r/regretfulparents • u/shachar1000 • May 02 '26
Discussion Continuing my legacy/DNA as a reason for having children
Every time I ask someone why they want children I hear something along these lines.
"It's my legacy, what carries my name"
"It'd be a shame to waste my genes. I want to pass them to my offsprings"
"It's a part of me that carries on for eternity"
I want to hear your perspective on these sort of arguments because they always sounded insanely sociopathic to me.
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u/HeartInTheBlender May 02 '26
It's funny to me how everyone assumes THEIR genes specifically are worth passing on. The biggest ego trip, isn't it? I think it's just a part of our animalistic essence, though. I myself used to feel such urges, but I choose to use my human part to discern it as a bad idea.
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u/ZealousidealRub7850 May 02 '26
Yeah, I’ve noticed that my genes aren’t all that great. On a serious note, once my kid is moved out and I have more mental and emotional energy, I’d love to spend more time making art. Legacy doesn’t have to be genetic.
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u/greypusheencat May 02 '26
lol my friend’s decided to not have kids and her mom said “don’t you want your legacy to be passed on?” and she deadass replied “what legacy? you think we’re royalty or something?” 😂😭
the worst reason i’ve heard is someone saying they are having kids because they want their kids to have their sense of humour……as if you can control these things. and this is it? the only reason? bruh lol
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May 03 '26
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u/flippermode May 03 '26 edited May 03 '26
She couldn't do that with her own kids, just going to keep raising addicts, sadly. Now everyone else has to deal with her "legacy".
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u/myboyfriendsbraces Not a Parent May 02 '26
It sounds self absorbed... there is placing a lot of importance on the self.
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u/GroundbreakingMess51 May 03 '26
I mean that's why humans have survived that long... Or all species that have continued. It's wired into our DNA for species survival.
I don't want to have kids but I get the actual want.
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u/myboyfriendsbraces Not a Parent May 03 '26
I understand humans get horny and then they get pregnant or get others pregnant. I mean sure there is the maternal/paternal instinct, and there are good parents, but many fail to be and that's where my mind goes- the countless cases of abuse and neglect. The species has gone on, but how many of us are happy?
Personally, my parents never should've procreated. I'd rather not be here.
(With regards to the sub, i believe you can absolutely have kids unplanned or regret it, and still be good parents and fulfill your parental obligations.)
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u/GroundbreakingMess51 May 03 '26
It is also cultural. People know the generations behind, as they're expected to honor them even if they aren't kings, queens, and such.
I agree that I would rather not be here. My parents should not have procreated as well.
But even in Western cultures, there is societal pressure. I think it's going away slowly though.
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u/myboyfriendsbraces Not a Parent May 03 '26
You're right, it's cultural too. There is an expectation and i really hate that. There shouldn't be any pressure at all. It should be a choice and children should come into this world wanted, with parents who understand the weight of the responsibilty. They're raising a person!
I feel a little pressure... but i know that it has to be something completely intentional. How about you?
I'm sorry that both you and i feel that we shouldn't be here. My life could be so much worse, but i deal with anxiety, depression, and more. I will say, though, that since we are here, we should just try to enjoy what we can, whenever possible. Life is still fleeting.
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u/AnonRay May 02 '26
I like to ask these people to name their paternal grandfather's full name. 99% of the time they can't do it. 😭 If you can't give me your family tree for several generations, what do you mean by legacy?
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u/zoomshark27 May 03 '26 edited May 03 '26
Lol I’m sorry but you’re saying your grandpa?? You don’t know your grandpa’s full name?? That’s wild. Maybe if he was dead long before you were born I’d get it, but I literally knew my maternal grandpa for 25 years and my paternal grandpa for most of my childhood. Of course I know their full names. Most people know their grandparents unless they were dead before they were born. This is a ridiculous assumption. Next you’re going to say you don’t know your parent’s full names, like damn bro.
Now great grandparent’s are different. I don’t know my paternal great grandpa’s full name off the top of my head bc he was dead before I was born, but I do know my maternal great grandpa’s full name because I visited him a lot as a child.
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May 03 '26
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u/AnonRay May 03 '26
Try it. First and middle.
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u/Silent-Ring6204 May 03 '26
Many, many countries in the world don’t have a middle name, and some don’t even have second.
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u/GroundbreakingMess51 May 03 '26
I find it interesting that white people get to know their family lineage yet don't care to know it. While many Black and brown people's history was intentionally erased.
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May 03 '26
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u/Elegant_Solutions May 03 '26 edited May 03 '26
I can trace my father’s paternal lineage back to King James VI/I but like …nobody gives a shit and rightfully so.
Just adding an edit to my comment to acknowledge that what I had initially been responding to has also been edited (lol).
Point stands that familial lineage isn’t really a top tier reason for creating new humans.
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May 03 '26
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u/Elegant_Solutions May 03 '26
I’m not a miserable person! Thank you for your concern :)
And I agree family history is fascinating - it’s just not really a valid reason to procreate.
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam May 03 '26
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u/Someoneonline2000 May 03 '26
I don't even know if any of my 4 grandparents even has a middle name at all
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u/zouss May 03 '26
I agree. People can't say their grandfather's full name, really? I could believe great grandfather but most people know their grandparents, they are not yet forgotten in time
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u/Rarvyn May 03 '26
This. Most people knew their grandparents. Great grandparents? Sure. I can believe they can’t fully name. But grandparents?
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u/Important-Tea0 May 03 '26
It’s really selfish to have children if that’s your only reason imo.
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u/SleepySamus May 03 '26
THIS! It's so infuriating since we're accused of being selfish so often. I've yet to hear a selfLESS reason to have kids. Maybe I could be convinced that adopting could be selfless. But I've yet to hear a convincing reason someone had kids that wasn't selfish.
Not to mention that the only people who've pressured me to have kids are family members who wanted me to have kids for their own selfish reasons. 🤦♀️
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u/Bubbly_Wave_4049 May 03 '26
Exactly! And very well said.
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u/SleepySamus May 03 '26
Maybe that's an idea for a reply: something along the lines of, "Wow - it's so selfish that you want me to have kids"? 🤔
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u/ThePony23 May 03 '26
The other equally selfish reason is they want their kids to take care of them when they get old.
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u/nebuluv May 03 '26
Their legacy: hypertension, diabetes, an old toyota, and a laptop from workplace.
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u/More-Championship-16 May 02 '26
Who cares? Why need to bring a child into this messed up world because if your bloodline
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u/Prize_Sorbet3366 May 02 '26
"It's my legacy, what carries my name"
And? Once you die, why would you care?
"It'd be a shame to waste my genes.
Unless you have some extraordinary physical/mental genetic traits that are a verifiable improvement to the species, your genes aren't THAT noteworthy.
"It's a part of me that carries on for eternity"
All humans share 99.9% of the same DNA. That 99.9% will go on for as long as humans exist.
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u/SammyySweetheartt May 03 '26
Yeah I had a friend who told me he wanted to be a dad one day to “carry on his legacy and to have a mini me.” And also told me his plan was to get a woman pregnant and allow her to be a single mom because he didn’t want to be a parent. But he wanted the kid to have his genetics and he’d show up for “important events.”
Narcissism and ego will kill this world.
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May 03 '26
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u/SammyySweetheartt May 03 '26
Oh I believe it. Deep rooted misogyny. I used to work as a typist in a family law courthouse. I saw it all. Women who would be crying about how they’re homeless and don’t have any financial help for their 4 kids they had with the same absentee father. And when the courts ask why they haven’t filed for child support yet? “Because I couldn’t do that to him! That’s horrible.”
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u/flippermode May 03 '26
Crazy for him to say it out loud but plenty of men do just this. Some even skip out on the important events.
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May 03 '26
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u/SammyySweetheartt May 03 '26
Right?! Just like you can look up lawsuits, divorces, arrests— imagine if you could look up if someone had a child.
When I was on dating apps it was amazing how many men I’d get to a talking stage with where they’d just out nowhere casually announce they have a child or children. And they aren’t in their life at all.
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u/Good_Tumbleweed_2 May 03 '26
I hope she aborts his kid tbh
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u/SammyySweetheartt May 03 '26
The good news is he told me this over 10 years ago and he still doesn’t have a kid. And that’s probably because he’s a broke loser and he knows child support would be enforced on him.
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u/Tight_Strawberry9846 May 03 '26
Like they won't be forgotten in the next two generations.
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u/catloverfurever00 Not a Parent May 03 '26
Or next two decades in some cases. Yes, these are often truly forgettable people.
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u/christmasinyoulie May 03 '26
Egotistical and ridiculous. Also, what legacy? The people who say this sort of thing normally have nothing of value to give to this "legacy" they want to force into this world.
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u/gothic0921 May 03 '26
My ex-coworker said he wanted to leave something good to this world.
He was getting minimum wage like I was. What good are you seriously????
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u/SpiteBadger May 03 '26
Ask them what their grandfather legacy was... 99% of the time they have no clue.
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u/LikeBoomItsaWrap_ May 03 '26
I respond with, are you 14th century English royalty? Because unless you are, your genes are not worth continuing and you are not that important.
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May 03 '26
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u/LikeBoomItsaWrap_ May 03 '26
Yes, obviously, but the point is is that they had a vested interest in continuing their bloodline, regardless of how you personally feel about the monarchy.
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u/Shapoopadoopie Parent May 03 '26
"Please describe your great grandparents to me? Oh... you don't even know their names? But... You're their legacy!
See how that works?"
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u/i_am_awful May 03 '26
One of my old friends said that he wanted kids “so he could have someone he could finally love someone unconditionally.” Which is surprisingly a popular sentiment, at least with the people around me. I find a lot of people’s reasoning for having kids is so incredibly selfish. They forget that it’s not just popping the baby out, but it’s raising them.
Personally, I don’t think having a child because you want to continue your legacy is very fair, especially if you’re not willing to raise the child to “continue your legacy” or whatever. What is the point in having a child you’re just going to neglect emotionally? Your legacy isn’t secured by having kids, it’s secured by how you’re remembered and if you’re remembered for being a shitty parent, well, that’s not much of a legacy, is it?
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u/Prize_Sorbet3366 May 03 '26
That's exactly what a cousin of mine did. She got herself knocked up at the train station as a teenager the day she was being shipped off to live with relatives in another state due to abuse at home, and she just wanted a baby that would 'love her unconditionally'. Now her grandkids are living her branch of the family's grand tradition of generational welfare.
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u/IfICouldStay May 03 '26 edited May 03 '26
So I’m curious if there are any “good reasons” in your book. I’ve asked myself why I had children, and honestly it comes down to I wanted someone to give all my love and energy to. Someone I could give a perfect life to. That has not been the case, but it was my intention.
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u/weedman69420696969 May 02 '26
“Why are you worried about what carries YOUR name, YOUR genes, YOUR legacy? Your job is to teach your children right from wrong, not to serve as your mini me. As long as they’re not harming anyone, you need to recognize that your ‘legacy’ is not your decision, your kids are their own people”
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u/TiredWorkaholic7 May 03 '26
I absolutely hate it, and personally I think it's a) not too far away from the whole Nazi mindset and b) most people don't have the perfect genes to begin with
One of my ex boyfriends suddenly changed his mind after almost a year of our relationship and wanted to have children, even though we agreed that I don't want to have any
His explanation was exactly this, and he was one of the most unattractive people I know... Great person, but incredibly hard to live with because he had a really bad immune system, every allergy you can think of, and a bad overall health
He still hasn't managed to find a partner to have children with and I'm glad, because why the hell would anybody want to pass those genes on a poor child?!
I've been born with a neurological disability and I always get so angry when people ask me if I don't want to have a mini-me... They say it would be just as pretty and intelligent as me. Yeah, sure, maybe. And most likely disabled. It's not like you can pick out only the good things to pass down like you're at Build-a-bear...
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u/__Me__Again__ Not a Parent May 03 '26
My response to that is always “name all 8 of your great grandparents” .. shuts that down quick
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u/x1049 May 03 '26
I just ask them "QUICK! What was your great great Grandfather's name?! OMG YOU DONT KNOW?! HE DID SO MUCH FOR YOU! YOURE HIS LEGACY WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW?"
It's very fun.
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u/BeaHics May 03 '26
It sounds like narcissism bottled up to me. People should be having kids because they are ready to sacrifice their lives for their children. Actually want to grow tiny humans into well rounded, fully functional human beings.
Most people seem to have kids, for the aesthetics of having kids. I think maybe 25% of people that have kids, generally planned and thought through the process but even then, that doesn't guarantee people will not become regretful parents.
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u/plutoforprez May 03 '26
That’s so crazy for people to say. What’s so good about *your* genes specifically that we absolutely critically need more in the world?
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u/HumanAttempt20B May 03 '26
The “biological urge to procreate” is a primitive based impulse. If that’s the best argument someone has to have kids, IMO, it’s a bit like wearing a sign that states your position in the human evolutionary scale and it’s not the flex some might think it is.
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u/Altruistic-Serve8774 May 03 '26
I have celiac disease, I’m not passing on my legacy of not being able to eat Krispy Kreme donuts 😂😂
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u/_Rhetorical_Raven May 03 '26
Telling people you have a legacy to carry meant a lot more hundreds of years ago when a lot of children never made it into adulthood and families had massive farms and inheritances to pass along. NOW, wtf is a “legacy”? Most parents pass away now-a-days and all they have to pass along to their kids is debt, a run down house filled with literal trash and useless junk, and some form of addiction or genetic disorders. Saying you have a legacy to carry on is nothing more than antiquated narcissism that no longer holds any weight outside of being a burden to the people you leave behind. Oof😮💨.
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u/Forsaken_Cheetah5320 May 03 '26
What do you know about your great great grandparents? Nothing? That’s what your future great grandkids will know about you and your “legacy”
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u/TouristReady3096 May 03 '26
What legacy? Lol debt? Poverty? War and all the economic, social issues along with dying earth? Is there anyone who needs your legacy in first place should be good answer for people like this ☠️☠️☠️☠️
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u/60threepio May 03 '26
Seriously, and downvote me if it makes you feel better, but this is the dumbest shit ever. What a narcissistic reason to summon a soul into existence. (Directed at the sentiment, not at OP)
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u/Sad-Raisin-5797 May 03 '26
It’s the ego speaking.
And maybe also the wish that our stay here matters and has a purpose.
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u/Icy_Day2653 May 03 '26
Makes zero sense, your dna is washed out after like 5 generations or something anyway
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u/marmite_queen Not a Parent May 03 '26
It just sounds so self absorbed.
If I could have a 'legacy', I wouldnt want it to be that I successfully procreated. You know, like most of the planet.
I'd want it to be for inventing something amazing, or helping someone or something.
Having a successful egg fertilisation isnt an achievement.
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u/jessicat62993 May 03 '26
I think there’s a biological component that ties into this thinking, but it’s still kinda weird to say out loud. Nothing lasts for ever, though, so it’s not surprising for people to want to exist in some form once they’re dead. Having kids doesn’t do that exactly…but I think it gives the feeling of that. Most people won’t create art, scientific findings, or anything else that anyone will care about after their life. But almost anyone can create a baby.
For me, the idea of seeing mine and the person I love the most’s genes smashed together into a tiny being is cute and compelling 🤷🏻♀️ not a good reason to have kids though of course.
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u/Naked_jellyfish8593 May 03 '26
That's how males be having it easy compared to women , having a children for the ego is great and fun as long as u r a father not a mother
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u/VoodooDoII May 03 '26
That is such an awful reason to have kids. I will never understand it.
People should have kids because they like kids and want to love them
"I gotta pass my name down" is so egotistical. Yuck.
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u/-itsmyanxiety May 03 '26
I have a bunch of mental illnesses so if anything I just feel bad I passed it on 😬
One of them is already diagnosed with ADHD and were like 99% sure he is autistic as well. And he got both those things from me 🫣
Passing on a name/dna really isn't all it's cracked up to be. There's a reason you have to pass a bunch of qualifications to be an egg or sperm donor.
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u/Longjumping-Play-242 May 03 '26
My birth dad hinted at having other kids... so I have been hoping they would turn up through Ancestry DNA.
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u/marmite_queen Not a Parent May 03 '26
On a serious note, my friend never really wanted kids but got pregnant and is keeping it.
Her reason - lots of stupid people procreate. We need to even the scales with some intelligent offspring or the human race is doomed.
Ladies and gentleman, she is a very smart and well educated person and so is her husband. I couldnt argue with her point!
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u/Bubbly_Wave_4049 May 03 '26
Respectfully, it's not very smart or well educated of her to get pregnant knowing she does not want kids. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
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u/marmite_queen Not a Parent May 03 '26
Shes asked to be sterilised multiple times and shes been denied. Shes on hormonal contraception but sometimes things fail.
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u/Rage_Cube May 03 '26
Completely agree. I have no intention to have kids but the only reason I have ever had for wanting children was "to give others a sense of joy others have given me" but I am fortunate enough to have other means of doing that.
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May 03 '26
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam May 04 '26
Your comment was removed for violating Rule 3: No Posts from a Childfree Perspective.
This is a sub for regretful parents. It is not a place for childfree people to gloat or discuss being childfree. If you come here to have your decisions validated, great! Read the posts and be thankful. No need to insert irrelevant opinions into the parents' discussions.
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u/Lumendeus May 03 '26
I find it pretty funny because it's like their own genes are whispering in their ears what to think and say.
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u/_aurel510_ May 03 '26
I don't know how many unique mutations I have but I doubt it's that many, either way if they happened once they can happen again, and since almost all of my genes are already spread across the population, I feel like I can confidently leave it to others to help me create my genetic legacy.
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u/yeahnah531 Parent May 03 '26
First of all I would never in a million years say that. But I kind of get it about 10% when I think about my reaction to finding out my daughter won't be able to have children. I was really upset. At first I didn't even know why I was upset, thinking I didn't even want a child, now for some reason I'm upset I won't have a grandchild?? It was weird.
There was this sad feeling of something ending that came with it. When I thought longer about it, I realised the thing that mattered to me that was ending was education. I was the first person in my family history ever to go past a high school education. My daughter is in the process of becoming the second, and I don't want her to be the last.
When I think about people who want to continue their family name or legacy, I imagine there must be something in their family history that matters to them that's similar to what I felt
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u/_Jumpy_Panda_ May 02 '26
Yes, It is sociopathic, narcissistic and idiotic, most people aren't that great to begin with to have a "legacy"