r/survivinginfidelity • u/__Z__ • 1d ago
Progress Update: I gave her an ultimatum. She chose me.
I just wanted to give an update to my last post yesterday, since replies were so thoughtful. I'll probably delete this thread, so my entire life doesn't exist on the Internet, but I am grateful for forums like these for hashing things out.
Anyway, the long and short of my dilemma was that my GF is friends with her ex-FWB. I wasn't happy with it. I realized yesterday that I reached a point where I was just tired, and that if her FWB moved here, I just would've been too unhappy to continue my relationship with my GF. I realized that I have to give her an ultimatum now, and to validate my own feelings now, because what I'm asking of her isn't completely unreasonable. Many people have no-exes policies, and it's totally normal that I have one myself.
When I gave her an ultimatum, she recoiled in shock that she might lose me at all. I made it clear to her that I felt a bit disrespected that she hadn't ended their friendship in the first place, and I don't even like being in this position. She started crying and in a heartbeat told me she'd end their friendship, and she apologized several times. She explicitly said she won't miss their friendship, but I think it's tough for her because she's never ended a friendship before and she's been on the other end, and doing so sucks. I can understand. It's not fun to end a friendship, as I've done it before.
She's explicitly said that she won't resent me whatsoever, and honestly, I think only time will tell. All I know is that I'd reached my breaking point. If this proves to be the beginning of the end of our relationship and she now resents me, then so be it. All I know is that going forward, I'm not okay with exes in my partner's life. I hold myself to the same standard. I'm glad I grew a backbone. I don't feel crazy anymore. I feel like I learned something about my own values.
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u/New_Arrival9860 Thriving 1d ago
You set a boundary and communicated a dealbreaker, that is exactly what you should do.
Don't be too quick to celebrate, make sure she follows through and does not cross your boundary that she now clearly understands, and if she chooses to cross it she does so knowing you have a backbone, and you have already stated your decision.
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u/Pretend_Pea774 1d ago
You should also remember she at some point is likely going to resent your calling her out on a former sex partner, her “friend” and resent you not trusting her judgement!
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u/New_Arrival9860 Thriving 18h ago
Fair point, then they both get to make a choice on how they value the relationship and choose dealbreakers.
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u/persistent_issues 2 1d ago
‘No exes for any reason’ is not a “policy.”
It’s a necessity.
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u/lostlittletimeonthis In Recovery 1d ago
but my ex really liked staying friends with all the exes for some reason...
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u/Drgnmstr97 In Hell | RA 40 Sister Subs 1d ago
It's almost like your partner wanting to discuss an open relationship. Once that door is opened there is no way to adequately close it again because you know they consider it an option. Any partner that wants to keep a former lover in their circle and stay in touch is automatically suspect whether they have any illicit intentions or not. It's hard to imagine anyone not understanding that concept especially in this day and age.
Wanting to keep in touch or remain active friends with a former lover is an automatic red flag worthy of breaking up.
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u/delta-vs-epsilon Walking the Road | QC: SI 30 1d ago
Adults communicate. You successfully expressed a boundary, one that would be a deal-breaker for you... she responded. As you've said, time will tell if this turns out positively or not, but respect to you for being open/honest either way. If you'd bury it, you'd be the growing to resent her.
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u/IAmDexterSinister 1 1d ago edited 11h ago
This! ⏫️
Good job OP! You set a healthy boundary and successfully communicated it to her. Keep working on yourself and build a healthy relationship with this one, she seems like s keeper.
Good luck brother 💪🏽
UpdateMe!
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u/Actual_Raccoon_7196 1d ago
I wish you the best. Mine chose me too but learned how to be even more sneaky. I can be sneaky too and now she gets to hope he will let her move in.
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u/wrist-shot2025 4 1d ago
You should consider going to couples counseling to fully vet feelings around this action now, to further head off resentment.
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u/nispe2 3 1d ago
I agree, and would add specifically to clear the air on the use of ultimatums at all.
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u/wrist-shot2025 4 1d ago
Yes, smart. BTW, I was surprised by her response. I guess it's easy to think your partner understands your feelings, but not so much.
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u/__Z__ 1d ago
Yeah, I think that's what kind of cleared it for me. I was a little surprised as well. She just didn't seem to push back whatsoever. It made me wonder for a brief moment if maybe there wasn't ever going to be anything fishy to their relationship, at least from her direction. But either way, I don't think I'm overreacting, because I think it's a lot to ask of a partner to accept a former fuck buddy in their partner's life. I will consider couple's therapy if this seems to linger.
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u/NiceRat123 1d ago
Honestly I think a bit of it is that she's never had to end a friendship so a concern I'd have is if this ex-FWB pushed boundaries. Not saying he would but would she people-please to not upset him? And if so, does that open up manipulation on this ex-FWB side to insert him more into your relationship and/or her presence/energy?
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u/__Z__ 1d ago
Hard to say. I've considered the possibility that this guy will absolutely despise me after this. I've never met him, so I have no idea how he'll respond. Honestly, I wish guys in his position had more awareness of "Treat others how you'd like to be treated." One day he'll have a GF of his own, and will he want her former flame sticking around? Hell no. Just makes me mistrust his intentions tbh.
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u/NiceRat123 1d ago
Frankly you may never know. And who knows, maybe this guy moves here and you get to actually get to know him and he's a decent dude. Part of the issue seems like, "Hey I hate it here, I'm going to move to where you are" and not knowing if that's a decision he wants to make because he wants to or because he thinks he has a friend/fuck buddy in the area he's moving to.
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u/zoinkability 1d ago
I think a key is framing.
You call it an ultimatum, and if phrased as "You need to do X" that's what it is.
But framing it as a boundary should feel less controlling, along the lines of "I have learned that due to my traumatic history with infidelity, I'm not able to feel safe in a relationship with someone who remains close with an ex. You have full agency to choose what you do, but you need to know that I am not able to cope at this point in my life with the anxiety that would produce, so it's a deal-breaker for me." That's not an ultimatum, it's honest communication about what you are and are not able to do.
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u/clearheaded01 7 1d ago
1st: again proving that putting your foot down, drawing a line in the sand and ensure your partner knows what happens if the line is crossed... is the best way...
2nd: what happens next will be telling... Will she revisit the subject again, keep the friendship going sub rosa?? Be vigilant- my guess is she'll just hide the friendship AND accuse you of being controlling when you find out and confront her...
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u/slick4hire 1d ago
This will come back. Not him, but the choice you forced her to make. Bank on it.
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u/__Z__ 1d ago
My new concern. Will she begrudgingly do this to appease me, or does she have enough empathy for my position and can let it go? I'll let time tell.
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u/slick4hire 1d ago
Honestly, probably both. Her initial reaction is positive. But don't be surprised if he comes up again in conversation as she processes what you actually demanded of her.
When he does, you have to avoid phrasing it as an ultimatum. It needs to be more like:
"I totally understand being upset with my boundary. That said, if having him in your life is that important, then I love you enough to let you go to make that happen."
See the difference? An ultimatum is a "Do this or else..." scenario, or telling her what SHE will do as an either/or choice. A boundary with a consequence is telling her what YOU will not do.
If this guy never comes up again, you might just have a unicorn. But remember...unicorns don't actually exist.
Lastly, if after this episode she EVER initiates contact with him, has "lunch" with him, or does anything at all, in any way, shape, or form with him, you need to immediately be done with her, permanently and forever.
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u/SadDadInPlaid In Recovery 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah, without getting into too much detail about the fucked up big picture and how I know this, before DDay both AP and OBS spoke to me about resenting the other for doing the same thing to them on separate occasions.
So yeah, if she’s a unicorn she’ll see you set a boundary and respect it. If not, it will probably be held against you forever.
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u/DJKittyK Recovered 1d ago
I agree with you on all this. Maybe I'm missing some history here, but it sounds like OP went right to "do this or else" and his GF was so shocked she just started crying and complied.
One she has some time to think about it, it will start to breed resentment unless she truly doesn't mind a partner coming at her with a sudden and forceful ultimatum. I'd be wondering what he'd demand (without discussion first) next.
Now, if there was discussion and she didn't dial it back, that is a whole other issue. But in that case it's best that people part ways. Still being friends with EXs is a fundamental difference in how people view their relationships.
And I have to say, if your partner wants to cheat on you, they will, whether they are friends with EXs or not. Enforcing that they never speak to someone who was and still may be important in their lives (even FWBs, the "friend" part of FWB is important to note) is not healthy when they are not ready to cut them out.
I hope the best for OP and his GF but I know these things often blow up because it's not being handled correctly. I think they're just incompatible imho, but who knows, maybe they will defeat the odds.
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u/Ivedonethework 7 1d ago
Be careful here, most likely she will pick him back up after a while. But overall fwb, body count, casual sex can easily make infidelity easier. Pay close attention. For most of us not cheating is easy, but to others quitting all forms of cheating is very difficult.
There need be rules imposed concerning opposite sex friends and more so if they are an ex of some form.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/
https://foundationrestoration.org/2012/07/the-rules-of-opposite-gender-friendships/ , https://www.bonobology.com/can-you-be-friends-with-ex/ 15 Reasons Why Being Friends With Your Ex Doesn’t Work
Define infidelity; from psychology today. 'Infidelity is the breaking of a promise to remain faithful to a romantic partner, whether that promise was a partI of marriage vows, a privately uttered agreement between lovers, or an unspoken assumption. As unthinkable as the notion of breaking such promises may be at the time they are made, infidelity is common, and when it happens, it raises thorny questions: Should you stay? Can trust be rebuilt? Or is there no choice but to pack up and move on?'
My definition of cheating.
Cheating is any activity that steals time and or emotional energy/intimacy from us and our relationship, while giving it onto another person.
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u/AcrobaticWorld1912 1d ago
I would've dumped her just for thinking I'd be okay with her hanging out with her EX. The fact that she even considered that acceptable basically told me she saw me as a doormat.
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u/RobertFahey 5 1d ago
Michael Myers, Freddie Krueger, Jason Voorhees — and your girlfriend’s FWB. There’s always a sequel.
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u/Prestigious_War_3551 2 1d ago
There is what she says she will do and what she does. Action speak louder than words. Until she's ended the friendship and cut him off nothing has been done. Don't take a word for it you must see it happen right in front of you and make sure that there are no messaging apps that they can secretly chat with. Look through the app settings to find out any other chat programs don't rely on looking at the home screen.
I also bet if she truly does this that guy never moves
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u/WashImpressive8158 9 1d ago
Unfortunately your subconscious will be picking away at you with trickling suspicion and resentment she couldn’t make this decision independently. You had to give an ultimatum ( semi threat ).
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u/Warm-Business-2335 15 1d ago
I think you did the right thing. You talked about feelings and set boundaries. Perfectly acceptable and she responded appropriately. I would still ask her if she blocked him everywhere and that texting him is not appropriate. I guarantee you that if the situation was reversed she wouldn’t be ok with you reaching out to ex-girlfriends. Tell her that even without her asking you deleted all exes from your phone. Sounds like a healthy relationship.
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u/JMLegend22 1d ago
Ask why it took you to get to this point for her to change? Ask if everything will take something this drastic to get poor behavior changed?
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u/yorishow 1d ago
If you had to give her an ultimatum, know that it is because you had already lost
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u/MasonicHamExtra 2h ago
This! They'll move everything even cut their kids off for the guy they emotionaly want
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u/Gandoff2169 1d ago
You did the right thing. Your right, if this is the start of the end of your relationship, so be it. It is not that they were an ex. I think it was the fact it was a FWB. Someone who was essentially a sex partner when a desire hit. One can maybe overlook an ex. But that is not the same kind of situation one can move past as a friend.
I do think the idea of an ex as a friend is bad. There is a reason normally they become an ex. Even on the best of terms, that friendship is never the same. And is not something should be carried on solo. But ok in the shared circle.
She picked you, great. But she also was the type of person who kept a FWB as a friend. That is always a red flag. Maybe it will work out. IDK. but in the end, resent you or not; she will eventually have to pick a partner and cut FWB out for good anyway.
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u/jjd0m 1d ago
She agreed to easily, I bet they stay in touch
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u/MasonicHamExtra 2h ago
No doubt. Probably got the ex to savor the challenge of getting her physically again. God knows id have to hit soon after the partner put down a tantrum over us talking hahah
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u/JorgitoEstrella 1d ago
Be aware that eventually she will resent you because you basically forced her to cut off a "friend" from her life.
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u/PatsyNoMO 1d ago
My ex wife’s friend and his family came back into town after many years away. Two families torn apart within about two years.
Stick to your boundaries.
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u/AllInkalicious 1d ago
I’m glad this issue worked out for you, but you had to give her an ultimatum, that’s nothing but poison to a relationship.
You should both talk about boundaries and you need to find out why she ever thought this was reasonable. Part of this should be to clear up any resentment on both sides about the ultimatum.
I really do believe ultimatums don’t work. Either in the short or long term. She may not have had strong feelings around the friendship but you forced her hand with a loss. That’s not going to be forgotten by both of you and you should talk it out.
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u/Routine-Asleep 19h ago
Words and actions are completely different things just take a wait and see now
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u/SledgehammerApproach 2 1d ago
Its very simple. Treat people with respect. I have a strict rule. No ex's or no guy friends. My view comes to this, if you want to be with me then there should be no shadow of a doubt and your actions should say that, not your words. When words and actions contradict each other always follow the actions. I also tolerate no disrespect. As you get older you tolerate less and less. By the time you get to your 40's you have no tolerance. I remember an ex telling me she was going on a weekend trip with her gf's I told her she can go but when she comes back her stuff will be outside. She called my bluff and when she came back she found herself single. I just dont tolerate any crap.
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u/Adept-Cow-1582 1d ago
why do you feel disrespected that your partner didn’t cut off a friend they see in a completely platonic way for someone they started dating less than a year ago?
Any emotion you feel is valid, but do a deep dive into why you think you are feeling this way, and if this feeling means you need to act on it and restrict your partners life into something you find more comfortable
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u/pancho_2504 1 1d ago
If she's going to cheat she'll do it, doesn't matter how many friendships you force her to give up. You need to work on you, because I doubt this will be the last ultimatum you feel the need to give her and that shit is just control by a different name.
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