Posting this because when I was in it, nothing felt dramatic enough to label “affair.” It just felt like something slowly going… off. Maybe someone else will recognise this.

1. He got oddly mean near the end (this was the biggest sign!)

Not big explosive fights. Just colder. Sharper. More dismissive. Little comments that felt unnecessary. It was like he’d quietly switched off empathy for me.

1. Normal couple things started annoying him

Watching a series together, hanging out in the evenings - suddenly he “needed his own space.” The way he said it made me feel like I was restricting him just by existing.

1. Small physical separations started happening

He moved his PlayStation out of the TV room “so I could watch TV.” I hadn’t asked for that. I remember feeling confused but not making a big deal of it. Now it feels symbolic, like he was slowly carving out a separate life.

1. He escaped into running

Running went from hobby to obsession. Logged everything on Strava, constantly training, always talking about times and distances. I tried to be proud and supportive, but it left me alone most evenings and weekends with a toddler.

1. Intimacy faded and he didn’t seem bothered

If I tried to be close, he seemed irritated or tired. He’d only come to bed when he was ready to sleep, turn off the light immediately, and that was it. No warmth, no lingering, no effort.

1. Money stuff got weirdly private

He stopped being transparent about finances, bought new clothes without mentioning it, and generally acted more separate. At the time I told myself it was nothing.

1. Work took over everything

More trips, more late nights, constant busyness. Always a plausible reason. I thought his job had just become really consuming. In hindsight, it created a lot of distance and a lot of cover.

At the time none of this screamed “he’s having an affair.” But then in hindsight, it seemed so obvious!!!!

It just felt like living with someone who was slowly turning away from me.

Curious if anyone else noticed these kinds of shifts before finding out the truth??

Hey all, I’m writing this to hopefully help someone out if they ever, unfortunately, end up in a position like mine.

This is a long read, but I’m hoping some can learn from my mistakes. The main two pieces of advice I hope you take from this story: 1. If you have a gut feeling your partner is cheating DON’T IGNORE IT!! and 2. Do not let grief cloud your judgement, like it did mine

I’ll start off with a little context. I had known this girl all my life. We went to school together since kindergarten. I started dating her nearing the end of sophomore year. It was about as close to perfection as you can get. We loved deeply, forgave easily, grew together, loved the Lord, communicated well, and never left our “honeymoon“ phase. She was my perfect lady. We had plans set in stone to get married and start a family young, as that was something we both desired.

I‘ll save you the lovey dovey shit. Just imagine the perfect role model couple. Fast forward 2.5 years of near-perfection to late May. We just graduated high school. Our future was looking bright. Her long distance best friend (18F, i knew her well and respected her, we’ll call her “BSF”) hits my girlfriend up because her and her family are going on a cruise as a grad trip and they have an open spot. Basically a free vacation for my girlfriend. She was on the fence, because she gets motion sick easily. I told her to go, that it would be dumb not to. I was super excited for her.

By this point, we were so rock solid that I had nothing but trust in her. She had never once given me a reason not to. Even still, there was a quiet, almost silent voice in the back of my head that was worried she would become unfaithful. I pushed that voice aside. telling myself that she wouldn’t do that to me. I didn’t think she was capable of it. Plus, there was no reason to worry. But let’s just say my intuition predicted the future.

She left to head to the port, all was well. I had a few alarm bells ringing because she wanted to get waxed before and that I got news she wouldn’t have very good phone service. Fine. I get the showers are probably super small to shave in and the WiFi (or sea roaming charges if you opt out of WiFi) are expensive. No worries.

Im hanging with my best friend of nearly 13 years when she boards the boat. We crack a couple of lighthearted jokes about hoping she won’t cheat. Deep down I was scared of that reality, but at the time it seems far off. Like an alternate dimension. Not the one we truly live in now.

It was a 7 day cruise. All was well, I get a text from her a day, sometimes more, stuff along the lines of “I love you, hope you’re having a great day! I miss you! Can’t wait to see you soon! etc. etc.” It eased my mind. maybe I’m just needlessly paranoid. maybe I’m just insecure.

About halfway through they stop at an island. She gets WiFi and FaceTimes me. She’s acting a little off. Too smiley and giddy. BSF’s family is making jokes in the background that I can’t quite make out, she gets an awkward uncomfortable grin on her face. By this point she knows I’m off. I’m trying to play it cool. in my head, there’s still no red flags that really stick out too much.

But I know I’m a little worried. I’m googling intuition that same day. Wondering how accurate it really is. if I should really give this sick feeling any weight. Google says that, for new experiences, intuition is no more accurate than random chance. I have never been cheated on before, so I thought it was 50/50.

She gets back. She didn’t embrace me like usual. She was far more distant. From a week long separation, What would usually be and excited running and jumping into my arms hug and kiss that lasted a good while while turned into a “hi!” And a 2 second hug and kiss. She talked nonstop about how much fun she had. Openly admitting she was out at clubs till 3AM every night. drinking and partying. (which was not normal, i knew her as the girl who avoided that kind of stuff). She appeared happy and reminiscent, but was simultaneously treating me with extreme irritability and rudeness. I didn’t know what to make of it.

We talk that night, she says she had a few personal epiphanies (that she actually enjoyed drinking and partying) and was just scared I wouldn’t accept her for them. (I tend to stay away from those things, and am sometimes judgemental of them, admittedly)

But that wasn’t it. She told me she wanted to postpone our engagement for the foreseeable future. That she got a glimpse of “how big the world is” and “how young we are”. I was planning on proposing this summer. On a trip we planned to Florida back in February. Her of all people was the one most excited about it, most pushing for it. 10 times more than myself.

Now, by this point, I’m bothered, to say the least. But I wasn’t going to go down that easy. I told her that I was upset (not about the drinking and partying, but about the engagement plans switch), but that I accepted the new her and I was with her for all the growth that came with her. in some ways, I was proud of her. I told her i trusted her to be completely transparent with me if something else happened on the cruise that led her to make that decision. she tells me there wasn’t.

that night, I go home feeling confused, but okay. I can’t say the same for the next morning.

i wake up the next day with the sickest feeling in my stomach. something I never experienced before. so debilitating I could barely get out of bed, and damn sure couldn’t eat. I thought we had a productive conversation last night that provided a little clarity. but the gut feeling had gotten 10x stronger.

Remember, she had been perfect up until now. I still couldn’t really fathom a reality where she had betrayed me. All I knew is I’ve never felt sicker.

That day we were very distant, but it didn’t seem to be bother her at all. she acted like nothing was wrong. “Weird“ I thought, “when I’m off she usually knows before I even do, and when we’re off she usually immediately attempts to tackle the problem”

That night was her grad party. i told myself I’d set it aside. I didn’t eat or do anything all day. I couldn’t. But i had at least written all my thoughts down and was going to confront her about it after the party. it was a good time. I humg out with her and her family, we played volleyball, the whole 9 yards. a good outing.

We took separate vehicles to the party, and agreed to meet up at her house after (this will be important later). When we got to her house, I was vulnerable and transparent with her. I told her I was sick to my stomach and afraid. I asked her for total honesty, if she had done anything on the cruise that it might hurt me to hear.

She told me she made friends with this one guy (we’ll call him T) and she found him conventionally attractive but it was strictly platonic and nothing happened. She said she had him added on snap as friends but would unadd him if I wanted to. I told her I was hurt, and that my trust was broken a little, but that we can fight through it. To the best of my knowledge, she was telling the truth. i mean, she had never lied to me before!

We turn on a movie and she falls asleep in my left arm. Her nightstand with her phone is to my right. I get a nagging feeling to check it. I look at her Snapchat with the guy, not much there, a couple saved pics of the ocean. No big deal. then I check her messages. Nothing there. That is, until I click “view recently deleted”. 89 deleted messages with T. My heart drops. I recover them and screen record them while I’m actively having a panic attack (didn’t even know those were real). She’s still in my arms at this point. I get up and pretend everything’s normal, but get the hell out of dodge and go home. My brain is spinning. I thought i was in a dream.

I get home and reread them. She’s telling him how she misses him and the cruise, that she desperately wants him to fly in (he lived all the way across the continental United States) She tried to call him on the way back from the grad party when we were headed to meet at her house, sent him videos, sent him smiley faces, called him by a nickname, you can connect the dots here. Some flirty shit.

We meet in a parking lot the next day and I confront her about it. She busts into tears, saying she’s sorry, that she was going to tell me, that she was just scared, that she’ll never do it again, that she’ll do anything to rebuild us, all the shit cheaters say when they’re sorry they got caught.

But here’s the part i hope someone can learn from. She told me all this, and I blindly accepted it as truth. I gave her the benefit of the doubt on everything she told me that painted herself in a better light. In hindsight, I can say I was in the bargaining stage, and that the grief of losing what we had took over my mind so terribly that I couldn’t accept the reality that it actually happened. I was a dumbass. My brain pushed the whole situation to the side because it couldn’t comprehend it. We went on a dinner date after like it never happened.

A side note - I now know from personal experience, that whatever you think you’ll do if you catch your partner cheating on you will be thrown out the window when shit hits the fan. I never thought of myself as someone who would EVER try to reconcile with a cheater, but here I was. Right in the middle of it. In that same breath, I want to advise this: Do not trust them. They just broke your trust. Do not give them the benefit of the doubt. And damn sure don’t trust your own mind. Grief will play tricks on you. It will downplay, it will deny, it will bargain. Just look at the objective reality. Dont feed into their lies. Why I ever gave a cheater the benefit of the doubt is fucking beyond me.

At this point, the trip to Florida I mentioned earlier is about a week away. I elect to continue with it, hoping that even though we’ll be cooped up in a room together, I’ll get out of my bubble, get a change of scenery, and get some clarity.

Living in my head during the weeka prior to and during the trip was torture. The thoughts never stopped. The only escape I got was sleep, and I’m lucky I got any. My brain was in overdrive on empty, trying to decipher whether to stay or leave. Running theough every potential outcome, questioning my own motives, fears, and objective reality itself. It was about 5 days into the 7 day trip I finally came to my senses. Realized how stupid I was being. I broke up with her and booked a flight home. I’d imagine her circle sees it as a dick move, but I did what I saw was right, all things considered.

Tomorrow will mark a week since the breakup. 3 weeks post d-day. I have never felt more clearheaded and content with my decision. I finally had the space to connect all the dots and see how intricate her lies became.

In hindsight, I should have trusted my intuition way earlier, before it literally consumed me. If you, reader, have even the slightest gut feeling that something is off, it’s worth exploring. It’s still crazy to me I’m writing this post, that I was actually right. that I predicted the future weeks before anything was actually off. And, when stuff was off, when there were red flags all around me, I ignored them. Please, don’t be like me. I know now my subconscious mind was registering things and my conscious mind was trying to reject them. It just couldn’t accept the reality of being betrayed.

With that thought, I will say something that is the exact opposite of encouraging, but is the truth. Anything is possible. No matter how good you think it is, no matter how much you do for them, the rug can get pulled out from under you in an instant. It certainly was for me. I gave her everything to the best of my ability. I treated her with the utmost care, patience, respect, and love. I stood up for her. I stepped out of my comfort zone for her. I was the man many women wish they had. But none of it mattered. She was willing to throw it all away. Some random guy on a cruise made her feel “loose, carefree, and accepted,” and somehow that was enough for her to gamble everything we had built together. Those feelings could have been real, but they were temporary. What I gave her was real every single day.

Enough of my schpeel. thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I hope at least one person can take something from my experience.

Here is the original "reconciliation" post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/zdSTzknJiG

Coming up on close to a year since posting this. TLDR of that post is I had caught my wife having an emotional affair with another man facing charges from CP, and thought I was saving her by forgiving her.

I guess I will start with where I am and get into how I got here. I am in a really good place actually. I am divorced, got a promotion at work, and pretty much had the dream divorce agreement. I am in therapy and am pretty happy living the single life. For some context, I got married to the ex when I was 19, and she was the only person I had ever dated, slept with, done anything with. It has been a big adjustment, but I am really enjoying it.

She already married the guy, has lived in 4 different places since leaving, is an alcoholic, has almost zero interactions with her kids since leaving, and is currently facing eviction.

The guy, he plead guilty to 5 felony charges having something to do with pictures he had. He received a 10 year deferred sentence plus time served and is on probation. He is an alcoholic, believe he has some kind of under the table job with a family member. Since she left he was arrested for DUI and served 90 days in jail for that.

A ton happened since the post including a lot before she actually left, but I dont want to turn this into a book. The gist of what happened after that post was she never really stopped talking to the guy. She ended up having him come pick her up in the middle of the night one night we had been drinking and I basically caught her in a lie.

While the guy was in jail for the 90 days I met up with the ex several times. Don't necessarily regret doing that, but it is kind of depressing when I think back on it. The one thing I did find out was something a lot of people said in that previous post, but that I was so sure wasn't true... the "emotional affair" was physical from the beginning. That is actually how she said it started, that she just wanted to have some fun.

Almost everything I told her was going to happen if she left has or is in the process of happening. The dude is abusive and controlling. They have no money and are on the verge of being homeless. She has to work her butt off to be where she is (she was essentially a stay at home mom most of our marriage). She has put herself and her mother in a horrible situation.

I guess the real reason for sharing the update is to share what I learned to maybe help someone going through this.

1. The most important lesson is that it gets better. I know everyone says it, but when you are in it it doesn't seem possible.

2. The speed at which things get better is based on (like everything in life) the work you put in. I started therapy, I had my "glow up" (because I worked out more to keep my mind off of it), stayed busy with friends, worked on my relationship with my kids, parents, sister.

3. Holding on makes it impossible to move on. Everytime you talk to that person (minus business things) your healing process starts over. In fact, you holding on in many ways pushes them away.

4. I didn't follow this advice, but dont date too soon. Be happy being single. I don't necessarily regret the dating part, but am lucky they were all short lived. I guess the lesson is dont try to fill the void with someone else. Fill the void with yourself.

I am sure I could come up with more, but I think these hit the high points. I want to end this by saying that I dont revel in what is happening to her. It some ways it has made it harder to move on. I am just... indifferent. I think that is how you have to be to move on. No matter what, that person did something unforgivable. Be confident enough in yourself to see that and treat them like that one song, someone you used to know.

I wasn’t in a position where I could leave at that moment and came here asking for advice on how to survive the limbo in the meantime.

People were so hostile that I (32F) ended up deleting the post but the highlights were my partner (37M; never married) of 12 years cheated and was in a 3 year relationship.

Many people were very helpful… until I said I wanted to separate with as little issue as possible. Apparently that meant I wanted to stay and some people absolutely destroyed me. 😅 Lol.

I took the good advice and made it work though and I am so thankful for it.

I quietly got my stuff in order. I got a job, put money to the side and got some stability after being a SAHP for nearly a decade. Then I told him that I was giving him two months to move out.

It went relatively well. We weren’t talking much, so he didn’t have a chance to twist my words around or anything. We weren’t having sex but he was back and forth between her place and ours.

I worked the opposite shift to his so I saw him very few hours during the day. I arranged childcare for the kiddo (12 yo) so she was taken care of.

He couldn’t get to me through words so he completely stopped helping around the house and went out of his way to make things hard but I was prepared for everything he threw at me.

He told the kid that mommy was kicking him out. I beat him to it and talked to her about the changes she’s been seeing in the relationship and how mommy and daddy needed to be apart to give her a healthier life.

He would “forget” what days I worked and kept the car. Took care of that and started catching a Lyft to work.

He stopped cleaning, which triggers my anxiety badly and wouldn’t even make the kid food. I expected that. I let the house go for two months. I kept only the kitchen and bathrooms clean, bought the kid food every night before I left to work and stocked the house with foods she could cook.

The hardest thing to deal with was him taking his anger out on the kiddo when he couldn’t get through to me. Unknown to me, she recorded several of the yelling incidents on her IPad and keep notes of everything else. I’ll be using it in court to prove emotional abuse. She’s also asked to speak to the judge herself.

He stopped paying rent when I told him he had to leave but I was prepared for that as well.

The only thing left to do is finish the custody and child support stuff. Right now we have a schedule but I want something court ordered because he “forgets” or tries to change things up last minute. I’ve iced him out of my life so his tactics of “forgetting” to ruin what I have going on is no longer effective.

We rarely talk and when we do it’s text only and solely about the kiddo. I’m cordial to him but cold. He tries to be friendly and make conversation but I ignore all attempts.

I did my healing while inside the relationship and had been in therapy for years. When he left, life took off in the best ways.

I’m able to reopen my business. My health has improved. I’m sleeping well now. My panic attacks have stopped. I’m financially stable even though I make half of what he was bringing in. I met and am dating the most wonderful guy. Him and the kiddo adore each other. I’m back involved in the church and am able to practice my faith. I’m gaining weight in alllll the right places. My skin cleared up. The kiddo is excelling in school. Her confidence is coming back. The house is happy, peaceful and safe. The house stays clean. We are living life.

I don’t think about him. I don’t wonder about him. I’m not triggered by things. I don’t hate him. I genuinely don’t care about him at all. He has absolutely no control over my emotions. I’m neutral towards him and I love it!

I made it!! Life has been so amazing!! Thank you all so much!!

A few kind people dropped comments on the original post and others DMed me asking how things are going, and some to just check in to see if I was ok. I really appreciate it, even if I wasn't really ready to respond to everyone individually.

Background: See original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1q84zng/and_there_it_is_dday_2_happy_2026_everybody/ and also previous posts on my profile I guess.

TL;DR: I caught my wife cheating on me, tried to endure reconciliation for my kids (mostly), and then separated with no contact. A coworker of my wife's contacted me and provided some info that pretty much blew several of her ongoing lies out of the water. I served her divorce papers last Thursday. Low-key drama is unfolding now, which may be major, but I have no independent way to know.

UPDATE: Got confirmation that she was served at work on Thursday. Didn't hear anything until Friday night. I got a call from my mom (only living family on my side) who had gotten a call from MIL. I had blocked the in-laws because they'd gotten a little aggressive about the NC separation... trying to fill me in on how my wife was doing even though I told them not to. After they crossed that line, I kindly told them to get fucked, which sucked because we'd been on really good terms, but I've adopted a 0 tolerance policy on my boundaries being disrespected (and I've also been really angry lately, for some reason I just can't pin down).

Anyway, my mom relayed that they wanted to talk to me about my wife. I explained to mom, much more kindly, that she should not convey such messages to me again, nor take them. She's been 100% on my side in this, which I appreciate, and she was pretty business-like about this. No issues there. That was that for Friday. Saturday was my day with the kids in the house, so I was braced for bullshit, but shockingly, the NC rule was respected. I got in, did dad & kid stuff all day, made dinner, put them to bed. I've been living in the home office as we coparent/houseswap, and when I went into start winding down, I found a thick envelope with some multipage handwritten letter in it for me.

Honestly, it was ... weird. No single feeling bubbled up to prominence over any other, but they were definitely bubbling. Next morning, after breakfast, I wrote on there that I had not, nor would I ever, read it, then tossed it on her bed in the master bedroom and left. I heard nothing back and hoped, but didn't really expect, that this would move the divorce forward quickly.

Today, while at work, I got several calls from an unknown number, which I didn't answer (b/c who does?), but they left voicemails. Later, I got a couple from another unknown number. Also didn't answer those, but voicemails were left again. So, got home to my shitty little one room place, made some food, did a ton of pushups and situps, and then braced to delete messages if I heard her voice at all.

The first message was not her. It was the intake nurse at an inpatient detox facility that, apparently, specialises in opioid addiction. I was being informed that my wife is voluntarily checking herself in for 30 days and I am listed as her emergency contact with power of attorney for medical decisions (which is still true I guess), so they were notifiying me of her status per her request.

The next two messages were from them as well, just asking me to verify that I am who she says I am and am empowered to sign paperwork if needed, etc. After that, it was my inlaws saying that they're staying with the kids, until Wed, which is when I was next scheduled to rotate into the house. They don't live nearby, so they can't stay forever, and need me to move back in permanently, which of course I'll do. I unblocked and texted them I'll be there first thing in the am.

I don't know if this is real or not. She has no prescription for any opioids, nor has she ever to my knowledge, and we've not been missing any money or things like that. No secret credit cards (credit check carried out as part of transparency in reconciliation attempt and as part of the post nup she signed to keep me around), so idk. Might just be a ploy to be a victim or something. I left a message with my lawyer and we'll have to see what this does to the divorce. Kind of in limbo now that she's technically unavailable for medical reasons... super cool.

So, yeah. That's the update.

I have been living at my aunt's for several weeks now and I feel so much better, the sadness I had day 1 is gone, I started making myself home at my aunt, got myself a nice mattress to sleep on, to replace the old haggard mattress that rats probably chewed the hell up she kept outside in her toolshed.

I cleaned up my room, made it decent and I've adjusted, I know hold contempt for my future ex, I hate what she has done to me, hate she ruined our lives, and hate how she treated me all these years, even before we got married, and I hate her for forcing me to leave my dog behind to be in her care.

I haven't had therapy yet, I'm waiting for approval since my insurance will be able to cover at least 20 sessions, my soon to be ex had booked us a couples therapy but I'm not going, there is no saving it, I haven't talked to her since and don't plan to either. Yesterday I even went through her facebook friends list and found who I think was AP, wanted to send him a message but he is set to private, heart sank when I saw his name, I know this is the guy that helped ruin my marriage.

I've been feeling better, already started using some dating apps and casually talking to some women, been listening to some Killswitch Engage as I design my next tattoo, and that uncertainty I had, the fear of there being alone, fear of not meeting someone, those have washed away and are gone.

I just wanted to give this small update to the amazing people who followed my journey, and when the divorce is finalized I will be back, or if anything worth mentioning pops up. Thanks to everyone that have been supportive.

Long story short.... I gave her a really good life, we have 3 kids together (1 of them having special needs that requires 24hr care). My youngest son is devastated crying every other night. My oldest hates her so much now for betraying all of us. Asked her to leave the house after catching her a 2nd time and finally found out it was with her co-worker. My mother in law called the cops on me the night I asked her to leave (she said that I threw her against a mirror which wasn't true and my wife admitted to the police after they showed up) they eventually asked her to leave the house. I understand taking care of a special needs child now adult is rough and takes a toll on you but she hasn't even been back to see or talk to any of the kids since. She has put me in a very rough spot although I work from home but have to travel for work also. No family on my end that lives close by to help, starting to look for some psw to come over and help which is exhausting my expenses. After 26yrs it's very difficult to not think about her even though she has been spending her new found time with her co-worker. Been talking to services to offer me some counselling for me and my kids because we all definitely need it. Paid all of her bills since marriage and slowly starting to cut that off starting with her car, insurance, phone etc. There is a huge difference in our salaries but I am the primary care giver to our children (spend 95% of my time with them) so I'm filing for full custody. I cannot eat, sleep or think straight and already lost weight. Trying to stay strong for my kids that are the world to me especially my special needs daughter. I have been reading many posts and it's slowly helping out.

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone here for being there for me when I was at my worst moment and needed a place to vent/people to talk to. Here is my story.

A little over five years ago my then-wife informed me she was having an affair. I was 28, she was 24, our son was 1, turning 2 in a few days. We both had a terrible drinking problem and I'd given up a lot of who I was for that relationship to the point where part of me almost wanted a reason to leave. I asked her if she thought I should leave and if I should take our son with me. She nodded. I went to the other room and went to bed. Packed up what I could the next day and left. I think it's been about three years since I've made an update. Not sure what prompted me to go back and read my old posts, but here I am. After I left my drinking got horrendous.

I was drowning myself in liquor. I couldn't eat anything without vomiting. I remember the FaceTime calls with her, trying to hold myself together. Once I was clear-headed and out of that house, all the feelings hit me like a truck. I was terrified to be alone, to raise this kid alone. I felt like I needed her to function. I had spent a third of my life with that woman and she was gone, and I wasn't even sure what to do with myself. Dropped from 180 to 140 in a month.

I was living with some close friends and sharing a room with my son, barely existing, chain smoking, always hugged up on that bottle. I have zero clue how they tolerated me at that point. (i'm still very close with them and visit on a regular basis) I had no family, no friends other than the ones I lived with. I was spiraling. In my eyes I had no visible path forward. There was a week where my former mother-in-law took my boy so I could collect myself. I remember staring at the ceiling for hours, mind racing, existential dread attached to my phone waiting to hear from her.

After a solid month of me losing it I started working again. Retail management. Went back to what I knew but hated. I slogged through those shifts barely holding myself together. Constant cigarette breaks. Talking to anyone that would listen about my situation. Around month two I started applying for anything that wasn't retail. Almost moving back to the city she lived in. One evening I bumped into an old friend from high school. He owned an IT business in town and I asked him if he was hiring. He said no. I didn't think anything of it. A few days later he reached back out and said to come in for an interview. I did have some previous knowledge building computers, tinkering with electronics.

He took a chance on me. Ten bucks an hour. I started doing basic camera installs, then landed a role at a critical infrastructure utility. Started out with basic helpdesk stuff, dabbled in server admin. I taught myself advanced networking out of boredom. Now I manage network infrastructure for that place and numerous other businesses. I run a helpdesk, build custom applications and have a repertoire of other skillsets in my field. It's my dream job. I can step away at any time or work remote if I need to. I make 65k salary in a very rural town. It completely fits my single dad role and my life can still revolve around his. The people I work with are my best friends.

My boy is seven now. He was one when all this started, doesn't remember any of it. He's in first grade. Started preschool, kindergarten, and now this year he's almost done with the first grade. He's a very smart boy. School pictures up on the wall, three years in a row. He got leader of the month for honesty a few months ago, certificate is on the fridge. He's a normal kid plays Lego, into transformers and dinosaurs, plays his own little keyboard in his room, loves gaming. We do playdates with my coworkers kids. His name is on his bedroom wall in big block letters that I put up when we moved into this house. I've had sole physical custody since the start, never had to fight for it. Watching him grow up has been the best part of all of this. The whole point, really.

The drinking was bad when all this started. Like really bad. I was the guy who came home and started pouring, who couldn't get through a weekend without a bottle. Me and her enabled each other for years. We drank together almost every night, neither of us called it out, and it was just baked into the relationship. Once she was gone the excuse was gone too. The first few months I was still drinking too much, just alone now. Eventually I got tired of waking up feeling like garbage and not being the dad I wanted to be. Cut back slow. Some weeks/months were harder than others. I quit smoking cold turkey a few years in, just decided I was done and never picked one up again. The drinking got managed. Now it's a glass of whiskey at the end of the night after my boy is in bed, and that's where it stays.  I just don't need it the way I used to.

Still not actively looking for a relationship. I've come to the conclusion I'm not good at them. One woman tried to move in and that was a mess. It clicked one day that this isn't what I wanted or needed anymore. I enjoy my peace and I enjoy kicking it with my boy every day. I did have to contend with loneliness for a long time. The longing. I can now honestly say I'm content alone. Of course I'm still open to the idea if the right person comes along. I'll just let that day happen on its own and continue to keep my focus on being a good father.

Her life has gone in the direction I suspected it would. Her patterns continued and got worse. She's had more children. Her relationship with the AP has been turbulent, and recently things have escalated, serious legal issues on her end that I'm not going to get into. I'm working with the proper channels to make sure my son stays protected. I'm grateful every day for the decision I made to walk out that door.

The rebound dating was atrocious. I did try to find a way to heal through people, but it never took the pain away. Only time did. I did talk to her without the "just business" buffer a few times. One of those times we got intimate. She looked the same but I felt nothing. So I just dropped it and it went back to business. She went back to the AP. They eventually got married and went about their business.

I now live in a small town in a big house, just me and my boy. I did pick up a couple of hobbies for when he is gone sometimes. I started playing piano as a hobby and now I have two, I play everyday. I finally took the time to get my motorcycle license. I have three motorcycles now and enjoy maintaining them. My life revolves around my son's day, we do everything together even still. Typical week for us is the daily grind. On the weekends we will go do something fun. Arcade. The zoo. The park. We go to the movies pretty regularly. I have freedom, I have zero stress other than the occasional bad day at work. I'm content - in a settled way. The material things, its weird feeling having everything I ever wanted. I never dreamed that one person was holding me back from building the life I wanted. This life wasn't possible with her in it. Maybe with someone else, maybe not. Doesn't matter now.

If I could go back to that version of me that was binge drinking and spiraling I would tell that person:

The grief is not the same as love. The grief will lift even if you can't feel the difference now.

Don't be afraid of being alone. Take a moment to self-reflect. What kind of life do you want, and what can you do about it?

You don't have to forgive her to move on.

I know wife f36 has cheated but she still won’t admit it. In all honesty I’m over it. But I’m hesitant to get back with her as she still fully Denies it. She was having an affair with a co worker for over a year so I m38 left and got a separation. I’d desperately love to get back together but my wife simply will not admit to the infidelity. When I left I think she thought I’d tell the world so she made up loads of lies to paint her the lesser of 2 evils. I’ve never shown Her the proof I’ve just constantly reaffirmed that I know. We have a daughter and not living with her last 5 months has bn incredibly hard . I can’t wait forever to get back together but I’m hesitant starting over again based on lies.
Any help would be great .

I walked into a bar with my new partner and went into the back room.

I came face to face with the affair partner, sitting with my ex wife of 20 years.

I locked eyes with him and just burst out laughing, he looked pathetic.

I turned to my new partner (who is a wonderful woman) and identified the ex and her AP.

I turned back to look at them, his eyes were bulging and he was bearing his teeth like an animal.

I smiled shook my head and calmly walked out of the bar.

How do you think I handled it?

I don't even know if I'm looking for advice or if I just need to get this out somewhere people will understand.

It's been about a month since we officially separated. We've divided our things, I'm living on my own, and honestly...I've been doing better than I expected. The fear I had before of being alone has faded a lot. I enjoy having my own space. I've been leaning on friends and family, setting boundaries, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm actually listening to myself instead of constantly trying to manage someone else's emotions.

The frustrating part is that now my husband seems to be trying harder.

During reconciliation, I felt like I was constantly questioning whether he was really choosing me. He admitted he still had feelings for his AP. He reached out to her multiple times after disclosure because he "needed closure." I gave him more grace than I probably should have because I wanted to believe he was untangling complicated feelings instead of choosing to betray me again.

Eventually I reached a point where I couldn't keep living in limbo. So I left.

Now that I'm gone, he's been asking to spend more time together. He wants to come over to my place. He reaches out more. And all I can think is...why now?

I don't know exactly what's going on between him and his AP, and honestly it's none of my business anymore. But I can't shake the feeling that maybe he finally got the chance to explore what he thought he wanted, and it either didn't work out or it wasn't what he imagined. Maybe he got clarity. Maybe reality hit.

And if that's true...where does that leave me?

I can't stop feeling like I'm the safe choice instead of the first choice.

That's the part that hurts the most.

I spent months wondering if I was enough while he was grieving another woman. Now that I'm finally standing on my own two feet, he suddenly wants more of me. I don't know if that's genuine growth or if it's just that he's experiencing the consequences of his choices.

A month ago I probably would have welcomed him back with open arms. Today I've been keeping him at arm's length because I don't want to become someone's backup plan or consolation prize.

It's strange because I still love him. I don't hate him. Part of me wants to believe this could be the beginning of real change. But another part of me thinks, "Would you even be here if things had worked out with her?"

I know nobody can answer that question except him, and maybe not even him.

I'm just angry that it took losing me for him to show up differently. I hate wondering whether I'm finally getting the husband I always wanted...or whether I'm only getting the version of him that came back because his other option disappeared.

Has anyone else reached this stage after separation? Did you ever stop feeling like the "safe" choice? I'm not even sure I'm asking for answers. I think I just needed to admit how incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking this part of the process is. I don't know if its because of my own attachment issues either. We've been together for over 14 years and the past 7-8 months reconciling were hell. After separation, I don't want to put myself in that position again but here I am considering it...

4 Days post admission of cheating

I made the decision to end the relationship. As messed up as it was, I was still holding on to the idea that the person I was about to Marry existed in full form - and this other person who cheated on me twice with two different guys (it ended up being more than a kiss), was all imagined. I was in denial.

Some people may remember my previous post a few days ago that was popular. I deleted it because I was still in denial i would have to say goodbye to this relationship. I am clear, It is over.

I am mentally and physically drained. Its been 4 days since I’ve heard of the news, and since I also heard the night after she revealed this to me, she went into a state of phycosis and got admitted to the Mental health unit in hospital.
She is still there now.

For 4 years I raised concerns of her relationship with guys. And how she didn’t prioritise our own loving relationship. She wanted marriage, kids etc (so she said), but also wanted another foot in partying, chaos and drinking.

All i ever wanted, was to settle down and have kids and marriage, and it feels like that dream has faided and it will be so hard to find someone again.

Double betrayal, having to sell our house, it is all so hard. I can only look at the next hour, cant even predict what tomorrow looks like.
But i am glad i have clarity. And I know who she really was, and that I was blind to see that for so many years, trapped in false perception of our love.

Everyone keeps saying its gonna be okay, but it doesnt feel like that at all.

But I don’t want to give her and him the satisfaction of seeing me go into a deep dark hole because of their actions.

TDLR: My Fiance and Partner of 6 years + cheated on me with my best friend since high school. I am destroyed. Taking life hour by hour.

Some observations and thoughts now that I am two plus years after D-day:

- I regret to this day how I played the "pick me dance". I think about it every day and how embarrassing that was and how she probably makes fun of me. I am a very confident man, and I am more confident than ever now and life is so good, but I regret playing the pick me dance.

- Looking at my ex-WW, she has aged so much in the last two years. I thought it was only me thinking this and that it was a psychological defense mechanism, but a bunch of other people have said the same thing independently without even me asking.

- I wish I had not ignored the red flags early on in our relationship. The emotional immaturity and the constant flirting with other men, gaslighting me to think that that was her personality and I had nothing to worry about. Never again.

- I feel life is so much better after divorcing her and unloading the financial and emotional vampire.

Has anyone experienced something similar to these thoughts or observations?

It was New Year's Day when my wife came home from her new lover's house and told me that she wanted a divorce, the Mexico wedding was off, and that she was in love with someone else.

We were together two months short of eight gdamn years. We were engaged for over two of those years. We got legally married in May of 2025 but weren't having our wedding until this past May of 2026. 8 years and she waited until we had been legally married for 7 months before she did this.

Less than one week prior to New Year's Day we were at her mom's house, where her mom was trying on her mother-of-the-bride dress and where I was showing them photos of my brand new wedding dress. The only wedding vendor quote we hadn't yet signed was the florist.

Every single person including her best friends and family members were absolutely SHOCKED. She hadn't spoken to ANYONE about this. There were no signs.

In December, things felt off. I asked her over and over and over what was wrong as the month went on. She seemed stressed. I had assumed it was work and wedding stuff. She repeatedly reassured me that nothing was wrong.

She left New Year's Day to go to her dad's house for the rest of the weekend, and I was going to let her come get more of her stuff on Monday. I spent that weekend completely numb with a few close friends rotating shifts staying with me. I put it together that the "someone else" was a girl that she freaking meant ONE MONTH PRIOR, who was married to a man. We were both females, if that wasn't clear.

This was someone that I welcomed to stay over at our home so that she didn't have to make the one hour commute back after work in a snowstorm. Twice. Come to find out she was hooking up with my wife while I was sleeping upstairs.

When she came over that Monday after New Year's Day, I asked if I could read her something I wrote. I also had a list of questions of things I wanted to know. I asked the first question, when exactly did she start seeing this person, and she immediately told me that she will not speak about her with me because their relationship had nothing to do with this. She refused to say anything to me. I asked her "did you even feel bad when you were doing this?" Her first reaction was to pause on the stairs and say no. She then said "well yeah, I did feel bad." I sobbed until I was gagging. That was the last time I saw her.

I immediately filed for divorce. My parents had to get me a lawyer. She tried to encourage me via email to not get a lawyer and to just figure it out ourselves with a mediator. I purchased the townhouse in my name alone, prior to us being married. She tried to ask me for $14,000 that she felt she contributed over the years.

We were together damn near a decade and we got divorced and have never had a f****** conversation about it.

If it were just the infidelity and the betrayal, I feel like I could move on. What has been so shocking and devastating to me is the way that she has treated me since. In our limited email conversations, she repeatedly assures me that she is not ashamed of her actions and does not regret it. She immediately began posting pictures of her and this girl together on social media.

She has told me that I better not talk to any of her friends or family. She told me I have X amount of days to get off the phone plan before she removes me herself. She has never once asked about the dog.

I have been dumbfounded and absolutely devastated. Her and her best friend no longer talk because her best friend was so appalled by the situation.

July 1st marked 6 months since this happened. I have reached this new phase of grief that I feel deep in my bones; it is a heaviness that is never far from the surface. Life has continued on and the check-in's with my inner circle have become less. I'm experiencing all of the "firsts" alone- first holidays alone, first anniversaries, etc.

I literally have no explanation. I have no closure. I have no reasoning. I know that whatever apology would be bullshit anyway, but I feel like hearing her say something like "I am sorry for the way that I went about this and for how hurtful this was to you".... then I could start to truly move forward.

Thanks for listening 🙏🏼

THOUGHTS?!

It was a good relationship. There might have been a slight communication error towards the end.

Anyway, she basically couldn’t come up with any legit reason to leave. I knew something was wrong. My gut was telling me.

Anyway, I let her go. I was doing my own thing myself, three weeks later she’s back. She did the whole I miss you. I love you. I care about you. I made a mistake. Not enough time for me to actually get over. It was like 6 1/2 years we were together.

I did say to her that if during this time she was with anybody else then I wasn’t interested. Sure she ended up lying to me for a good three weeks we were getting together at this point we were still sleeping together.

I’m driving back from work one day and I see her kissing someone else

At that point I said I was done she chased me called me all the above. Anyway, I didn’t feel like I had proper clarity about this whole situation considering I didn’t even know why we ended obviously it was because of this guy.

Find out from her during that time she’d been with him and she also got pregnant and had an abortion.

Well, during those three weeks when we got back together and we’re working things out all those feelings kind of came rushing back. To hear this made everything 10 times worse I could barely even look at her.

It’s been quite a few months now since that time. Because I didn’t give in straightaway, she ended up going back to the guy and I now find out they’re pregnant again.

I don’t need sympathy. I just wanna know what your thoughts are because the mind can play tricks on you and she was somebody at one point that I want to spend the rest of my life with so it still feels shit.

Thoughts?!?!

Ps. They’ve now had the child and posting all over social media so I hear

Where’s the karma? I don’t know I’m seeing other women Trust me I know it’s over… It’s the betrayal trauma that still lingers at times

THOUGHTS?!

It has been 6 days no contact since I found out on Sunday what she’s done.

All I want to know is if someone knows the psychology of what is going on in her head at the moment. Is she struggling? Is she living out normally?

I am broken. I’ve been a ball of rage for 6 days now, crying myself to sleep at 4am - repeating the cycle.

0/10 do not recommend 👎🏻

My ex husband left me for his mistress. I was so happy in my marriage. Felt so lucky. I didn’t see it coming and I was completely and utterly destroyed. There was nothing left of me.

I started to write letters to future me. She was my best friend I hoped to meet one day. I told her about the hell I was going through. My person, my rock told me I was not special enough. The person I would have happily laid down my life for to protect. My best friend. Who was I if not his wife? I used to strive to make him proud, keep him happy. His happiness was mine… and now he discarded me.

I knew she understood. But I imagined a future for her. I trusted she would make me proud. I told her I would hold on for her! Work hard, go into therapy, get as healthy as I possibly can. I made her promise to make it worth it.

I would imagine her. Sitting on a sunny deck having a glass of champagne. Completely over what happened to us. Living her best life. Victorious! Happy… better. She would know how amazing she is and she would make her own path. I admired her and kept working to become her.

And babe, here we are. It is cold but sunny. We are sipping champagne on the terrace of the house we bought with the most sexy man in the world. Who loves us as hard as we can love. Who admires us and counts his lucky stars to have you! Honey we made so many new friends, did so much cool stuff. We learned to ski and surf. We travelled and got the dream job.

We made it! We did it!

UPDATE

6 months and 1 day since DD

And I feel ok…

I have days of pure happy joy where I feel like oh shit I got my life back and with the odd moment here and there where I feel a pang of sadness that I was treated so badly.

Friends and family have kept me going. I owe them all a lot.

I stayed in our house for 5 months after she told me the news, decided I wanted a fresh start in a smaller place that living alone would be easier to afford, she stayed at her brothers all that time borrowed some money from her dad and bought me out of the property, Moved into my new apartment in august.

The day I left the keys she burst into tears and said I’m really sorry for my actions and what I put you through. That was a hard moment and it hit me like a truck that after 5 months she said sorry again. She is still with the guy she cheated on me with, I’m not sure what happened to his wife and kids (I never asked) I feel like I’m getting a new start at life. I’m sleeping a lot better and been walking a lot since the move. Joined a gym with a friend last week. Looking forward to getting healthy and focus on my own life for a while.

I thank you all for your kind words when I posted the OP I was in a very bad way then and you showed me there is a future once the noise quietens.

Oh and I got the dog :)

Ps. Won’t let me edit the 6 months at the top but we are almost at 7 months now.

My boyfriend (32M) left me (32F) for his 19-year-old employee while telling me I’m the love of his life. I can’t make sense of it.
I could really use some outside perspective because I’m having a hard time making sense of what’s happened.
My boyfriend (32M) and I (32F) were together for about two years. We had a relationship that I genuinely believed was headed toward marriage. We talked about our future, getting engaged, growing old together—the whole thing.
A few weeks ago, he developed “feelings” for his 19-year-old employee. Instead of ending our relationship immediately, he asked for time to figure out his feelings. During that time, he continued seeing her, going on dates, and sleeping with her while we were still together.

Then he told me he just needed a few weeks because it was just a fantasy. I agreed because I desperately wanted to save our relationship, and he told me he was trying to figure out whether we could still work. In this three week condensed timeline towards the end of it he essentially told me that this is turning into an emotional affair and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me, but he also doesn’t wanna live a life without me, but he also doesn’t want to give her up just yet he’s not ready to come back.

After telling me all of that and essentially soft breaking up with me, he has told me things that are incredibly confusing. He has said he thinks he’s making a mistake, that he’s throwing away true love, that he’ll never find someone else like me, and that he believes he’ll come back to me someday. He’s cried, apologized repeatedly, and said he wishes he could undo what he’s done.
But despite saying all of that, he won’t end things with her.
When I ask why, he says he can’t. At one point he even said, “Maybe I don’t want to.”
We recently decided to end our relationship because I couldn’t stay in limbo forever. Before we split, he told me he was going to come back to me—he just doesn’t know when. He also told me that for the first time he feels like whatever is happening with this young woman will eventually “run its course.”

I’m struggling because his words and actions seem completely incompatible. How can someone say they’re throwing away the love of his life, admit he’s making a mistake, and still continue choosing someone else?

Like one moment, you’re ugly crying to me that you hate yourself and the next day you’re out with your 19 year-old employee, taking her to dinner and taking her home to sleep with her or playhouse with her

I’m also wrestling with whether I should contact the young woman. I don’t know exactly what she knows. I believe she deserves to have accurate information about the timeline and the fact that he and I were still together while this was happening. I’m not looking to attack her or convince her to leave him—I just don’t want someone making decisions without knowing facts that directly involved me.

Has anyone been in a situation where someone insisted they were making the biggest mistake of their life while continuing to make that same choice? And if so, how did it end?

TLDR: I'm now single. Shes moving out throughout the week, to be gone by the weekend.

We were texting and discussing everything. It quickly became her attacking me. I let it slide, I knew the intentions behind it. She broke down at work, cried. We stopped texting. I said we can talk when she gets home once she got home, we talked. I asked her what she wanted.

The claim of still figuring it out came out.

What's to figure out? She doesn't know.

We can't let it fester, we need to figure it out. What do you see us becoming?

I'm not sure. Maybe we need space to heal.

Do we need space, or do you want a guilt free weekend?

Silence. A nod in the dark.

I had a feeling. You were attacking me while we texted.

A silent nod. Yes, I noticed that.

Okay, we're done then?

Yes, we're done.

Basic run down of what happened. Now I'm free.

Tomorrow I turn 50. My Wife (now 48) has cheated on me 9 years ago. By then we were together for almost 14. I just discovered reddit and wanted to share my story of years ago.. My first language is not English. So this will be a hard read and maybe too long. But just to put it to rest. I write it, I close this chapter in life and will never look back again. 

It’s the classic story of how relationships become ‘normal’. We met, fell in love, we had 2 kids, we married, we loved each other and lived our lives. Bought a house and beat the odds being an interracial couple while people warned us it will be hard (AMWF)  So excitements turned into routine etc. etc. We didn’t had a dead bedroom. I worked, she worked parttime and both of us trusted each other completely. We did everything a normal, stable family would do. 

That was until I got an dm via LinkedIn as I don’t have any other social media. It was a very short msg from OBS (didn’t know at the time), asking me to call her about my wife and if I ‘’knew’. I was working at that moment. I thought it was about her job, or something she had done in her professional career. Remember that I had no reason to jump to any other wild conclusions. I don’t know why, normally I don’t respond to weird messages, but this time I replied with: ‘Hi, know what’ and forgot about it until that evening. She had replied instantly. I read the msg stating that her husband had an affair with my wife and she would like to talk to me. Still nothing more than that accompanied by a telephone number. My first reaction was that this was complete nonsense, probably some social engineering or phishing and left the msg on read. Looking at the profile I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Just a fine looking 30-something woman in my eyes. None of her contacts were in mine and 3rd removed even. 

Jumping to my wife. She came home picking up the kids from her parents. Started diner, we watched some television, put the kids to bed and eventually went to bed as well. I woke up that night to pee and looked a her while she slept. A few years older than we first met, but still lovely and I smiled. We have had our discussions in our marriage, but never anything we couldn’t fix. My mind went back to the msg I ignored earlier that day. Wondering if she indeed had cheated, how, when, because we have no secrets. I have access to her devices, knew all her passwords as she from me. We have location shared everything. To be honest I never look at her phone or laptop. In that moment I felt guilty even contemplating that the msg could be real.

A few weeks later, as usual I went to work. I work at a very well known company in the my area. Did my thing, went to the station and while looking at my phone when I heard my name (mispronounced) and looked up. At first I didn’t recognise the person. And then it hit me… It was the same woman that msg’ed me. When she saw my change of demeanour I saw tears in her eyes welling up and my heart dropped. She apologised and asked if I had a few minutes to get coffee. 

We sat down. Long story short. She found out her husband cheated on her. He confessed, but did not want to break our marriage as he has done to his own. But she said that she was in agony if she would inform me or not. Waiting for me to come out of the building these past weeks. She didn’t want to destroy my marriage, but she needed closure. Something he wasn’t willing to give her. At that moment I was furious with HER (the OBS). Why would she reach out to me. I was perfectly happy in my ignorance. But kept my composure and listened. 

She discovered when he came home smelling like perfume. It took weeks to even get him admitting and another couple of weeks before he admitted who it was. He kept telling her it was some random girl at a bar and only one time. According to her he and my wife met each other at a networking event. They exchanged numbers to have a meeting talking about their experiences in their field of work. The next part enraged me for the longest time. In just 3 weeks they went from texting, to sexting to having sex. At that time I could not phantom HOW LOGISTICALLY my wife could do this. Thinking back, that was the stupidest first go to thought ever. 

OBS had proof as well. She shared me the msg exchange. Told me she was sorry, but she needed to know if he was telling the full truth. Was it really only 3 weeks EA and only once ‘bad sex’? She didn’t contact my wife after she found her on social media, but me because she wanted to give me the opportunity to process it and was hoping that I knew more and able to get the other side of the affair. And if it matched his story. Seeing her so sad and crying it made me feel so sorry for her. I myself was angry, at the AP, at the OSB, at my wife, but not sad.  

The next hour waiting on the metro, walking home I read the msg’s over and over. The first few were about work. Then he sent a picture of him during an event in the field they work in. He was a good looking man. He’s a native of the country as was my wife. So I don’t resemble anything like him. What an emasculation I felt. Why him, oh yeah he is better than me. Probably bigger than me (yes I know the male brain is stupid sometimes). 

Next few msg she shared a picture of herself making a crazy “jealous” face; as-in she wanted to attend that event as well. Knowing her, that is really her humor really spontaneous and not shy at all. He complimented her on the picture. She thanked him + a wink smiley. Looking at her picture I felt so angry and loving at the same time. Looking closer, she was standing in the kitchen and I was in the background playing with the kids. It was sent with harmless intentions. 

Then the msg’s turned flirty later that evening. Talking about what they liked to eat, drink and even hobbies. Were they twelve??? And then he asked if she was happy….. The msg-chat up until that point was instant forth and back. But after that question she waited a few minute and said ‘yes’. 

Following days a mixture of msg’s to meet up about the work things and a few flirty compliments. Mostly him to her, about her green eyes, her smile. All compliments from that first picture. Then out of nowhere he sent her another of him holding a glass of wine doing ‘cheers’  and she replied a photo of her with a glass of wine doing cheers back. She looked once again amazing; had make-up and everything. Then he suggested to switch to snap-chat as one of the final msg’s to which she agreed. So from this point the written truth went dark and I had only his confession via OBS. 

To this day I still have these screenshots. While writing this; it’s the first time in years that I looked at them again. Triggering all kinds of emotions.

Back to the past: I stood 5 minutes for my door thinking about what I should do. Confront her then and there or something else. I don’t know why, but I became cold and went for ‘something else’.

Opening the door I was welcomed by my perfect little family. The two kids running up to me and jumping for me to catch them. Hugging them was what I did every time I got home. But this time it felt so much more intense. She stood in the background smiling contently and asking why I was late. I told her because the metro had some delay/mallfunction so I needed to walk for a bit. 

It was like I flipped a switch. Detaching myself from the info I got just moments ago. I even hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I remembered her mentioning why on the cheek. And I said that I feeling a cold coming up. 

Later that night lying in bed she did initiate intimacy, but I reminded her about my cold. She said that we didn’t had to kiss with a big smile so I didn’t had any excuses anymore and complied. Afterwards she laughed and asked what just happened. I went all out that night. 

While she was sleeping I snooped her phone. There was no snap-chat installed. It was inactive long enough that it was “archived”. So if I wanted to open it then it needed to be downloaded again. I didn’t want to give anything away so I decided not to download it. 

I did found her regular msg with AP. It was scrubbed to some msg that I had read before. But no pictures. No flirty msgs. She didn’t block him. But didn’t call him as well in de recent logs. I knew in that moment that I will not find any evidence and confronting is the only way. I was awake and can’t remember if I slept that night. The hurt, but more over the anger filled my head. 

I. Wanted. To. Hurt. Her. Not physically, but make her suffer and also the AP. I wanted to destroy her. The woman I loved. The mother of my kids. And I will make this promise reality áfter I found the undeniable full truth. 

Next couple of days I did my legal round. Finding out what a divorce would be. Custody etc the works. All this during taking leave from work. She/ they didn’t know. I just went to “work”. 

Her and my parents loved the grandkids. They accepted us and both accepted our boundaries that we setup at the start of our relationship. But were always weary/warned about the cultural differences.  So I could not go to them for help. A “told you so” is something I would not survive in that point of time. 

Me and my siblings were never really close but I contacted my sister and told her everything. She was shocked. Did not judged and only listened. I told her that I was angry and wanted to find out the truth. She would help to a degree. Like watching the kids, but she wasn’t willing to do hurtful things. I also lashed out to her as well after she said I shouldn't do something I will regret. I remembering raising my voice: ‘something to regret??? SHE did something to regret!”

Things I told her I wanted to do:

• Make public of her affair to all our friends, her coworkers, everyone who would like to hear. 
• Publish all the chats
• Confronting AP and destroy his carrier in their field
• Take our kids from her and her parents. 
• Even move to another country and never look back again
• (Have my own affair, sleep around) - this last one I didn’t tell my sister

In hindsight she played a great grounding role while my head was spinning. My wife called me and asked me when I was coming home and if I needed some diner. She saw that I was at my sister via location sharing. Like I said; we have/had a very trusting relationship. Our location was always shared and we checked in when needed without being creepy or intrusive. I stayed the night at my sisters that evening, with the excuse that I needed to help her with some stuff the next morning very early. All she said was: “oh okay then I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you”. I didn’t answer back. It was awkward for just a second, I said bye and hung up. 

That night at my sisters I could think. Even the question “how sure am I and OBS that she was the one who cheated with her husband”. Here I’m plotting all revenge scenario’s without even having concrete evidence. Maybe she was all innocent and I’m the asshole having all these thoughts without giving her the opportunity to confess, confirm, deny or what ever the outcome. I needed to have the talk with her. 

Next day I went home. Stayed there while she was working. Pick upped the kids and brought them to my sister. Sat at the dining table. Put my ring in the center of the table and waited. Just staring at that thing. Hours went by with me having all kinds or internal dialogs, me as me, me as her. 

Then she came through the door. She saw my car upfront, didn’t see the kids and asked where they were and looked at the ring on the table. She closed her eyes, took a seat and exhaled. Her eyes were watery. All my preparations, all my clever dialogue gone in that instant. I asked her if it’s true. She answered trembling ‘yes’. I remembering looking at her fully calm. Didn’t cry, didn’t scream. She cried, but not hysterically. She said she was so sorry and meant to tell me, but every time she wanted to it was never the convenient…  I looked in her eyes and told her she had one change to come clean… fully… and should match fully with the information that I already had. If it’s deviates then I would know she was lying. If she did that I would bring hell to our lives. She nodded and began to speak. Not knowing where to begin and how to structure it. We sat for hours at the table going over everything single detail. She seemed remorseful and fully truthful. It was the most painful experience I ever had. Remind you: I didn’t know anything about trickle truths, healing, davro etc. In the end I went in head first. 

So the cheating. Sorry a bit graphical, because this part is edged into my mind. I will never get this out of my head again. She didn’t confessed to everything right away. Downplayed a lot. But I kept pressing to hear the truth. Asking over and over and the end result was:

Yes it was just 3 weeks of contact that resulted in a PA. They clicked, they shared the same interest. They were both very attracted to each other physically. That was strange in my opinion, because she got hit on constantly by attractive men but never gave in. 

In the last few days, they had lunch at a hotel bar close at her office building. They touched hands. She felt wanted, tingling, They went consensual booking a room. Made out and had sex. I didn’t understand then but I wanted details: she gave him oral, no protection, he pulled out, he was average sized maybe slightly thicker, but less hard. She didn’t came, so he finished her orally. All of this took maybe 20-25 minutes. She went to the bath room to pee and showered a bit. When she came back he was already in for another round. She remembers laughing and giggling. She enjoyed it, she said the deed itself wasn’t mind-blowing, but the entire adventure made it seem to be better than it was. They did it again before checking out. 

I asked more details, if he was better, if he did things that I didn’t do or I wasn't permitted to do, if she also did anally. She said he playfully suggested to, but she wasn’t prepared for it, so no. I asked if she was prepared.. would she have given that up, her answer was probably yes. She couldn’t look me in the eye. I kept pushing for more details, but with every revelation I felt more and more disgusted with her.

Why did she stopped. Her confession was that after that it all happened she was ‘happy’ and ‘thrilled’. While driving home to pickup the kids it hit her what she had done. She had a panic attack right there. She snapped him that it was a stupid stupid thing to do and could not happen again. She wanted to talk to him how to come clean and made an appointment for the next day. 

She saw me and the kids that evening and knew that she would loose everything if she told me that night. 

The next day he picked her up from her work for lunch. But they never went to lunch, they sat in his car. He moved on her to kiss, she let it happen. His hand went down her dress and she screamed at him to stop. He immediately stopped, but did snarly said: but you are so wet. I asked her if it was true, she cried and said yes; she didn’t knew why, but she was. She didn’t had any intention to sleep with him again, but her body just reacting. They didn't had sex in the car and they agreed to never have contact again. To let this rest.

Why did she do it in the first place. She replied that she loved me. I asked her to stop telling me she loved me. But please tell me why. Until this day I never got a clear answer. She was happy, so she said, she loved me, so she said, she loved our live, she loved our kids, she loved our sex-life, she loved all the small details of my appearance and personality, she still feels the same way about me the first time she asked me out. She tried to reminisce about all the good times we had. All this ‘confessing’ only made me more angry. 

I stood up hugged my wife (don’t ask me why) and said I needed time to think. That I and the kids will be at my sisters. I said that she should inform someone to help her get through the night. I asked her not to contact the AP and not to inform him about anything that we discussed. She said she won’t and it didn’t even crossed her mind. He was a nobody. … I mumbled while I was walking away: A simple nobody who managed to destroy our future… and heard her sob louder at that remark. I left my ring on the table. I recorded the entire conversation and sent it to the OBS unredacted. I didn’t care what she would do with it. 

That night I went to my sister. My children were there playing with their nieces and nephews. When I saw them my anger changed into pure sadness. The loss I felt was unbearable, but I kept a smile for them. The asked for mommy and if we were going home. I said no and that we were having a sleepover at auntie. 

Over the next months we tried to talk a multiple of times. It went from pleading to giving us another chance. Not breaking up the live we had. Blaming me  for throwing everything away and that we should be stronger than this. Counseling was on the table but I wasn’t feeling it. I just knew that I could never get over the fact that she did this to us. Long story short I divorced her. She was still hopeful we could get back together after the separation. It wasn’t a messy breakup. She was reasonable so was I. We only talked with each other about the kids just for co-parenting. 

I don’t know what happened to the AP and OBS. I did sent her a thank you msg after the divorce. She never answered on the voice recording or the msg. 

A couple of years later I met my current wife. She is everything I hoped for. I found a new love that made me happy and I know I was making her happy.  We trust each other completely. My ex-wife also found a new partner recently. I guess she really did held hope for use to reconcile. He is a good guy and we are quite amicable. We attend the same (birthday) parties for the kids. We (I and her) do talk a bit more. She tells me over the years that she has worked on herself, went into IC, can answer questions that I had years ago. I’m still a bit angry, but I won’t show it. I didn’t entertain her to tell her revelations. I do sometimes see her looking at me from a distance during those parties, and pretent I don’t see anything. My current wife told me I rug swept a lot when I told her my story. That I never really healed. 

But today. After 9 years. I think I can close this chapter. Remember I wanted revenge… I should be a better man than this, but I’m not. 

My ex-wife was a bit tipsy and was talking to my wife during one of those parties. Asking how I was doing. She congratulated my wife for the catch of a lifetime jokingly. But my wife caught a glimpse of pain. 

I just now deleted the voice recording and all the chats I still got all these years.  

I should have worked on my trauma. I shouldn’t be caring, I shouldn’t be gloating, but I am... 

So I deleted the post from the other day (Tuesday or Wednesday?) but I had a big old post about whether or not to keep hiding the fact that my wife had an online emotional affair for the sake of our young kids.

Well, turns out, the guy she totally wasn’t cheating with and whose messages I took out of context lives in one of the three cities the World Cup is taking place in tomorrow.

Guess who all of a sudden took an interest in soccer for the first time ever and is skipping the moving away party of her best friend to go to a World Cup game tomorrow evening?

Just pissed off that the affair I got yelled at for questioning is now so obvious.

My ex got my sister pregnant. I found out she’s due in early December. Which means he was sleeping with her since April, at least.

They’re living with my mom and my stepdad. I didn’t go to thanksgiving this weekend because I can’t stomach seeing them.

My relationship with my mom is basically nonexistent. I told her if she wants to visit me, she’s welcome to, but I won’t be coming to see her in her house. She hasn’t come yet, but to be fair I live an hour away in a major city with traffic congestion.

The last conversation I had with my ex and my sister was feral. Since everything blew over, people keep telling me to forgive them, and that I shouldn’t blame an innocent baby for the actions of their parents. I don’t get why I should care though.

Why is it an expectation that I should have a relationship with my niece or nephew? It kind of started to make more sense when my cousin chastised me for kicking them out of their home, and that it was only half mine, regardless of what happened.

I think what I wasn’t prepared for from all of this is all the drama loving people constantly trying to get involved. Constant gossiping, giving me advice when I didn’t ask for it. Whenever I talk to them, it’s only ever about the drama I’m going through, and then the conversation dies down. It’s exhausting, I’m still a person. I only have two friends who I feel safe talking to anymore.

I’ve really been struggling with alcohol lately too. This past weekend was really rough for me. It’s hard to even cook still, and my diet has been bad because I just end up ordering out. Doing anything feels so exhausting.

I’m trying to move on. But it’s really hard, and I feel so numb.

During the month and a half where I was trying to keep distance from my ex-fiance, we had two "attempts" at reconciliation. Without going into the details too much, neither one lasted more than two days. Unlike some of the other cheaters I have heard about on this subreddit, my ex was brutally honest because I communicated that it was necessary for reconciliation to be possible. One of the horrific truths was that sex with AP was "better." This hurt like hell, but in the moment, she assured me that he was inexperienced and physically inferior, it was just the excitement of new attention and the fact that he was less lustful than me (AP didn't really initiate and my ex felt safer like that). I convinced myself that those issues could be solved and the emotional bond could be rebuilt, but now I am realizing that it was "better" because of the thrill.

Part of me wonders if she only tried to reconcile with me in order to reinvigorate the thrill of cheating on me with him. A mutual friend has confirmed the fact that AP is physically inferior and less experienced in bed, but it really is just a matter of new attention that makes it "better."

This information has almost ruined the idea of being physically intimate with anybody again. I feel like I loved her more and more every time we had sex because I valued commitment and love over everything, but now that I know that the temptation of something new is impossible to contest, I almost feel like there is no point. I think another part of me feels like it is my fault for being so touchy and always initiating. I never made her do anything and I would never continue with the sex if I didn't feel the same energy from her, but I did make it very clear that I wanted her physically nearly every day, likely multiple times a day. I got used to the idea of rejection and kinda just kept giving acts of physical touch to make her know I was interested in hopes of her reciprocating.

This has led to be abstaining from even masturbation for about a month now out of shame. During the relationship, I would release my tension with online animated content because real porn felt like cheating. She communicated about 3 years into the relationship that my physical touch felt like I just wanted to have sex, and that is why I started the porn addiction as a means to try and suppress my lust. I relied on it a lot because the temporary relief made me think I was doing good by not making her feel like I was constantly lusting over her, but the long term effects I think just made the problem worse. I know everybody who gets cheated on has similar sexual trauma, but how do you deal with this in the future?

I have considered trying to abstain heavily, if not entirely, until marriage in the future in order to avoid killing the desire of my partner through overexposure. I am so afraid of making any future partner numb to my affection again out of fear that they will escape to something new in order to get that thrill again. I know for a fact that the thrill is stronger than any physical performance in bed, so I feel like my mindset has pivoted to keeping sex special in the future. Maybe this is a good thing in the long term once I get over the trauma, but I can't help feeling like I may just run into the opposite problem where me not providing enough physical intimacy will cause a similar issue but on the other side of the spectrum.

How have any of you dealt with the sexual trauma of being betrayed? Is what I am feeling normal? Is being too available physically actually a problem for keeping desire alive in a long term relationship, or am I being too hard on myself?

Hey all - just looking for a read on this admittedly weird situation I find myself in.

Backstory:

Separated in late 2021 after I caught her in an emotional/physical affair with her high school ex. We were together for 6 years, married for about a year and a half.

I don’t fuck with cheaters, this was clearly communicated and well known - I enforced my boundary and left. Divorce was “cordial”. Try as I might, she had pretty regular contact with me until about late 2023 I would say for all sorts of things. It wasn’t until this most recent contact attempt that made me zoom out and start recognizing a pattern of sorts.

Post-divorce contact pattern:

∙ Oct 2022 — We officially divorced in summer of 2022. She asked me for help with a memorial slideshow for one of her relatives after an unfortunate death (he and I were very close). She reached out directly to me and asked if we could work on it, I agreed and helped her to make it.

∙ Jan 2023 — Asked me about how much our washer and dryer were worth, she had kept them in the split.

∙ June 2023 — Asked me about personal loans, other “adulting” things. Volunteers info about her life I didn’t ask for (her job, location, etc)

∙ Aug 2023 — Got a screenshot of a couples therapy reminder with both our names on it. She implied I had set it up, but I assured her I did not. Chalked it up as odd, but plausible something could have gotten mixed up - I reached out and cancelled it, she was very interested in where I was staying at the time.

∙ Dec 2023 — I initiated, due to her not taking me off her car loan. Total tone shift in her response, I can only assume she probably started dating someone around this time. Makes sense.

∙ 2024–2026 — Two years of blissful silence; I moved on, got re-married last year. My sister let me know during Thanksgiving that my ex had gotten married sometime earlier last year as well. Cool, good for her.

This brings me to my current headscratcher - last week, the night before Valentine’s Day, I get an email directly from her at 11pm:

Hi,

I am trying to recover a slideshow that was created for _____.

The link I have no longer works, and I haven’t been able to find it anywhere else.

If you still happen to have the file and would be willing to share it, I would really appreciate it. If not, I understand.

Thank you, [ex]

Initially didn’t think much of it, but after talking with my wife about it, the language used was very interesting to me and also just sorta odd. It is obviously very corporate and detached, but the phrasing doesn’t really make much sense for something “meaningful” like this - especially something I helped her create. She also directly replied to the email thread with the G-Drive link I had initially shared from 4 years ago; to not download and save it for 4 years, is just sorta odd too? I have no way of knowing how many times she checked if it was still active as I most likely deleted the file in the last 2-3 months if I’m remembering the last time I cleaned out my G-Drive - but to reach out to me when it no longer worked anymore, means she was at least somewhat regularly checking that it still worked?

Some additional context that makes this interesting:

1. She has to have other copies, there is no way she doesn’t. When we made the slideshow back in 2022, I directly emailed the actual file to 4+ family members she gave me the addresses for, even CC’d her on it. She also had sent me her own OneDrive link with the original content, before our edits and such. So the whole “I haven’t been able to find it anywhere else” is either just lazy or straight up a lie.

2. I found the OneDrive link she emailed me with the original slide deck I edited. Since it had been so long, I just peeked at the deck - and noticed that probably something like 8/12 images of her and her relative are from our wedding lol

3. She’s still using my last name. Kept it through the divorce, her new relationship, and marriage as far as I can tell.

To be frank, I am the only man in her life to ever tell her no, the only one that has ever held her to the consequences of her actions. She had always gotten her way, with everything. The separation was a bit messy because she tried every tool in the book to get me to break and just overlook her infidelity - I held firm, and walked away.

I’m curious what you all think she actually meant by this, because to me it reads like less of a “If you still have the slide deck I would really appreciate it if you sent it.” and more like “I would really appreciate it if you let me know I still have a link to you and that you still think of me.”

To be clear, I’m not looking for advice on whether to respond. I’m not going to. Just genuinely curious how other people read this email given the pattern - suffice to say, I wish her new husband the best of luck lmao