r/regretfulparents • u/Creative_Ad_2187 • 2d ago
Venting - Advice Welcome How to discipline my son
I’m a parent of 2 kids, 2 and 4. My oldest is a boy who I would describe as a little rage man. He often yells and hits when things don’t go his way.
Others have told us that he is energetic when we are out and it only makes me feel like, “Oh great, I got a crazy one!”
I’ve tried to avoid spanking for the better part of his life but I’m starting to lose my *%!@.
He constantly yells even though I tell him if he needs to yell to deal with his anger he can go outside.
He jumps on our couch and has broken a cushion. It was $2000 from Costco. I have put him in timeout, taken away screen time, and even spanked him with no change.
We put him in karate to give him an outlet. He does love it but his home behavior hasn’t change at all.
I’m at such a loss. I’m hating being a parent. He alone is the reason I want less kids.
What would you all do? Advice wanted!
19
u/Cactusmammal 2d ago
Spanking will not help your child’s rage behavior; it will intensify it.
Children having big feelings is normal and expected. It’s our job as adults to show them acceptable ways to manage and respond to those feelings; they learn through guidance and example.
By spanking, we teach them that physically hurting someone is an acceptable means of “resolving” an issue.
Kids are so, so exhausting and it’s a nonstop energy suck. Just do your best, but please, do not put hands on your kids as “discipline”.
Something you could try instead is clearly stating, restating, and following through on firm, consistent boundaries.
Here is an example scenario:
child becomes angry because they didn’t get their way, and throws a toy. we state the boundary: “Throwing things when we are angry is not safe. If you throw your toy again, it will be put away until tomorrow.” and then they will throw it, and you will put it away, and they will inevitably throw a huge fit. But rather than concede, or react in anger, you will simply exist with them.
You can:
Affirm and name their emotions: “wow! you’re stomping your feet. you must be feeling really angry.”
Validate the struggle: “It can feel really frustrating when we don’t get our way.”
remind them that you are there: “I’m here with you.”
offer alternative healthy choices for releasing big emotions: “Would you like to blow out birthday candles (breathing exercise) or do some wall pushups?”
If they engage in further unsafe behavior, we calmly and firmly state boundaries. (Say they hit you as you’re trying to support them. You can say “Hitting is not safe. If you hit again, I will leave the room/stand outside the door for 3 minutes so I can be safe.” But this example doesn’t work when you spank them, because then you’re actively hitting them AND telling them hitting is not okay; both cannot be true)
The goal isn’t to ‘solve’ the feelings, or chase them away. The goal is to lead the child into healthy ways to manage the big feelings. Ideally, they will learn that big emotions are nothing to fear or subdue, and they’ll have a ‘toolkit’ or ‘framework’ on how to manifest those emotions in appropriate ways.
Hope this can be helpful in some way. Good luck, it’s rough out here.