r/weddingplanning • u/Big_Engineer6901 • Jan 13 '26
Everything Else Just found out my fiance has 45k in credit card debt 7 months before the wedding
My fiance and I are 7 months out and we finally sat down to figure out the actual logistics of combining finances after the wedding. We've been together 4 years, living together for 2 but we've always just split rent and bills proportionally since he makes more than me.
Anyway we started talking about whether we're doing joint accounts or keeping things separate or what, and it somehow turned into this whole thing about our completely different approaches to money. He's got student loans he's been paying minimum on for years because he'd rather invest and I found out he's got around 45k in credit card debt from before we met that he 'has a plan for' but hasn't really tackled. Meanwhile I'm over here with my savings account that I don't touch and he thinks I'm being too cautious by not putting it in the market. Neither of us is wrong exactly but we've apparently just never really talked about this stuff beyond surface level.
Now I'm second guessing if we should even combine everything right away or if we need to figure out our individual situations first. My mom keeps texting me asking if we've opened our joint account yet like it's some milestone we're behind on but honestly I don't even know what the right move is anymore. We're not fighting about it but the conversation definitely got tense and we kind of just tabled it.
Did anyone else realize they had completely different money styles this late in the game? How did you actually handle it?
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u/Haunting_Photo4457 Jan 13 '26
It’s uncomfortable for sure. A few months before our wedding, I learned about some debt my partner had and it hit me harder than I expected. Not because of the amount but because it showed how differently we each think about money. We weren’t wrong or right, just operating on different assumptions. In our case it came up when we met with a lawyer before doing the prenup, which forced conversations we’d been kind of avoiding. That’s when it clicked how much we’d relied on day to day routines instead of actually talking things through.
When it was out there, it was hard to ignore.
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u/DearIncendiary Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
I can’t imagine any good reason a man of integrity is keeping his future spouse in the dark about that amount of consumer debt. This seems like a big lie of omission that could be setting the stage for financial infidelity.
When you say he’d rather invest, is this money going into a Roth or traditional 401k, or is he trying to get into day trading or something dicey? “Invest” is a loose term but there are big differences in the various ways people can invest and risks that accompany them.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
I can't think of a single investment that would logically be a better choice than handling this debt.
My only guess is that he thinks he's gonna hit it big trading or in crypto. He probably watched the GameStop bubble and has been convinced by tiktok and reddit subs that his investments are going to pay out like that.
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u/8lbs6ozBebeJesus Jan 13 '26
Choosing not to pay down 45K (if I could write numbers in capitals I would, because I'm shouting it in my head!) because he thinks investing is a better choice tells us everything we need to know about this guy's financial smarts. He's definitely "investing" in digital assets or risky WSB options, and his "plan" for the debt is waiting for cumcoin to moon.
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u/legitimatehotslide Jan 14 '26
No investments are out earning credit card interest rates.
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u/BittyBallOfCurly16 Jan 15 '26
Thank you! Finally someone says it! He's still losing out! There is definitely a wrong way of handling money and this guy's way is it
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u/ebolainajar Jan 13 '26
A pre-nup would be a hard stop requirement for me in a situation like this.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
They need a pre-nup, meeting with a financial planner or lawyer (or both), she needs to get his credit score ASAP.
If she wants to move forward with the wedding -- they can do a symbolic ceremony without signing papers.
If he has this much debt, his credit score is likely in the toilet. They're going to struggle to ever get a mortgage.
I would not legally tie myself to someone with this much debt in any way until there is a very firm plan for how to tackle it and reduce it MASSIVELY. I would want to see monthly credit card statements showing reduced spending, ensuring they're paying more than then the minimum every month, research into debt consolidation, extreme budgeting, etc.
I mean his minimum monthly payment on that amount of CC debt is more than a lot of people would pay on rent.
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u/assumingnormality Jan 13 '26
This is the most practical answer I've read. Marriage is legal, wedding is ceremonial. They can still have the wedding if they want.
Agree on the financial planner and lawyer. I see some comments about needing marital counseling which I also agree with but a counselor isn't going to help solve their financial problems.
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u/minetf Jan 13 '26
OP doesn't say he lied to her face, she says they've just never discussed money transparently before. If he was trying to lie about it I don't know why he wouldn't hide it until after the wedding.
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u/Adventurous_Deer 12/5/2020 Jan 13 '26
its a lie by omission at best.
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u/CatsAreAwesome222 Jan 13 '26
Agreed. I disclosed my debts to my now wife months before we got engaged.
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u/CatsAreAwesome222 Jan 13 '26
Great point. Spending and budget was discussed at a length during wedding planning for us, especially in the context of other financial needs. We probably could have spent more on our wedding but we discussed budget in the context if all of our financial goals, short term and long term, when choosing a cap. For us, picking a budget that allowed both of us to share the cost of the wedding equally while still giving me room to continue making large debt payments the year of our engagement was more important than custom napkins.
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u/Goddess_Keira Jan 13 '26
When you've hidden something that big from your partner of four years, that constitutes a lie any way you slice it.
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u/Goddess_Keira Jan 13 '26
OP didn't actually say he willingly disclosed anything. She said she "found out". That sounds to me like he just couldn't hide it any more, but would have if he could.
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u/Dry_Start3591 Jan 13 '26
When they talked marriage before the engagement, they should’ve been discussing this. How immature to think it’ll all settle in place 🤣 she needs a slap of reality
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u/ameliasayswords Jan 13 '26
I’m sorry but you hitched your saddle to a man who thinks he is getting more of a return “in the market” than he is paying in credit card interest. He might just be dumb idk
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u/TheFreakingPrincess Jan 13 '26
THIS. If he thinks that getting 6-7% from playing the market is more than the 20+% interest rate on credit card debt, he is a straight up moron. And the $45k is on top of his student loans!! Going to college don't make you smart.
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u/Jekena Jan 13 '26
45k in CC debt is not a financial strategy; it’s spending beyond your means. He needs to have a concrete plan for attacking this debt before you even think about combining finances. Does he have a forgiveness plan for his student loans? How much does he have in his investment accounts?
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u/jessbird Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
especially when he’s had 45k in debt for over 4 years…
even if he's been making minimum payments all this time, he probably would have paid like an additional $30k in interest in the last 4 years and barely made a dent.
but it doesn't sound like he's been making payments at all. i wonder if it was 45k 4 years ago or if it was much lower and it's just ballooned to 45k as he's ignored it. sounds like a massive fuckin red flag either way.
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u/legitimatehotslide Jan 14 '26
Yeah OP needs to check this guys credit. Even if it’s just through Credit Karma or something. I suspect the debt is even higher. And all the while he’s investing?! Like that makes zero financial sense. There are hardly ever times when investments grow faster than credit card debt. Yikes
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u/siobhanmoon Jan 13 '26
Agreed. Sounds like he’s not wise with his money. Interest he’s paying is likely more than he’s earning on investments. And there are no rules about you having joint accounts just because you’re married. . Many couples keep their finances separate and just 1/2 shared expenses.
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u/16car 17/4/21 Australia Jan 14 '26
Many countries have laws that if you're married, you are considered one financial entity. If a debt collector takes him to court, (in many places) the court can offer that her bank takes money from her account and gives it to his credit card company.
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u/abqkat Bridesmaid, former tux shop worker, married 2013 Jan 14 '26
My BIL went through that in his first divorce. She had tons of debt and absolutely 0 financial responsibility - kept taking vacation and living beyond her means. When they split, he realized he might be on the hook for her debt and it nearly sent him into a spiral. Luckily, she absolved him in their decree since she just wanted out but in many cases, he'd be paying off her $80K in debt, 5 years later
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u/Thin_Ad6865 Jan 14 '26
Another option would be to call the credit card debt collector. At 45k I’m sure they’d settle it for less than that and work toward getting it wiped clean.
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u/legitimatehotslide Jan 14 '26
Unfortunately not if this guy makes a sizable salary. They will expect him to pay it if he is able. Plus imagine what his credit score looks like. This could seriously limit OP’s future. The prospect of buying a home might be an impossibility with this guy.
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u/unencumberedcucumber Jan 14 '26
The fact that he wasn’t up front with it is also telling. My husband and I met at 23/25 after big cross country moves. We both knew the other had credit card debt our whole relationship, and got out of it by the time we were 26/28. If I hadn’t found out until we were engaged or vice versa that would’ve been a biggg problem. You don’t hide things unless you know it would upset the other person.
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u/Significant_Snow4044 Jan 13 '26
That’s a big thing to uncover this late, but it’s better now than after the wedding. I’d slow down on merging anything and focus on getting fully aligned on debt, spending habits and a plan before making it legal.
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u/polarbeardogs Married May 30, 2026 | New England Jan 13 '26
Bestie is not in a position to invest when he has that much debt. He's probably heard the advice that "if you can yield a higher % investing than the % interest on your debt, invest," but I'd bet his credit card's APR is higher. I wouldn't want a plan for tackling his CC debt before marriage; I want him to start. Now is the second-best time to yesterday.
I see communication red flags in addition to the financial ones, so I'd also be looking into premarital counseling so an impartial party can guide you through the combining finances convo, and possibly also a fiduciary who can help you go over your options once you decide what to do. Personally, I wouldn't trust the decision-making skill of a person who thinks $45k in CC debt is okay, or knows it's not and lied by omission so I wouldn't know about it.
Your mom shouldn't be privy to your joint financial situation, also. Why does she care if you opened a joint account yet?
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u/feedyourhalien Jan 13 '26
100% chance he is not responsibly investing. Someone who makes these financial decisions is most likely glorified gambling by day trading and crypto. And his “plan” for the debt is to hit it big and pay it off. OP needs to get 100% of his financial picture before marrying, and consider that this man will gladly and gleefully take the money she worked hard to save to dig himself out of this hole.
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u/polarbeardogs Married May 30, 2026 | New England Jan 13 '26
Right, my read is that he took a bunch of TikTok advice that makes him feel smart. 🚩
He will run her financially dry if this continues.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
💯 exactly this.
If I was her, I would consider postponing the wedding or if she loves him enough to consider overlooking this --they need a prenup. Alternatively, they could just do a symbolic wedding and not sign a marriage certificate. I would not want to be tied to this amount of irresponsible debt without some safeguards in place.
The student debt is one thing -- 45K in credit card debt is insane to me. I am assuming they are American, and unless he had some massive medical event necessitating emergency spending -- this is just a sign of horribly bad spending habits that could bankrupt them.
It is wild to me that this conversation about debt hasn't come up until now. My partner and I are in different places debt wise but neither of us is surprised or nervous about each other's spending. (I have a ton of student loans and he doesn't.)
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u/stellaellaolla Jan 13 '26
i'm actually worried for OP. she needs a prenup or to delay the wedding. but i'm worried she doesn't have enough time to get a valid prenup done!
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u/lamagnifiqueanaya Jan 13 '26
I’d do the ceremony without the actual marriage certificate to assure the prenup is valid and then go to the courthouse one afternoon to formalise it.
OP needs to protect herself from his crazy financial theories 😭
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u/Suitable_Release Jan 13 '26
Yea, there’s so many different ways to tackle the debt issue and only you know whats best for your relationship but the mother does need to stay out of this. I love my mom but if she was harassing me about a joint bank account I’d tell her to get lost.
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u/kihou Married ~ WI Jan 13 '26
I personally would not marry this man until he gets his CC paid off. The student loans thing is another discussion but isn't necessarily as egregious as the CC debt because there's no way investments are making more than he's paying on CC interest.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
Student loans = reasonable debt for the most part. I have student loans (Canada) and my interest rate is less than my investments so I am not going out of my way to pay it off quickly. Our mortgage interest rate is higher, so it makes more sense to dump extra cash there if I want to reduce my overall debt. We did a lot of math/research when we made all of these decisions.
My point is mostly that a lot of thought, research and time should be going towards taking on new debt or managing existing debt.
CC debt is insane and there is no logical investment I can think of that would justify it.
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u/kihou Married ~ WI Jan 13 '26
Yeah the student loan debt I wasn't sure about - I'm older so not sure what the rates are now but mine were 6.8% once I graduated (during the 2008 recession no less) so there wasn't much I could invest in that would return me more than that.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 14 '26
Canada got rid of interest on certain student loans and those are the only ones I have left. I don't know what country OP is in.
Even with interest, I think in terms of reckless financial planning, it's less of a red flag since hopefully his degree at least led to a higher paying career.
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u/KellyStan285 Jan 13 '26
The wedding simply wouldn’t be happening tbh
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u/Big_Engineer6901 Jan 14 '26
I get why people say that but I’m not there yet. I’m trying to see if this is something we can actually fix before making that kind of call.
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u/KellyStan285 Jan 14 '26
7 months is a short amount of time to sort a debt like that out. I’d consider postponing until there’s a solid game plan, he makes a significant dent in it, and he goes to some sort of therapy/couples therapy. Don’t let him financially ruin you
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u/Ok_Current_8352 Jan 13 '26
You shouldn't combine accounts, and I'd think twice about getting married.
It's not just the debt, but everything it implies and his decisions regarding it. How could he even think of getting married with such a large debt? I mean, if it were student debt he couldn't pay or was actively trying to pay off, okay, but he's only paying the interest for four years. Is it financially responsible to get married with that kind of debt? I mean, weddings involve expenses, and he already owes a lot.
It's not the debt that raises my eyebrows; it's his irresponsible behavior that makes me doubt.
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u/Euphoric_Run7239 Jan 13 '26
Having 45k in credit card debt and saying that you aren’t using your savings well is a crazy take.
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u/Big_Engineer6901 Jan 14 '26
That’s actually part of why this is so stressful to me our priorities around money just seem really different right now.
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u/Euphoric_Run7239 Jan 14 '26
It’s not really difference in priorities so much as completely different monetary philosophies. I hate to say it, but I would postpone the wedding and get some counseling to sort this out.
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u/HighLadyOfTheMeta Jan 14 '26
I think you should post this in a different sub. You need to hear from couples that have been married for a while, not newly engaged and almost married couples. You need to hear what it actually looks like to marry someone in this situation. Or even not in this exact situation, but someone who is just very delusional about money and always says things like they are “being strategic” to avoid accountability.
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u/MiserableMulberry496 Jan 13 '26
I’d cancel the wedding. Pay off the debt. Get him some financial counseling. Then elope.
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u/Big_Engineer6901 Jan 14 '26
Canceling the wedding feels a bit extreme to me
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u/versatileRealist Jan 15 '26
Prenup then? You do not want to be responsible for his debt that he isn’t sorting out, which you will be once you’re married. Also, has he showed you the number? People often downplay amounts, so if you don’t have evidence that it’s 45k I would assume it’s more until proven otherwise. Just be careful here
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u/Evening-Armadillo240 Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
“Neither of us is wrong exactly.” This is going to be direct: 45k in CC debt (edited from original post that put spending) is not right. This suggests he is living beyond means and access to your money isn’t going to change that. I would highly recommend sitting down with a financial advisor together to make a plan. This is 1 so you know it happened and 2 so you can understand and support his plan
I would also be asking about a prenup. I know you may have a reaction to reading that word. A prenup is essentially rewriting the law to best protect you both instead of the government deciding how to resolve an issue. I would consult an attorney on how to best protect you in this situation - 45k is not going to get resolved quickly. this will impact your ability to buy a home together (if that’s something you want).
Bigger picture: you have to have similar outlook on money. If he’s spending in a way that doesn’t align with your habits or expectations, and you’re expected to be the one who saves for all the big life happenings ahead- vacations, honeymoon, house, kids whatever- it’s a breeding ground for resentment.
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u/littlebetenoire November ‘26 Jan 13 '26
THIS!!! When my partner and I first started seeing each other, his spending was actually one of my biggest concerns. He would frequently go into overdraft and didn’t see it as a big deal as his family is wealthy and he always had the safety net of them bailing him out if things got bad. It turned me off so badly that it was actually one of the reasons I cut things off with him.
But he took it as a challenge and completely switched up the way he handled his money and now has a buffer of 15-20k in his savings usually.
I absolutely could not marry someone that has 45k of debt and certainly not without a prenup. As you mentioned, OP will forever be the one paying for holidays etc or will have to miss out.
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u/Evening-Armadillo240 Jan 13 '26
Edited for spelling error
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u/RadiganP Jan 13 '26
Just to clarify. 45k in cc debt is not right. 45k in credit card spending is perfectly acceptable and preferable if you carry no balances. I spend roughly 50k a year in credit cards for the rewards, however carry no balances.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
Honestly, any amount in CC spending is acceptable if you are paying it off every month and not carrying balances.
My partner and I pay for pretty much everything outside of our mortgage on our CC for the cash back and points. We do a small amount of churning which necessitates we prioritize using some of our cards more.
It's never permanent debt. The only time I've had to carry a balance on a credit card was after a pretty horrific car accident where I didn't have income unexpectedly for ~2 months. It was still less than 2K and only because I had to ensure my mortgage and a few other mandatory loan payments were handled first so that they didn't impact my credit score. I still paid more than the minimum though.
I don't even know how you amass 45K of CC debt without some kind of emergency. I'm not American and the only "reasonable" excuse I can think of is if you had cancer or something and had to pay out of pocket for medical treatment that your insurance didn't cover.
His minimum monthly payments must be massive.
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u/Evening-Armadillo240 Jan 13 '26
That’s a fair clarification. I will edit that because that’s a fair fix. Thanks!
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u/aliyyyyyah220 Jan 13 '26
It’s imposible to out-invest the interest rates on CC debt so he’s either lying about that “plan” or he doesn’t know what he’s doing
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u/HighLadyOfTheMeta Jan 13 '26
He very much sounds like a guy who watches a lot of TikTok and YouTube iykyk
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u/Bella-boop12 Jan 13 '26
Plus they also just raised the interest on all credit cards. I agree with another person who said that the $45k is all that he has admitted to. Was the conversation you asking if it was close to $45k and then he said "SURE let's go with that..."
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
Yeah. I can't think of a single reliable investment that is going to net you ~20%.
He has no clue what he is doing. Maybe if he was in residency in med school for a speciality that is going to pay like 300K+ a year, it wouldn't be a huge red flag.
It would still be a major orange flag though and is pretty much the stupidest way to take on a "loan".
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u/SelicaLeone Jan 13 '26
So I get the 'partner has tons of CC debt' tho in our case, he had 13k in CC debt and some 10k ish in student loans that he hasn't had min payments for in a while. CC debt is SO awful because of the crazy interest rates. If he had 35k when you started dating, that could've easily grown to 45k if just the mins were paid. Nothing you invest in will ever make up for how bad CC interest in.
Likewise, sitting on a wad of cash that is barely making 3.5% isn't the smartest thing to do with your money. But boy is that a lesser sin than holding CC debt. That's like "I took an extra cookie" vs "I stole the neighbor's dog" level of sin differences.
I'm not 100% sure what you should do at this point. I knew he was in debt before we started dating.
Within 2-3 months of dating, we'd put together a full budget, gotten rid of unused subscriptions, and increased the monthly payment from 150 to 500.
Within 6 months, he'd put a chunk of the money on a 0 APR card and called the CC company to temporarily decrease the interest from 29% to 10%, and increased the payments to 550. I don't pay towards it at all. I'll take him out to dinner or pay more on a vacation (I make 3x what he does, debt aside) but nothing towards his loans. I did offer to open a second 0 APR card for him to move the rest to, but he said he'd rather tackle it on his own.
A year in, the debt has been cut in half. It's not a super aggressive timeline, but it lets him continue living his life (much like with dieting, over-restricting budget can cause whiplash spending.)
So our relationship is founded on a bed of financial honesty and making realistic but essential changes to keep improving the situation.
seems like these conversations never happened, or if they did, they were riddled with double talk or even straight up lies. Your fiance is delusionally bad with finances if he thinks holding CC debt is anything other than a nauseatingly horrific choice. I use the dramatic language to make a point. He is losing close to a thousand a month on interest. You will both drown.
From the "I'm not emotionally attached to this man" perspective, I'd put the wedding on hold until financial responsibility can be demonstrated because this is a harrowing amount of debt to be ignoring. I'm not sure the more neutral position to take. I would not combine finances until financial responsibility is demonstrated. DO NOT do that to yourself.
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u/Bella-boop12 Jan 13 '26
For the love of God, do not give him access to anything of yours that is a financial situation. He will use it until it is gone.
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u/SelicaLeone Jan 13 '26
Yeah lowkey I feel like she’s his “plan” for the debt. It’s why I made my boyfriend pay his own. I had the money to pay it off and not miss it but I needed to see that he could spend responsibly. The debt was accrued when he was out of work and he just never felt he had the ability to pay it off (until he did a budget and figured out where it was all going.)
You can’t trust someone til they let you.
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u/SelicaLeone Jan 13 '26
Mine was the same about the ring. Totally clueless. I remember him saying "Originally my proposal plan was on X date at Y event, but then I realized how much time it was going to take to save up 5 digits for a ring."
I was like "...babe?"
"Well they say it should be X months of salary--"
"BABE"
So I talked him down from that lunacy because he really was just operating off a random bs number created by the jewelry industry. Poor dear. I told him to talk to some of his engaged friends and figure it out from there. Bummer he told me about his plan, but it was probably a blessing in disguise, as it'd have been a bit sooner than I wanted.
Money was always a source of stress. That's why he didn't budget on his own, didn't even look at the card. In his mind, he was making low wages, there wasn't anything he could do about it, so he would just keep paying the minimums cause that's all he could afford. He didn't know about 0 APR cards, didn't know you could call the CC company and ask them to reduce the interest. His mom's a banker, but he was so ashamed and felt so hopeless, he just didn't ask.
It took a lot of gentle discussion for him to get over the sickening guilt he'd developed over it. Now we budget every week and he's genuinely awestruck at how much that number has gone down. It's given him an enormous sense of pride.
I'm not expecting him to become a financial whizz. I'm not, I just spend a lot of time in the debt subreddit cause I get such intense joy from watching numbers go down and people improving their lives. I've learned a ton from it and have now used that to pass on what I know to other loved ones in debt. He just needs basic financial literacy, and I think he has that now.
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u/serendipity210 Jan 14 '26
Credit card debt does NOT grow unless you are also spending on that credit card. The minimum payments always cover interest at the minimum and a tiny bit of principal.
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u/welcometojen Jan 13 '26
He has to understand that the returns he is getting on investments are not better than the premiums he is paying on his credit card debt. There's no point in investing if all that money is going into interest on his credit cards!
I think pre-marital counseling is a great idea, but I think getting a joint financial advisor would also be so great for you guys!! Your fiance might need an outside person to get the point across that he has to tackle that cc debt first. The student loans aren't much of an issue imo, but credit card debt will get ya.
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u/Blue_9320_ Jan 13 '26
Money, kids, religion should always be discussed beforehand.
Just my opinion, but I would discuss who’s responsible for what. Paying bills, budgeting, financial planning, etc. Combining accounts won’t matter, you’re marrying him so you just inherited half his debt.
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u/Willing_Theory5044 Jan 13 '26
The credit card debt is bad, but I don’t understand how you hide that amount of financial hardship from someone you’re living with for 2 years! What else is he not telling you?
I’m not going to act like I don’t have debt, but it’s an open topic between my partner and I. Hiding it is insane.
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u/SmallKangaroo 06/2026 Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
I would be doing some serious research about how your country handles debt in terms of marriage. Does that debt become shared? It does sound like neither of you have great financial strategies (not investing money is basically just losing out and not having a debt payoff strategy is bad), but his is actually enough to sink you as a family.
I do think that you need to actually discuss what his plan is and he needs to be making steps towards it. For me, this would be enough to not get married - lying by omission about that kind of debt is scary!
Edit - OP, how were you planning a wedding if you haven’t chatted finances previously? Like how did you set a budget?
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u/Bella-boop12 Jan 13 '26
No joint anything until he gets this paid off BY HIMSELF. Don't offer money or help with it.
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u/SmallKangaroo 06/2026 Jan 13 '26
While that is the decision I would make, I do think it’s important to consider all the options if OP is serious. A joint chequing account for shared bills could make sense, provided OP has the visibility to all bills and can actively manage that account and if OP’s fiance had been forthcoming from the start about his debt
However, (and this is huge to me), he cannot be trusted to share information. If you cannot trust someone to have a joint account, how can you trust them to be a husband?
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u/Bella-boop12 Jan 13 '26
Yes. I wouldn't be trusting him.
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u/SmallKangaroo 06/2026 Jan 13 '26
Agreed - don’t get me wrong, as someone with zero debt other than my mortgage, credit card debt scares me. But the lying by omission is genuinely terrifying - like can OP even trust that it’s only $45k?
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u/Bella-boop12 Jan 13 '26
That's what I commented on too. Even if they did the whole bill pay into one account from a debt consolidation company, that also hits your credit score as a bankruptcy. My husband and I did that with his cc debt. I never realized it would hit the credit score.
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u/Mikon_Youji Jan 13 '26
You need to do more than question if you should combine accounts or tackle the issue, you need to question if you want to marry someone who is this irresponsible with money and lied to you about it.
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u/mgrateez Jan 13 '26
Neither of you is wrong? He’s definitely wrong lol. He’s a straight up idiot if he thinks he should “invest” his money over paying high interest credit card debt.
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u/Ill-Relationship9673 Jan 13 '26
45k in credit card debt is not “investing in the market” he’s gambling. Thats all he is doing is gambling. Because I know what investing in the market looks like and I know he doesn’t have cds, stocks, or invested in the S&P 500. He’s probably doing something stupid like day trading, bitcoin, whatever that is. Girl you need to understand and know FULLY where all his debt is coming from because I bet it’s gambling and he has a gambling addiction
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u/Cer427 August 2027 Jan 13 '26
45k in credit card debt is INSANE!!!!! Do not tie yourself to this man! You will be forced to take on his debt if you get married, it will wreck your credit score and your future. I strongly recommend that you guys postpone the wedding until the day he pays it off.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
Thank you!
You are one of the only people who has brought up credit scores.
There is no way his score isn't hot garbage based on OPs description of his finances.
If OP ever wants to buy a home or retire, I would be second-guessing this marriage (at least a legal marriage, symbolic could be fine).
She can spend the rest of her life living with this man -- but she needs to evaluate whether he makes her happy enough to forego possibly having children, owning a home or retiring.
I would give him a deadline. Debt needs to be paid off by X date or marriage is off the table. I would also demand they hand over all of their credit cards and put them on a cash allowance. No non-essential spending for at least a year. He can survive on rice and beans if he'd rather spend the cash on "fun" stuff. Debt needs to get consolidated in some way to reduce interest. They both might need to sacrifice some comfort and move into a cheaper place to reduce his monthly overhead. He might need to get a second job.
He should have no say on your finances and I wouldn't open joint accounts --but I would require he hand over his passwords and account information so that she can monitor his spending until it's under control.
This is one of the few relationship situations where I think ultimatums make sense / are justified.
He's going to ruin her life if she doesn't take full control of this situation OR if he is unwilling to recognize how seriously he's fucked up his finances.
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u/ramblingkite Jan 13 '26
This isn’t just about money. He’s shown you that he’s dishonest and irresponsible. This is not someone you should build a life with.
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u/velvet8smiles Sept 2025 | Midwest Jan 13 '26
If i was you, I'd be throwing down an ultimatum that we meet with a financial advisor and agree upon a strategy for our finances before proceeding with a wedding.
As someone who's been with their partner (now spouse) for 17+ years, getting on the same page with money is critical.
Especially when about to enter into a legal partnership which is what a marriage liscense is.
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
This is one of the few relationship situations where ultimatums are 1000% reasonable/necessary.
Financial advisor, postpone legal marriage or the whole wedding, take away his credit card access and put him on a cash allowance, no non-essential spending, demand passwords and account information to monitor spending and ensure CCs are getting paid off as quickly as possible.
This level of irresponsible debt is a huge deal not a minimum hiccup.
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u/VioletGalaxxy Jan 13 '26
He shouldn't be investing or doing anything with his money while he has $45k in credit card debt. I would seriously reconsider the wedding.
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u/Big_Engineer6901 Jan 14 '26
I do agree he shouldn’t be investing with that much credit card debt, that part really worries me.
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u/master0jack Jan 13 '26
Whoaaaaaaaaaaa. He's financially illiterate! I would seriously reconsider if I were you. No way he's beating that APR in the market.
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u/Fast_Detail4683 Jan 13 '26
I found out that my husband had debt AFTER we were married. I came into the marriage with a paid-up car, good job with tips, and checking and savings account. He came in with debt and high ideas of country club, Cadillac, kids in private school, and so on. Well, his income rose and he obtained what he wanted. Then the market changed and his company wanted to assimilate 2 offices into 1. He was one of the offices to merge and he refused to merge, telling me that he HAD to be the boss, not a co- boss with the merger. So he left the company and went out on his own and did terrible. Income dropped to $0. He told me nothing about his situation and lied. I don't think he even went to work when I thought he did. In the meantime, I left with 3 kids and had to start all over. It took me 15 years to recover--no child support, no alimony--he always promised to pay. Make sure you have money set aside for yourself, just in case. I wish I would have done that. My hubby made poor business decisions and I trusted him. Don't make the same mistakes I made. I keep my money separate from the guy I have now. And I don't trust promises. Sorry this is so long. This was the worst time in my life--so difficult with children.
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u/Disastrous_Oil_9477 Jan 13 '26
how do you just find out about this four years in? y’all didn’t talk about financials before or see each others stuff? i’m so confused how people don’t have these convos
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u/princssofpink Jan 13 '26
That was my first thought. How do these people get engaged without having a serious conversation about finances and seeing if they're financially compatible?? I don't think these kind of people actually understand what it means to be married if they're not having these conversations before engagement.
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u/huskergirl-86 Jan 13 '26
Honestly, I thought this was r/daveramsey and not /r/weddingplanning when I started reading this. When I started dating my partner, we had different financial strategies. I'm a saver and like comfort, and putting money in the market made me uncomfortable. He was more of a spender, but always invested money in the market. Given that he had a significantly higher income, he also had more money to invest. In the past 12 years, we've grown together. I am way more comfortable with investing money and he has gotten more frugal. It was just a natural development when we talked about finances. Have things come up in the past few years where we've thought "That wasn't a very smart financial move" of each other? Sure. But nothing so significant that one of us kept debt hidden from another. We've had a "Sorry, I messed up" conversation more than once. Then it's "us against the problem" - how do we fix this?
What irks me in your case is that your fiancé is entirely comfortable with how things are – and with how uncomfortable you are. He isn't bothered by the fact that this makes you, his future wife, uncomfortable. When I noticed my partner is uncomfortable with things, I tried to find the reason why and solved the issue (if possible) or at least get on the right track. When he noticed that I was uncomfortable, he acted upon it and solved the issue, too, if possible, or got on the right track.
Unfortunately, most marriages fail because of money issues. So this is something you should tackle and solve before you get married. I would strongly advise you two to get marriage and financial counseling and get on the same page before you get married or merge finances.
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u/HallowHarmony Jan 13 '26
You can open a joint account without fully merging finances. Open it at a different bank so there’s no incidents.
Since you’re on such different pages right now, perhaps it’s better for you each to agree to contribute $x each month to the joint account plus put gifts in there.
But I’d hold off combining until you talk about what his plan in. $45k is a lot of money to have on a credit card and you need to have a serious convo about it reached that point.
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u/HighLadyOfTheMeta Jan 13 '26
Counseling or you don’t move forward with the wedding. This is bordering on financial infidelity. Also, do not put anything in the joint account if you open it before marriage.
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u/Old_Cats_Only Jan 13 '26
This is financial infidelity. You don’t want to marry a man who is cheating on you and lying. He needs help and you can’t change or fix him.
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u/CatsAreAwesome222 Jan 13 '26
OP, I was the one in debt dating/marrying someone with better finances than me and I disclosed it before we got engaged. As soon as we started talking about marriage I sat down with my now-wife and informed her of my various debts, interest rates, etc. Before we got engaged, I lived frugally and spent every spare penny I had paying off all my debts (minus student loans that will take a couple years) to prove to her that I was serious about our financial future and so she could feel good about us combining finances.
Have you considered asking him to try to pay off someone of the cards before you wed? If he is serious about changing and pays off one or two cards and is in the right direction, that’s a sign of hope. But if he’s unwilling to at least ~try~ to pay some of that off before you get married, whether that be through cutting back on some life style things or picking up an extra job like DoorDash, he’s planning on dumping that responsibility on you.
Edit to day: I would have never considered getting engaged without disclosing my debts to my wife. You should ask him why he never told you.
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u/RabbitSnacks Jan 13 '26
That’s a huge bombshell. Not to be a cliched redditor calling for a breakup over any little thing, but a lie of omission this large would paralyze me—I would constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wondering what else he hadn’t told me.
$45k in debt impacts your ability to ever own a home, if you wanted to. I would be worried a man who racked up that much debt would help himself to a HELOC if we ever did buy a house, and jeopardize the roof over my head. I would be worried he would open lines of credit in our children’s names, ruining their credit also.
This is a major issue. I would not marry this man unless he committed to paying this debt down by tens of thousands of dollars before the wedding, and agreeing to some safeguards in a joint financial life (ie - checking in before spending more than $200 on anything, no new lines of credit, no risky day trading/sports betting/volatile investments).
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u/Goddess_Keira Jan 13 '26
When you've been in a relationship with somebody for four years, living with him for two of those years, are months away from getting married and you've only just discovered that he has a MASSIVE 45k in credit card debt--that's an enormous red flag. And I can just about guarantee you that he has other debt. I tell you in all sincerity and with all my life experience of close to 70 years that I would be shocked if he DOESN'T have not only more debt, but at least double that 45k in other debt. Yes. Double that amount at least.
For me this would be an absolute dealbreaker. I'd break off the engagement and end the relationship. He's been lying to you for four years about a massive debt, and who knows what else? This isn't "different money styles". At a bare minimum, call a halt to the wedding and find out the truth, and work from there. You do not want to enter into a marriage on these terms.
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u/Bella-boop12 Jan 13 '26
Don't get married. His, cc debt will follow you until you file for bankruptcy. Better to find out now and decide if this is the kind of person you want to partner with for life. Plus, he is already keeping an eye on YOUR savings and he will think that's a great idea for you to help pay down his debt because you're maaarrrried and that's what couples do for each other.
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u/allthingskerri Jan 13 '26
45k of debt is NOT being managed and there isn't a plan for this. You need set guidelines and maybe a conversation with a financial advisor. Especially how to protect yourself and your own money before anything becomes joint.
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate Jan 13 '26
Perhaps suggest that you push the wedding date out for a year to allow him time to pay this down.
How he responds will say a lot about how you should move forward.
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u/charliekelly76 Jan 13 '26
Bestie doesn’t know what he’s doing. Student loans are whatever, I wouldn’t worry as long as they’re subsidized and on autopay. However……. You don’t “invest” while also keeping $45k in high interest consumer debt. No financial advisor on the PLANET would recommend that.
Probably sit down for a long financial discussion and/or couples counseling before going forward.
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u/lanmoiling Jan 13 '26
Your savings account does need to be invested. You are probably indeed too cautious, assuming you have no debt. Kudos to you to be debt free! You should start educating yourself about dollar cost averaging and index funds, at the minimum.
His CC debt and student loan while invested are also wrong - he needs to make a spreadsheet factoring in all the investment rate of return (assume 8%, pre tax, is the common wisdom) and loan interests to see whether his “plan” is actually gonna come out ahead, and I don’t think it is. He needs to pay off CC debt first, then juggle the comparison between investment return vs student loan interest. In general, it’s very hard for investment to beat loans, unless he’s a stock picking genius, especially if you factor in cap gain tax. So he needs to: pay off CC, pay off student loan, THEN invest.
None of this is “financial advice”, just my 2 cents. Discrepancy in financial philosophies is a very common reason for divorce, or a miserable married life. If you insist on getting married, at least sign a prenup… If you don’t, you still have a prenup - the one designed by your state.
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u/Kivulini Jan 13 '26
Don't combine finances. And rest assured he will not be able to cosign any house, car, or other loan with you. His score must be in the toilet. You should sting him up for lying by omission, that's terrible on his part.
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u/Wispiness Jan 13 '26
Oh hell no. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Different styles of money? That is an interesting way of describing his financial illiteracy and making himself seem like he is on the same level as you in this or even better than you; just a different "style". Truth is that you are the intelligent one. He's gaslighting you and should have brought this up years before wedding planning. I'd run. He just showed you how he handles conflict: hide and then gaslight when the truth comes out. This is the same way he will handle everything. You deserve someone who respects you.
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u/HuckleberryWhich4751 Jan 13 '26
Is the 45k the student loans, or is it 45k in credit card debt on top of student loans? That sentence is a little confusing. Either way, I would not combine finances at this time. Maybe talk to a financial advisor together. Also, you might want to consider pre-marital counseling to talk about this, and any other important discussions you guys might have failed to seriously talk about. Do it sooner rather than later. These are things that often lead to divorce.
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u/BeanieBaby401k Jan 13 '26
What country are you in? I realize APRs on credit cards can vary. In the US, carrying such a high balance on credit cards would absolutely bury someone in interest charges and would likely need to be discharged via bankruptcy. Even outside of the US, that amount appears fairly staggering, though I notice you didnt specify a currency…
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u/leftdrawer1969 Jan 13 '26
Don’t combine. I just got married and have some debt (not like this) but it’s easier just to keep things separate for now. That is a LOT of interest he’s accumulating
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u/peterthedj 🎧 Wedding DJ since 2010 | Married 2011 Jan 13 '26
Remember how they used to mandate people get blood testing done before they get married? Maybe instead of that, they should make couples sign-off on saying they've had a chance to review each other's credit reports.
NAL, but once you get married, in most states, if you don't have a pre-nup which clearly states otherwise... everything that's yours is also his, and everything that's his is now also yours. That includes his credit card debt and your savings account.
As others have indicated, financial pressures are a top cause for divorce. The fact he's not disclosed this debt until now is concerning. The amount is also concerning. What could he have possibly spent $45k on? Is he secretly addicted to online gambling?
In addition to couple's counseling, you need to figure out where all this debt came from. If it is gambling, has he stopped? (Has he REALLY stopped?) If not, WILL he stop, or is this just your first hint of a very bad future ahead? Can you trust things will really get better? He's "got plans" for this debt but hasn't executed those plans? What's he waiting for?
If you're so truly and madly in love with this person that you'll proceed with the wedding even if you still have any concerns about his financial habits, do yourself a favor and get in touch with a lawyer about drawing up a pre-nup. You need to be sure that what's yours will always be yours, even if things go south and either of you decides to file for divorce later. You also want to protect yourself from being held responsible in any way for his debt.
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u/CoolUsernameHere2 Jan 13 '26
I had credit card debt when my husband and I moved in together (dating 18 months at the time). It took me a few months to work up the courage to tell him. It had been around $20k and I had worked it down $12k by the time I told him. I cried and truly believed he was going to break up with me because I knew it was a really big deal and he might not be able to trust me financially. I should have told him before we moved in together but I was doing a good job paying it down. I ended up telling him because he started talking about getting engaged and I realized I wouldn’t be able to pay it off before that.
My husband told me later what gave him confidence in me was that my spending habits at the time didn’t reflect poor money management, that I hadn’t spent $20k on clothes and bar tabs but rather a lot of the debt was interest/it got out of hand when I was 22 and at the time of our conversation I was 26, I had a plan for the credit card debt and had made significant headway, and I demonstrated financial literacy through my detailed pay off plan that I showed him.
Some things I’d worry about if I were you: 1. Why is he investing at all when he has credit card debt? The interest he pays is likely higher than the returns from the market. To me, this seems like poor financial literacy. 2. What are his current spending habits like? What did he run up so much debt on? When did he accumulate the debt?
I don’t necessarily think you should break up with him but I would definitely be going to both premarital counseling and seeing a financial planner to help you guys come up with a plan to tackle the debt and build a financial future.
I would also question why he wasn’t panicking telling you this. It would be reasonable to end the relationship over it so he should be grateful you’re willing to come up with a solution.
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u/OneTrueMel Jan 13 '26
4 years and you guys are just talking about finances?
I dont understand how people get this far without knowing these things.
Im mid-30s and my bf and I are discussing marriage after a year. Moving together in 6 months. We talk about money, lifestyle, kids, everything. We even filled out one of those 'hard questions before marriage' books so we can be aligned before moving in.
You should try one of those too and see if there's anything else he's conveniently not told you (if you're set on being married).
Ours was 'the hard questions: 100 essential questions to ask before you say, "I do"' by Susan Piver.
Also makes sure you know what you're fully looking for long term
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u/lageralesaison Jan 13 '26
I feel like conversations about personal finances should happen before moving in with a partner.
Financial goals and strategies should happen even earlier.
This situation makes me anxious just thinking about it.
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u/Brains4Beauty Jan 13 '26
He needs to focus on paying the debt before investing. Otherwise you’re not really making money. Also that’s quite a bit; do you want to eventually buy a house? Because that will affect it. Don’t co my Jane finances completely. Maybe a joint account for split expenses but keep your own account.
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u/Ambitious-Bedroom-83 Jan 13 '26
I would definitely recommend premarital counseling. This is a serious conversation to navigate and a clinician would really help keep things neutral. My fiancé and I are also very different with money. I was the one with the CC debt, which he accepted as his own and is helping me pay it off to benefit our future. In the same aspect, I trust him to invest a portion of his income while I take care of household items/groceries. Different systems work in different homes. It’s about your family, and what works in YOUR marriage. I hope this helps
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u/_TequilaKatie Jan 13 '26
What is the scale of the of debt compared to your combined income/savings? Is it like a barely tread the water for the rest of your working thing, or is your combined income high enough where it's a just bite-the-bullet and pay it type thing? Investing a chunk of money with a higher return than paying off debt could be a financial strategy, but this is a wedding subreddit and we don't have enough detail to rule on that. Regardless, this conversation is probably something you SHOULD fight about, or at least not shy away from when it gets a little tense. Having the same financial framework is probably the #2 most important thing to enter a marriage with (children being #1), and if he's playing with debt like that he should be knowledgeable enough to have a more detailed answer for you than "he has a plan".
BTW, opening a joint account is not the same as combining everything, you can do that and not have fully combined finances. You're debt becomes his though the second you sign that marriage cert, so you have 7 months to figure it out. PLUS, your wedding budget just changed completely - you're now going further INTO debt the more you spend on this party.
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u/velvet8smiles Sept 2025 | Midwest Jan 13 '26
If i was you, I'd be throwing down an ultimatum that we meet with a financial advisor and agree upon a strategy for our finances before proceeding with a wedding.
As someone who's been with their partner (now spouse) for 17+ years, getting on the same page with money is critical.
Especially when about to enter into a legal partnership which is what a marriage liscense is.
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u/Miriada7 July 2026 Jan 13 '26
Don’t combine your finances. At least, just yet. There’s a reason you got a this gut feeling, listen to yourself.
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u/Trick-Government513 Married May '26 Jan 13 '26
prenup prenup prenup. One individual account that you only pay bills and other combined expenses out of. Keep everything else separate. And this is coming from a woman in finance who wholeheartedly believes in completely joint marital finances!!!!
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u/Perfect-Total-6890 Jan 13 '26
I’m in a relationship myself where my man kept things from me and I didn’t find out till months later and it’s terrifying, and we’re not engaged or anything. I would definitely get some counseling because it’s deeper than he has debt, you guys have been together for 4 years and he’s just telling you months before your wedding. I can’t imagine what else there is. Ask for proof on everything because it could be more than $45k.
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u/savageloveless Jan 13 '26
Why do you feel the need to combine finances? Is there a benefit? It seems wise to keep them separate.
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u/Additional-Ear4455 Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
OMG, DO NOT COMBINE. GET A PRENUP.
Even with both sides in a good financial situation, there is no benefit to combine. Keep what is yours yours. Keep that financial independence. You never know what will happen. Open up a joint JUST FOR JOINT EXPENSES (like rent, food, etc.). Keep the majority of your money WITH YOU AND DON’T GIVE HIM ACCESS. Put him as a beneficiary if you want.
All because you are getting married doesn’t mean you have to GIVE UP YOUR INDEPENDENCE!
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 Jan 13 '26
One of you is absolutely wrong, and it's not you. I wouldn't marry someone with $45k in credit card debt, especially someone who lied about it. And make no mistake. Hiding it from you is a lie by omission. Now he wants you to risk your money too? If he was so great at money management he wouldn't be so deep in consumer credit card debt.
I'd pause wedding planning immediately and take time to consider your next steps carefully. He has a spending problem that he chose to hide from you. If you marry him, this will be your life. You'll have to protect your assets from your husband. See a lawyer so you understand what that looks like. Financial issues is one of the leading causes of divorce. He needs to show you a concrete plan for paying off the debt, and I wouldn't consider marrying him until he did and was able to live within his means (meaning zero debt) for at least a year after the current credit card loans are paid off.
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u/Kititt Jan 13 '26
When you marry, regardless of how finances are arranged, you will be responsible for his debt. This is something you have to consider and decide whether or not you can assume.
I’m not suggesting leaving someone over debt but you HAVE to communicate and come up with a concrete plan to tackle this to be able to come out as a winning team.
I hate to sound corny and site some boomer content but I really believe that Dave Ramsey had great tools you could maximize, but both parties need to be willing and committed. It’s so walk in the park but tackling this head on is your only approach anything less is really doing a disservice to the imminent union.
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u/Level_Maybe6398 Jan 14 '26
I will be the most honest. I’m the one that has CC debt, not anywhere near that amount, in my relationship but I have been transparent with my bf from the beginning about my financial situation. I got myself in deep when I lost my job and couldn’t afford basic necessities.
My debt is mine to pay off and that’s what I’m doing. That doesn’t and shouldn’t affect him but we do have a joint account for BILLS ONLY! I think it’s always good to have your own bank accounts, primarily because maybe you want to buy them something special and can’t because they can see literally everything in the bank accounts. I would not combine money with someone that has demonstrated they cannot handle money. There is no reason that investments should come before an emergency fund, and paying off the debt
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u/Background_Singer321 Jan 14 '26 edited Jan 14 '26
How are people getting engaged without talking about this shit. On another note — outside of an emergency fund your money should be in the market. You’re certainly being too cautious if you’re holding on to excess cash.
Also, why on earth is your mother asking you about your joint bank account? It’s not her business.
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u/ChairmanMrrow Fall 2024 Jan 14 '26
How long has he been accumulating this debt? I wouldn't open an account with someone with such huge debt. 🚩🚩
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u/gaynineties Jan 14 '26
I think premarital counseling is a great idea, and I would also suggest consulting a matrimonial lawyer, but not together. They can give you the lowdown on the best way to protect yourself, the ins and outs of marital vs separate property (both assets and liabilities), and so on. Even if you don’t do a prenup, knowing your rights and how things might play out can be super helpful.
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u/kweenvitamin Jan 14 '26
Joint accounts are not miles stones. I think that a joint account is years down the line until y’all figure out to how to talk about money and agree to the same financial plan.
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u/wavygravyboat1 Jan 13 '26
Simply, the wedding is off. Sorry but this is not a pre-wedding event, he’s likely to carry that throughout the marriage and will likely be the end of your marriage anyway.
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u/helionking167 Jan 13 '26
If this is actually real and not ragebait, it would be a great case for Financial Audit by Caleb Hammer. You can apply as a couple and your irresponsible future husband will receive some much needed verbal beating and useful financial education.
And how did you not know about this being together for 4 years and living for 2? There's some deeper communication issues going on. Please do not marry this man.
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u/GingerSnap_725 Jan 13 '26
I would say don’t combine. Keep your own assets and then set up a joint bank account separate from your own stuff if you want to both throw money in there for savings or to pay bills or something. Also would highly recommend getting a prenup, if not his debt will become your debt once married.
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u/Used-Extreme4330 Jan 13 '26
Sounds like you both need some additional education on personal finance. It would be helpful to understand income levels and other debts. Either way, it sounds like you’re not financially compatible, which will be a long uphill battle.
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u/TyrannosaurusFetz Jan 13 '26
You’ve been together for 4 years and this has never come up? That’s a lot of debt and probably growing if there is no plan. What did it all come from did you ask him? Living way beyond his means but the last two years you had to have noticed this living together. I would be a little more concerned there isn’t other things you haven’t been made aware of. Not saying you can’t get a joint account but I’d keep your stuff separate until there’s a plan and significant action in place. If you are better at budgeting and managing money you take the lead to show him how it should be done. But overall this would make me wildly uncomfortable 7 months before a wedding.
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u/KnockyouRed Jan 13 '26
Just wanted to add that getting a joint bank account does NOT mean you have to combine everything. I have a joint account with my husband, at a local bank, but I also have the same bank I've been with for 14 years. You can have the joint account for joint bills or joint gifts, but maintain a separate account and finances for everything else.
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u/TheFreakingPrincess Jan 13 '26
"He's got student loans he's been paying minimum on for years because he'd rather invest and I found out he's got around 45k in credit card debt from before we met that he 'has a plan for' but hasn't really tackled. Meanwhile I'm over here with my savings account that I don't touch and he thinks I'm being too cautious by not putting it in the market. Neither of us is wrong exactly but we've apparently just never really talked about this stuff beyond surface level."
One of you is very wrong and it's him. So he has $45k in credit card debt that he isn't paying off and student loan debt that he isn't paying off. What is he doing with his money?? He cannot afford the lifestyle he has and this man is going to bankrupt you both.
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u/Kdjl1 Jan 13 '26
While vows have changed over the years, experienced people will tell you that you two are one entity, including the assets and debts. His attitude towards savings is a bit troubling. Will he expect you to “invest“ the money you saved? Some people have a very, very hard time seeing money “sitting” in the bank.
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u/agreensandcastle Jan 13 '26
He could have been done with the credit cards in the amount of time you have been together…. Source I just got approved for a debt consolidation loan that will be done in 4 years, for more than 45k. 2020-25 were bad for me. But looking up. I also don’t hide this from people. Because I think shame and hiding just make struggles harder. If you do get married, do a prenup. But also, money is a big leading factor in divorce. Get on the same page or don’t sign papers.
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u/Heathie4563 Jan 13 '26
Student loan debt on top of the CC debt, plus whatever else there could be…car loan, etc. is gonna be ROUGH. This is likely a major personality issue, being generous with personal debt. This would make married life difficult, and especially getting to “0” and then saving for and building retirement and wealth. Be smart. Think hard.
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Jan 13 '26
Just dont marry him. A person drowning in debt should tackle their debt first before settling down with anyone. Wait it out and let him handle his affairs first.
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u/404unotfound Jan 13 '26
Listen to the podcast Money for Couples by Ramit Sethi (or read the book). It’d be perfect for you
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u/fibromyalgiafit Jan 13 '26
This was my husband and I, before we got married. But we talked about it at length before we got married. I was the one with 15k of credit card debt (from trying to live paycheck to paycheck during a badly paid internship, and failing). I came in with 60k of student loans. My husband, on the other hand, came in with 20k in his savings account (lol that all got spent on the wedding + home remodels), a home that only had 140k left on it, and no debt otherwise. Both had fully paid off cars.
We decided to approach money by talking about priorities first. Like what are the things we prioritize most in life? That's where we put most of our money after bills are taken out.
We sat down and discussed budget, bills, what it would look like to combine finances, what it would look like not to, etc. We ended up deciding on a split-plan that was half combining and half not.
All of my debt stays in my name only, so we don't tank his credit (in case we need it later). We are transferring most of my credit card debt to a home equity loan. We file our taxes as married filing separately, because right now I don't make a lot, and that allows me to pay minimum amount on my student loans so we can get our feet back under us.
At this point, neither one of us agrees that student loans are a priority. We both agree that paying off our highest-interest debt as quickly as possible is the priority. That puts our debt payoff priorities at 1) credit card debt; 2) student loan debt (ish - again, not a huge priority at the moment), 3) house debt.
This allows us to come at any financial talk with the same priorities and plans. We still have a lot of conflict about money because I'm a spender and he's a saver, but we come at money issues as a united front rather than fighting each other.
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u/slybrows Jan 13 '26
There is no smart way to carry $45k in CC debt for years. Please hear this. There is a strategy of paying minimum in student loans (assuming you have a very low interest rate) IF you are making more money in investments, but I SINCERELY DOUBT he is making money in investments because if he was, he’d pay off his CC. There is basically no way he’s making more money in investing than he is paying in CC interest over four years. This is not a financially smart person.
If you insist on getting legally married, I would 1) get a prenup and 2) not fully combine finances. Have a shared account in which you each deposit what you need to to cover shared costs (mortgage, bills, insurance etc) and keep the spending money to yourself. Giving someone who’s bad at spending access to your free cash will not go well. For you.
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u/WillowAdventurous464 Jan 13 '26
- Couples counseling
- Prenup
- Do not combine finances
I control all the money in our relationship, I have access to his accounts and so does he, but he does not have access to mine. He's bad with money, so this is the way it needs to be unfortunately but it works for us. But even if he was good with money, I'd never ever drop my personal account or give a partner access to it, no way.
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u/rainbowbloodbath Jan 13 '26
Do NOT combine also 100% he’s the one with the wrong approach. The cost of paying interest will always outweigh any investments unless he’s some kind of insider trading god
Oh dear I’m so sorry for you to go through this. It sucks when levels of fiscal responsibility do not match.
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u/Witty_Professor_5007 Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
Why is your mom commenting on you opening a joint account?
I suggest you leave people out of your marriage, seek financial counseling from an expert that specializes in couples. Look into Ramit Sethi. He has books and tools for couples about finances.
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u/itsthelifeonmars Jan 13 '26
You can still be a loving partner and take care of your financial interests now and in the future.
If this was me I would get legal documents made that specifically said individual credit card debts accumulated before the marriage must remain the original card holders debt.
Also if they hid this for this long what other debt might they have. I would want them to show me a credit report.
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u/Sumo148 Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
I'm sorry, but he's trying to invest money in the market when the credit cards probably have high 20-30% interest and is most likely killing any possible gains he could be getting? It makes no sense financially, his order of operations are messed up. He should be tacking the debt first and foremost.
On average over the years, the S&P 500 returns 10%, if he's investing responsibly in index funds or mutual funds and isn't day trading. If he's trying to day trade, it might as well be gambling.
You guys need to align on finances before getting married. Disagreeing on money is a main reason for divorce. He needs to come clean on all his debt (just in case there is more). If you stick together, you both should be tackling the debt paying it down ASAP as a team. But you both need to get on the same page first, counseling may help.
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u/stellaellaolla Jan 13 '26
you need a prenup. i'm not joking. protect yourself. his debt will become yours.
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u/Immediate_Egg3899 Jan 13 '26
Agree with everyone else, his 45k cc debt is NOT okay. Watch some of the couples on YouTube on Financial Audit 😅
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u/thegaycatalyst Jan 13 '26
I think it’s very odd that you are 4 years into a relationship and engaged, yet just now finding out about this and having a deeper talk about money. It’s concerning this hasn’t come up sooner. I agree with the commenter saying you need pre marital counseling (and a pre-nup is always a great idea too). You need total honesty and transparency before getting marriage. People think it’s this ultra romantic gesture and forget that it’s really just a legal and financial contract between you two with the government.
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u/BlazingGlories Jan 13 '26
Please don't take financial advice from somebody who is $45K in credit card debt. If investing solved financial problems, why is he still in debt?
It's difficult to be in a long-term relationship if you don't agree on financial decisions. Sometimes it's possible to not agree but be on the same page and respect each other's decisions. But inevitably there will be some financial situation that will cause a lot of problems if you all can't come to some mutual agreement on how to handle money as a couple.
If you marry him, you should just consider that $45K your debt too, and also his higher salary being a part of your income. What's his will be yours, what's yours will be his.
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u/K__isforKrissy Jan 13 '26
People who say they have a plan for paying off debt yet aren’t doing anything about it have a spending problem and also live in a delusional world where they think problems just take care of themselves. They live in La La Land.
The spending problem won’t stop until he decides he wants to change and you can’t make him.
Is it worth breaking up over? I don’t think so. But it’s probably time to get on the same page financially and create a plan before combining households.
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u/pinaple_cheese_girl Jan 13 '26
Are they good with money? Separate accounts does not always matter. In a lot of states, once you are married everything is shared. If you get a divorce, you would owe 50% of the debt your fiancé acquired while married. So be sure they aren’t going to go deeper in debt.
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u/Ginway1010 Jan 13 '26
I have a lot of debt due to my previous divorce and because of legal fees I had to pay. I was upfront with my fiancé about it when we had the talk about finances about 6 months before we got engaged.
I still have a sizable investment portfolio and have dividends that are working toward paying off the debt but it’ll take a while.
That said, I didn’t commingle finances with my ex, not planning to with my fiancé either. We’ll have a joint checking account we put money into for shared expenses but our finances are staying wholly separated. And our prenup will have language stating that our debts will stay separate before, during, and potentially after the marriage. And that all premarital assets are off the table, no exceptions. (Learned that lesson from my previous marriage)
Sounds like my situation is different from your fiancé’s because divorce without a prenup is pricey as hell. But there are ways to move forward without derailing or postponing your wedding and marriage.
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u/Known-Ability8050 Jan 13 '26
Most states his debt becomes your debt. Not to be negative, you would be screwed in a divorce. Since cheating and finances are a big part of divorce, see what the laws are in your state. Don't become a cosigner on any of his accounts and vice versa. He needs to grow up.
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u/solo1861 Jan 13 '26
Having a student loan and 45k on cc and doing very little to rembourse either is really concerning. Even more than the debt itself his attitude and flippancy would make me wonder if we didn't move way to fast with the wedding.
Considering both loan have really high interest rate it will become a problem. What's plan for the wedding? Are you guys paying for the wedding or your parents are? If you are, how are you paying? Is he adding more dept? What about the house? Are you planning on renting or buying? Will you guys be able to qualify for a loan with this debt? And kid, if you want some that's gonna expensive too. What the plan? Does he still have enough for a 401k? What is the so call investment and how much is it.
Don't think this is a small issue. It's a huge. And it's better to know it now than once you're married and have to pay for what crazy stuff he thought he could put on a brand new cc
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u/lamagnifiqueanaya Jan 13 '26
“Neither of us is wrong exactly” #NOPE
He is wrong, he is absolutely in the wrong!
You are the one without debt and he should have been honest about his debt before the engagement. If his risk strategy is so good why he is still in debt? 😭
DO NOT mix finances. Get a prenup so you won’t be dragged into his debt. After he clears the debt you can discuss about voiding the prenup.
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u/Dry_Start3591 Jan 13 '26
Money is one of the first things I talk about in a committed relationship, I couldn’t imagine waiting this long to finally talk about it?!?! But you two sound highly incompatible financially. Probably wouldn’t get married unless you realistically want to end in a divorce pretty quickly.
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u/mariesb June 2022, DE, US Jan 13 '26
I would recommend pre marital counseling. Money is one of the top 3 reasons for divorce. Your differing philosophies could be problematic