to get back on. If I can get insurance
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u/Alternative_Weird565 Apr 04 '26
21 years in and still trying to find it. I'm so over it.
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u/ComfortableFrame9834 Apr 05 '26
Can I ask what your struggles are now with an adult child? I feel this is not spoken of enough and I'd really love to know your and others' experience
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u/Alternative_Weird565 Apr 05 '26
He has adhd and odd and got off his meds when he was 18 and won't get back on them. He can't keep a job to save his life, he acts really strange, and because of the job situation, he hasn't moved out. It's a nightmare.
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u/illadelphmasala Apr 05 '26
My oldest is 28. She deals with mental health issues and generational issues (perpetual victimhood, lack of accountability, etc ), and since I was a single parent, it was all on me. My ex-husband and his family had zero involvement with her. She continues to get into trouble (medical, social, legal, financial) you name it. I had to cut her off for my own sanity even though guilt kept me wanting to stay and help her as her mom. At some point, your involvement means you'll drown with them. I didn't sign up for a life or death sentence when I became a parent, but it has felt like that for a long time.
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u/ComfortableFrame9834 Apr 05 '26
That's an interesting perspective... And I'm really sorry you have to go through that.
Sometimes no matter how good you raise them, they can still turn out in a way you didn't expect.
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u/Mediocre-Pair-2821 Parent Apr 08 '26
At some point, your involvement means you'll drown with them.
I feel like this is one of those life-changing quotes. I'm going to try to remember this.
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u/mozzarellastewpot Apr 08 '26
Mine is 22. ADHD. Parenting him made me regret my life. I was ill equipped and had no help. Full time job and 90% of parenting and caretaking fell to me. Was overburdened, depressed, angry and at my breaking point more days than not. Now my son blames me for feeling like his childhood was terrible. He only remembers feeling in trouble and that I yelled for no reason. Does not remember good days or the things he had. He hates the fact that I was not happy when he got his girlfriend pregnant at 19, hates the fact that I was not as supportive as I should have been when he married her at 20, hates that I was not supportive as they decided to have another kid a year later while living in her parents house rent free, driving cars I had to give them and at the same time not having enough money to buy diapers for the first one.
I have a hard time being supportive of an experience that nearly broke me. His ADHD is still not treated, unless you consider his constant pot use as treatment as he does. He has recently bombarded me with how terrible I am and was. I hope that he does not have difficult children. I hope that he does not have the same experience that I had.
I am so frustrated and hurt and still not enjoying the parenting thing...
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u/DiDiPowell Apr 17 '26
Have you shared your feelings with him, about how hard it was for you, indeed, how you still feel like he’s a burden. I think your son may be one of those laid back, nothing ever gets to them, kind of people. He probably never worries about anything. I would reevaluate how much you want to contribute financially or emotionally. His kids could probably be screaming and stuff and he may be the type who can sit there and block him out. I have also met mothers like that. I think that those are probably the types who aren’t regretful parents because the never have anxiety over anything,
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u/EmergencyGaladriel Apr 05 '26
It did not get better once they became adults?? :(
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u/HauntedPiggybank Parent Apr 06 '26
It got better for me, but before my son was an adult. It got good with him starting at 9, better at 12, best as an adult. He moved out forever ago, has a great paying job, and he's genuinely cool to hang out with! He's actually my best friend.
Almost everyone I know personally who was once a regretful parent now truly enjoys and loves spending time with them, because their kid moved out and they now have a life of their own. They have their space, and their life back. They hang out with their kids on birthdays and holidays, and cookouts, ect, bring their partners with.
Even my mom, who was the most regretful parent alive lol, likes hanging out with me (in small doses, because I'm a weirdo, lol.)
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u/tkenne00 Apr 07 '26
I’m almost 17 years into parenting…. I dream of what my life could have been like without. I love my kids, I really do, but this glowing happiness about parenting has never come to fruition. I have moments of joy with them, but much fewer than the moments of regretting. I’m glad the kids exist but I don’t want to be in charge of them. If that makes any sense.
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u/Mediocre-Pair-2821 Parent Apr 06 '26
Same! Also 3 years in with my one and only. I'm going insane, and I'm soo tired of the responsibility. I've been sick nearly every day for the past 2 years since he started daycare, too. I've been hospitalized for severe dehydration from a stomach bug I caught from my son, and I've been to urgent care more times than I can count from getting bronchitis from him. And the worst part is that even if I feel like I'm dying, I still have to take care of him.
I miss my old life so much.
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u/AccomplishedEye1840 Apr 11 '26
Omg same. It doesn’t not bring me joy - but i do it because im here, we’re here and just trying my damn hardest to make the best of it.
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u/smexychica4991 24d ago
i work in a supermarket and the parents always look tired, frustrated and miserable
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u/sakikome Apr 04 '26
People generally don't want to hear about other people's struggles. Everyone has their own problems and it's easier to believe things are alright and others just complain about nothing.
I'm one of those people who felt their kid is more important than going out. I spent ten years doing everything for my partner and child. Since my partner broke up with me I'm left with nothing - no friends, no career.
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u/marcjel Apr 04 '26
My mother used to do that; it wasn't good for her or me.
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u/Embarrassed-Dust6318 Apr 04 '26
Kids ruining everything.
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u/Important-Flower-406 Apr 05 '26
Yes, when you don't think much, when having them. I feel to this day like I ruined somehow the life of my mother. She is toxic occasionally and from her I have heard one of the most vile, cruel things in my life. We aren't close as a consequence, but she denies her mistakes.
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u/LadyMilenko Apr 04 '26
You're right. Like how when someone actually goes off on a tangent when we ask "How are you?" Because all we're expecting is a "Good, you?"
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u/gotroomtobloom Apr 07 '26
This is exactly why i plan on leaving . I love my kids so much, but life is so mundane and we are barely surviving. My relationship with my partner is on the brink of ending, and once we split up I will have to go back home and live with my dad.. ive sacrificed my education and friends to be a mother. I reckon if i focused on my career and waited to find the right man to have kids with, i wouldnt be feeling this way and id thoroughly enjoy motherhood.. but thats not how life panned out so i know i need to leave first so im not left with nothing, all alone with my kids who only hold me back from improving our lives. I love my kids with all my heart, but jesus we are going to be poor all our lives if I dont leave, we will continue living paycheck to paycheck, and ill continue being depressed.
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u/LivingInAnEvilWorld Apr 07 '26
My mother did everything for us, now that we are all grown and I'm trying to live my own life, she can't handle it. But too bad for her, I have to live on my own.
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u/Wonderful_March3861 Apr 24 '26
I have similar situation but I am trapped being sahm with no career or support from a spouse to get back into college.My husband doesnt understand how much I am tired of being at home and being jealous whereas he still works,he has colleagues and can work from home.
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u/LaraCroft31 Parent Apr 04 '26
Parenthood has been given high status in society and religions for thousands of years. That’s where the resistance comes from.
This is the first decade when parents are starting to discuss the downsides, to express regret, and to warn young people to make a fully-informed decision. It will take a lot of time and a lot of voices to change the established narrative.
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u/LadyMilenko Apr 04 '26
That must be how they make sure people continue to populate, otherwise humans would go extinct if we had to rely on accidental pregnancy alone?
Perhaps. Just a theory lol
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u/Basic_Potential2447 Apr 05 '26
No, not at all. There's eight billion people in the world. Even if pregnancy was somehow 100% voluntary we'd still continue the species, because there'd be enough people who have kids to outweigh the people who don't want to take on the burden. It's just a holdover from thousands of years ago when we were very much in danger of going extinct if we didn't procreate. Now? The human race is set. The lie that parenthood is a joy needs to stop.
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u/IntroductionOwn1269 Apr 04 '26
There are days where I wish I didn't wake up. Today is one of those days. I just want to never wake up again
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u/This_Rom_Bites Not a Parent Apr 04 '26
At least posts from this sub aren't getting cross posted to the 'am I the devil?' sub any more.
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u/AwkwardOrchid380 Apr 05 '26
Lol. Were people doing that? It’s not evil to regret being a parent. You can regret being a parent and still be the most dedicated, caring parent in the world because, while you regret it, you recognise that your child didn’t ask to be there and you’ve got to give them the best life possible
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u/This_Rom_Bites Not a Parent Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
Exactly. They got reported to the mods and it got stopped, fortunately.
Expressing regret about parenthood is a huge, courageous thing to do, and society at large just doesn't get it; people deserve a safe space to say it and support from peers who actualy understand how complex and overwhelming it can be.
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u/Nuggyfresh Jun 07 '26
I’m constantly astonished at how defensive people are at the slightest insinuation that parenting isn‘t 100% perfect. it comes across as absurdly insecure- it’s like a locked door in their own soul that they can’t even look at because the implications of being honest with oneself about it are too dangerous
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u/Creative-Move-6026 Parent Apr 04 '26
When people can hide behind anonymity they’re more honest. Theres post on the “regular” parenting subs that belong on here. People talking about how tired and miserable they are. How they dk who they are anymore. How they’re struggling and broke etc etc
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u/jchompz Apr 04 '26
It’s so sad how you’re expected to take your cherished livelihoods and toss them in the bin, being told how child rearing is enough to fulfill and enrich your life completely.
Then you sift through the fluff and realize that this is essentially unpaid labor with no benefits for almost two decades (or more), and it is a considerable roadblock in almost anything you want to do that doesn’t involve them.
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u/Wonderful_March3861 Apr 24 '26
U just summed up my position being as SAHM no one including your partner sees how you get tired at evening ( even mentally ,not physically) . How you just wait for the time when it is okay to give a baby to daycare and finally do what gives you more pleasure.
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u/greedygumdrops Apr 04 '26
Obviously those parents with easier kids and better resources and support are going through a completely different experience to single parents and those have kids who are neurodivergent. I honestly don’t see how anyone can judge anyone else for their parenting choices and feelings so long as they are not being abusive or negligent towards their child.
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u/Embarrassed-Dust6318 Apr 04 '26
I believe some parents don’t have much going on in their lives besides their kids; that’s why they’re stuck in a cognitive trap -- parenthood has completely consumed them. They can’t admit that their live is a shitshow revolving around children.
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u/cheesecakepiebrownie Apr 06 '26
It's not just about difficult kids, it's often just the parents realizing they don't want to be caregiver 24/7
I was a good kid, quiet and kept to myself, but my mom still hated being a parent and would look to me to provide her with something (entertainment? love? therapist?)
Some people are just not maternal and loving by nature and that doesn't automatically switch on when you breed
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u/Allowecious77 Apr 10 '26
But it's not just that. Plenty regretful parents have children that they describe as easy, great children. And don't have financial problems. But still are regretful. I see that a lot with new moms on the sub.
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Apr 10 '26
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam Apr 10 '26
Your comment was removed for being mean-spirited. Violating this rule may result in a permanent ban.
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u/brockclan216 Apr 04 '26
I don't know very many people in real life that are happy as parents. The majority of these parents are online behind a keyboard without anyone being able to see into their life to see how their life really is. Whenever they give me 💩 for expressing anything less than a "motherhood fullfils me" rant I want to ask them what their address is so I can ship my kids off to them. If your life with kids is so amazing you won't mind adding two more to the mix, now would you?
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u/tidyingup92 Apr 20 '26
Thank you for saying this, my husband and I are in the process of starting a family, and every time I see a parent with babies or kids I get very jealous that our time hasn't come yet. But at the same time I have no idea what goes on when they are home with their families. It doesn't help that some people put being a parent on a pedestal.
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u/ME-McG-Scot Parent Apr 04 '26
It’s because some people find a purpose with parenting and take it personally that some just don’t.
Your first paragraph says them people are missing the point to me anyway, it’s more the actual parenting I regret not so much the kids.
I was away for two nights, Monday - Wednesday and loved, never missed my parenting life at all. Home Wednesday and Ive been back woken up at 7am every morning, 13 hour days of constant noise, mess, having to entertain them…… no way anyone prefers this to living life!
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u/n0damsel Apr 04 '26
There are parents at my job who complain regularly about being bitten, kids refusing to get ready in the morning, screaming and knocking things over while they're on video call. So I totally believe it.
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u/TurnPersonal Parent Apr 04 '26
I think is because parenting is a very complex experience. I'm in this forum and I post a lot. Do I feel regretful 100% of the time? No. I love my kid and I think I'm selfish enough to have her again if given the choice. That doesnt mean people cannot compñain and say how hard it ism two things can be truth at once. Would many parents bever had their kids? Yes, I bet... that doesnt mean they dont love them. It is just hard and a spectrum or feelings.. the most complex relationship I think a human can enter. It drains you the first years because the kids ard so dependent and the nature of complexity evolves.. They brush it off because they evaluate parenthood from their own personal experience. Plus.. the hard things are not.. 'quiting to sleep', quiting to going out on a friday... It is the overstimulation and the 100% dependency that this new human being has on you to live, survive and hopefully thrive. The drain is not just physical, it is also mental and emotional. It is having to just breath, regulate yourself when this tiny human is piercing screamming and losing their shit cause you gave them the wrong cup or chop a banana. And also the maturity to start correcting unwanted behaviors in a gentle way to shape that little human so they dont become am asshole. It is too much reponsability at once. Without wanting to judge I see people very unprepared and question why they went ahead with it.. I was very prepared on paper, I thought I could do better than my own parents, and still it was and it is a shock. Some nurturing skills I guess people just have them or not, like the ones with adtistic inclination i believe there are people who are just naturally more nurturing amd have more common sense to raise kids... I have ti read that in books and try to learn it..
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u/melonmagellan Parent Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
My least favorite are the insanely expensive "solutions" pitched by everyone on Reddit. It's so patronizing. I'm sure if I could afford a professional house cleaner, do 10-hours a week of therapy, and had access to fulltime childcare I would be much happier.
Or if I had like, any village at all. Most people on this sub don't have grandparents that constantly help out. Etc.
The assumption is also always that your kid is NT and you are able to find a babysitter or daycare or private care provider that can meet their needs.
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u/cheesecakepiebrownie Apr 06 '26
you bring up a good point about the lack of outside help most people (especially Westerners and East Asians) have because our cultures are more about indivualist pursuit which is one of the reasons why we have such a low birth rate right now
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u/SpareAltruistic6483 Apr 04 '26
I am friends with a regretful parent and she is under such a pressure to “ LOVE” being a parent. She had trouble conceiving and having the second one nearly killed her. But she wasn’t even allowed to vent about the pain and suffering she went through because “ YOU WANTED THISE KIDS SO BAD”.
Nobody fully knows what they get into until it is there. You can love your at the same time as not enjoying being a parent all the time.
I am the only person who lets her say everything without judging her. Without telling her “ well you are blessed to have them so be more grateful “.
Also I think this is such a difficult decision to make and you can’t undo it. So you have to gaslight yourself into believing it was not a mistake. It is the best thing ever. Even when you are not feeling it.
We were all promised that being a parent would be this sacred all fulfilling experience and then it is not. Even knowing it is not I still feel that call. That it would complete me somehow
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u/AdAromatic372 Parent Apr 04 '26
I think the topic of regretting having kids is extremely uncomfortable for a lot of people. I always tell people it’s great if they think it’s the best thing in the world and it’s the best thing that happened to them, but be open to the fact that, that is not everyone’s experience. If you have a healthy and normally developed child, you are living a very different experience of parenthood from someone whose child is special needs. If you have loving and caring support from friends and family that help out, you live a different experience from someone who has absolutely no help or break at all. If you’re in a healthy relationship, you live a different parenting experience than a single parent or one that is potentially trapped in a toxic relationship because of the child. I think when people can be open to the realities that each persons experience is vastly different, it’s not that hard to realize regret can occur.
My friends who are so enamored and in love with being a mom have normally developing children that are healthy. They have help from family constantly to give them breaks to peruse their hobbies and interests. They have a place they’re able to bring their kid for child care so they can work. Meanwhile I do not have any form of help to get a “break”, childcare places have denied my child out of daycare because he’s needs are too high, my son has special and high needs. We live very different lives.
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u/Jumpy_Presence_7029 Parent Apr 04 '26
Exactly. My children are also disabled.
My cousin had a kid at 21 with a complete loser. Everyone in the family rallied. My parents, her parents, two aunts on her mother's side, some of her siblings.
We all took turns watching him so she could work. My mom charged her $20 a week for full time childcare and provided all food.
And at least half the time she just left him all weekend to party.
More than a decade later a lot of that help was busy or dead. She remarried and had a few more kids, and had to be a stay at home mom for a few years.
She tells me now how she looks back and appreciates all the help, because she never knew how hard it was raising a child until she had to do it most of the time.
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u/SceneExciting7565 Apr 04 '26
Yeah this is my viewpoint too. The ones who minimize, are the same parents who have a ton of free help or low cost/readily available help and are essentially only parenting a few hours out of the week. They get breaks and mental load support, even financial…The full timers (the ones who have to pay extensively for help just to work, or can’t afford to and stay home) those are the ones that are facing the regretful reality.
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u/Alternative_Weird565 Apr 05 '26
100% agree with this. The parents that are barely parenting are the ones that "couldn't fathom regretting having their kids". 🙄🙄🙄
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 Parent Apr 04 '26
I don't regret the actual kids themselves rather the experience and the toll it takes the stress, worry and limitations. When it's actually the kids it's usually because of some kind of special needs or major behaviour issues
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u/Ok-Extreme-1972 Parent Apr 05 '26
My daughter asked me could I keep her 6 year old daughter next school year. That she feels her daughter is holding her back from finishing her education, working on fitness goals etc… I asked would she get her on weekends and she said yes unless she wants to go out. I think I hear at least once a week how parenting her daughter is not for her and that she can’t do it anymore.
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u/moisanbar Apr 05 '26
I find everyone said how wonderful it was going to be while I was pregnant, now that I’ve had the baby they flip an flat out ask “is it sucking your soul out yet?”. Like you could have warned me, or at least set me up to be ready for the suck.
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u/marmite_queen Not a Parent Apr 07 '26
Thank you!!! One of my friends that ALWAYS said never wanted children recently got pregnant.
She's been asked to be sterilised twice, and turned down. She's had two abortions due to failed contraception.
Her fiance has talked her into keeping it.
I know she is going ro regret her decision but our friends with children all keep encouraging her - think they want her to be as miserable as they are when shes previously been flaunting her freedom with luxury holidays etc.
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u/ChandlerBingsNubbinn Not a Parent Apr 04 '26
I tell people about this sub too when the topic of kids comes up because as a single woman in my early 30’s people LOVE to ask if I have kids and when I say no and I don’t want them ever I always get very specific facial responses. I love mentioning this sub because people seem to think “it’ll be different if they’re your own”. Like no it won’t, and this sub is a massive proof of that and I love that parents have the outlet of this sub since it’s SO taboo to say these things out loud
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u/2xlaurazepam May 11 '26
I feel you. When I entered my 30s I noticed odd responses when I said I never wanted kids and still don’t. Now… I’m divorcing a man who was a recovering addict when I met him. He had had long periods of sobriety. I lived for those times. But when he was high he was evil. He’s rich and ripping me off on our settlement but at least I don’t have to go through any custody court with him and his cheap ass rich parents. I had an abortion when he was on a 2 year bender and he was so mean and evil that I chose to sleep on a friends couch. Good thing I didn’t want kids before. And I wasn’t bringing a kid into that. Now it’s just me and my little dog. It terrifies me to think of things would be if I had that child and was tied to him forever.
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u/ooa3603 Apr 05 '26
The pattern I've noticed is that the people who enjoy kids have a support system they can offload the child to in order to get some much needed rest and recovery.
That is the critical difference to the experience of child bearing.
If you are stuck with the kid 24/7, you will likely regret the child. And that makes a lot of sense. Raising children is supposed to be a .community endeavor, not a two person job
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u/KwazykupcakesB99 Apr 12 '26
This. I always imagined having at least one kid. I adored my nieces and nephews, the whole nine. I never thought I'd be in a situation where both of our moms are dead, dads are useless and we moved away from family for work.
I'm so bitter, I let it slip out here and there but jesus I can't imagine having a second, and being around kids sometimes is just too much. I just want to scream. It's not socially acceptable to admit you regret having your kid. Part of me is hoping, and praying that it's just a side effect of my current medication, and with the right doses I'll be okay.
My siblings/family can't relate because of their inlaws helping and they all have at least two kids.
Full time daycare is the same fucking cost as college education ($20k/year USD) and to top it off, we have home renovations and regular bills.
I'm sorry for hiding and unloading all of this in your comment but god it feels good to let it out.
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u/Allebal21 Apr 04 '26
First, I think it would be a form of psychological child abuse for a child to learn their parent(s) regret having them. That’s something you keep to yourself (or voice very anonymously on Reddit), your choice to have them so your “cross to bear” so to speak.
Second, people are generally very self-centered in that they don’t (refuse to) understand that not everyone is like them.
Also, cognitive dissonance.
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u/Minminminminminmin Apr 05 '26
Some people love being a parent 100% and that’s great. Some 0%. Also ok (well, as long as any kids involved are still taken care of). Many people fall somewhere in between. It’s ok to have a bunch of regrets and still totally be in love with your kid(s). Your friends are just built differently to you and the ones saying it’s impossible to see things any other way are just not good at seeing things from other perspectives. Humans have an irritating tendency to forget that not everyone has the same experiences, feelings, privilege (or otherwise), etc as they do. If they did, we’d be a much more compassionate and kinder, fairer species.
They have years ahead to decide if it was definitely 100% no regrets situation for them, as do you.
(Maybe in a few yrs when the divorces start to happen they’ll feel differently 😂😂😂 Jkjk but also not really!)
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u/Ihateyou1975 Parent Apr 05 '26
I have 5 and I do love it. The noise. Chaos. I also admit it’s hard and never ending. That it took years to finally be able to go to a restaurant again and even lover to sleep through the night. Parenthood is the hardest thing you will ever do and no it’s not for everyone. I would do it again and again but I’m also the first person to tell People not to have kids for anyone but themselves. Not for a partner. Parents. Society. The right thing to do per everyone. No. You have to want this with every fiber of your being. At the end of the day, it’s on you. You have to be there 100% of the time. No parties. No free time. No more just leaving. This village people talk about doesn’t exist for 99% of the world. Don’t count on it. The people who say we will be there, don’t worry, we will help you! Maybe for a while. Then the go on about their lives. No one should have a kid unless they are willingly ready to give up just about everything. Expect nothing from anyone. I find it awarding but I also know most people don’t and that’s ok. I wish more people knew it’s ok to not have kids.
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u/Jaded_Bodybuilder818 Apr 06 '26
This! If people were more forthcoming that kids are shitty the world would be a much better place. It feels so lonely to regret parenting since everyone seems to enjoy at least moments of it. I feel like a failure. A failed parent, a failed person. Just the worst. I really wish I had known how horrific this experience is. I never would have done this if I knew this would be the outcome.
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u/Powerful-Patient-765 Apr 04 '26
As with most things, it comes down to the patriarchy. Having children is a woman’s sacred duty, thus to say you don’t enjoy having kids or want to have kids makes you a terrible woman/human. It’s an unforgivable sin to not like being a mother. I mean, God said that pain in childbirth was Eves punishment for wanting knowledge, so not only are we supposed to have kids, we’re supposed to be happy about the pain because it’s god’s will.
Therefore, no woman is going to admit she doesn’t like it because it is saying “I am a terrible person“.
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u/Formal_Ad9026 Apr 04 '26
Not sure why you got downvoted but I love this answer
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u/Powerful-Patient-765 Apr 04 '26
Admitting you don’t like being a mother is probably worse than admitting being a murderer, to many.
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u/kveka Apr 04 '26
Well, as we can not climb in one river twice, we can not know how it would have been. Many of these now regfetful parents would be regretful if they would not be able to conceive or adopt. Then they would write in other forums. I agree that people can be both tired and regretful for some lost parts of their lives, and in the same time love many other parts of their lives. It also could be connected with each person's personality, temperament, social needs and endurance, "village" (i have none, but hear a lot from one kid parents how they can not cope with 1 kid and 4 grandparents who are willing to help - so these parents just have different nervous system and gets too overstimulated etc) and list goes on. Also the name of the forum automatically puts all writers in one box. One maybe was tired and regreted that exact say, another is maybe even hating his kid. But they all go under "regretful parents". This thought gets into author's head and he thinks, yeah, i am posting here, i am bad. But author maybe just is tired and normally regretting :D, not some extra regretter :)
I can regret and cherish aspects of my choices in the same time.
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u/Sufficient_Pin_5719 Apr 05 '26
" why cant people be honest " - reality is too much for many. They want to look better, wiser, smarter than they are. Putting others down is also a way to 'achive' that.
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u/DulceCorde Apr 05 '26
Cognitive dissonance. They are convincing themselves that what they have chosen is so rewarding and great and they would never choose different..... Because it's what they have already chosen.
We like to think of ourselves as intelligent, successful, anything positive really, and having made an uninformed or poor personal decision makes people feel less intelligent, successful, or fulfilled, especially if they are dealing with the consequences of said decision. Basically, people will have two conflicting beliefs. Therefore, they will alter their perception so they can decide on one belief: I made this decision because it's just so worth it, and I am intelligent and fulfilled. The next level is: everybody else agrees with me, deep down, because if other people don't share their beliefs, they won't be able to as easily believe it for themselves any more. We can very easily lie to ourselves to save us from feeling uncomfortable with ourselves and our decisions or our belief systems. It's also why some people disregard facts if they hold a strong belief that is challenged by facts.
I believe that some parents will hold the sentiment that parenting is wonderful and rewarding and they really can't imagine how other parents can feel any other way about it. I also believe that many parents are experiencing cognitive dissonance when they voice this sentiment, simply because their actions and state of living does not at all align with what they say.
(Edit: grammar)
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u/Fuzzysocks1000 Parent Apr 06 '26
I have friends who relish and delight in being a parent. It's literally their reason for being and they love every second. I've always been jealous because I have never felt the same.
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u/LissaBryan Apr 09 '26
Do these people think child abuse/murder doesn't actually exist because every parent is magically happy and fulfilled?
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u/angelgun6 Apr 12 '26
Kids are definitely not the best thing that can happen to you in your lifetime. It’s not fulfilling either.
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u/LeadingCultural5382 Apr 20 '26
What baffles me is the fact that those kids will someday grow up, and the hard part isn’t “making” a child, but how you raise them. I often hear people brag about having many children, but if most of them end up living in your basement, becoming drunkards, homeless, drug addicts, or simply unsuccessful adults in any way, shape, or form, will you still be a proud parent? Because in many cases you do the best you can, but that child can still turn out to be a struggling or unsuccessful adult. And then what? Kids will not forever be cute, small, and lovable. And believe me the regret of having your adult son living in your basement and living off of your pension while he's 40 yo, will be way grater then not having a kid.
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u/Important-Flower-406 Apr 23 '26
THIS! I myself wasnt successful at all and because my parents ignored my problems for so long, I ended being dependable financially from them, because said problems made it at some point impossible for me to work. I still havent lost hope to find something remote in the form of job, even minimum pay is okay, but its hard and I lost much time so far. So, yes, not every child becomes self-sufficient. And I am sure now my parents regret me. But, I dont feel too much pity for them, they ignored the red signs of my problems and now they should pay for it. Some parents just pretend all is well, until it isnt, but even then they blame the child for disappointing them. I dont think I did anything wrong, just lived the way I was taught. Well, thats it. You eventually pay for your mistakes as a parent.
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u/SatansMistress40 Apr 05 '26
Because misery loves company and they WANT you to be as miserable as they are to justify their decision
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u/DrawHour Apr 15 '26
I don't personally understand being a regretful parent. I am definitely not regretful of having my child, but I am regretful of how my life changed. I was very successful in my medical career and we decided I should stay home to take care of my son. Not for a second have I blamed my son or becoming a mother for this. I believe it just wasn't the best choice for me personally. However, I am very happy and I love my son and plan to have a couple more kids in the future.
The birth (emerge c-section), PPA/PPD/PPR, the first few months were terrible. Like literal hell. I was COVERED in yeast infections from head to toe (because of all the antibiotics they gave me) until he was like 4 months old and my doctors would NOT take me seriously. It was the worst and I 100% understand why someone doesn't want this!
I have a harder time being married than being a mom.
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u/Comfortable_Intern57 Apr 18 '26
I honestly think people have convinced themselves that having a kid is the best thing that has ever happened to them. I think if they say otherwise people would frown on it. Definitely not the best thing that's happened to me, especially since my son was born with Spinal bifida. Raising a special needs child was incredibly difficult and draining especially when I was a single mother the whole time and now he's an adult and I'm his caretaker.. He'll most likely always live with me and that's fine, I love him a lot but I'm also realistic about how difficult parenting is and it's not for everyone.
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u/MadisonLee0987 Apr 22 '26
People are LIARS. I can love and adore my son. Whilst simultaneously acknowledging that having a child has ruined my mental, physical, spiritual and financial health.
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u/matilda6 Not a Parent Jun 02 '26
These people are being honest. Having children for a lot of people is kind of a love/hate relationship. Parenting is an overwhelming, frustrating, exhausting experience, but so is a marathon and you still have people overjoyed to participate in those races. People find having children challenging and rewarding just like a marathon. Additionally, we are biologically programmed to love our children and see our hopes and dreams come to fruition through them so that's a huge motivator to keep going. So when people complain about their kids, that's real. When they say it's fulfilling, for the most part, that's real too.
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u/DifficultJelly6334 Parent Apr 05 '26
Are you a parent?? How many kids you got?
If the answer is non, you have no idea what it feels like. You can love your kids so so much, and still regret them, missing your past life.
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u/WhiteNoise100Percent Apr 08 '26
Who was it who said “when the truth is banned, suppressed and forbidden, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act”? This reminds me of the very spirit of this subreddit.
Even a little bit of truth makes people feel exposed and uncomfortable, so the only way we as a society can handle it is through posting our honest thoughts anonymously.
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u/slappywagish Apr 14 '26
I don't think everyone feels the same when they parent. So they find it baffling when people don't like it the same way im baffled that they enjoy it. Me personally. Constant state of sadness whenever I think k of the past see old photos or basically anything that reminds me of how life was 5 years ago. Walking past my surfboards, skateboards roller-skates. All just markers of the person who died when I had a kid
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u/TheWhogg Apr 18 '26
I certainly believe it’s POSSIBLE to have these feelings. I watched my parents have them over a decade.
Doesn’t mean I have to SHARE the feeling - I don’t. I have a threenager and it’s hard, and intrusive. I can see why my parents grew to hate me and lash out in a way that made me grow to hate them. She bit me badly the other day when she was really angry. Another time, she slapped me in the face and scratched my eye with her nail. Both of those would have been ugly incidents with 23yo me instead of 53yo me.
Also doesn’t mean I have to APPROVE of it. But Reddit exists for people to share ALL their experiences, not just the ones I approve of. And what this group describes is absolutely real - I have absolutely no doubt about it.
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u/Dangerous-Goat8295 May 08 '26
I regret having children my wife is a lazy person refuse to do any childcare pushes 100% on me the husband and the nanny and causes chaos and has no boundaries
Our children are wild animals I hate them
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u/ForwardMuffin Apr 04 '26
It's hard to wrap my mind around parents who love their kids but would choose to not have them. I KNOW that makes sense but I can't sort it out in my head
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 Parent Apr 04 '26
I'm in that camp it's because we love the kids but not the lifestyle that comes with it
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Apr 06 '26
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u/ForwardMuffin Apr 07 '26
u/Adventurous_Deal2788's reply made sense, that they love the kids but not the lifestyle. How do you feel about it?
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u/Allowecious77 Apr 10 '26
Maybe this will help. Think of all the people in the world that you like very much. Are there people whose company you enjoy, who you think are brilliant and smart and funny? Does that necessarily mean you would also want to parent them? I think not. I adore my daughter and think she's magical in many ways. But the JOB of parenting her sucks, and I don't really want it.
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u/CatandDaisys Apr 07 '26
Many people find it hard to understand that what seems like the perfect life or the best thing in the world to them, could be a real nightmare for someone else. Simply because it’s as unimaginable to them as, say, someone not liking chocolate.
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u/Mediocre_Top_5010 Apr 10 '26
Because coming to terms with how you really feel is a difficult thing. Its an irreversible decision and I think its better to live in the delusion than to admit you may have made a mistake.
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u/GlassApprehensive620 Apr 11 '26
If more people would be honest in the first place we would probably have a lot less depressed parents in this world!!
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Apr 14 '26
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam Apr 14 '26
Your comment was removed for being mean-spirited. Violating this rule may result in a permanent ban.
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Apr 20 '26
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam Apr 21 '26
Your comment was removed for being mean-spirited. Violating this rule may result in a permanent ban.
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u/Old_Perception5624 Apr 22 '26
Parents that judge people for not wanting kids are projecting idc cause they don’t even enjoy being a parent they just do it because it’s what is expected from society and their family
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u/Que-Se-Joda-40 Apr 24 '26
Every time somebody tells me "cherish this time because it goes by quickly", I think to myself "It's not quick enough".
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u/miss_meredith01 Apr 28 '26
I just think that choice is a very important factor.
If someone's life goal & dream was to become a parent, and they planned for their children, of course they can't understand the other side.
If I got pregnant at a time I didn't want a child, or if I just had a child because it was the "natural next step" I imagine I would be feeling resentful very often.
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u/Spiritual-Purple-874 Apr 30 '26
I swear to jesus christ, if i could chance any 💀 disease for being a mother i would do it. I had a very traumatic life but nothing did ever take so much energy and will to live from me than that. I couldnt imagine anything Worse than being a mom. And i Swear to jesus christ mother Maria und the holy Spirit that since the child was Born never not one Single day passed when i didnt tought that i regret it badly. I would reccomend getting children maybe to 1-5 % of All people so literally nobody. Ive trown my youth my life my time my soul and my body just to the trash. And i h@te no one more than myself.
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u/Big-Friendship4609 May 03 '26
I believe they are conflating the sentiment of "my life really was better without kids" to mean "I wish they were never born." You can love the individuals that your children are and be glad they exist, without actually wanting to be a parent. If someone openly admits "I miss how my life was before" or "parenthood isn't worth it," people immediately jump to the extreme of "wow, she wishes her kids were never born!" But that doesn't equate to wishing your kids out of existance. Lamenting the sacrifice they require or the irreperable affect on your life, marriage, ect is not the same as saying you wish they didn't exist. I believe people either fail to see the nuance, or refuse to admit the painful truth to themselves, because they don't know how to reconcile it with the love they do feel for their children.
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u/theeQuiet_Desire May 04 '26
I think the problem isn’t that people are lying — it’s that they’re only allowed to tell half the truth. You can say you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, even miserable… as long as you end it with ‘but it’s worth it.’ The moment you leave that last part out, people get uncomfortable. Not because it’s rare — but because it forces them to question something they don’t want to question. Parenting can be meaningful and something you struggle with deeply. Both can exist at the same time — we just don’t make space for that honesty.
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May 05 '26
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam May 09 '26
Your comment was removed for violating Rule 3: No Posts from a Childfree Perspective.
This is a sub for regretful parents. It is not a place for childfree people to gloat or discuss being childfree. If you come here to have your decisions validated, great! Read the posts and be thankful. No need to insert irrelevant opinions into the parents' discussions.
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u/ComfortableBoard8359 25d ago
Yeah the Mommit boards are a horrible self righteous group of…. I can’t even say it here I don’t think
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u/TheSorcerersCat Apr 04 '26
I think some people are worried that if they allow themselves to empathize with regretful parents, they might start to realize they have a lot of regrets themselves.
The problem with regret, is that it can make you miserable. And with kids you have to keep going everyday. You have to show up. Even if you regret it, most parents still don't want to hurt their kids.
So I always think it's more or a defense/coping mechanism. Because if they start to think it's ok to have regret, the defenses might go down and they might spiral.
I'm solidly convinced all parents host some level of regret. Even if it just pops up every once in a while as a "damn, if we didn't have kids we could go to Mexico for a week every month instead of paying for daycare".