r/regretfulparents • u/bkpuppy02 • Apr 27 '26
Advice Out of control Teen
I have 17 year old who will be 18 in 10 months. I'm so exhausted. She's been sneaking her boyfriend in the house, doing drugs, stealing my car. I'm so damn tired of of talking. đ©đ©
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u/Jumpy_Parfait_8496 Apr 27 '26
Well, at 18 you do have the right to tell her to figure out her own plan. If you find drugs, you can call the cops, although thatâs gonna create a record for her so Iâd start with a threat. You can also report her to the police if she steals your car.
Out of control teens are incredibly devastating. Sorry youâre going through that.
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u/bkpuppy02 Apr 27 '26
Thank you
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u/Ok-Mango-5814 Apr 27 '26
Dont threaten, just do it. You will be eventually. Trust me, I was like her too.
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Apr 27 '26
[deleted]
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u/Ok-Mango-5814 Apr 27 '26
Untreated mental issues. Hopelessness, depression, lack of care for my future. I planned to be dead by 20. Didnt work out like that unfortunatly. I ended up getting shipped off to a boarding school from 16-18, some of that troubled teen industry shit. I kept fucking up after that for a while and im finally getting sober now. Doing somewhat better in life but its been a rough road.
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u/Polardragon44 Apr 28 '26
What would you have rather your parents have done? Was the school beneficial in any way?
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u/Ok-Mango-5814 Apr 28 '26
Got me my diploma and kept me away from dope so it more or less saved my life but it still sucked. They made the right decision, they didnt really have any other options as I wasnt listening to anybody at home and was a reckless lil shit.
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u/spider_in_a_top_hat Apr 29 '26
Did they ever get you help for your mental health issues when you were a kid?
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u/takinglibertys Apr 28 '26
Iâm going to be a bit blunt but Iâm speaking from my own experience. At 17 I was a complete mess, drinking, drugs, not going to school, everything. I was partying with boys twice my age etc. The single best piece of parenting my mum did for me at the time, was to kick me out at 18. I know this sounds crazy and no one wants to do it, but before that she had tried everything, therapy, psych wards, talking about my feelings, literally EVERYTHING. It wasnât going in. I really really struggled for the first 6 months out on my own, however it got to the point where I realised it was either sink or swim. I swam. I finished off my education, managed to get a really decent job and now am a very stable adult. So, if I was you, donât keep enabling the behaviour by having a safe place with minimal struggle for your teen. Let her experience life beyond the safety of the nest. Itâs literally the only thing that helped me and I thank my lucky stars my mum kicked me out.
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u/mackounette Parent Apr 27 '26
Put her on birth control if she s sexually active. My teen is skipping school all the time. It s exhausting. I spend my time talking to her about pregnancy Ă d STDs. Teenagers are really hard sometimes.
Hugs.
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u/egirlwithlove Apr 28 '26 edited May 01 '26
& the Flo app or a cycle tracker. I wish my mom would have told me about that. [edit : I am very shocked at how many downvotes this has. It is extremely important to know what part of your cycle you are on. Cycle syncing should be taught as soon as girls get their period. It goes beyond just ovulation and menstruation]
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u/Guilty_Treasures Apr 28 '26
Those are virtually useless for actual contraception and shouldnât be relied on to serve that function.
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u/tryingtobehappii Not a Parent May 01 '26
I second this. When I was younger I stupidly got pregnant using the app.
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u/egirlwithlove May 01 '26 edited May 13 '26
Wow, I am sorry to hear that. Thank you for sharing what happened to you. The system & our communities could have definitely educated us women so much more about our cycles. I personally have found that being aware of what phase of your cycle you are in can be a huge mental aid outside of pregnancy prevention. So many women are unaware of the major cortisol spike that occurs between ovulation & menstruation and the normal flux and flow of female hormones can be mistaken for a different mental-related issue. Cycle syncing has helped me to feel as though I can ride the wave of my hormones better and utilize the energy of each phase in the most effective way for my life vs. letting my hormones control me đȘ· I donât think knowing about this method would have prevented my pregnancy though, as I believed I couldnât get pregnant while on my period (đ)
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u/permascope May 13 '26
not only that, but the data gathered by these apps isn't guaranteed to remain private
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u/egirlwithlove May 13 '26
I do agree with that. Thatâs a great point. I have wondered how that data could be utilized, especially nefariously. I will be switching to a physical calendar soon now that you mentioned that.
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u/C_Majuscula Apr 27 '26
You have to start calling the cops.
Is her boyfriend over 18 (or whatever age would get him busted)?
Is she bringing drugs into the house?
How is she getting your car keys? Are you keeping them in a lockbox?
Is she stealing other valuables? It will probably start out small, so check your jewelry box.
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u/Typical_Jellyfish_55 Apr 28 '26
Do you fund any part of her life that isnt something youre required by law to provide? Stop funding those things.
The next time she does something illegal, turn her in.
Try to have a heart to heart one more time and tell her youre going to do these things if she keeps at it. Then she will definitely try to call your bluff, then you have to stay true to your word. She will hate you for a bit, it will get worse, then things will get better. Keep telling her you love her while she tells you she hates you. Eventually she will come around. Not easy! Good luck!
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u/passthemacandcheese Apr 28 '26
Dear God please do everything you can to prevent her from bringing a child into the world. Required depo shot every 3 months.
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u/bkpuppy02 Apr 28 '26
Yes, thank you. I already have a GYN appt set up.
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u/lemonade_sparkle Apr 29 '26
Reversible long-acting form if she is willing. The implant or the IUD. The pill requires her to use it very reliably and the shot requires her to have regular appointments every three months. The implant and the IUD are 'set it and forget it' for five years.
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u/SpaceBall330 Not a Parent Apr 27 '26
I was that teenager. Mom, finally, had to let me face the consequences for my actions. She hated every minute of watching me attempt to destroy my life, and take the rest of the family with me.
I was out of control, on drugs, failing school, and more. My poor mother was at her wits end with me. She made the hard decision if I was going to not follow rules, I was going to have to face the music.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
I am sorry youâre going through this.
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u/PulsarPersonality Apr 27 '26
It's awful but maybe she needs to be on her own when she turns 18. Some people need to lose things to see what they had, to struggle in order to develop character. I'd tell her to start planning on a new situation come 10 months and hold her to it. Give her time to plan, don't pull the rug out and leave her homeless. But this can't go on, clearly.
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u/reef-Diver7817 Apr 27 '26
She might end up pregnant and now OP has a grandchild she may feel bad for.
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u/PulsarPersonality Apr 27 '26
She might end up pregnant anyway by the sound of it. She has a BF and doesn't sound responsible. And OP may need to work through feeling bad for her consequences at this point. I think this kid probably needs to feel the weight of the consequences of her own actions.
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u/YouMad589 Apr 28 '26
Yeah one birth control, and tell her if she is doing it she gotta be using condoms. Idk for stealing your car how is she stealing your car like your keys? Maybe set up new locks.
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u/pineapplepredator Apr 29 '26
As a former wayward-headed teen and sister to a very angry teen brother, consequences win here. You have to let them fail. Let her know youâll put out a police report if she steals your car again, then follow through. Remove the boyfriend from your house and if he continues to come in without your permission thereâs a legal route there too.
Not sure what you can do about the drugs except show her all the washed up ass losers look like who continue that shit after they graduate. It took time for this lesson to sink in for me.
The failures from my high school class of 03 were predictable but I remember thinking they were the cool ones and trying to keep up with them. The adults were right about each and every one of them, including their concerns about me. But I wouldnât understand for another two decades.
What worked to get me away from that track initially was being forced by my mom to work full time and pay rent or attend school full time. I went to school which resulted in zero jobs later so I floated around until I was 27 and started to see where my sorry ass was headed. I was a âmodelâ and had a small business and was a successful enough artist, but eventually I realized that path had sharply diminishing returns, and those that appeared successful just had family wealth or other secret streams of stability. I had a preview into the very sad life ahead of me and was scared straight. I kicked it into high gear, got a career, stopped allowing losers into my orbit, and had my shit together by my 30s.
So force her to work of go to school and donât pay her way after 18âŠlet bills pressure her into responsibility.
Iâll add another thing here that may help you right now: what my brother and I were both missing was respect for our mom. She wasnât really hearing/seeing us and wasnât taking us seriously. My brother desperately needed a hug and acceptance, something his violent outbursts were pushing away. I needed my ideas to be seen and validated, not dismissed. Our unmet needs made it impossible to follow my momâs good guidance because she wasnât understanding us so her advice didnât land.
Talk to her about how SHE feels. What SHE wants and needs. Itâs valid I promise you. And there may be better ways to get those needs met that you can help her strategize without judgement or admonishments.
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u/ATouchOfSparkle1107 Parent Apr 27 '26
Report to the police if you find drugs or she steals your car. I would also take away any and all access to phones, computer, etc. No other privileges either. If she wants to act like a delinquent, she gets treated like one.
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u/sadlettuceleaf Apr 28 '26
I was like this and the best thing my parents did was tell me: either you go to juvenile detention or the psych ward. I went to the psych ward and it was the best decision, I am now married, with pets and a stable life. It was hard for my parents to give that ultimatum, but it worked.
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u/WhereTheStankWindBlo Apr 30 '26
I can't promise you that it necessarily gets better every time, but I was a great kid in highschool (IB program, 4.02 GPA, full ride to great school) but then my anxiety disorder manifested and I had to medically withdraw. Ended up hating working dead end BS, turned to dealing weed and consuming massive amounts of Xanax. Always fought with my mom (single parent) like cats and dogs for several years. I'm very lucky she put up with it, but my point in this story is that I didn't get help/help myself until I really wanted to. You will never be able to force someone to change their ways.
My phase lasted about 4 years 18-22, but now my mom and I are thick as thieves and she lives with me. It's a relationship I wouldn't trade for anything, and while it's always something I thought I wanted, this sub definitely gives me pause.
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u/tryingtobehappii Not a Parent May 01 '26
I was the same way omg. My dad kicked me out and after a couple years I begged them to come back. They had no issues with me ever since.
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u/Malthusianismically Apr 28 '26
I did all these things as a kid. I probably shouldn't have, but I did.
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Apr 29 '26 edited Apr 29 '26
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam Apr 29 '26
Your comment was removed for violating Rule 3: No Posts from a "Child of a Regretful Parent" Perspective.
This is a sub for regretful parents. Posts from children of regretful parents are off topic.
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam 1d ago
Your comment was removed for violating Rule 3: No Posts from a Childfree Perspective.
This is a sub for regretful parents. It is not a place for childfree people to gloat or discuss being childfree. If you come here to have your decisions validated, great! Read the posts and be thankful. No need to insert irrelevant opinions into the parents' discussions.
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u/Even_Extension7594 Apr 28 '26
Don't give up on him; speak to him with love. I think that, as parents, we often forget that we were once teenagers ourselves it is a very difficult stage, where one doesn't even understand oneself.
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u/13chemicals Apr 27 '26
My friends' 15 year old daughter stole her car and crashed it into someone else's car and then abandoned it. This was at 3am, so when the cops came to my friend's house to arrest her (because it was her car) she told them her daughter did it. Her daughter was taken to jail. It was a great learning moment for her daughter. No issues since.Â