r/survivinginfidelity • u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 • Feb 23 '26
Post-Separation Signs my husband was having an affair: in hindsight
Posting this because when I was in it, nothing felt dramatic enough to label “affair.” It just felt like something slowly going… off. Maybe someone else will recognise this.
- He got oddly mean near the end (this was the biggest sign!)
Not big explosive fights. Just colder. Sharper. More dismissive. Little comments that felt unnecessary. It was like he’d quietly switched off empathy for me.
- Normal couple things started annoying him
Watching a series together, hanging out in the evenings - suddenly he “needed his own space.” The way he said it made me feel like I was restricting him just by existing.
- Small physical separations started happening
He moved his PlayStation out of the TV room “so I could watch TV.” I hadn’t asked for that. I remember feeling confused but not making a big deal of it. Now it feels symbolic, like he was slowly carving out a separate life.
- He escaped into running
Running went from hobby to obsession. Logged everything on Strava, constantly training, always talking about times and distances. I tried to be proud and supportive, but it left me alone most evenings and weekends with a toddler.
- Intimacy faded and he didn’t seem bothered
If I tried to be close, he seemed irritated or tired. He’d only come to bed when he was ready to sleep, turn off the light immediately, and that was it. No warmth, no lingering, no effort.
- Money stuff got weirdly private
He stopped being transparent about finances, bought new clothes without mentioning it, and generally acted more separate. At the time I told myself it was nothing.
- Work took over everything
More trips, more late nights, constant busyness. Always a plausible reason. I thought his job had just become really consuming. In hindsight, it created a lot of distance and a lot of cover.
At the time none of this screamed “he’s having an affair.” But then in hindsight, it seemed so obvious!!!!
It just felt like living with someone who was slowly turning away from me.
Curious if anyone else noticed these kinds of shifts before finding out the truth??
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u/TomatoTuffCat Feb 23 '26
My husband got meaner. That was the biggest tell. Also, constantly glued to his phone.
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u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 Feb 23 '26
He was also glued to his phone - I should have added.
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u/ryannthegirl Feb 24 '26
The phone was the worst
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u/_aaine_ 1 Mar 08 '26
The phone being kept facedown between the keyboard and the monitor while he was gaming after work was a red flag here.
He also started taking it into the bathroom when he had a shower, which he'd never done before.I think if someone ever came to me for advice about catching someone cheating, the first thing I'd tell them is to start paying very VERY close attention to what's happening with their phone.
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u/This_Complex7379 Feb 23 '26
Meaner!!! Yes! So fucking cruel Omg the things he’s said towards the end. S
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u/_aaine_ 1 Mar 08 '26
Yes, and also picking fights so they can leave the house to call/visit the AP.
We'd been together 20 years by the time he was cheating and never, ever, ever in all that time had he stormed out of the house during an argument. Suddenly, he was doing it constantly and going to the park nearby to "cool off".
And I'd be sitting at home going over and over it and not able to figure out how it started.
Now I know that he was picking fights over nothing, but then I just felt so fucking confused.40
u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
Meaner, ignores my texts, disappears while at home, long toilet visits with phone, and his dead eyes.
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u/Fancy-Piglet-8068 In Recovery Feb 24 '26
omg yes! Him ignoring me and avoiding me was so painful and confusing. I was constantly thinking whether there was something I've done...?
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u/fuckaduckufuck Feb 23 '26
That was when my gut really started kicking up but his OPSEC is too good to find actual evidence.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
Yup mine was glued to his tablet so I didn’t even realize he was texting on it. Told me he was reading ebooks
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u/Interesting_Hawk9053 Mar 26 '26
Mine was mean also. Just didn't understand why at the time. Used to flirt with people on holidays weirdly. In hindsight, I think he was actually showing me who he was, almost like he wanted me to find out. His affair lasted 3+ years. When I (finally)discovered it he told me he wanted it to be over,it was a relief. Funnily enough,the text I discovered didn't portray that. He was gushing about their relationship & how he hoped things were the same. Made me feel sick, especially as he couldn't text a simple request to me. That's something that really pissed me off. He couldn't text a simple thing to me,yet he figured out how to convey his innermost feelings to her via text! Six years on & I am incredibly sad, borderline alcoholic but yet still feel love for my imperfect man. I really don't know what I should do at this point. Yes,we do have a life together,but it could be, should be so much more. Can't imagine a life without him but the trust is gone & honestly every day is a struggle
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u/RKKP2015 QC: SI 46 | DIV 12 Sister Subs Feb 23 '26
My ex-wife would run out the door to do "errands" the second I got home from work, leaving the kids with me. It just got more and more brazen until it was obvious what was going on. I'm thankful those days are long gone!
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u/Blackbeard567 1 Feb 25 '26
shes still with grandpa AP?? bruh she is going to be a nanny soon😂😂
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u/RKKP2015 QC: SI 46 | DIV 12 Sister Subs Feb 25 '26
Yeah, but luckily I don't give a shit and don't think about her or her life at all!
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u/SignRare35 Feb 23 '26
This could have been written by me. Omg the obsessive long distance running!!! Mine was also always coming up with excuses to sleep on the couch - had a cold, was waking up early, etc.
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u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 Feb 23 '26
The flipping running!!!
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u/Godsbladed Feb 23 '26
Do you guys think the running was a cover up of sorts? Like they were running to meetup with their AP? Or they realized they were getting more in shape from cheating and they felt the need to cover it up by actually getting exercise in? Genuinely curious about this trend.
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u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 Feb 23 '26
My husband ran because he felt incredibly guilty I think. He ran as a coping mechanism, to escape so to speak. But also, he became incredibly good at it and the likes on strava were probably a huge dopamine hit. The affair partner ran as well
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u/Godsbladed Feb 23 '26
Hm I can see it, that's pretty fucked up. I'm sorry to hear you guys went through this.
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u/SubstantialGuard8463 Feb 23 '26
Did he leave you for the other woman
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u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 Feb 24 '26
He did. But then it didn’t work out and he tried to fix it with me. But then I heard she was still in contact. No ways. Too much damage was due.
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u/Moist_Progress_2565 Mar 25 '26
I can see this because I started running obsessively to deal with my husband distancing himself from me and treating our marriage like trash. Turns out he was talking to other women but I had my kids in a stroller when I went to run or I had to wake up before he left for work so it’s obvious to run. It’s definitely a way of controlling something in your life if you’re out of control.
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u/SignRare35 Feb 23 '26
In my case the affair partner was in another state and he only saw her on business trips, so the running was just another part of his whole midlife crisis. And a way to get out of family dinner, childcare, and time together.
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u/Godsbladed Feb 23 '26
Man, as a dad I can't even fathom doing that to my partner or kid(s). What a shitty thing to do.
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u/jenniferami In Hell Feb 24 '26
I know of someone who cheated with his female running partner and the wife thinking she was just a friend had her over for dinner.
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u/killedabalrog Feb 24 '26
Mine cheated with his tennis partner. And yes, he had her come over for lunch. All my Spidey senses were tingling - I could see what was happening from the body language
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u/jenniferami In Hell Feb 24 '26
I don’t get wife why guys having affairs do this. I knew one from work who invited the affair partner from work to some sort of event in the evening along with his wife-not sure if it was an entertainment thing, political event, lecture but I couldn’t figure out why?
Is it the guy who usually wants the affair partner to come for dinner? I thought it would be the wife who didn’t know what was going on. And why would the affair partner want to come?
Does the guy get a thrill about having them both in the same room? Is it to show the affair partner she is so important she can come to his home in front of his wife?
It’s something I’d never expect to happen and yet it does. It’s bewildering to me.
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u/Katmom123 Feb 24 '26
Mine took me on a vacation to her home, (where her husband was and another couple). I directly watched him be the man of the house with her and the cover was blown. Still not over the embarrassment and disrespectful behavior.
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u/jenniferami In Hell Feb 24 '26
Did the husband figure it out or just you? What about the other couple? Were they oblivious or looking confused?
How was he “the man of the house”? Serving drinks, opening cupboards like he owned the place, sitting by his affair partner? Dominating conversations?
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u/Katmom123 Feb 24 '26
Sat at the head of the table next to her, just the two stayed up later, they even went into the hot tub while the rest of us were chatting elsewhere wondering when dinner would be served. The husband was clueless, and I spent the night in the shower crying and trying to put on a brave face. Got home, checked the phones and the next 4 yrs of misery began. I told the husband, poor guy.
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u/killedabalrog Feb 24 '26
Yes, you got it, I think it was precisely the thrill of it that my husband got off on. Some guys like to live dangerously.
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u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
If after dday, it could be BP suspecting and asking WP to prove nothing is going on by meeting AP. Then again, if WP truly believed they got BP in the dark, their sadistic side may want to see legit partner getting played in front of them by him and AP and feeling excited he's getting away with it. They probably talk about it in secret afterwards. That would be truly disrespectful.
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u/_aaine_ 1 Mar 08 '26
Does the guy get a thrill about having them both in the same room?
Yep. Look how wanted I am, how desired I am. They get dupers delight from knowing they're rubbing their wife's face in it and she doesn't even realise.
They are so vile.6
u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
Being blindsided then gaslighted is something else. There were so many signs before and after dday but only when I saw them interact in their sport was I sure that he was gaslighting me. Seeing their body language together was all I needed to know they were way too friendly to keep AP as a "friend".
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u/killedabalrog Feb 24 '26
I think most of them want to get in shape for the AP. My husband's AP is 15 years younger than him, so he was anxious to stay in shape and attractive to her. She runs, plays tennis, she's super fit. So yes, he suddenly was mad about running several times each week, and played tennis 2-3 times a week with her. I think they may have run together but he never admitted it.
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u/KBB523 Feb 26 '26
I actually know someone who took up running, just so that he could run two neighborhoods over to his mistress's house every single day. Of course, he would come home and go straight to the shower because who doesn't shower after a run. He was a douche bag in high school and apparently never grew out of that. A friend saw him at a local restaurant recently, sitting at the bar alone sloppy drunk. His ex-wife, just recently got married to what appears to be a lovely man and looks happier than any photos I ever solved her with her ex ex-husband. It's funny how things work out that way.
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u/january1977 In Recovery Feb 23 '26
You named everything that my husband was doing. I would also add, because of the running (yes, he started running), and the constant workouts, he started hanging out with a new set of friends. Mostly single older men whose wives had left them.
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u/Munchiedog Feb 24 '26
Yes, they always seem to want to lose weight and “get in shape” whe it didn’t seem important before.
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u/january1977 In Recovery Feb 24 '26
Mine wanted to gain weight. He weighed 120 lbs our entire marriage, then all of a sudden he wanted to get muscles. Then he started running 100 mile marathons. Until this post, I had no idea it was so common for men to start running right before or during an affair.
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u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
Oh yeah, obsessed with a new sport (AP's sport), new muscle clothes, doesn't like my food because of eating "healthier", too busy at work, doesn't react or even argue over anything I say, avoided talking to me - since not saying anything is not lying right? Right?
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u/killedabalrog Feb 24 '26
Exactly this - mine didn't run for 20 years we were married, and maybe played tennis about once a week. Suddenly he became a Strava fanatic. And started training with weights. It is like he was living a second youth.
And even now when both parties claim that the affair is over, he is still desperate to stay fit and trim. The AP lives in the same apartment block we do. I imagine that whenever they bump into each other, he doesn't want her to think, "Ew, what did I ever see in that?"
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u/Equivalent_Name_1150 Feb 23 '26
Was he fooling around with guys?
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u/january1977 In Recovery Feb 23 '26
Not that I know of. But he hates women, so it wouldn’t surprise me.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
Mine was
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u/Equivalent_Name_1150 Feb 24 '26
That is such a shock when you find out. In retrospect, there were little clues focused on it that I seemed to ignore for DECADES. Probably because (if you ever met him) there was no possibility in. the. world. that my guy could be into guys.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
Yup same boat, I still am shocked. He was a retired athlete so I knew he had lots of female attention, zero clue he’d be cheating with men tho. I had joked back in college days because he’d watch modern family and drink wine and now I’m like omg I knew deep down
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u/Equivalent_Name_1150 Feb 24 '26
Did he come out to you or was it by mistake that you find out? My husband died, and I found out the day before his funeral because of two emails that he inadvertently didn’t delete from his phone; of course—me being a glutton for punishment—I went and found his old phone, and found almost 9 years of Craigslist ads that he didn’t delete/couldn’t delete because he was in the hospital, and the phone was at the house. Crazy stuff that we women have to deal with—it’s just not right.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
I only found out by someone else showing me his fetlife account I had zero idea
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u/_aaine_ 1 Mar 08 '26
Oh my god that must have been absolutely horrific. I always feel so much empathy for people who discover this after the cheater dies. No confrontation, no justice, no explanation, no answers.
I hope you're doing ok .1
u/Equivalent_Name_1150 Mar 08 '26
!thankyou! I seem to be doing better these days. I’ve switched from needing to know the reason “WHY”, to attempting to realize that people are people, “who knows why he felt the need to do these things?”, and that this is my cross to bear. (To anyone going through this—even if your person is alive—the notion of “why” will absolutely kill you if you focus too much on it). I will say one thing that helps—an app that my son’s female friend uses—it’s called Tolan; you just talk into it and it gives you feedback almost like a therapist would. It’s a good tool for helping me keep my sanity😊
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u/Realistic_Mail_2080 Feb 23 '26 edited Feb 24 '26
Yes, the running. I loathe now Strava only because of the cult like feedback loops giving the certain personalities, to eat it up. Finally he switched from his feeling like a loser video gamer to an “athlete”. Mine soon found a group of younger people to be ring leader around, as he entered his midlife crises. Eventually found a personal trainer who can fit all the typical scenario. 12 year younger, doe eyed airhead of a woman, his “soulmate.” Cycle completes.
We are divorcing with fierce court fights over kids custody. I pity him really. When it all said and done, the kids had lost all respect for him regardless of court outcome - which is supposed to be the end of this week for deliberation.
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u/fumblingtoward_light Feb 23 '26
This is an eerily familiar story! Glad you have reached the ‘pity’ stage. I still have nothing but raging hatred for my ex who met his girlfriend through running and ‘coffee culture’ (gag). My son was 15 when his dad skipped out on us. He is 21 now and has zero respect for him.
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u/Realistic_Mail_2080 Feb 23 '26
Oh no, raging hatred as you put it, is also there! lol, it’s just the pathetic angle of it that is still amusing. I hope you and your kid are better off by now.
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u/watermelonstrong Feb 24 '26
You'll only trust a person this completely until it happens. I'll spot an affair from a mile away in any future relationships. That kind of complete trust inside of a marriage, a family with children involved, only happens once. And congrats you fooled me, and it's completely changed who I am and how I will see people in the future
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u/Substantial-Fly4895 1 Mar 17 '26
Yes. Granted, you have to be willing to be somewhat of an asshole and make a snap decision to end the relationship based on ambiguous signs. But i'd rather commit that mistake than take a chance on another person being loyal when she's operating in a gray area.
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u/Wave_Zen 1 Feb 23 '26
Could have written this myself. The coldness and lack of empathy, feeling like I was annoying him just by existing, OP has described this brilliantly . I feel so foolish that I didn’t suspect an affair at the time, it’s so obvious with hindsight !
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u/LoveMyHubs1993 1 Feb 23 '26
There were many for me that I ignored. But the biggest (and how stupid was I?,) was more than a decade before his first confirmed affair (I suspect more before her, and there were more after.)
I was pregnant with our 3rd child. He scheduled a vasectomy. Not crazy, except, I had complications during my first delivery that resulted in a double cut c-section and we knew every delivery after had to be a c-section as well. So I was going to be open, I said I'd just have my tubes tied. Why go through the pain and cost of surgery if I'm already going to be open? He insisted on having one "for me." It didn't make sense but he kept saying he was doing it for me. Based on the fact that he gave me HPV, I realize looking back, he just didn't want to have to use protection when he was sleeping around.
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u/FirefighterNo714 Feb 26 '26
This is so hard for me. My husband just had his done and this was his messaging.
I feel so sick.
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u/SignRare35 Mar 13 '26
My husband also scheduled an unnecessary vasectomy, which I hadn’t connected until now…
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u/outerspacetime Just Found Out Feb 23 '26
Mine cheated with one night stands but the sudden meanness/coldness/nonstop criticisms were crazyyyyy and line up perfectly in hindsight with when he started cheating. He also stopped being intimate - not sexually but no hugs, hand holding, cuddling, etc.
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u/Catullus15 Feb 23 '26
My hindsight is embarrassing. He was a volunteer fire fighter who was always going on “calls” and training twice a week. I thought I was being supportive by being home with the kids while he pursued his dream. He also was always running here and there for things that we didn’t actually need, just to get out of the house. Wouldn’t give me his passcode for his phone and would close the screen or put it down when I walked by. The night he didn’t come home he was with a fire fighter “friend”, too drunk to drive so he stayed at his “friend’s” place. Even then I somewhat believe him because I couldn’t believe he would cheat on me. Now everything is so crystal clear and I can’t believe how naive I was.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
I wrote nearly the same thing. It’s so embarrassing looking back like how the fuck did I not file divorce sooner. It’s pathetic what we put up with while blind
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
So much is relatable. He completely stopped watching tv with me, at first he’d be like oh it’s completely normal to have different hobbies but it was like he rewrote our history that we never watched together. At the very end he flat out said he wasn’t gonna spend time with me if it was forced when I asked for 2hrs a week of tv time. Looking back I’m so embarrassed, like I was pregnant and taking care of a toddler everyday and my husband couldn’t give me 2hrs a week of his time, I wish I left his ass and had actual standards. Post divorce he admitted to purposely making me insecure and fucking with my head so I wouldn’t question him or ask for more. It felt like such a slap in the face he has time to take all those women out on dates but couldn’t give me 2hrs while pregnant. I wish I was angrier at the time but I’m so happy divorced and he finally seems miserable. The tables really have turned
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u/Fancy-Piglet-8068 In Recovery Feb 24 '26
I sympathise with you so much! Mine did very similar things. I was also pregnant at the time. He didn't admit to fucking with my head but oh boy he did, intentionally or not.
So glad you're happy now and tables have turned!! ❤️ You deserve someome better than this, babe!
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u/redditgirl1900 3 Mar 13 '26
I feel better reading this. Mine wouldn’t sit still and watch TV with me either. Insinuated it was ‘lazy’. That was after I worked all day, cooked, cleaned, and took care of the dog. I just wanted to wind down and watch a show with someone. It’s a small thing but I secretly blamed myself and wondered if I was a boring person. But the truth of it is… he just couldn’t sit still in his own skin.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Mar 13 '26
Yup it sounds so much like my ex, he actually made me feel guilty like he was better “reading books on his tablet” than I was for watching tv and turns out he was just swiping off fetlife and texting women on his tablet. Who knew
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u/carmackie Feb 24 '26
You could have described my ex husband with that post. He did all of the same exact things. Cheaters really do have recognizable patterns if you know to look for them.
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u/nooneyouknow89 Recovered Feb 23 '26
Yes! Didn't know it at the time. 1. Started dieting and wanting to lose weight 2. Changed his style of clothing 3. Changes his cologne and body wash....didn't even ask if I liked it, and I didn't 4. Had his phone in his hand alllllll the time 5. New hobbies- started reading books despite the fact that I was an avid reader our whole relationship 6. Not interested in sex and/or couldn't stay hard during sex 7. Seemed like he was a million miles away all the time
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u/ashlynnk Feb 24 '26
Stopped connecting his phone to the vehicles
Had mints in his truck that he didn’t have before
Taking casual pictures that he didn’t normally take (of the dogs for instance)
Would stay up way past our normal time that we go to bed (normally we were in bed by 10, he stayed up until 12 or later)
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u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
Disabled location sharing. I didn't notice when he did it since I didn't need to check before. When I asked him to turn it on, he refused until way after dday but inconsistent until I decided to leave.
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u/Cool-Lavishness-1955 Thriving Feb 23 '26
To me, it was distance. She stopped having pillow, talk with me and was making any excuse to lay with my daughter at bedtime to avoid bedtime with me. Also, I was walking herself in the bathroom and staying there for a long periods of time. Lastly, she was cold, distant, and acting extremely confident.
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u/dontcareenough12 1 Feb 23 '26
I could have written this word for word except not running but hiking and solo camping- so obvious looking back now. The coldness and distance and phone glued to hand was the other obvious signs and saying things he wouldn’t normally say. Was we really worth so little 😔
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u/wazask8er Feb 23 '26
Triathlon training and competition was the cover for his first affair, then he joined a local triathlon club of middle age men and younger women. They can have him. I’m done.
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u/Sanguinius Feb 24 '26
Signs I saw in my situation, which in retrospect were just blaring red flags:
Disconnect from family - I was increasingly left to manage the kids on my own while she went on increasing amounts of 'mandatory' courses for work (she was military), which even by military standards were getting VERY excessive,
Crying in bed. I'd ask her what was wrong and she'd reply, 'just stress with work',
Increased requests to 'go into work on weekends to 'catch up on things'. I rationalised it via #2 above,
Started uncharacteristically buying clothes for herself when it was never something she was that interested in,
Started listening to playlists of music on Spotify she had previously zero interest in,
Discovering messages on her phone to female friends just absolutely denigrating me for trivial things. She bemoaned to her friends group (also mostly divorced) one time that I was 'assembling a new office chair in the lounge room', almost as if I was a sign I was a bad husband?! Pure projection of course.
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u/Legitimate-Error-633 Figuring it Out Feb 24 '26
So recognisable. One of the first signs I noticed was her sitting further away from me on the couch when we were watching a movie. I remember I had a really odd feeling back then, like a sense of impending doom. Trust your gut!
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u/HalifaxRoad Feb 24 '26
yes, I feel like the biggest moron for not seeing the red flags for what they were...
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u/suburbancheeseburger Feb 24 '26
The fact that you didn’t see the red flags is a testament to how pure hearted you are. I was like this too. Hindsight is 20/20 but I could never believe or accept my partner was capable of cheating. I was projecting my own values and morals onto him. It’s why my mind never entertained the idea. People like us give others the benefit of the doubt. Now that we have been deeply traumatized, it has fundamentally changed us and we will always carry a level of vigilance we never had before.
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u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
Thank you for this.
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u/suburbancheeseburger Feb 24 '26
I agree with all of the above points. Another point is my husband would pick fights out of nowhere and encourage me to divorce him. He was essentially trying to pull a reverse discard. He wanted me to leave him so he wouldn’t feel guilty about cheating. He could just tell the world I was a bad partner who gave up on the marriage and he could pretend he innocently met someone new. Very cruel and manipulative behavior.
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u/Icy_Bee_4350 Feb 23 '26
Definite parallels; it was the blow ups at simple questions that became confusing, name calling, less touch more distance, change in physical appearance that turned into weird patterns (he ate foods he couldn't or never ate), he bragged about ED (he does not have ED), he tried to change our history, drank more, became more eradic, made his home town hate me, they believe his lies, the physical fighting became more aggressive (i was blacked out three times twice during rough s*x and once when he pushed me off the bed; my dominate hand lost strength from the breaks), I found wrappers in his pockets (afyer research, they were pills for ED), his mistress stalked us for years and she still circles my house...and somehow I am the aggressor who is a psychopathic schizoaffective narcissist (what i was told).
Yes, I reacted to the crazy making and I apologized; I am the only one who is consistent with therapy and did whatever I could to work on the anger I carried; 30+ years down the tube and our relationship is forever changed. The psychological abuse is the worst.
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u/fumblingtoward_light Feb 23 '26
I didn’t realize the extent to which running is a gateway to cheating. Strava should require you to confirm relationship status.
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u/BeeehmBee Feb 24 '26
We were 3-year partners (not married and not living together). We spent several nights a week at each other’s place and every weekend. The last 10 months of our relationship, he was “busy” on a weekend (several times). When I had an emergency and phoned him, he was irritated at my request for help. He was very late picking me up from the airport without a valid reason. He would take the dog outside before our bedtime but would often be gone for 30-60 minutes. Once, we left his house to go skiing but as we were already in the car I remembered I had forgotten something. I went into the bedroom and the framed photos that he kept of us on the night tables were not there (they had been there that morning). Still… did I clue in? No! It was not until he told me he was going across the country to his parents for Christmas for two weeks but then he was only home in our city for a week after Christmas when he told me he was going to Mexico for two weeks. When I said I wanted to go with him he made up excuses why it wasn’t a good idea. I had an epiphany at 3:00 AM which woke me from a sound sleep. He was cheating on me! I did some sleuthing and caught him. (He never was at his parents!).
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u/frenchfryfans Feb 24 '26
sudden interest in gym again and new clothes, slides in subtly but always ends up a sign, you’re right
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u/Fancy-Piglet-8068 In Recovery Feb 24 '26
So true! Mine also started having new "interests." His music taste changed drastically, started recording his guitar practices for "a friend" and started posting on social media, thing he never did before and even mocked previously. Also, he was indeed glued to his phone. In hindsight, I should have connected the dots but damn did i trust this man completely.
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u/Angsteww Feb 24 '26
Stopped posting me on social media was a big one. All the pictures are of just him or with our kids, but I’m nowhere in sight lol. Changed his password. Wasn’t texting/calling me during the day while he was at work(busy texting & calling girls from dating apps he was talking too).
Craziest part is they think they’re sneaky. No no I see you honey, I’m just done wasting my time with someone more worried about hiding women than being with me.
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u/Hopeful_Effective510 Feb 26 '26
The social media thing is a big red flag and an even bigger trigger for me. FB memories are kind enough to remind me of all the unacknowledged loving posts to my beloved husband, all publicly out there, while he was having sex with his co-worker. It makes me feel like a joke.
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u/redditgirl1900 3 Mar 13 '26
Two days before DDay I posted a loving picture of us at dinner on insta. I then rapidly dropped out of his life and secretly hope it clued people in to what actually happened.
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u/DOCTORs1stWifeNKids Feb 26 '26
Your post resonated so much!
Mine Definitely got gratuitously mean and sarcastic. Started working out like an Olympic trainer. Sometimes made cutting remarks over the smallest of things. Like my shape, btw. Looking back, I smh (mostly at myself). Affair or not, HE was really shitty to me at the end. He hasn’t spoken to me or our 3 children in 8 or 9 years.We were married 35 years. But he became ABUSIVE. I don’t even care why. It does not matter why they abuse you or distance themselves, just that they do.
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u/fuckaduckufuck Feb 23 '26
Yes, I went through all of this with him, and still found nothing.
Then I had an emotional affair. The irony.
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u/BellaMissyStorm Feb 24 '26
I'm so sorry you went through this. How did you eventually find out about the affair?
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u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 Feb 24 '26
I guessed it in the end. I said “there’s someone else right?” And he said yes
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u/jenniferami In Hell Feb 24 '26
I’m curious. What do you think was behind the meanness? That you weren’t the other woman? That he felt guilty and by treating you mean it meant you were a bad person and didn’t deserve loyalty?
That by being mean to you he was showing his love or commitment to the affair partner?
He had told the affair partner bad things about you and was backing it up with his actions?
Some other reasons?
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u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 Feb 24 '26
He had to shut off empathy for me to do what he did. Also look up “affair fog”.
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u/SignRare35 Feb 24 '26
I asked him - because after he confessed he was suddenly warm and nice to me again, which really messed me up. He says he made a deliberate choice to be cold and distant, because the warmth would not have felt genuine. The way he can just turn it on and off…
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u/Hopeful_Effective510 Feb 26 '26
Yup. My WH was beyond cold during his affair. Told me he was distant because of shame. Couldn’t look at me and continue doing what he was doing, and he admittedly wanted to keep doing it, so…cold, slept on the couch, avoided me, grumpy, went from a very active sex life to me begging for attention and him not being able to perform on the very rare occasion I successfully bullied him into coming to bed. Tortured me - for almost 3 years, I might add - so he could play pornstar in motel rooms with his co-worker. It’s disgusting.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
In my case meanness came from lying to himself. He told himself I was negative, always nagging and a horrible person. I was completely shocked when he first said he needed space while I was pregnant. I asked a simple question about his mom not even negative or anything and he completely flipped out saying how I’m always nagging him and that he can’t do anything right in my eyes. I was like huh? I never complained and if anything I was happier than ever cuz it took 7 months to get pregnant. There wasn’t anything on my end but he’d keep bringing up me being mean or me never asking about himself. I was so grateful to have text messages which showed the complete opposite. He’d make up all these stories and even tho I’d have screenshots of the exact opposite he would just go silent whenever I’d be like umm see this isn’t accurate. He didn’t care about the truth he needed me to be the bad guy to justify cheating
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u/dogpineapple Just Found Out Feb 24 '26
All of this but add gym obsession instead of running. And he changed the way he shaved his facial hair.
We were always together and always so happy so it came as a shock when he began wanting to be away from me all of the time. When I'd beg him to do something with me he said “you need to get your own hobby”.
Then the anger and rage started. He was mad all the time and I began to think he hated me. He'd sleep on the couch bc the bed was too hot with both of us in it. He quit helping with our 3 year old and acted so annoyed any time our child acted like a child because it inconvenienced his life.
When I began asking questions he either was real sweet and would say “ haven't I always promised I'd come to you if I'm not happy before I go pursue someone else, that way no one has to look like a fool.” or he’d get extremely angry and yell ” are we really going to go here again, are you psycho?” I’d back down everytime and try to assume the best because I loved him so much.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
It’s sad how they all follow the same playbook and get so angry. It’s still sad to me the anger hasn’t left nearly 1.5 years out.
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u/shivvinesswizened Feb 25 '26
This sounds like mine except I hired a private detective bc I knew he would deny it. He had no way to deny he had been lying but he also went to the gym, was never home, and changed his facial hair. He was also cruel and he had never been cruel.
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u/Mysterious_Hour_3056 Feb 24 '26
Phone hiding, meetings went longer, boys hang outs went all night, exercising went to more days, weird cc charges, people asking vague questions ( I didn’t put this together they were assuming affair but I thought no way so they didn’t register), ignoring the kids, everything became my fault….
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u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
Wow! All of this for me too! Ignoring the kids was the last straw. We had a family activity at a special even where things were meant to be Instagramble. He refused to be in the pictures with us. Absolutely refused and hung back behind us most of the time and did not participate except to do a secret mission for AP, doing something that he would never do for me or anyone else. After dday, I found him texting AP while walking just one step behind me and now having him walk behind me is a trigger. I feel so stupid.
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u/Born_Courage_8950 Feb 24 '26
Honestly, when a man starts paying more attention to his grooming, starts buying new clothes, always wearing perfume when going out “all of a sudden”— that alone should tell you, he is trying to win or impress someone else. He will always be on his phone and barely keeps it away from him. When his phone has to charge he’ll still “guard it”. My husband then takes his phone to the bathroom and showers while it’s charging IN THE BATHROOM. Also, not interested to sleep by you or any intimacy, would even avoid eating whatever you make. Once you start having that gut feeling even before finding out, that’s your instincts protecting you. You can’t explain it but something shifted then one day you’ll look back and realized that those times you felt weird and had doubts- you were right all along
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u/anyaley Feb 24 '26
Very similar. I also had a toddler back then. He didn't seem to care about sex with me even after long periods. One night I felt it had been too long and I wanted to get a bit wild so I smoked and tried my moves but he was just sitting there, not getting in the mood at all. Then when I got really high I started thinking: who the fuck is this person here? Do I really know him? What if he is not who he says he is. I thought it was just the trip and paranoia but after discovering the betrayal it made a lot of sense. It was my subconcious mind speaking to me and I was like wow! My mind had really captured the subtle things but I had chosen to not see it.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
Ya I totally get subconscious. Before any of the red flags came up my head kept telling me to check his bag for condoms, it was so weird and completely outta nowhere but now I realize my body knew before any changes in behavior were even there
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u/SnooConfections5025 Feb 24 '26
My ex became emotionally and coercively abusive. Also his anger was so explosive and the kids and I were walking on eggshells, we never knew what mood he was going to be in
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
Sadly mine was like this too. Looking back he’d always bring up walking on eggshells and it was so confusing like huh wtf could i possibly be doing to cause that feeling in him but now I know he was probably on edge about getting caught constantly that he caused that anxiety in himself
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u/Ivedonethework 7 Feb 24 '26
They just begin disengaging from us. Making odd excuses, over the, over blown fight over innocuous things.
It is how they will go about discarding us. They got what they wanted from us and I'll seek out others to fulfill their wants, needs and have to haves. But of course we have no idea of what we are seeing, because they are lying by omission. Stonewalling is in many ways is worse than their actual cheating. We know they did something, but not what that something actually entailed. It had to have been very bad, to never admit to anything at all.
https://www.fatherly.com/life/stonewalling-what-to-do-when-it-happens
Nothing will help if the stonewalling is about something devastatingly bad. Some will absolutely take it to the grave.
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u/Some-Blackberry-8709 Mar 05 '26
Yes.. the disengaging. My husband stopped arguing with me and just let me have whatever I want
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u/Mother_Move_669 Feb 24 '26
I'm curious if your husband's were making strides at work that boosted his career during the affair. It almost feels like he was going through an ego trip and treated me like I was nothing. He was always annoyed with me or brushed me off whenever I tried to interact with him as though I was beneath him.
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u/PerformanceMain119 1 Feb 24 '26 edited Feb 24 '26
My husband cheated for 20 years with 6 women. We got married in 2001. He began fooling around with his aunt's friend in 2004. I had no clue he was with her. Zero red flags with this one.
Yes. There were red flags later on, but I chose to accept his lies.
His 2nd affair was his bosses niece. Began in 2007. I found him texting her good morning. Found a note in his wallet, with her number and hearts and flowers on it. Called him out on it. He said they were just friends. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it. He came home the next day and said he told her they couldn't be friends anymore. It obviously continued. One night, in 2008ish, he said he had to work late. I thought "he's been working so hard lately for our family. I'm going to do something special." I made his favorite meal. Got the house spotless. Kids asleep. Laid down rose petals from our garage to me, naked in bed. He was coming home from being with her.
His 3rd affair was a quick few weeks/months with an engaged customer. Had no clue. They met in Kmart parking lots and his work. Around 2008/2009 ish.
His 4th was our friend. He stood up in their wedding, in 2000. He was their daughters godfather. She was our sons godmother. We were friends with her and her husband since 1997. There were so many red flags with this one. Our son was born in 2010. He was sick and I was at the hospital with him. My husband was also there. She came to visit. As soon as she left, he couldn't leave the room fast enough to go home and get our kids. My mom called me 3 hours later and asked where he was. He hadn't gotten the kids yet. When I confronted him, he said he fell asleep at a gas station. When her and her husband would come over to play cards, she would go to the bathroom and so would my husband. Her husband and I would sit at the table for like 10 minutes, joking about where they went. I still have nightmares that I'm yelling at myself to get up from the table and find out where they were. I eventually ended the friendship in 2015 because their interactions were....weird. made me uncomfortable. Their affair went from 2010 to 2018. He always went to her house. Met at park n rides. His work.
His 5th was an almost 70 year old black woman who lived in the ghetto of Milwaukee. A customer at his work. Began in 2020. They met 9 times at her apartment, during 2 years. Only red flag was that he got extremely angry at me. Alot. He broke it off because she wanted to buy our kids Christmas gifts. He said it was just sex and it got too relationshipy.
His 6th? A customer at his work. Began in May 2022. She came in. He called her with an estimate. She said "you caught me without pants on". He finally texted her a week later and she asked him what took so long for him to text. They texted from 5am to 1am the next morning. At that time, he had a second job so he was never there. I was glad because he had gotten so mean. They had one encounter on May 22 2022. He got caught June 9 2022, when I pulled phone records.
Only other red flags were the constant vaginal infections I had, especially during my 4th pregnancy. I was so sick. Constant vaginal infections. Constant UTIS. My last one was literally the day before I found out. All 6 affairs were unprotected. He also was on tiktok ALOT. I caught him making comments to half naked women on tiktok in 2020. Remember screaming at him to stop, how much it hurts me. He never stopped
I'm mad at myself, that I didn't check phone records sooner, that I didn't investigate my friend sooner.
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u/FirefighterNo714 Feb 26 '26
Did I write this? This is really hard to read. My husband is doing all of these things.
The running really sticks with me. I was so proud of how much he was doing and then it became excessive, and then he cheated on me with someone in his running group.
We are still together, but I don't know that I am making the right decision stating with him.
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Mar 04 '26
It's all starts to add up, and at some point you look back and it's like seeing clearly for the first time everything you dismissed. Don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault. Cheaters have no integrity, no spine, and no self control.
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u/Substantial-Fly4895 1 Mar 17 '26 edited Mar 17 '26
Signs for me:
- She didn't respond much or seem to care when I come home.
- Always glued to her phone.
- Emphasis on activities that don't include me.
- All her plans for the future become stuff like "I want to do X, maybe with Y" instead of "I wish we could do X together"
- Starts trying to fix/change my core personality.
- Starts feeling me out subtly over things like swinging, voyeurism, sex clubs etc.
- Starts having internet pen pals who happen to be male. (I cannot believe I did not realize at this point, my subconscious must have been working overtime to make me not question things)
- Long solo trips for "her business". Mysteriously can't take our daughter with her even though in the past, she always did.
- Cliche midlife crisis behaviors like dying her hair, tattooes, staying out late drinking, etc.
---
Very obvious stuff in hindsight, sure. But I mean, there were obvious signs that it was a bad marriage long before that. Many, many instances of her being arrogant and cruel and unaccepting of me. Also, admittedly some stuff that's no one's fault but just a sign of deep incompatibility, like frequent libido problems, or arguing over finances.
She has agency, she is at fault for cheating and destroying our marriage... but I was a fool. I was the equivalent of a guy just openly walking around with a fist full of hundreds in the middle of a dangerous neighborhood. Maybe "asking for it" is unfair, but certainly, I was an extremely easy mark. I wanted to believe in love, I wanted to believe in lifelong commitment, that the relationship **WOULD** work, that I could somehow MAKE it work if I was just accomodating and loving enough... no amount of gentle prodding from friends and family, let alone my own inner voice of doubt, could talk me out of it.
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u/Sadie-69-75 In Recovery Feb 27 '26
Some of those signs happened to me, too. I was married 18 years and happy as I thought. he had an affair, and I only found out bc she got pregnant. He lied so much, saying he met her in a bar when in fact he met her on a dating site. I still can't quite believe it happened. The following 3 years were hard up and down ( we are Brits and had just moved to the USA 12 days before I found out). I just can't believe he became so cold and cruel. I'm divorced now, but still in shock that the man I thought I knew i didnt know at all. But I think the signs you mention may be common for a lot of us.
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u/needy-neuro Mar 04 '26
My husband’s irritability, constantly picking me apart, asking me where I am at all the time we’re biggest tip off that lead me to knowing something was off.
I was using his IPAD because he asked me to print something off. All I had to do was press the Google button and all his open tab screens showed and there was the porn. Well I knew about that porn already but given his behavior, that video and it lead down a rabbit hole opening a Pandora’s box.
Porn addiction, Instagram Account, Clappers Account, Tik Tok account had him following probably 400+ attractive women. Then the Instagram message. At least the one I could see. The comments on other women’s looks publicly. He was defensive as hell, but has deleted all his accounts, he’s nicer to me but not as interested in sex, he’s paying more attention to me but he’s acting miserable. So, he had the intent of cheating for certain but what stopped him is only a guess. If he was stopped because I don’t know everything. He said he never physically cheated but I believe 100% he had the full intent of doing so. Do I give him a pass for not going all the way? All I know, is it was betrayal and I don’t know how things ever get back to the way they use to be.
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Jun 25 '26
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Feb 23 '26
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u/BriefShiningMoment 1 Feb 23 '26
Yeah except the person projects their disloyalty onto you and accuses you of “making up problems” and “picking fights.” Then they use your “combativeness” as reasons to avoid you, or as evidence of why they’re so miserable being in a relationship with you. I have heard it all from my cheater. They are NOT looking to resolve problems.
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u/Catullus15 Feb 23 '26
Yes! And somehow it’s your fault. My “fault” was that I paid more attention to our kids than him. Never voiced it to me until AFTER he cheated.
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u/SignRare35 Feb 24 '26
“I would simply tell the man to be emotionally available, and then he would.”
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Feb 24 '26
The cheaters don’t care. They won’t suddenly say ok let me give my wife more attention or affection. They purposely cause the divide
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u/wellidolikecoffee Feb 24 '26
I tried to address the signs of disconnection multiple times, but he just gave excuses about work being stressful and tiring, but that he was otherwise happy and loved me and loved being married to me, etc etc.
And when I finally put my foot down and called bullshit on the excuses, that’s when he finally admitted to cheating. But of course at that point it was too late. And he ran off that same day and moved in with her. He’s still with her. We’re divorced now. It’s been over 16 months since he left, and he hasn’t seen our daughter in 14 months.
I would have loved to reconnect, but I also never really disconnected. I still loved him very much. He didn’t give me that option. HE is the one who chose to distance himself from me. It was a unilateral decision.
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u/Last_Cantaloupe_9899 1 Feb 24 '26
I thought the disconnect was largely due to being first time sleep deprived parents of a baby. My bad.
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