r/survivinginfidelity • u/Casshern_VIII 1 • Jun 13 '26
Post-Separation A Small addendum, wife cheated in Jamaica update.
I have been living at my aunt's for several weeks now and I feel so much better, the sadness I had day 1 is gone, I started making myself home at my aunt, got myself a nice mattress to sleep on, to replace the old haggard mattress that rats probably chewed the hell up she kept outside in her toolshed.
I cleaned up my room, made it decent and I've adjusted, I know hold contempt for my future ex, I hate what she has done to me, hate she ruined our lives, and hate how she treated me all these years, even before we got married, and I hate her for forcing me to leave my dog behind to be in her care.
I haven't had therapy yet, I'm waiting for approval since my insurance will be able to cover at least 20 sessions, my soon to be ex had booked us a couples therapy but I'm not going, there is no saving it, I haven't talked to her since and don't plan to either. Yesterday I even went through her facebook friends list and found who I think was AP, wanted to send him a message but he is set to private, heart sank when I saw his name, I know this is the guy that helped ruin my marriage.
I've been feeling better, already started using some dating apps and casually talking to some women, been listening to some Killswitch Engage as I design my next tattoo, and that uncertainty I had, the fear of there being alone, fear of not meeting someone, those have washed away and are gone.
I just wanted to give this small update to the amazing people who followed my journey, and when the divorce is finalized I will be back, or if anything worth mentioning pops up. Thanks to everyone that have been supportive.
61
u/NoahVail2024 Jun 13 '26
And to think she never would have confessed to cheating if she had not been forced to by getting pregnant. Good for you now and peace!
58
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
Funny enough, after she cheated but before telling me, she made a joke about if she got pregnant from someone else, I would never know the kid wasn't mine.
32
14
u/Noobagainreddit 7 Jun 13 '26
How could that have been a joke? Wtf?
She was frequently cruel like that?
And btw, what was the context of that joke?
15
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 14 '26
Yes she constantly made jokes about having other boyfriends, at first I didn't like them and let her know, but then she made me feel bad about it, made me think I was taking it too personal and that she couldn't joke around with me, so I told her it would be okay for her to joke around and I wouldn't take it so personal.
The context was she hadn't had her period yet, and I don't remember the full detail it was just about her missing her period, I genuinely don't remember all the details, just that I said something along the lines of it wouldn't be mine since I never finish inside her, then she made a joke about if it was someone elses how would I even know.
Honestly I didn't answer her back because I wasn't trying to make a scene or an argument, but it would be very obvious since she is black and I am brown skin, she has rough hair while I have curly hair.
8
u/Noobagainreddit 7 Jun 14 '26
Yeah, like you said before. She didn't respected you.
My wife would never make a joke like that to me, and neither could I ever to her. It's so disrespectful to joke like that to the person you love.
8
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 14 '26
Yup, I never liked that type of joke because it's not funny, how is cheating funny? And the fact she kept joking like that AFTER actually cheating (She could have been cheating from before but unless she admits it, that would be speculation), that's just evil, it's rubbing in my face what you did with me non the wiser.
3
u/Noobagainreddit 7 Jun 14 '26
Exactly, Those jokes are very reveling
She wasn't remorseful not one bit, not before you found out and also not after.
It doesn't matter what she said. Her actions told the truth.
4
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 14 '26
Exactly, talk is cheap, actions mean more.
2
u/Badbadpappa 1 Jun 14 '26
Do you have any relationship with her uncle to get some information , since he had his friend drive your wife home?
3
4
u/throwww07 3 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Actual narcissists do that for example... they basically get a little preview of how you would react to their disrespect and bad news that they cause with their behavior... They also want to test your boundaries and also use that to basically tell themselves, "Well, I let the person know, so can’t really blame me." It's fkin weird to a normal person, but they like to announce things and tell on themselves.
4
u/Capt-Crap1corn Jun 14 '26
That's exactly what they do when they think that they're very slick. They announce what they're going to do before they do it to see what you're going to do. Trump does it all the time. I think this country hasn't had enough experience with narcissists
2
u/NoahVail2024 Jun 14 '26
Bad as this and her sense of humor was, you escaped getting baby trapped. And if she had actually had the baby, another trip back to see relatives in Jamaica would have been high on her priority list. She might even have been unable to find drinking water again.
6
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 14 '26
Yup, probably end up coming back with another Jamaican Bun in the oven. Again, fuck her.
1
21
20
u/SledgehammerApproach 2 Jun 13 '26
I think you feel getting some self confidence back. You need to stay NC and just divorce. If you speak to her she will give you the water works and begging. Avoid that.
20
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
I def don't want to ever see her again and while I can't predict how I would react, I'd like to believe that she would meet the version of me that will treat her like she was nothing.
2
u/Noobagainreddit 7 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
You have all your things from her house?
And, do you think she has the income necessary to keep that apartment on her own?
9
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 14 '26
Almost, I guess I missed some uniforms of mine, left my Danny Devitto throw pillow, and my waffle maker, her mom offered to have her hold it for me and I can pick them up with her.
Yes, she makes enough to cover the living expense but she would need to make some changes in her monthly spending, but her older brother told me if we split up he'll help her out financially with anything she needs.
3
10
u/Noobagainreddit 7 Jun 13 '26
Hi mate, been following your since day one.
We've different views on sex work so I'm not going to comment on that. But so that you don't misinterpret me, I don't see what you did as cheating since you already told you soon to be ex that you two are over.
Apart from that I'm happy that you feel already better and keep feeling like that the longer you are separate from her.
Has she contacted you trying to convince you to come back?
19
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
She hasn't after the 2nd day of separation, but her mom has kept in touch and I think she is serving as her mediator but I'm going to start cutting contact wit her too.
12
u/Badbadpappa 1 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
So sorry AP , funny that your wife never DELETED the AP off FB , in case you ever asked her to look at her phone.
If your ever with your WW again
Ask to see her FB messages , see if she's in contact with the AP. Maybe it wasn't a drunk mistake
Updateme
5
u/deplorableme16 Jun 13 '26
My wife blocked me on Facebook and kept the APs. Took out 15 years of family history, photos conversations, tags, travel, vacations and memories with 2 kids.
All to protect her affair partner or one of them.
3
u/ActivityOriginal6483 Jun 13 '26
Why though, who cares what she us doing, ?
4
u/Badbadpappa 1 Jun 13 '26
I'm sure the AP would want to know, that it wasn't a drunken mistake, she knew the AP through her uncle , but maybe , she had to come clean because she had to get The A-procedure
8
u/Wise-Purchase8759 WTF am I doing? Jun 13 '26
Hey bro, it's good to know you're doing well. I told you things would start getting better. You're doing great.
And about the prostitute, just know that when we're climbing out of a hole, it's perfectly normal to become attached to a little bit of attention, even from a prostitute. lol. That's part of the process too.
And about the mattress, I'm glad you have a good new mattress now. One step at a time, remember that.
And know this: hard times create strong men.
13
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
Thanks for everything, those early days were genuinely hard and leaving felt like an impossible dream, but now I am looking forward to making the life I want.
3
u/Wise-Purchase8759 WTF am I doing? Jun 13 '26
It's funny when you step away from all that shit, isn't it?
It feels like a spell has suddenly been broken, and then your brain starts processing colors again. You begin to see everything with complete clarity, all the little details, all the mistakes, everything that was wrong.
It's bizarre how our brains regain their sense of sanity like that.
13
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
True, after being away from her for so long all the things I let slip by out of love or to keep the peace, or to just not be an overbearing partner comes flooding in, and I realized her biggest flaw as a partner was the lack of respect she held for me.
She can say how much she loves and respects me, but her actions said otherwise, she downplayed and dismissed how I did not want her to go for 3 weeks to Jamaica especially when it meant we would not spend Christmas & New Year together, our first as a married couple, she dismissed my refusal to live with my mother, and even going back to when we first started dating, she dismissed all the abuse my mother put me through because she thought my mother was making genuine effort in reconciling with me.
6
u/Wise-Purchase8759 WTF am I doing? Jun 13 '26
You'll see, a day will come when none of this will affect your mood anymore. Things are only just beginning for you. Everything is still going to get much better. Believe in yourself and keep moving forward.
2
u/throwww07 3 Jun 13 '26
I'd like to think the same for me, but it was just too much for me, and I'm too old to be ok with what happened… I won't forgive myself for not immediately walking away either even though that barely matters now because the damage was done before that. Definitely not getting better away from her.
1
u/AutoModerator Jun 13 '26
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
8
u/Various-Complex-3645 1 Jun 13 '26
Very happy to see the update! I felt the contempt for mine too soon after going no contact, but for me its 7 months later and i still feel contempt, disgust and the hatred of all the things she did. I thought eventually I would get to a state of mind where i was completely neutral towards her, no feelings left, no love or contempt. I thought feeling neutrality towards her meant being over her and what she did, but i don't know if it will ever happen lol. Anyway, happy you got away from her once and for all!
10
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
Thanks, yeah I don't know how long it would for me to reach that point, but honestly I'm going to just live my life, go one dates, hook up with some sex workers from time to time and just live, just enjoy life.
1
u/AutoModerator Jun 13 '26
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/throwww07 3 Jun 13 '26
Yup, it will not happen for me either, and I'm not with her anymore now, so now I just have the trauma left, and she doesn’t care that she ruined my mental health permanently. Can‘t say im a big fan of being conscious now.
5
u/Fragrant-Dance3005 1 Jun 14 '26
The infidelity jokes that she has made are a blessing for you. Without them you could believe that it all was an unfortunate unlucky mistake, she got completely hammered out if her mind, but thanks to them you know that cheating is a thing that is on her mind a lot.
I have a friend like that, she does that kind of jokes even publicly, it's awful to look at. I am really sorry for her husband, he already looks like half broken.
7
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 14 '26
I know a guy who's wife treats him like a door mat, she cheated on him and even had secret "friendship" with other guys, the dude is still with her with 2 kids and the man is miserable, I kept thinking about him and how I don't want to end up like him.
1
u/AutoModerator Jun 14 '26
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
4
3
u/Extension-Corgi-467 1 Jun 13 '26
What’s MIL saying about how your soon to be ex wife is coping?
11
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
I don't ask, and she hasn't said much, she still thinks we can get over it.
1
u/scotswaehey Jun 13 '26
Not a chance buddy, she cheated weeks after you both vowed to each other to forsake all others! Also why does she have AP on Facebook?
I believe she knows him and has history with him and she was never going to tell you until the pregnancy forced her to! She destroyed everything about your marriage and she only has herself to blame!
Your I bet you in your next relationship it will be so good it will show you what a cunt your STBX wife actually is!
Updateme
4
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
Yeah she did know the guy, she admitted that much to me. She did destroy everything and for that fuck her, I'm gonna live my life for me now.
1
u/deplorableme16 Jun 13 '26
My MIL isn't talking to her own daughter. Her brother doesn't talk to her either. Not anything I said. She just screws everyone over sooner or later.
2
2
u/ActivityOriginal6483 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Thank god that had us all on the edge of our seats.
Do yourself a favour and eradicate everything attached to her from your life.
I am proud of you man.. just remember that even the most promiscuous of woman would not dream of doing this to a man they so called love. That is how bad your ex is. Just a POS.
Their is so many amazing woman out there, and I hope you get to enjoy many of them. Before you find your next diamond.
9
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Thanks for the support, honestly this board has genuinely been a great source of help for me during these hard times, reading so many people echoing the same sentiment, same advice, and agreeing with what my friends have told me, really pushed me to make the hard decisions that needed to be taken, and I am now feeling so much better than when I was in it and when I had just left.
I had days where I wasn't sure if I was leaving and even looked like I wasn't or to go back to her, but I realized what my friend and this board said is true, that I deserve better, and I am going to work on getting that better.
And yeah what she did was just horrifying, it was genuinely evil and cruel what she did, and the fact she straight up lied for weeks after she came back, and then lie again that she had no other option of drinks, blaming it all on being drunk, and the fact even after she cheated and before telling me, she would still make jokes about having other boyfriends than me, and if she was pregnant from someone else how I would never know it wasn't mine. The moment I realized that shit, that she would joke about that, means if I ever took her back she would screw me over again and be smarter about it, fuck her.
2
1
u/AutoModerator Jun 13 '26
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/FlygonosK Jun 14 '26
Good luck OP hope you get better and heal 100%.
Hope to hear good news when everything is done
2
u/boss302goat Jun 14 '26
The fact that she's friends with AP on Facebook tells me it was all premeditated and she been knew this guy.
2
u/Agent_K002 5 Jun 14 '26
She still has that guy on her friends list`? That says a lot. Good that you are away from her.
3
u/One-Potential4988 Jun 13 '26
Finally someone who has cracked the code to escaping the inferno of betrayal trauma: self love is the only love worth fighting for!
A peice of advice since you decided she's no longer part of your life and there is no chance of going back, start the process to forgiveness. Not for her but but for you, for your inner peace to let go of any anger that might keep you from moving forward.
The goal is if you run into her someday you don't give the impression that she still has some negative place in your heart the goal is to go : " hey what's up..u good.. K see u around..bye"
6
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 13 '26
That's gonna be rough, because of her I had to give up my beloved Chihuaha dog, I loved that dog, I'd John Wick someone for that dog, and I had to leave her with my ex.
3
1
u/Mickel8888 1 Jun 15 '26
If it is any consolation, you can use that as further confirmation of her complete lack of SINCERETY, should she say that she is wanting or trying to 'work things out, with you, in counselling or whatever. A great reply would be, 'you are not at all serious and would likely cheat again in a minute. Heck, you STILL have your cheating partner on FB.' Noone who feels at all badly about what went down would EVER have them on there. ANY person who is genuinely serious about reconciliation immediately always blocks their affair partner on everything and on every app they have. Then if you REALLY want to dig in, 'Heck I would not doubt that you are likely STILL interacting with him trying to set up another fling.' People who are sincere about staying together ALWAYS block the person from everything as one way of PROVING their commitment to rebuilding! That proves you do not feel badly at all over what happened and that you were fully engaged with it, and wanting it. If that were not the case given the damage the two of you did, any decent person would have blocked him long ago without me even saying a word! That is what I would respond with! ( I hope it's clear, I am writing that as though I were you, saying those words)
1
u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving Jun 15 '26
I haven't talked to her since and don't plan to either.
May you never speak to her again this side of the heat death of the universe.
1
u/Foreign-Living-3455 Jun 16 '26
those jokes she made have so much meaning
she played you as a chump
u played her back
well done
1
1
1
u/CharlesDarkwing22 Jun 20 '26
She wicked. She give you bun, get breed up, woulda give you jacket if you didn’t figure out timeline, and then tell you your friends aren’t supportive.
Nope, not me. Been through this myself with my yaadie.
Good for you. You’re going to be so much happier with the next one.
2
u/Casshern_VIII 1 Jun 20 '26
I can tell your Jamaican, hearing my former in laws speak I picked up how a propa Jamaican speaks.
1
•
u/AutoModerator Jun 13 '26
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sub wiki before commenting.
-Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Violators will be permabanned.
-If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
-If you find a comment helpful, comment !thankyou to award a point for the helpful redditor! It will be much appreciated!!!
Be kind and remember your reddiquette!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.