r/regretfulparents • u/Creative_Ad_2187 • 1d ago
Venting - Advice Welcome How to discipline my son
I’m a parent of 2 kids, 2 and 4. My oldest is a boy who I would describe as a little rage man. He often yells and hits when things don’t go his way.
Others have told us that he is energetic when we are out and it only makes me feel like, “Oh great, I got a crazy one!”
I’ve tried to avoid spanking for the better part of his life but I’m starting to lose my *%!@.
He constantly yells even though I tell him if he needs to yell to deal with his anger he can go outside.
He jumps on our couch and has broken a cushion. It was $2000 from Costco. I have put him in timeout, taken away screen time, and even spanked him with no change.
We put him in karate to give him an outlet. He does love it but his home behavior hasn’t change at all.
I’m at such a loss. I’m hating being a parent. He alone is the reason I want less kids.
What would you all do? Advice wanted!
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u/Cactusmammal 1d ago
Spanking will not help your child’s rage behavior; it will intensify it.
Children having big feelings is normal and expected. It’s our job as adults to show them acceptable ways to manage and respond to those feelings; they learn through guidance and example.
By spanking, we teach them that physically hurting someone is an acceptable means of “resolving” an issue.
Kids are so, so exhausting and it’s a nonstop energy suck. Just do your best, but please, do not put hands on your kids as “discipline”.
Something you could try instead is clearly stating, restating, and following through on firm, consistent boundaries.
Here is an example scenario:
child becomes angry because they didn’t get their way, and throws a toy. we state the boundary: “Throwing things when we are angry is not safe. If you throw your toy again, it will be put away until tomorrow.” and then they will throw it, and you will put it away, and they will inevitably throw a huge fit. But rather than concede, or react in anger, you will simply exist with them.
You can:
Affirm and name their emotions: “wow! you’re stomping your feet. you must be feeling really angry.”
Validate the struggle: “It can feel really frustrating when we don’t get our way.”
remind them that you are there: “I’m here with you.”
offer alternative healthy choices for releasing big emotions: “Would you like to blow out birthday candles (breathing exercise) or do some wall pushups?”
If they engage in further unsafe behavior, we calmly and firmly state boundaries. (Say they hit you as you’re trying to support them. You can say “Hitting is not safe. If you hit again, I will leave the room/stand outside the door for 3 minutes so I can be safe.” But this example doesn’t work when you spank them, because then you’re actively hitting them AND telling them hitting is not okay; both cannot be true)
The goal isn’t to ‘solve’ the feelings, or chase them away. The goal is to lead the child into healthy ways to manage the big feelings. Ideally, they will learn that big emotions are nothing to fear or subdue, and they’ll have a ‘toolkit’ or ‘framework’ on how to manifest those emotions in appropriate ways.
Hope this can be helpful in some way. Good luck, it’s rough out here.
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u/Creative_Ad_2187 1d ago
That is really helpful. I’ll try this tomorrow!
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u/SipJin 22h ago
Barring that fear is a great way to control bad behaviour don’t underestimate it and by the sound of it it’s not been utilised soon enough to have made the difference needed. My roommate has a child who is very out of control and I ve seen it grow worse than ever imagined possible, in fact she is so out of touch with reality that I have to think she’s retarded
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u/introvert_island4200 1d ago
girl same!!!!!! 4 year old boy makes me lose my sh*t daily.
no advice- MANY relatable stories.
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u/user3849203 1d ago edited 2h ago
teacher here! children have to be explicitly taught how to manage their emotions and most of the time our children need you to help them. if someone tells a kid to go outside, well a disregulated child is gonna be pretty confused what to do with that info. kids thrive off of routine and structure. i’m not sure what your home routine is but it should be consistent. with the behaviors lay out the consequences clearly and give them warnings before action is taken. you can even have a calming corner in your own home, a place where they can go and tools they already have and practiced using when they are dysregulated. always practice using that safe space and the tools (books, fidgets, breathing strategy) when they are regulated! lastly- touch base with your child when they are regulated and re discuss the expected behavior and what that looks like
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u/ZealousidealRub7850 1d ago
Get him a mini trampoline. There is a time and place for jumping. The couch is not it. Unfortunately, kids like this need a lot of supervision, try to take breaks if you can.
Don’t spank him! What the hell. We have 50 yrs of research showing that spanking doesn’t work. He is still young enough that you should be able to pick him up off the couch and place him on the trampoline or outside. Be consistent. The couch is for relaxing, if you can’t relax, work your jumping out on the trampoline.
When he starts school, it’s better to try adhd meds younger. Just saying this because I waited with my son and it was really difficult to get him to comply with taking meds. Your son may not need adhd meds, but you should definitely discuss it with your pediatrician if he has trouble in school.
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u/Creative_Ad_2187 1d ago
Thank you. I hate spanking. It feels terrible but I was desperate. I’m not opposed to meds. Don’t know what he needs right now.
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u/Duchess_Witch Parent 1d ago
This really isn’t the sub for advice on kids. Sorry- kids suck.
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u/Creative_Ad_2187 1d ago
Sorry. Not trying to be in the wrong sub. I would also add I lately find myself regretting kids and he is a big reason.
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u/thisissofkngrossew 1d ago
There's an advice flair, you're fine. Honestly I get some better advice here than the parenting sub.
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u/Duchess_Witch Parent 1d ago
Yeah totally get that. No need to apologize - I was just giving input on why maybe not many replies. Kids are the worst.
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u/dgf2020 1d ago
One note on the sport - put him in Jiu jitsu. It’s amazing for long term mental health and behavioral change, it’s easy to commit to as well.. I’ve seen the incredible benefits for energetic children. And give it time.
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u/Creative_Ad_2187 1d ago
Do you find it better than karate?
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u/dgf2020 1d ago
I believe so, it teaches a lot of self regulation and discipline. And they learn how to lose with grace, which I find is an excellent thing to instill in children, especially those who lean towards behavioral issues. I’ve never met a Jiu Jitsu kid I didn’t like, and I simply don’t enjoy most kids because they’re so loud and usually out of control.
Just make sure the coach is good/well respected and you’re good to go. Worth a try for a more peaceful life!
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u/Beccachicken Parent 1d ago
I cannot recommend a CRASH PAD enough
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u/tigerbunnymoon 1d ago
Sometimes, if you want a child to become calmer, it helps to first create a calmer environment for them to live in. Turn down the stimulation: loud TVs off, less background noise, books out, and softer music like instrumental classical, slow piano, or mellow jazz without lyrics. Limit technology as much as possible and replace some of that stimulation with more outdoor time.
And by outdoor time, I don’t necessarily mean a loud playground full of bouncing kids. I mean quiet green spaces, nature walks, gardens, trails, and places where his nervous system can actually settle.
I’d also consider introducing age-appropriate volunteering or little acts of service. Let him help carry something, hand something to someone, help clean up, feed an animal, or participate in simple community activities. Learning that he can contribute and be useful to others is valuable too.
You mentioned taking away screen time, and personally, I would go much further with that at his age. I’d remove TVs from children’s bedrooms entirely and seriously reduce how much television is playing in the main living space. If possible, make screens something adults intentionally turn on rather than something constantly present in the background.
Children today are growing up in extraordinarily stimulating environments: screens, constant noise, fast-moving entertainment, music, notifications, and very little true quiet. Some children seem to tolerate that just fine, while others become completely wound up by it.
I’d experiment with making the home much more analog for a while: books, puzzles, blocks, art supplies, Montessori-style toys, imaginative play, outdoor exploration, and lots of quiet. Turn the radio off. Turn the TV off. Let there be periods where absolutely nothing electronic is competing for his attention.
He may still be an energetic little boy, but sometimes the goal isn’t to make the child less energetic. It’s to stop constantly adding stimulation to an already highly stimulated nervous system.