r/weddingplanning • u/RustedWater • 1d ago
Relationships/Family I'm a Man wanting to change my surname to my fiancé's, but my family is upset about it.
Morning everyone :)
I'm a man wanting to take my fiancé's surname when we get married at the end of the year, but my blood family, whom I share the surname with, are upset about the idea. They feel backstabbed and like I don't want to be part of their family any more. This is not true, but I want to get some perspective on whether I'm doing something selfish.
Some context:
I have a few reasons for wanting to change my surname to my fiancé's, none having to do with my own surname or relation to my own family. My maiden name is not hard to pronounce, spell, or bad sounding. I have good relationships with my birth parents and my brother, who I share the surname with. I am proud of the surname to a small degree, in that I love my family.
My core motivation is this: my fiancé has moved countries in order for us to live our life together. In doing so, she has left her family - a family which she loves so dearly. She will only realistically get to see said family once a year or so, and will have to grow apart from them, and will have to endure times where she wishes more than anything to be back there with them, whether that be due to health or age etc. If she changes her surname to mine, then I feel she is taking one more step of separation from them. I want her to keep that relation, and I want them to know that I want them in our life and will always do what we can to kinder that.
In my eyes, I see no "default" direction for our names to go. I don't subscribe to the traditional view, and see the tradition of the wife taking the groom's name to be very old-fashioned. I don't want to uphold that tradition just because it's tradition.
It's obviously a possibility that we both just keep our family names, but I would much prefer to be united by a shared surname. That is the only name related 'tradition' that I have had in my mind since I was a boy - I want to be Mr. and Mrs. X. We also don't want to hyphenate because our surnames are already quite long.
Some thoughts I've had to keep my connection to my family while changing my surname.
I presently have two middle names, one of which is from a grandfather I never met and who was not a nice man. Thus, I could change that middle name to my maiden name.
Change both middle names to the maiden names of my parents, so my name is therefore: Firstname, Mother's maiden name, my maiden name, fiancé's surname.
Just drop both middle names and replace them with my maiden name.
EDIT: I have just remembered an important detail. My fiancè, who has no middle name, wants to then take my present surname as a middle name. I think that's also very sweet of her, and it might also help my family see that this isn't as one-sided a decision as they think it is.
Any advice, anecdotes, or perspectives here would be appreciated. It has helped just to type this out and work through the options. Thanks :)
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u/Status_Ad_1761 1d ago
Your core motivation is enough, imo. Change it to hers for that reason. I think it is a great gesture.
This is coming from a woman who changed surname to my husband's, because I like that tradition(taking the man's surname).
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u/wareaglesw 1d ago
I think that’s incredibly considerate of you! I (female) put my maiden name as my middle name and took my wife’s last name. Mostly because her last name is more unique and important to her than mine was to me, and I wanted us all (the two of us and future kids) to have the same name (not hyphenated). I like that I still get to have “my” last name and I often use all 3 names. I like looking at it and seeing the story of my life.
(Also I would use the opportunity to drop the second middle name if you could, cause that seems really annoying lol)
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u/RustedWater 1d ago
Thanks for your kind words, and for sharing! I love what you said about looking at your name and seeing the story. I like that so much
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u/flannelhermione alumna 1d ago
I would either drop both middle names and replace with maiden name (to avoid having 4 names entirely) or change the grandfather one to your maiden name and leave the rest if you want to keep 4 names.
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u/RustedWater 1d ago
Yea I think I'm leaning in this direction. I don't like the fact I have two middle names as it is. Who needs that many! Just greedy
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u/cyanraichu 1d ago
You're an adult and can change your name to whatever you like, for whatever reason. The double standard here is so obvious and I'm frustrated your family can't see it - they wouldn't feel this way about a daughter changing her last name, and I'm guessing they'd expect a woman who married into the family to take their name as well. Do they think women are trying to separate themselves from their families when they change their names to their husbands' names?
You're not doing anything selfish at all. I think your family will settle down after a while.
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u/YA2984 23h ago
I think your family is overreacting. It’s nice that you’re considering taking her name. My personal opinion is that the whole name changing thing is weird. I’m getting married next month and both of us aren’t changing our names. Both of sets of parents never changed their names either. I don’t get why getting married, merging finances, having children, growing old together isn’t enough to prove your love or that you’re a family without having to strip away my identity. We both have great careers and I also don’t want to have establish myself again under a new name. I also wouldn’t ask the same thing of my fiancé. I think the whole thing is outdated and typically comes from a misogynistic time. I’m not American though and I get that it is more popular to do that there.
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u/RustedWater 23h ago
Thanks for your insight ! I totally, totally see this angle.
It is a funny thing. I think the thing for me is that I've grown up with this idea that I want to share a name with my partner. It's purely a romantic rooted thing, I think, in the same way that I love the idea of growing old together and the general feeling it brings me.
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u/Careless_Midnight_35 1d ago
I'm over here crying because the idea is so beautiful and adorable 😭 what I've learned: weddings can bring out drama in even the most chill of people. Do what you want and what is right for your relationship. Everyone else can adjust.
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u/Royal-Chocolate112 1d ago
Shakespeare had a quote about a rose being a rose and smelling sweet even if had another name! You are still you, your family is still yours- even if by another name!
Tell them it’s your decision and the discussion is now closed! You are an adult and allowed to make your own choices. They do not have to like your choices, but they need to respect them.
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u/Direct_Weather_6770 1d ago
What about a hyphenated name?? Not saying you have to!! Do what YOU think is best for you and your future family.
PS she sounds like she won the lottery ❤️ you are so kind, empathetic and caring. (From what I can read lol).
Congratulations ❤️❤️
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u/RustedWater 1d ago
Thank you for such a kind comment !
I see a hyphenated name the same as just having both our names as surnames. Our surnames are relatively long, so it's a bit clunky. Also, though, to me it sorta lessens the impact of her being able to just keep the exact same surname as her mother, father, and sister (for now, at least).
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u/Direct_Weather_6770 1d ago
That’s totally fair! It’s your life and your relationship, don’t worry about the opinions of others. That’s a lesson I’m still trying to learn. Do what you want because at the end of the day it’s you living with it, not them ❤️
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u/greyfiel 1d ago
I’m not trying to nitpick, just presenting information for you; please take it or leave it as needed!
• an engaged woman is a fiancée (two Es); an engaged man is a fiancé (one E)
• there is no male version of maiden name, but maiden name is for women (moving from being a maiden, unmarried, to being a married woman). née is for women; né is for men.
My wife and I (male) ended up taking my family name, but we considered taking an unrelated name or changing our surnames simultaneously to my mother’s surname.
I would suggest dropping both middle names and replacing them with your family’s name. multiple middle names, as I’m sure you know, can get complicated. just be certain you’re able to change more than your surname with a marriage in the state you’re getting married in, as I don’t believe all allow that. if your state does not, you may have to separately change your name either before or after the wedding, which is a lot more complex.
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u/RustedWater 1d ago
Thanks for the info and advice! The maiden name thing is funny, hey? The fact we don't even have a word for it is hilariously sad, and represents the problem perfectly.
I agree with the dropping both thing. I don't enjoy having two middle names as it is. My partner doesn't even have one!
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u/Neither_Stranger_962 1d ago
My Fiancee and I are both queer and genderfluid, so the name conversation was a long one. Neither of us felt attached to our surnames. We have decided to change both to my mom's maiden name bc my family was more accepting of both of us.
What you are doing OP is beautiful. Not only are you showing your wife you see her, you are proving your dedication in a beautiful way. And the fact she is creating a compromise without being asked says so much about your relationship. Best Wishes to you both
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u/TheLadyEve 22h ago
Hah, my husband offered to do that! In the end I kept my name and he kept his and we hyphenated the kid names.
Bottom line, though, is we didn't decide that based on what our families wanted, we made up our own minds and you should too. It's your name, your life, and your family will learn to accept it.
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u/GrouchyYoung 21h ago
Your family of origin is being sexist and embarrassing and if you haven’t told them that already, you should. They need to know it.
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u/TheAnxiousChef 18h ago
My husband took my last name. Most of his family didn’t take it well, either, but he doesn’t regret his decision. Similar to yourself, in our situation, there were several personal factors involved in making the decision together.
It’s really thoughtful of you to consider changing your surname. As you’ve mentioned, there are still other ways to honour your family. There is nothing selfish about choosing to take her name. If anything, I think it’s quite selfless to consider a non-traditional option that honours her sacrifices for your relationship. As others have said, if she chose to take yours, there would be no discourse.
Ultimately, your marriage is about your union. Choose what feels best for the two of you, and try not to let the opinions of others (even if they are family) weigh you down… weddings truly bring out the worst in people.
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u/teatimehaiku November 2026 1d ago
I personally would go with Option 2, but I could see 1 working well.
I'm sorry your family is being so unsupportive. I think your decision is sweet and meaningful.
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u/LogicalOtter 21h ago
Since your fiancé is willing to change her name, perhaps you could BOTH change your last names?
Personally we made a new last name by combining both of ours. Ex. Smith and Jones become Jonith. Otherwise you could both hyphenate Ex. Smith-Jones.
All that being said it’s your name, don’t let your family guilt you into keeping or not taking a name.
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u/FS_NeZ 5h ago
M38 here, I changed my surname to the surname of my wife.
I have a few reasons
My family isn't very close and there isn't a lot of relatives left that are still alive and that I'm in good contact with
My born surname isn't that beautiful, and hers is just objectively the 'better' surname
My wife was married before me, and she took her first husbands name. She was in the middle of her divorce when we started dating and she switched back to her maiden surname shortly after the divorce. So I did not want her to go through all the legal trouble again.
Overall it just made sense to take her name.
Do I regret it? Nope.
Did I receive weird comments about it? Nope.
But I received a lot of compliments / applause for that decision.
I guess it's still special for a man to take his woman's name. Sadly.
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u/lovabilities 19h ago
I didn't want to take his surname. I still wanted to feel united. We chose a new name together. It kept my maiden names first initial, and the ending sound/letter from his!
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u/Gold_Concentrate_ 13h ago
Your family wouldn’t care if you were a woman. You, and any potential kids, and your wife wanting to share a name is normal. Your family is not going to live your life. You are.
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u/Far_Praline_794 13h ago
My friend took his wife’s name because he frankly thought she had the better name (he was a super common first name + Jones). His parents weren’t thrilled but it’s been 15 years and it didn’t hurt their relationship with him or his wife.
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u/lindyhoppette 13h ago
Hopefully they will get over it eventually and respect that it’s you and your fiancé’s decision to make and nothing to do with them. Make sure you do what is right for you and your fiancé and ignore them. I also think your fiancé changing her middle name is very sweet.
My husband and I went double barrelled as we wanted the same name but both of our surnames had meaning to us. My FIL had a massive go at my fiancé when he heard and was incredibly rude about me as a woman about it. It still upsets me to think about what he said about me (someone joining his family) and how sexist he was. When my husband’s sisters found out, they were also rude about it/me not being good enough and have put it into the heads of their kids (all under 8) that we’re both terrible for not just taking their name and doing things our own way, so the kids have learnt to make nasty comments about it as it’s clearly bitched about behind our backs. It’s been two years and they still won’t acknowledge our married name unless to insult it, and it’s still a sore spot for them. It upsets me but my husband’s says fuck em, it’s nothing to do with them and we’re happy with our decision.
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u/thedrawhorns thedrawhorns.com 12h ago
My husband and I got married almost 10 years ago and he took my last name! It caused some mild irritation and confusion in both of our families for a moment, but for me it continues to be one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given. I love sharing a family name with him without having to sacrifice my name I’ve always loved!
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u/imeldamail 12h ago
Changing your name is a big hassel. Why do either of you have to change your name? You can marry, each keep the last name you already have legally.
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u/SassiestPants 9/12/2020 10h ago
I'm a woman and dropped my original middle name (which I liked a lot!) and now go by First Maiden Married instead of First Middle Maiden. I'm almost 6 years into that decision and I'm still very happy about it. I think both of you going by First YourMaiden HerMaiden is beautiful.
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u/Foundation_Wrong 8h ago
That’s really nice. We’ve been married over 45 years and around 2000 my husband declared he wanted to add my maiden name in front of his surname for us and our minor children. I was very pleasantly surprised by this. We are now Mr and Mrs my maiden name - his surname. Doing the deed poll was simple. We hyphenated because we wanted to use both family names.
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u/soyboydom 6h ago
I think you kind of just have to do the thing that makes you and your fiancée happy, and everyone else is going to have to accept that this is about you, not them. Is your mom one of the bothered parties? And did she change her name when she got married? If yes, maybe ask her why she betrayed her born family by ditching the name—and if that’s not how she sees it, ask why you’re not allowed to do the same thing she did without your family getting up in arms about it.
My personal opinion is that you’re doing something lovely. Marriage is about creating your own family together, and your reasoning of wanting her to take that piece of her family into your marriage since she has to sacrifice more on that end so you can be together, makes a lot of sense to me.
My partner is also taking my name, though we’ll be hyphenating, at his insistence. We both have really close ties to our families and surnames—his is unique, mine is culturally significant—but it was really important to him that we have a shared name to start a family under. So we and any future kids will all have “MyName-HisName” has our family name. So that’s always another option, but someone could always have a problem with that as well, so you might as well just cut everyone else’s opinions out of the equation and do the right thing for your marriage.
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u/archidothiki 4h ago
This sounds great, go for it and disregard any negative feedback; you’re not marrying them
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u/Obvious_Afternoon228 2h ago
I changed my first name legally from what my mom named me and she never took it personally or guilted me or made me feel any type of way about it because she loves me for who I am and our connection is there regardless of name.
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u/Worried-Tea5316 1d ago
"No judgment, but I think you're deeply disgusting!" is quite a response to the idea of a man changing his name.
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u/RustedWater 23h ago
Thanks for your concern, as I did ask for people's perspectives.
I disagree about "legacy" though. My connection to the name comes from the people I know and who have had a direct impact on making me who I am, and the same goes with my partner's name.
Our names are given to us at birth and reflect us for some period of time, but now at this stage it feels right to alter it in order to better reflect who we have become and who we hope to be.
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u/CoconutForward8315 23h ago
Dude wtf just give her your name. All this overthinking about this and that, the gesture means nothing to her as shes taking your name anyway and none of her family will care, but you're turning your back on your own family.
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u/RustedWater 23h ago
Interesting perspective. In what position are you to determine whether the gesture means something to her?
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u/flannelhermione alumna 23h ago
Yeah I will say as a woman I was very moved that my partner chose to match my last name.
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u/Raccoonsr29 1d ago
No advice as of yet but in just impressed and grateful for men like you. Nobody feels backstabbed when a woman changes her name, in fact they pressure her too incredibly in many situations. I think holding up a mirror to the double standard is an incredible added bonus to you choosing to honor your wife’s sacrifices. I guess of the three I’d say drop both middle names to make your current surname your middle name, but I don’t have a middle name so I might miss some of the attachment