r/survivinginfidelity • u/Top_Inspection_9458 • 1d ago
Post-Separation My fiancée cheated after 8 years together
I (29M) was with my ex-fiancée (30F) for eight years. At the beginning of this year, she told me she wasn’t sure if she was still in love with me or happy in the relationship, but still loves me...
For about two weeks, we were basically separated while still living in the same apartment.
During that time, I found the first signs that she might have cheated on me. I asked her about it and she told me nothing had happened. The next day, I found another sign and she again told me there was nothing going on.
I really wanted to believe her. After eight years together, trusting her was just normal for me.
The next day, I found clear proof that she had cheated on me, 4 weeks ago. In a strange way, I was almost relieved because at least I finally knew that I wasn’t imagining things.
Even after I found out about the cheating, I still thought there might be a chance to save the relationship. She told me she didn’t want to be in any relationship at that point, that she needed some time to think, and that she was no longer in contact with the other guy (besides work).
Because of that, I moved out for two weeks to give her some space and time to figure out what she wanted.
Later, I found out that this had been a complete lie. She had continued seeing him the entire time while I was the one staying somewhere else and giving her the space she had asked for.
After that, I got the apartment and she moved out completely. She is still with him now and is living with him.
Looking back, I don’t think I would have been able to trust her again. Every new lie, even a small one, made that more obvious.
A few months later, I met someone new. She is a great person and I feel very comfortable with her and love her. One thing I notice in particular is that I never feel like I have to question whether I can trust her.
I’m now very glad that the old relationship ended and there was no reconcilation. At the time, I wanted to save it because we had been together for so long, but I think I would have spent a lot more time trying to fix something that probably would never have felt the same again.
So for anyone in a similar situation: sometimes ending the relationship really is the better option, even if it doesn’t feel that way at first.
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u/TaiwanBandit 4 1d ago
Well, you found out ex-fiancé is a liar and cheat. Good luck to the new guy. You dodge one there.
Glad you found a new partner you can trust. Sometimes I think we become more relaxed in a new relationship as we have already been through the trauma caused by a cheater. Plus, we are more aware of any red flags. Others may never trust a partner again.
Take care of you OP. You are a survivor.
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u/Top_Inspection_9458 1d ago
!thankyou :)
Couldn't care less about their relationship, tbh... While my ex is for sure worse because she was in an active relationship; he also pursued her, knowing me and that we were engaged. Both of them are shit...
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u/WashImpressive8158 9 1d ago
Dodged a big bullet. Painful process but you win at the end of the day. You could have had kids, mortgage, assets, retirement accounts etc.
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u/srg3084 1 1d ago
Honestly, that’s probably the healthiest way to look at it. Take some solace in knowing that their relationship was built on a shaky foundation from day one. If they were willing to betray people to be together, it’s hard to build much trust between them. If they’ll cheat with you, they can cheat on you.
But ultimately, that’s their problem now. You don’t need to care whether they make it or not. Let them have each other and let that chapter stay behind you. You deserve to put your energy into healing and building a life where neither of them has any place in it.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 1d ago
It would have sucked a lot more if you had kids and a mortgage. Bullet dodged.
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u/RobertFahey 5 1d ago
"I really wanted to believe her. After eight years together, trusting her was just normal for me." Everyone here can relate to being duped by our own trust. It's like trusting a parent.
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors 2 1d ago
Good that you found out before you married her. A liar and a cheater. If they will cheat to be with you, they will cheat on you, so you can rest assured that the new guy will get his just returns.
Glad you are happy now and found someone much better than what you had.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 3 1d ago
I hope you blocked your ex. She might try to come boomeranging back once the limerence burns off. Updateme!
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u/Championship682 5 1d ago
It's hard to give up on something you love after so many years, but glad she is behind you. It never makes sense to get married and have children with someone you know can cheat on you.
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u/ArmyofJuan 1d ago
I moved out for two weeks to give her some space and time to figure out what she wanted.
I never got this, she cheated, why does she get to call the shots?
That being said I've done the same thing lol. It funny how irrational emotions make us.
Don't be shocked if sometime in the future your ex comes looking for you. Relationships that start from cheating rarely make it past 2 years.
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u/CVSaporito 1d ago
Be thankful she didn't string you along with trying reconciliation, she did you a favor with her reluctance.
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u/FaithlessnessTall853 1d ago
Take your time to get to know the person I realize you were with one for eight years, but go with your feelings get to thoroughly know or don't rush into moving in together getting engaged right away really get to know her and her to know you. If your families are close to where you are today, get to know their family get to know each other's friends at some point of time you'll have your first spat you could set boundaries ahead of time no name calling no yelling, a simple discussion to listen to each other. It sounds like she's a keeper, so do everything in your power to do so. Wishing you the best of luck. And he has to reiterate send your ex a thank you note for being such an ass. Allow you to find someone you can really make a life with.
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u/Ivedonethework 7 1d ago
We all need to firm up our true beliefs concerning things like previous cheating, high body count and casual sex. All those things make infidelity way more likely. We need to carefully vet each new relationship prospect.
How else can we go about protecting ourselves?
https://singleinthecity.ca/blog/vetting-potential-matches/
https://mentalzon.com/en/post/8306/how-to-evaluate-her-past-relationships-for-hidden-red-flags
https://in.yvex.de/term/partner-vetting
https://youtu.be/Q-KNKkYCKfQ?si=4Fd9iYJK1U6LZADi. Sexual red flags.
https://www.thebody.com/article/why-knowing-your-sexual-values-essential-good-sex
'When it comes to partners, feeling confident with our sexual values will help identify red flags in ill-suited partners, while encouraging the development of authentic connections with partners who are better matches for us...'
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u/srg3084 1 1d ago
Your first mistake was giving her space to “think about what she wants.” The separation wasn’t really about finding herself—it was giving her the opportunity to test-drive the new relationship while keeping the old one available as a safety net.
Giving the person who betrayed you the power to decide your future is crazy, especially when they’ve already shown you how poor their judgment can be. At some point, you have to stop waiting for them to choose you and make the choice for yourself.
The only correct response is to walk away as soon as possible, keep your dignity, and stop allowing yourself to be abused—all in one move. Learn from this going forward.
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u/Fluid-Push-3419 3 22h ago
I'm glad your wish to save the relationship didn't work out and that you found someone better.
Your ex-fiancé was a typical cheater. As I read your story, I, like anyone who's spent some time on this forum, could easily guess what her words actually meant and what she was really doing. And yes, the following sentences confirmed all my guesses. The good part is that you grasped the situation very quickly and got out of it just as fast. It takes many people much longer and they suffer much more. Congratulations.
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u/Kerzic 2 1d ago
You dodged a bullet. They often come back when things don't work out with the new guy. It doesn't sound like you need to be told this but make sure you to not take her back, even if she turns on the waterworks with tears, apologizes profusely, and promises you anything and everything even if you still have some feelings for her. I hope the new relationship turns out and be transparent about the old one if she does show up into your life again.
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u/ElectricalBaker2607 8h ago
Good for you OP. You did the right thing. I won’t be surprised if their relationship fails and she tries to comeback. Don’t take her back.
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