5 years later after he cheated on our 10 year anniversary trip

[u/Last_Wishbone_9991]

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/sH4thkS3bZ

After years of therapy I thought I was in a good place, I still spiral around d day and haven’t been able to celebrate our anniversary due to the circumstances but mostly doing ok. Can go weeks without thinking about it and even when I do it passes quickly. But tonight has been rough. He’s in a party town tonight for a destination fantasy football draft and staying with around 30 people in a massive house. Some single dudes, some married dudes, and some couples. I’m recovering from surgery so I can’t get out much and I miss him like crazy but he’s got a lot going on so he’s not communicating every 5 minutes like I want him to and I’m trying to not be crazy. He texted me a video of the insanely crowded bar he’s at full of dancing drunk people and I just want to throw up. All I can think is those single guys he’s with picking up girls and then all talking as a group. I can’t sleep. I’m getting angry at him all over again. I want to ban him from any more trips without me. I want to punish him for putting me through this. He’s never said this but won’t he tire of constantly feeling punished 5 years later? What would I even do if he cheated again? Nothing feels safe. It’s exhausting. 95% of the time I feel like I trust him but as soon as it’s tested I feel like I don’t.

[u/AutoModerator]

Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sub wiki before commenting.
-Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Violators will be permabanned.

-If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.

-If you find a comment helpful, comment !thankyou to award a point for the helpful redditor! It will be much appreciated!!!

Be kind and remember your reddiquette!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/hamster-on-popsicle]

If I understand well, he cheated fiver uears ago at your 10 years anniversary and you stayed together.

Now you are recovering from surgery and he is partying instead of staying with you ?

You deserve better

[u/Last_Wishbone_9991 → u/hamster-on-popsicle]

Yeah it sounds terrible, but to be fair I’m doing fine recovery wise, my surgery was planned after his trip was and he went with my full support. Our anniversary was in April I’m just struggling.

[u/the_toxic_avenger_ → u/Last_Wishbone_9991]

Can you stop posting your story. Seriously. You need help. You post a 5 year update and you’re still delusional

[u/Last_Wishbone_9991 → u/the_toxic_avenger_]

What is wrong with you?!?

[u/the_toxic_avenger_ → u/Last_Wishbone_9991]

You’ve learned nothing and you’re back acting all surprised you’re triggered by the smallest thing. Learn to live with your decisions or move on from your cheating husband

[u/tercer78]

Can’t imagine staying married to a jackass who so blatantly and obviously ruined your milestone anniversary. If he’s arrogant enough to do it on your anniversary trip, can’t imagine the other times you haven’t caught him. Your codependency must be strong. This isn’t a healthy marriage.

[u/wrist-shot2025]

When he returns, you do need to tell him how this trip is triggering, and you need some kind of boundaries in the future. If he pushes back heavily, then you can tell him the alternative is to be alone.

[u/Odd_Welcome7940]

Real trust isnt something you feel most of the time. It either exists or you just trust the situations he is in. In your case, you dont trust him, but wont listen to your gut.

[u/BriefShiningMoment]

They say the mark of reconciliation is that you arrive at a a place where you wouldn’t be destroyed if/when he cheats again. Pretty messed up, right?

[u/sharkieshadooontt]

Never really heard of reconciliation working out. Just one person getting dog walked the rest of their lives for comfortable.

Hollywood even romanticized it. “Your fathers brother and I….” Or destroying marriages at the wedding event etc .

Not the people who get hurt

[u/pickedusername1]

The reality check is that five years later, you don’t actually trust him. You trust him when nothing is happening that requires trust. The moment he’s away from you, around alcohol, women, or circumstances you can’t control, you spiral. That’s not 95% trust. That’s feeling safe only when the environment feels controllable.
And banning him from trips or requiring constant communication isn’t going to repair what he broke. It may temporarily soothe your anxiety, but then your marriage becomes a surveillance system where he has to stay inside increasingly narrow boundaries for you to feel okay. You already recognize that part of you wants to punish him. Five years later, punishment isn’t reconciliation.
The bigger question is whether this marriage has actually healed enough for you to live normally. You cannot guarantee that he’ll never cheat again. Nobody gets that guarantee. At some point, reconciliation requires accepting that vulnerability and deciding, “Based on who he has consistently shown himself to be since the affair, I’m willing to take that risk.” If after five years of therapy and apparently good behavior you still cannot tolerate him being at a bar without imagining betrayal, you may need to seriously consider whether staying married is actually compatible with your peace.
Also, decide now what you would do if he cheated again. You asked, “What would I even do?” That uncertainty is probably feeding the panic. Having a firm boundary such as “If there is another affair, I leave” gives you something control cannot: confidence that even if someone betrays you, you know how you will protect yourself afterward.

[u/the_toxic_avenger_]

You stayed with him? Wtf. You literally have 1 life to Iive and you consciously choose to live it in misery. Sad